All I Ever Wanted

by Alexa Land

  “Why’d you do that?” Ash asked. “That’s a really prestigious ballet company, one of the best in the world.”

  “I don’t fit in someplace like that, or anywhere really, except maybe the dance troupe River’s brother-in-law is trying to get off the ground. It’s not just because everyone in the troupe is gay either, although that does feel really good. It’s because they’re all a bunch of weirdos and misfits like me. I mean that as a compliment.” He glanced around at us and said, “Sorry, I seem to have hijacked the conversation.”

  “No, you didn’t,” I said. “You don’t talk about yourself much, and I didn’t know any of that stuff about you. I’m glad I do now.” That earned me a shy smile. It was surprising to me how different my usually boisterous roommate seemed, not just after the fight, but ever since he’d arrived in Idaho. It was like someone had installed a dimmer switch on his radiant personality, and I found myself wishing he’d go back to being his usual, outrageous self.

  Just then, the flash of headlights and the sound of tires crunching on gravel caught our attention, and we all turned to look out the front window. Cole’s eyes went wide, and he got to his feet and wrapped his arms around his chest as he muttered, “Shit, that’s my mom. Will you see what she wants, River?” I got up and kissed his forehead, then went to do as he asked.

  Sonya stood at the end of the driveway beside her big, twenty-year-old sedan, fidgeting with the zipper on the jacket of her black tracksuit. When I joined her, she asked, “Are you and Cole alright? Four different people called to tell me you’d been in a fight at O’Tool’s, and that the sheriff had to break it up.”

  “Wow, news travels fast in this town. We’re fine.”

  “What happened?”

  “Some of our friends showed up today, and we took them out for pizza. Afterwards, more than half a dozen good ol’ boys decided to pick a fight in the parking lot. They told us gay people weren’t welcome here, except they used a different word to describe us.”

  Sonya sighed and pushed a strand of hair behind her ear. “What’s wrong with people?”

  “No idea.”

  “Did Cole know them?”

  I nodded. “I think they all went to school together.”

  Hunter and Brian joined us outside, and Hunter gave Sonya a hug as they exchanged greetings. It was obvious he’d spent a lot of time at their house, since she treated him like a member of the family. He said, “I was so sorry to hear about Gram’s passing. Are you okay?”

  “Honestly, I’m numb, and I’m not looking forward to the moment when it all finally catches up to me,” she said. “I’m glad to see you, though. I hope we get some time to visit before you go back to California.”

  Hunter glanced at me. “Oh. Um, I think we’re all heading out first thing in the morning.”

  She turned at me and asked, “So soon?”

  “Yeah. Cole finished sorting through everything, and he’s eager to get going. It’s hard for him to be here.”

  Sonya looked like she was about to cry. “Have you talked to him for me, River?”

  “Not yet. He’s had such a long and emotional day that I thought it was best to wait, but I’m planning to talk to him first thing tomorrow.”

  “But you’re leaving in the morning! Can you ask him to come outside and talk to me? Please?”

  I hesitated and thought of a dozen excuses, but she looked so sad that I finally relented. “I’ll try. No guarantees though, okay? You know how upset he is about you and Glen.”

  “I know. But if anyone can get him to listen to reason, it’s you, River.”

  I had a lot of rebuttals for that one too, including a reminder that we’d actually broken up at one point and spent a year apart, so I obviously had no magical communication skills when it came to her son. But I just stifled a sigh and said, “I’ll try.”

  Hunter and Brian kept her company while I went back into the house. Cole was nowhere to be seen, but Ash and Quinn both pointed to the back door, so I cut through the kitchen and stepped outside again. When I didn’t see him in the yard, I crossed the lawn and peered into the canopy of the big oak as I said, “This tree’s kind of a thing with you, isn’t it?”

  “Yeah. I used to climb it whenever I was upset. Needless to say, I spent a lot of time up here.” I couldn’t see him in the dark, but it sounded like he was higher up than the time before.

  “Please come down from there, Cole.”

  “Can we not have this conversation? I know my mother wants to talk to me, and you’re going to try to convince me to do that, but I just can’t.”

  “But you could listen to what she has to say. Your mom’s really upset. She’s afraid she’s going to lose you, right on the heels of losing her mom.”

  He climbed out of the tree, jumping when he was maybe six feet from the ground, and his voice rose as he said, “Are you seriously taking her side, after she got involved with Bowmer and spent the last three years lying to me about it?”

  Despite myself, my voice rose, too. “Of course not! I’m on your side, always. You have to know that! I want you to work things out with your mom for your sake, because I know how unhappy you’ll be if you don’t.”

  “I can’t forgive her for this.” He started to walk away from me, toward the back of the yard.

  I followed him into the darkness, away from the house, as I said, “Yes you can. You don’t have to forgive Bowmer, although carrying all that anger toward him isn’t doing you any favors. But your mom deserves forgiveness. She didn’t set out to hurt you, Cole.”

  “It doesn’t matter what she set out to do. The end result is the same.”

  “I don’t agree. Intent matters. She didn’t seek out Bowmer and start a relationship with him to spite you. It just happened!” I started jogging to catch up to him, and I exclaimed, “Would you hold on for a minute and talk to me?”

  He turned to face me and said, “You need to stop this. I’m serious. Just back off.”

  “I can’t, because it’s way too important. You need your mom in your life, Cole, and she needs you. You both have to find your way around this!”

  “Damn it, River, I don’t want to fight with you!”

  I lowered my voice and said, “This doesn’t have to be a fight.”

  “Apparently it does, because you’re not listening to me!”

  “Yes, I am.”

  I took a step toward him, and he wrapped his arms around his chest as he shook his head. “You’re not. If you were, then you’d know how I feel, and you wouldn’t be pushing for this right now!”

  I took another step toward him. “I know you’re hurt and angry, and that you feel betrayed.”

  “If you know that, then why are you trying to get me to talk to my mom?”

  “Because I love you more than anything, Cole, and I want what’s best for you. Don’t you see? I want you to patch things up with her for you.”

  “But you know what she did!”

  “Yeah, and I know she didn’t mean to hurt you. All your mom did was fall in love, and nobody ever expects that to happen. When you and I met, I never planned to fall madly in love with you. I never planned to fall in love with anyone, not after watching the total train wreck of my parents’ many failed relationships. But there you were, the most beautiful boy I’d ever seen, and my heart didn’t stand a chance.”

  He muttered, “Damn it, River,” and turned his back to me.

  I came up behind him and said softly, “I’m so fucking scared right now, Cole. I’m afraid I’m screwing this up, when the last thing I want is to jeopardize our relationship. But this is too important to just sit back and say nothing.”

  He turned to me and said, “I can’t talk to her, River. Not yet. If I do, I know I’m going to say something I can’t take back. This conversation has to wait until I’m less upset.”

  “But we’re leaving tomorrow.”

  “I know. I also know you think it’s now or never, that if I leave Idaho before she and I talk this out face-
to-face, we’ll never get past it. But that’s not true. I think my mom and I stand a much better chance of salvaging our relationship if I calm the hell down and we both get our emotions under control before we try to hash this out.”

  I thought about that, and then I said, “Okay, I see your point.”

  “You do?” I nodded, and he told me, “I really didn’t think you were going to back down.”

  “I was wrong. I want you to talk to her, but that doesn’t have to be on my timetable, or hers. It should happen whenever you’re ready.”

  He leaned against me, and I wrapped my arms around him. After a few moments, he said, “Why was I always so afraid of having an argument with you? You’re actually a pretty reasonable guy.”

  “I wasn’t always, but I’m learning.”

  “I guess I am, too. All my experience told me every disagreement had to turn ugly. It always did with my parents, and with Hunter and me. But you just proved me wrong.” I grinned and kissed his forehead. After a minute, he took my hand and said, “Come on. Let’s go tell my mom I’ll talk to her later.”

  “You’re coming with me to do that?”

  “Yeah. My first impulse was to ask you to tell her for me, but it’s not fair to keep putting you in the middle of this.”

  We circled around to the front of the house and found Sonya sitting on the porch steps, talking to Hunter and Brian. They all fell silent when we came to a stop a few feet from them, and Cole told his mom, “I can’t talk to you about Bowmer. Not yet. If we do this now, it’s going to turn into a big fight, and I’m going to say things I’ll regret. So, I’ll call you. It won’t be tomorrow. It won’t be next week either, because I need some time. But I will call.”

  She got to her feet and stammered, “Oh. Okay.”

  “I want you to know that even though I’m pissed off at you, I still love you, Mom. Nothing will ever change that.”

  Sonya grabbed him in a hug. “I love you too, Cole, and I look forward to talking to you whenever you’re ready.” His mom let go of him and took a step back as she said, “Safe travels tomorrow. I’ll be thinking about you.”

  She returned to her car, and as we watched her drive away, Cole said, “I can’t believe she agreed to that. She used to be such a drama queen, and I was sure she’d make a scene.”

  “Well, maybe she’s growing up, just like we are. It’s never too late,” I said.

  The four of us went back inside and rejoined Ash and Quinn in the living room. I sat on the couch, and Cole climbed onto my lap and put his arms around me as he murmured, “I’m going to be so damn glad to leave Gomsburg tomorrow.”

  Hunter said, “Same here. But in an odd sort of way, I’m glad I came back, if for no other reason than to remind myself how far I’ve come.”

  Quinn had curled up in a dark green chair near the fireplace, and he noticed something off to his right and exclaimed, “Aw, how cute! I bet Cole made this as a Valentine for Hunter when they were high school sweethearts.” He picked up the light blue sheet of construction paper and turned the Hanson collage so we all could see it. Then he said, “Look at all these cute photos of your hubby when he was a teen, Brian! I just don’t know why Hunter changed his name from Taylor.” Brian and Hunter looked confused for a moment, and then they both burst out laughing.

  Cole turned red and muttered, “Oh hell.” But in the next moment, he started laughing, too. I grinned and held him tight.

  Chapter Sixteen

  “What am I looking at?” Brian put his hands on his hips and surveyed the thing we were towing.

  “It’s a tiny house,” I told him, as I climbed out of the van and stretched a bit.

  Our friends had gone on ahead to the Oregon coast while Cole and I stopped off in Portland to see my dad, and we’d just joined them at the little bungalow by the sea. It was a cute place, off by itself amid some low dunes, with whitewashed rough wood siding and a collection of colorful buoys, crab pots, and other nautical items dotting the small front yard. Beyond it, the Pacific sparkled as the sun began to set. I filled my lungs with sea air and exhaled slowly. It felt wonderful to be back at the beach.

  “Yeah, I figured out that part,” Brian said. “Where’d it come from?”

  I turned to look at the pretty little dark blue house with honey-colored wood trim and said, “My dad gave it to me, in lieu of all the money he owed me. This is his new business venture. Tiny houses are all the rage in Portland right now.”

  “He just had an extra one lying around?”

  Cole chimed in, “It was his original floor model, but he’d recently replaced it with a fancier one and had been trying to sell it. River finally confronted his dad about all the money he’d lent him over the years, and Kenny told him he didn’t have enough cash to repay him. But then, he offered him the house as payment in full.”

  Brian looked skeptical. “You know you live in San Francisco, right? Where are you going to put this?”

  “Actually, I was going to sell it,” I told him, “but you know what? I don’t think I want to do that. It’s so cute! Wait until you see the inside. It’s got a perfect, compact kitchen with everything I need, and a loft bedroom, and a cozy seating area, and a bathroom with a shower and a composting toilet!”

  “The composting toilet creeps me out,” Cole said, “but of course commune boy sees it as a plus.” I chuckled at that.

  Brian’s blue eyes crinkled at the corners as he smiled and said, “Well, I guess you could dock it in the Safeway parking lot and hope they don’t notice. That, or circle the city forever like a shark, constantly in motion.”

  The door to the beach bungalow slammed open just then, and Quinn shot out of it, followed by Ash and Hunter. For reasons I couldn’t explain, all three of them were dressed in pastel rompers and matching sunglasses. Ash’s matched his lavender hair, while Hunter was in pale yellow and Quinn wore baby blue, so they all looked like Easter eggs. My roommate yelled, “Oh my God, it’s a people-sized dollhouse! I want to play in it!” He climbed up on the trailer and tried the door, then said, “Awwwww,” when it wouldn’t open. I tossed him the key, and he whooped with delight and unlocked the door before climbing inside. I was glad to see Quinn was back to his old self.

  Ash and Hunter climbed in after my roommate, and I turned to Brian and asked, “Why are they dressed like preschoolers?”

  “When Quinn told us he’d felt too self-conscious to wear any of his new rompers in Idaho, it somehow evolved into a freedom of expression party. They’re celebrating being back in a judgement-free zone.”

  “I don’t think anyplace is judgement-free when it comes to that particular fashion choice,” Cole muttered.

  “Probably not,” Brian said, “but at least here, the nearest neighbor is clear down the beach, so they can just enjoy themselves without worrying about what anyone thinks.”

  “So, where’s your romper?” I asked Brian with a little grin.

  He shot me a look and said, “Yeah, I wasn’t going there, and fortunately, Quinn couldn’t force one on me, because he knew I’d never fit. But he does have a couple more, so maybe you two can squeeze in. Then again, you might be a bit too tall, which would mean running the risk of male camel toe, and wow would I not like to see that.”

  “Quinn owns five rompers, and he brought them all on this road trip?”

  Cole asked me, “Why are you surprised?”

  “Good point.” As the three of us followed our friends into the little house, I said, “I assume you guys had dinner already, right?”

  Brian nodded. “We drove into Astoria and bought a bunch of groceries. Actually, we probably got too much for just three nights, but we decided to treat ourselves because we’re on vacation. There’s leftover pasta in the fridge if you two are hungry.”

  “Thanks, I might have some later. We took my dad to dinner while we were in Portland, but it was sushi, so we’ll be starving in an hour.”

  I climbed into the house and Cole followed me, and I turned to Brian and wondere
d if I should offer him a hand, in case climbing with two prostheses was challenging for him. But he tossed his cane through the open doorway, then scaled the trailer and the high stoop like it was nothing. Note to self: never underestimate Brian Nolan. He looked around at the tidy, modern interior and said, “Wow, it’s nice in here.”

  “It really is,” Hunter agreed. “It’s surprisingly posh, actually. I can’t believe your dad made this, River.”

  “He just did the construction,” I said, as I looked around at the polished wood, granite counters and stainless steel appliances in the perfect little kitchen. “He works with a designer and a finish carpenter, and they do the interiors. They actually seem to have a successful business going, though I have to wonder how long the tiny house trend will last.”

  “I thought it’d be totally cramped in here,” Brian said, looking up at the twelve-foot ceiling with its skylight, “but somehow, it’s not. It actually doesn’t feel much smaller than our house.”

  “It’s like a TARDIS,” Quinn said, hanging his head off the bed in the loft and looking at us upside down. “Bigger on the inside.” His pale blue sunglasses tumbled off his face, and Hunter swung his leg out and kicked the glasses into the air before catching them. Quinn beamed at him and exclaimed, “Wow! You’re practically a Jedi. Will you teach me the ways of the force, Obi Wan?”

  “Wow, two nerd references back-to-back,” I said as I dropped onto the dark blue, bracket-shaped couch that filled one end of the house. “Your inner geek is showing, Quinn.”

  “I know. I usually keep him under wraps, but you guys are my friends, so I figured I could let it rip. That reminds me, we spotted a shop that rents surfboards and wetsuits, River. It’s only about fifteen minutes north of here, on the outskirts of Astoria.”

  “Great, I’ll check it out in the morning. I’m curious though, what just reminded you of that?”

  “Let it rip? Rip cord?”