Little Spirit

by DaNeo Duran

  Once seated Katherine said, ‘Before we order there’s something I need to get off my chest.’

  ‘Oh?’ John rested his menu down. Katherine looked at Calvin who nodded his support.

  ‘On the phone last night I told you that we couldn’t afford it to eat expensively.’

  ‘I remember. But you’re my guests and it’s my pleasure.’

  ‘And we’re grateful but, didn’t that strike you as odd?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ John said raising an eyebrow. ‘I suppose maybe. I mean I don’t know Calvin’s financial situation of course.’

  ‘Well, this is awkward but …’ Katherine stuttered. ‘Okay, I’m not rich like you. Think about it have you ever seen me spend money?’

  ‘Never given it a thought,’ he said before surprising Katherine saying, ‘You don’t often see me spend money though do you?’

  ‘I … no, not often. Perhaps that’s the point. I’ve, accidentally, created the illusion of wealth.’ Guilt’s harsh caress cracked her voice. ‘Thing is, I landed in the French Riviera with some savings. Initially that was no secret but later, in Saint Tropez meeting you and every other generous soul I became one of you; at some level at least. Then my pennilessness became a secret; one I can’t live with anymore.’

  ‘So your family’s not wealthy?’

  ‘No they’re lowly West Cumbrians.’

  John requested the waiter come back in a minute.

  Katherine told her story not knowing whether she or Calvin would be getting lunch. She held her breath throughout John’s black hole silence. Under the table Calvin squeezed her knee.

  Eventually John said, ‘I don’t know why, but this doesn’t come as any major surprise. You’re something of an enigma lady. But, the truth is you’re a tremendous person and I’m ever proud to call you my friend.’

  ‘Really?’ Katherine fought tears as she laughed her relief.

  ‘Really,’ he said touching her hand across the table. ‘Let’s order lunch.’

  Over dishes with sliver served vegetables Katherine’s story continued. She explained her upbringing, the people and her dad’s unemployment.

  ‘So what jobs are in Cumbria?’ John asked.

  ‘Mining, fishing and farming mostly. But most mines have shut or are laying off workers. The fish stocks are dwindling and bigger tractors do the job of ten farmhands.’

  ‘Isn’t Sellafield up there?’

  ‘It’s nearby, but might as well be on the moon for the locals. The best paid jobs are outsourced. There’s a chemical works but other than that the locals have a bleak future.’

  ‘I understand but something doesn’t add up.’

  ‘Oh?’

  ‘You’re like a princess. I mean no disrespect to the hardworking Cumbrian grafters but I can’t believe you come from that stock; not just your looks but your elegant speech, your posture, everything.’

  ‘I’ve worked hard at it.’

  ‘Hmm,’ John seemed unconvinced. ‘What about your grandparents?’

  ‘No wealth there believe me. That said, I’ve never met my mum’s parents.’

  John asked Calvin, ‘Are you supporting her?’

  ‘No, she’s working in a bar.’

  ‘You,’ John said to Katherine, ‘work in a bar?’

  ‘Nothing wrong with bar work,’ Katherine said.

  Without apology John agreed. ‘Dead right; did it myself too, but take Calvin here. Calvin may or may not have money but what Little Spirit did last night blew me away. Calvin was doing what he is. That’s probably why he’s so good at it.’

  Katherine understood his point. She considered the remarkable change that came over Calvin the moment he donned his low-slung bass.

  John continued. ‘I make money; that’s me. I feel like I’m doing what I am. And, when all I want is a cold beer, bar staff are the world’s most important people.’

  ‘I don’t know my truth,’ Katherine said. ‘But I don’t want to lie about what I’m not anymore.’

  ‘With or without money nobody doubted you were a princess,’ John said with a smile. ‘But I suppose you ought to come clean. Elaine and the rest deserve it.’

  Katherine looked at Calvin and considered him, her truth irrespective of bar work or anyone else.

  ‘You know,’ John addressed Calvin, ‘I’ve seen a lot of bands in a lot of bars. And a lot of big names too; Springsteen, The Police, Floyd, Queen, and all their support acts. But let me say, you guys impressed me as much as any of them.’

  ‘That’s quite some compliment,’ Calvin said looking from John to Katherine who’d found her smile.

  ‘A deserved compliment,’ John said. ‘Great songs, sound, image. You’re in impressive shape too. Almost the full package.’

  ‘Almost?’ Calvin asked.

  Ignoring him John powered into questions. How many songs, finance, other commitments? Did any band member have drug, alcohol, health or personality issues? What stood between them and success?

  Ready with the answers Calvin said, ‘My dad’s breathing down my neck. We need to earn proper money by next June. That means releasing an album and touring. We’re aiming for Top of the Pops. We can only get that if we’ve got a product, from there national tours will hopefully follow.’

  ‘Your dad doesn’t think music is a worthy pursuit?’ John asked.

  ‘Hell no.’

  ‘Thatcher may be one horrendous prime minister,’ John said nodding to Katherine, ‘shutting down coal mines and manufacturing. But, she’s creating opportunities for musicians. She knows music is a stupendous export. The Americans created MTV but it’s our bands making videos and selling records because of it. Thatcher tells us to do things for ourselves and has grants to help. There are recording studios popping up all the time. From what you’ve said Little Spirit is an exciting project.’

  ‘Very,’ Calvin said.

  ‘So, I’d like to be a helpful part of it,’ John said leaning back.

  Calvin smiled and a thrilled Katherine almost forgot her earlier anguish.

  Calvin said. ‘What helpful part were you thinking of?’

  ‘Don’t worry, nothing controlling. I have a proposition for you to run by the band.’

  ‘Okay.’

  ‘I knew I wanted to help Little Spirit and I knew just how …’ John eyed them both carefully, ‘… the moment I played your demo.’

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘Yup, a chain is only as strong as its weakest link.’

  ‘We know the demo isn’t great but—’

  ‘I’ll buy you studio sessions.’

  Seeing Calvin lost for words Katherine spoke up. ‘That’s unspeakably kind.’

  ‘What’s in it for you?’ Calvin asked eventually.

  ‘Mature and shrewd. I like that,’ John said. ‘This is neither a gift nor a loan. It’s an investment on my part. I only request two things. One, record your best songs as well as possible. Two, produce the best inlay card and clearly state my name as financier in the credits.’

  ‘Sounds reasonable,’ Calvin said. ‘So how’s that an investment?’

  ‘In my line of business I meet lots of people. Image is paramount. If people know that I’ve financed a credible band then I might look cool or generous either of which could lead to better deals.’

  ‘So everyone’s happy?’ Katherine said.

  ‘The only way to do business.’ John motioned to the plates. ‘And that’s why this is a business expense.’

  Calvin asked, ‘What’s next?’

  ‘Little Spirit willing my PA will get three studio quotes tomorrow. You guys do the same and we’ll choose the best. Where possible get quotes for cassette duplication too.’

  * * *

  Upon leaving, John assured Katherine he’d keep her secret safe and that he’d fly her to France soon.

  Katherine, full of optimism from John’s easy acceptance of her status, returned to the flat with Calvin and John’s proposal. With four songs chosen Amy said she’d get the quotes before
poly and drop them into The Dog and Parrot for Katherine to relay to John’s PA.

  ‘Things are looking good,’ Raphael said.

  ‘Can you imagine if we’d still got Brian Collins on drums?’ Danny asked.

  Calvin snorted, ‘We’d still be rehearsing.’

  ‘He never rang back then?’ Raphael said.

  ‘Never.’

  ‘At least he had a car,’ Amy said.

  ‘Raphael’s got one,’ Danny said. ‘And that’s where any comparison stops. Raphael looks better, his drumming’s infinitely better; as is his sound and he got me a deal on my guitar pedals.’

  ‘And,’ Calvin said, ‘if he hadn’t the four-track to record the first demo John might not have taken us seriously enough to invest in us.’

  ‘Jeez, you guys,’ Raphael said blushing.

  ‘I remember you saying Brian was no relation to Phil Collins,’ Katherine said to Calvin.

  ‘Unless there was a mix up in hospital.’

  ‘I wonder what happens when babies go home with the wrong parents. How do the kids turn out?’

  When nobody else spoke Raphael piped up. ‘I heard it said that if you want to know ze truth then look at ze seed. An apple seed, will only ever grow into an apple tree.’

  ‘But the size and shape of a tree is affected by the gardener or in this case, parents.’ Calvin said.

  ‘True, but it’ll never grow cherries, only apples.’

  ‘D’you think that’s true of humans?’ Katherine asked.

  ‘To some extent. Why d’you ask?’

  ‘John thinks you guys do what you are; like you were born to be rock stars.’

  ‘Maybe,’ Raphael said exchanging a querying look with Calvin.

  ‘But Calvin’s dad hates Rock ‘n’ Roll.’

  Raphael said, ‘Calvin isn’t his dad, or his mother for that matter. He’s a complex genetic blend of both parents which might be apt for someone choosing a career as a musician. His dad’s reluctance to accept music as a career might affect Calvin’s growth though. Remember Calvin you don’t live in Coventry anymore. You’re the gardener now.’

  Katherine shook her head to herself none the wiser as to how that helped her own truth.

  Monday 26th September 1983

  Amy called into Katherine’s pub on her way to poly with the results of her and Danny’s phone calls. Danny had contacted studios and left Amy a list of questions so she could continue after he left for work.

  After poly Amy called back in to see Katherine. On the walk back to the flat Amy said, ‘You’re a terrific bar bird.’

  ‘Thanks Amy.’ After a few more steps Katherine asked, ‘Despite John’s opinion you reckon bar work’s me?’

  ‘You’d look wonderful in front or behind any bar.’

  Katherine said, ‘So is Danny you?’

  ‘I doubt it.’

  ‘You know I doubt you’d sustain such feelings for him without some glimmer of hope.’

  ‘Oh come off it.’

  ‘You’re certainly worthy of someone like him.’

  ‘Don’t be getting my hopes Katherine.’

  ‘Okay, but if you’ll let me, I’ll help you see the real you – the beautiful one.’

  Later, as Danny and Calvin jammed tunes in the living room the girls collected Amy’s magazines. In Calvin’s room they leafed through the pages but to Amy, personal beauty seemed too distant a goal as one gorgeous image flicked to another.

  Katherine however showed her the mirror and identified the similarities Amy shared with the magazine goddesses. Katherine demonstrated that certain characteristics defining one model as beautiful contradicted other beautiful models. An innate resistance fought Amy’s own ideas of self-image and what beauty meant.

  ‘I don’t like my freckles,’ she whinged for the umpteenth time.

  ‘Freckles,’ Katherine pointed to yet another image. ‘And she’s gorgeous.’

  ‘Yeah but—’

  ‘You can carry on all you want Amy. Whatever you’ve got I’ll show you a beautiful woman with it.’

  Eventually Amy’s mind gave up. ‘I don’t know what’s beautiful and what’s not.’

  ‘Good start. Now you can accept not only that there’s nothing wrong with you but that everything might be right.’

  Katherine set Amy homework which involved her spending sessions, naked before her mirror repeating the phrase, I am beautiful.

  ’Clothes and makeup are important,’ Amy said by way of excuse.

  ‘Not to those who won’t accept their natural state. But you’ll learn something that will make a difference.’

  ‘Really, what?’

  ‘You can tell me a week from now – once you’ve done your homework.’

  At bedtime Amy reluctantly approached her wardrobe door’s mirror. Off came her T-shirt followed by the belly-cutting jeans. After socks she dared a look at her shy slouching reflection in its non-matching underwear. Here goes. She unhooked her bra.

  Glancing at the clock Amy’s silent voice began, I am beautiful. Another internal voice said, Liar. Feeling ridiculous she pressed on, I am beautiful.

  A chill came but passed. Boredom set in but the mantra persisted. Though minutes dragged she noted her expression brightening from glum to curious. She smiled noticing her shoulders straighten and tummy flatten as her posture improved. I am beautiful. My boobs look amazing. I am beautiful. And with a bit of exercise I might believe you.

  Tuesday 27th September 1983

  After another shift on achy feet Katherine arrived at the flat to find Amy and Danny in hysterics with legs locked together doing sit-ups in the living room.

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me exercise was such fun?’ Amy hooted.

  To Amy, Danny said, ‘I’m going for a shower, wanna join me?’

  ‘Get outta here,’ she laughed as Calvin appeared at Katherine’s side.

  ‘I’ve spoken to John,’ Katherine said. ‘He says we should arrange appointments with studio managers.’

  ‘That’s fantastic,’ Calvin said.

  ‘It’s really happening,’ Danny agreed.

  ‘There’s another thing though. John’s got a flight to France and I’ve said I’ll be on it.’

  ‘You are coming back aren’t you?’ Amy asked before Calvin.

  ‘I’ll be back after a week, if you’ll still have me.’

  Calvin’s smile bounced back. ‘No worries there,’ he said kissing her. ‘How d’you feel?’

  ‘Scared.’ She took his hand. ‘I won’t be able to get back to you soon enough.’

  When Calvin left the room Amy and Katherine washed up. Amy told her she’d done her second session in front of the mirror.

  ‘I’m feeling different already,’ she said. ‘I know I’m not like you Katherine but I’m starting to like me.’

  ‘Just the way you are.’

  ‘Exactly.’

  ‘Danny asked you to shower with him.’

  ‘He was only kidding,’ Amy said dismissively. ‘Although, he doesn’t normally joke like that.’

  After drying some plates Amy asked, ‘Have you spoken to your mum since being back?’

  ‘No, not yet.’

  ‘What’s going on?’

  ‘I don’t know. I should ring her. I’m so happy to have Calvin and you guys. I miss my mum but …’

  ‘Go on.’

  ‘I feel cross with her.’

  ‘But you’ve not spoken in months. You might be dead for all she knows.’

  ‘I’m almost as worried about phoning her as I am facing the Saint Tropez crowd.’

  ‘Ring her,’ Amy said, ‘right now.’

  Katherine stopped drying the plate in her hand. She glared but Amy saw her soften at once. She put the tea towel down. ‘Fine, I just hope my dad doesn’t answer.’

  Amy waited in Calvin’s room.

  ‘How d’it go?’ she asked when Katherine came back.

  ‘Well, mum answered but cried so much that before I knew it I said I’d go and see her this
Friday.’

  ‘Oh God. Katherine, you’re an angel but you need help too. Would it help if I came with you?’

  Katherine told her it wouldn’t be fun. Amy wondered again what her dad’s problem could be but felt determined to help and soon Katherine phoned her mum back.

  Not wanting to discuss herself further the subject turned to Amy and self-image. When she couldn’t guess how many people she’d slept with, Katherine blamed poor self-image saying, ‘I’m sure you’ve turned a corner. Given time you’ll be dating the best and forgetting the rest.’

  ‘I don’t know. I could be off men anyway.’

  ‘How come?’ Katherine asked puzzled.

  ‘I can’t believe I’m gonna tell you this.’

  ‘Tell me what?’

  ‘I’ve not told anyone but before you arrived I was starving myself of sex – like Danny would stupidly think I was a virgin.’ Amy shook her head.

  ‘Okay.’

  ‘But that just made me crazy for it.’

  ‘I know what you mean.’ Katherine remembered how pent up she’d become isolating herself in Saint Tropez.

  ‘Danny’s mum came to a gig. I stayed sober hoping she’d like me, which she kind of did, I suppose. I hated that Alison had designs on Danny. Later at the club I hit the vodkas and stayed after Raphael left with Joanne.’

  ‘Sounds lonely.’

  ‘Not for long. Dancing alone the sharks soon arrived. I snogged some lad and let him drag me further onto the dance floor. It was packed that night. I’m so short even in heels I couldn’t see passed the backs of shoulders.’

  ‘Fun?’

  ‘Maybe. In that state I didn’t care. But I figured I’d let whatever happen, you know – not wanting to bring anyone back or stay over anywhere else.’

  ‘For Danny’s benefit.’

  ‘Stupid I know.’

  ‘Wait a minute,’ Katherine said, ‘you didn’t do him right there did you?’

  ‘Not exactly.’

  ‘Oh my god,’ Katherine said before recomposing. ‘I mean, go on.’

  ‘There was some bumping of pelvises and my skirt ended up, up.’

  ‘Up?’

  ‘Over my hips.’

  ‘Blimey.’

  ‘And I … how to put it? I was close to my edge but I took him over his edge. What a stupid thing to do.’

  ‘I’m sure people do worse.’

  ‘Maybe.’

  ‘What then?’

  ‘He fastened up and vanished. I went to wash my hands but still felt ungratified.’