Monster

by Holly C. Webb

  “Why does it have to be?” She asked, but I knew she already knew the answer. I could see it in her face.

  “Because you’re married,” I said, giving her the only answer I could give her. “And I need to stop thinking there can be more and focus on my job.”

  “Why?” She asked, surprising me once more. This girl was nothing if not direct.

  “Because I let my guard down,” I sighed, knowing this wasn’t the answer she wanted. “I let it down, and that guy got close. Too close. Anything could have happened to you, and it would have been my fault. I took my eye off the ball because I was confused about my feelings. I can’t let that happen again.”

  “Your feelings?” She asked, giving me a questioning look, but for the briefest moment, I saw a look of hope in her eye.

  “Like I said,” I replied, sighing once more. “It’s complicated. Maybe… maybe I’m not the right man for this job.”

  “Do you really believe that?” She asked, her eyes holding mine as her teeth began to chatter from the cold.

  “For pity’s sake,” I sighed as I quickly slipped off my jacket and wrapped it around her, pulled it closed so she wouldn’t feel the cold. “You’ll end up sick, and that’s the last thing you need.”

  “You didn’t answer my question,” she asked, as she continued to look up at me. I was so close to her now; I could smell her perfume as a longing filled my heart.

  I stared at her for a moment, wishing that things could have been so different

  “I’m not crazy,” she continued, looking down into my eyes. “There is something here, right?”

  “You’re not crazy,” I whispered, giving her a sad smile. “But the truth is, Ally, I have nothing to offer you.”

  “You don’t know what I want,” she replied almost defensively.

  “But I know what I have,” I sighed, knowing that as complicated as her life was now, with me, it would be so much worse. “I could never give you the life you have here.”

  “Materialistic things don't impress me, Jax,” she sighed as she leaned into me. “Your soul does; who you are; how you make me feel. Those are the only things that matter to me.”

  I looked down into her eyes as I longed to claim her as mine. I pressed my forehead to hers, closed my eyes, and breathed in. Once more, I could smell her perfume, but this time, there was more. This time I could smell Jacob’s aftershave too, and reality hit me like a freight train, right between the eyes.

  “It doesn’t change the fact that your married,” I whispered, wishing I could give her the answer she wanted.

  “And what if I wasn’t?” She breathed out, her lips so close to mine, I could feel her breath on my skin, and instantly my cock sprung to life. I hated that I wanted her so much, but I just couldn’t have her.

  “But you are,” I sighed, knowing that I needed to be the bigger man here. I stepped back, putting a safer distance between us. “Besides, you don’t know just how fucked up I am. I know that you’re not happy, Ally, but believe me, life with me wouldn’t be any easier. I’m so many kinds of messed up; I could never make you happy.”

  I stepped forward as softly touched her face, letting my thumb glide over her cheek, where the bruise from Jacob striking her was almost faded.

  “Ally, you deserve the very best,” I whispered, giving her a smile. “That’s not him, but it’s not me either.”

  She stared at me for a moment, the look in her eyes almost broke my heart. Then she took a step back, still holding my gaze.

  “Then you should have just left me in the bathtub the night you found me,” she said, her voice colder than I had ever heard it before.

  Pulling my jacket from her shoulders, she almost threw it back at me before she turned and hurried back towards the front door.

  “Ally!” I called after her, but she didn’t stop. Instead, she stormed through the door, slamming the door shut behind her. “FUCK!”

  I pushed my hands through my hair, releasing a long, frustrated groan

  “FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!” I cried out, knowing I’d just made everything a million times worse. I hurried towards the door, deciding I needed to go after her, but when I reached the door, I stopped realising there was nothing that I could say that she wanted to hear. I had fucked everything up even more now.

  I needed to get out of there and clear my head, so I reached into my pocket and pulled out my phone. I pulled up Travis’s number and hit dial.

  “What did you do now?” Travis asked the moment he answered the phone.

  “What makes you think I’ve done anything?” I asked, hating that once more, Travis knew me better than I knew myself.

  “Because I know you,” Travis sighed, but I could hear the sadness in his voice. “I’ve been waiting for this call since you left the hospital. So, how bad is it?”

  “I fucked up,” I sighed, knowing there was no point in lying now.

  “What do you need?” He asked me without missing a beat, making me smile.

  “Can you meet me for a drink?” I asked him, hopefully.

  “Sure,” he replied, much to my relief. “Just tell me where and when.”

  “I need an hour,” I said, knowing I couldn’t just walk out of the house without letting someone know. “I’ll meet you at Hooper’s.”

  “I’ll be there,” Travis assured me before we said our goodbyes.

  Taking a deep breath, I hurried through the front door, heading for Jacob’s office. I would just tell him I needed to head off for the evening, but as Ally had called it a night, I knew it wouldn’t be an issue.

  Once that was done, I needed to get as far away from this house and this fucked up situation, even just for a few hours.

  When I reached the bar, I found Travis already there, sitting at the bar, laughing and joking with the waitress I knew he liked.

  The moment he spotted me, he smiled, but his face flushed with embarrassment, confirming once more that he really liked this girl.

  “You wanna grab a booth?” He asked as he stood up to greet me, before he nodded to the girl, telling her he needed another beer.

  “Sure,” I replied, relieved that he didn’t want to sit at the bar. If I was going to pour my heart out to my brother, I didn’t need an audience at the bar while I did it. I didn’t need someone overhearing something they shouldn’t.

  The girl behind the bar set down a bottle of beer in front of me and gave me a smile before looking at Travis once more, and her smile widened.

  I picked up my beer before we both turned and headed to one of the empty booths at the back.

  “Are you ever going to ask that girl out?” I asked Travis as we both slid into our booth. “You do know that she likes you as much as you like her.”

  “Maybe,” Travis replied, giving me a sad smile. “But right now, I want to know what’s going on with you. What’s happened?”

  “Where do I even start?” I sighed as I picked up my beer and took a long sip before I continued. “I’ve made a fucking mess of everything.”

  I took a deep breath, then told my brother everything. From the night we left my apartment, to the argument we had before I’d left the house earlier that evening.

  “Shit!” Travis said, sitting back in his seat, blowing out a long breath. “What a fucking mess is right, and what a fucking scumbag. But you don’t really think she’d going to try ending it again, do you?”

  “Honestly,” I said, feeling so completely helpless. “I don’t know, and the worst part is, I don’t know what to do to help her.”

  “Maybe you need to talk to her friend,” Travis suggested, picking up his bottle again, taking another sip. “Teddy, is that what you said her name was?”

  “Yeah,” I sighed, knowing he was probably right. “I know I really should. But I had promised her I would never tell anyone what happened that night. If I betrayed her now, after everything else, she would never forgive me.”

  “And if she kills herself,” Travis reasoned. “You’ll never forgive yourself.
”

  “I just don’t know anymore,” I shrugged, taking another long sip of my beer before adding. “Maybe it’s just time for me to move on. I could give them the name of some guys, good guys that would take care of her…”

  “Is that what you really want?” Travis asked, giving me a knowing look.

  “I don’t know, Trav,” I sighed, knowing what I really wanted, I could never have. “But right now, I don’t care. I’m going to get wasted, and maybe who knows…”

  I stopped and looked across the bar at a group of girls gathered around one of the high tables.

  “Maybe to get over her,” I said, waving at the waitress, then holding up two fingers for two more beers. “I need to get under someone else.”

  The waitress arrived with two more beers, and once more, she greeted Travis with a big smile.

  “Abby,” I said, giving her a broad smile, and Travis gave me a worried look. “Could you please give those ladies at the end of the bar another round of drinks on me? Then, could you please give my dumbass brother your phone number, because he is too chicken to ask you for it himself.”

  “Jesus!” Travis groaned, dropping his head down to the table, but Abby just smiled, even though she blushed too.

  “I would love to,” she replied, and Travis instantly sat up. “But first, let me sort out those drinks for you.”

  She smiled at Travis before she disappeared back across the bar.

  “What the fuck did you just do?” Travis asked as he reached for his beer.

  “I gave you back your balls, Trav,” I said, reaching for my second beer too and taking a long sip before I stood up. “At least one of us should be happy. Now, I’m going to go for a piss. Then I’m coming back, and I’m going to go to introduce myself to the blonde at the end of the bar. Who knows, I might even get to have some sex tonight.”

  Without waiting for a response, I headed to the men’s room.

  As I stood at the urinal, having a piss, I closed my eyes, and instantly Ally’s face crashed into my head. Why the fuck did I have to want her so badly, and how the hell was I ever going to convince her to let me help her again.

  When I was finished, I walked to the sink and washed my hands. As I did, I looked at my reflection and sighed.

  “You’re a fucking mess, Jax,” I growled to myself, before I turned and headed back out into the bar, determined I was going to get wasted, then take some random chick home and pretend for a short while that my life wasn’t the train wreck it appeared to be.

  Chapter 18

  Jaxson

  I lay my head back on the back of the sofa and closed my eyes. I knew I had drunk too much as the room was starting to spin, and I felt a little bit queasy. But I didn’t care. I had wanted to feel nothing, and that’s exactly what I got.

  “Do you want a beer or bourbon?” The girl, whose name I couldn’t really recall, called from the kitchen.

  “A beer is good,” I replied with a sigh, without opening my eyes.

  A few moments later, I could hear her coming back into the room, setting a bottle down on the coffee table before she climbed over me, pressing her mouth to mine.

  I could taste the sour taste of Bourbon on her lips, one drink that I detested. Also, her perfume was too strong and invaded my nostrils. The mixture of the smell and the taste made my stomach heave a little.

  I opened my eyes, expecting to see the pretty blonde staring back down at me, but instead, I found Ally smiling at me, her lips barely inches from mine.

  I knew it was just my mind playing a cruel trick. I was just very drunk and very tired, but it felt good. I smiled as I leaned up and claimed her lips with mine, kissing her with everything that I had inside me.

  “I love you,” I breathed against her lips as I reached up and tenderly ran my fingers through her beautiful, soft hair before I gripped her silky locks in my hand, pulling her closer to me, kissing her harder.

  She made short work of the buttons on my shirt before her hands moved to the buckle on my belt.

  “I need you inside me,” she gasped against my lips as her fingers slipped beneath the material of my trousers, before quickly taking my cock in her hand.

  I groaned in pleasure as she stroked me, and I knew if she didn’t stop soon, I wouldn’t last very long. After a few moments, I took hold of her by the hips, lifting her from my lap before throwing her down on the sofa, then climbing above her.

  “Do you know how beautiful you are?” I growl against her neck as I pulled her skirt up her legs. Reaching for the rim of her panties, I pulled them down, discarding them on the floor. Then I opened my pants quickly, freeing my aching cock, knowing that once I was inside her, this thing would be over before she knew what the fuck had happened.

  Climbing over her once more, all I could see was Ally smile up at me before I leaned down and softly kissed her lips.

  “Jax,” she breathed against my mouth, and the sound of her saying my name sounded off, strange almost. I pushed that thought from my head. I needed this. I needed her.

  I settled between her legs before I pushed into her with one hard thrust.

  “OH, FUCK!” She cried as she wrapped her legs around my waist, pulling me deeper.

  “Ally!” I cried, pushing into her once more, as I felt an ache in my balls, telling me I was close. “ALLY, I LOVE YOU!”

  “My name is Victoria,” she exclaimed angrily, pushing me back from her. “Who the fuck is Ally?”

  “I…I’m sorry,” I said, as I climbed up from her completely, realising this was a mistake. I should have never let it get this far. “I…, this was a mistake. I’m so sorry.”

  “You’re sorry!” She exclaimed, giving me a shocked look.

  I fastened my pants before I walked to the armchair and picked up my jacket.

  “Vanessa,” I said, sure that was the name she’d told me a few moments earlier, but if I was honest, I wasn’t really listening to her. The only thought I had was I wanted to get out of there as fast as I could. “I’m really sorry…”

  “IT’S VICTORIA!” She screamed angrily, picking up the beer bottle she’d left on the table for me and hurdled it towards my head, missing me by mere centimetres before it smashed against a wall.

  I didn’t wait for her to throw something else. Instead, I hurried out the door as fast as I could, not stopping until I reached the safety of the elevator.

  “You fucking idiot!” I scolded myself as I blew out a long, tired breath. I slumped back against the wall of the elevator and closed my eyes, and once more, Ally crashed into my mind’s eye.

  Why did I have to want her so badly? Why did I love her with everything there was inside me?

  I realised that I had only one option left if I was to do the right thing. I needed to walk away.

  When I reached the house, it was almost three in the morning. I got the cab I came back in to leave me at the front gate, then I quickly made my way up to the house, trying not to make too much noise on the gravel driveway as I stumbled towards the door.

  As I slipped my key into the lock, I could still smell the girl’s cheap perfume on me, the taste of her bourbon was still on my lips, and it made my stomach heave. I actually felt dirty and beyond stupid.

  How I’d believed hooking up with some random nobody would help me get over Ally was beyond me. The only thing it did was make me want her more.

  As I stepped through the door, I regretted drinking as much as I had. My head ached as the hangover from hell was already beginning to take hold, and I felt completely drained. All I wanted was some painkillers, a glass of water, and then my bed. I needed to sleep this horrible night off before I had to face Ally and Jacob to tell them that I was leaving. I quickly reset the alarm, trying to remain a quiet as possible, as not to wake anyone. Then, I kicked off my shoes, leaving them on a chair in the hallway before I headed to the kitchen.

  I stepped through the doorway into the dark kitchen, wondering if I should make some coffee before I headed to bed. I knew it seemed
like a stupid idea, but I wondered if I should at least try sobering up a little before I fell asleep. It might help the inevitable headache that I would wake with.

  I decided against it, settling on a bottle of ice-cold water from the fridge instead. I began searching for painkillers when a sound from behind me startled me.

  I turned around at the very same moment Ally appeared in the doorway.

  The moment she spotted me standing there, she froze, looking almost like she’d seen a ghost.

  “Ally!” I exclaimed, once more, feeling that now-familiar longing in the pit of my stomach.

  “Jesus!” She exclaimed as she placed her hand over her heart. “You scared the crap out of me.”

  “I’m sorry, Ally,” I said, taking a single step closer to her, but something made me stop. I knew if I got too close, I wouldn’t be able to resist her, not even for a moment. “I was just getting some water. I didn’t mean to scare you. I wasn’t expecting you to be up.”

  “I couldn’t sleep,” she said, her voice not quite as cold as it had been the last time we spoke, but still she didn’t sound like the Ally I’d come to know, nor would she allow her gaze to meet mine. “I didn’t know that you were out…”

  “I… I just needed to go see Travis,” I explained, wishing that I could tell her what it was she wanted to hear from me. “I needed to… figure some things out.”

  “And did you?” She asked, finally letting her eyes meet mine. “Figure things out, I mean.”

  “I did,” I said, giving her a sad smile, praying that she wouldn’t ask me what I had figured out. “And we can talk about it tomorrow.”

  “Tomorrow?” She asked as a look of uncertainty settled on her face. “Why not now?”

  “Because now, I’m drunk,” I sighed, taking another step closer to her. “And I need a clear head for what I have to say.”

  She stared at me for a moment, and I thought she’d never looked more beautiful than she did at that moment. Then, I remembered how she looked earlier when she emerged from Jacob’s office; how broken and sad she was. I also remembered the noises Jacob had made as he took her, claimed her purely for my benefit.