Silent Screams

by Zachary Ryan

“Why?”

  “Because I left him. I knew we were too serious, and I didn’t want to miss out on my senior year. I also knew how much he hated drinking and partying. He wanted more than a distraction from his dad. I truly thought I gave that to him. He didn’t understand I needed to be the life of the party because of my issues with depression,” he paused in that second. “I thought we had an understanding we were helping each other heal and cope.” He took in a shaky breath. “I’ll never be able to finally tell him that I loved him,” he said.

  I could have told Jefferson that Colby and I were a thing. I could rub it in his face, but it wasn’t my place to say anything. The truth of it all, was that Jefferson did matter more to Colby than I did. Jefferson was the reason the relationship ended, not Colby.

  “He would have gone back to you,” I said. “He cared too much for you.”

  He smiled softly. “Thank you for that. You were a good friend to him. I think a part of me has always been cruel to you, because I couldn’t be around him like you were. I thought you were wasting Colby’s time because he deserved love, not friendship.” He didn’t let me say anything else before he was out the door.

  His last sentence stung me the most because he was right, but I truly believed Colby did love me even when my insecurities came to the forefront. I even remember our biggest fight about it.

  I was at Gabe’s house watching haunted movies. It was a bit of a pregame before we went to the Halloween dance. I walked into the other room after I read a text from Colby telling me that he was going with Jefferson and their friends to the dance.

  “Are you two going together?” I asked, when he picked up the phone.

  “Lane, you’re really overacting here. We’re all a bunch of friends. It’s nothing serious.”

  “But why do you have to go with him?” I asked.

  “Because you aren’t here for me to go with. You’re at Gabe’s going with your friends, and I’m going with mine. You can’t be angry with me because you aren’t out of the closet.”

  I knew that eventually that would come up. He would use that against me to justify his actions, and it pissed me off. “If you want to go with someone that’s fully open, then you’re right; you should go with Jefferson. You still continue to be close to him even after I told you how it made me uncomfortable.”

  “He’s one of my closest friends.”

  “And I’m your boyfriend,” I paused. “But I get it. I’m not as important as they are to you. My feelings don’t matter as much. Have fun with people you really do care about,” I said before I hung up the phone. I didn’t want to give him a chance to respond.

  “Problems?” Gabe’s mom asked, walking into the kitchen. She had a bowl of candy in her hand. She was staying in to pass out candy.

  I shook my head. “No, I’m fine. I just thought someone cared for me more than they actually do.”

  She walked over with worry in her eyes. “It’s okay to voice your hurt feelings to someone that you care about.”

  “But what if they don’t understand where you’re coming from?” I asked. I felt like Colby never understood. I watched so many times Colby followed Jefferson blindly. It killed me too many times to see Colby drop everything to hang with Jefferson. I was his boyfriend, and he shouldn’t be so submissive to Jefferson.

  “You need to have that talk with them. It’s not going to be easy, and there might be more fights along the road. Do you think they’re worth it?” she asked.

  “Yes,” I said, in a heartbeat.

  She smiled and squeezed my arm. “Then you keep trying.” She leaned forward. “I’ve never seen you this happy before.” She winked at me before walking away.

  I came back to the present, and I looked at the empty classroom. She had been right. I fought more with Colby about wanting me to be a huge part of his life, and he listened. We opened up, and we were honest with each other. Colby gave me the love that I deserved. Jefferson was wrong about my relationship with Colby. He did get a friendship, but he also got love with me. It was something Jefferson never truly gave him, and I felt that a part of Jefferson knew that. Too bad, it didn’t matter. Jefferson looked like the broken-hearted ex, while I’m just the guy that Colby kind of knew.

  Chapter Sixty-Seven

  Lane

  I left the poetry club classroom thinking about what I talked to Jefferson about. I wished more than anything that everyone could understand that I was more than just a friend. We were people that fell in love with each other, and it wasn’t fair that Jefferson got most of the sympathy.

  I wasn’t paying attention when I felt a force knock me towards a locker. I felt the pain on my left side. I turned to see it was Chet, Brick, and Tyler. They usually addressed me when I was with Ben.

  “Isn’t it Lane McBride?” Chet looked between Brick and Tyler.

  I looked at him. “I’m surprised you know my name,” I said.

  “I didn’t have any desire to get to know you. You were Gabe’s little sidekick and Ben’s charity case.” He played with the strap of my book bag. “Until, I found out some new information on you that I found rather amusing, and I needed to learn more.”

  I looked at him with curious eyes. “What could you possibly want to know more about me?” I asked.

  He pulled out his phone. He put his phone in front of my face. I felt like my whole light had been taken away from me in that second. How? Was the only question that came out of me. I’ve kept everything about Colby and me a secret.

  I tried to snatch the phone out of his hand. “You don’t have a right to that photo,” I said.

  Chet put his phone in his back pocket and punched me in the stomach. I felt the wind be taken out of me. I coughed and fell to the ground. He bent down in front of me. “I never thought Colby would go for you.

  I looked at him. “Why do you care? Colby, me, Gabe, and everyone else are so beneath you. Why do you give a shit about us?”

  “Because life isn’t fair, and you all need to learn it. I’ve spent too much damn life being taught the troubles with this world, and you all deserve to learn it too.”

  I chuckled. “You just want to project your problems on us,” I said.

  He kicked me without any hesitation. I laid on my back as the room began to swirl. He got in my face. “I don’t have any problems like you do,” he said. “You two made such a cute couple.” I knew when he was looking at the picture that it was of me and Colby.

  I shook my head. “You don’t get to talk about him.”

  “Why not?” Chet asked. “Is it because you killed him?”

  I lifted myself up. “I had nothing to do with his death.”

  Chet crossed his arms. “Really? You were best friends with the guy that put a bullet in him. Do you honestly believe his targets were all accidental?”

  I hated how much Chet’s words got to me. I could feel myself being consumed in all of it. I stood up. I put the target on Colby’s back when I threatened Gabe about going to someone. My life should have been taken, not his.

  I got up. “Fuck you,” I screamed, and lunged at Chet.

  I hit him square in the face. The problem was that I had as much physical power as a day-old kitten. It made no effect on him. He pushed me against the lockers. He then punched me across the face.

  I fell to the ground again. “You really do have a little fight in you.”

  I looked at him. He and Max were such different people. “Why is Max such a good person, and you’re a monster?” I asked.

  “Maybe because one of us got love from people that only had a couple of ounces to give.” I could see that it was a comment that caused the softness to come out. “You would know what that’s like. You have no one that will ever love you. I’ll make damn sure that people know you’re a freak, and you killed Colby. You will continue to prove that Gabe was a psycho, and he went after people. You connect him to one of the targets, and here is proof.”

  He turned to walk away. Chet has made it his life mission to prov
e how evil Gabe was. It was the only thing that connected Chet and me. I heard his words over and over again in my mind. I knew that if I looked at my hands that I would have Colby’s blood on them. I killed Colby, not anyone else. I could have protected him.

  I slid up and put my back against the locker. “You really are pathetic. You’re using my secret against me to better yourself. I haven’t done anything to you, but you want to come after me. You’re such a low life.”

  He turned to me. He chuckled. “You think I’m a low life.” He bent down in front of me. “You might want to ask your best friend Ben how I got the photo. Everyone continues to believe that I’m the evil monster, but at least I’m upfront about who I am.”

  He walked away from me after throwing his last blow. It might not have been a physical one, but I felt my whole heart gasping for life. Did Ben cause this? I asked myself. I continued to ask how he knew about Colby and me. What I feared the most was, who else knew?

  Chapter Sixty-Eight

  Lane

  I walked outside as quickly as I could. I knew my anger fueled me. It was the first-time people actually noticed me, and it was in the worst of ways. I truly wanted this to be a nightmare that I would wake up from.

  I saw Ben in the front grabbing something from his bag. I stormed over and pushed him. He fell to the ground. He rolled over to see me. “Lane, what the fuck?”

  I bent down and punched him across the face. “You exposed me to Chet,” I screamed. I knew people were watching.

  Ben stood up. “He confronted you,” he said, as a statement.

  “When?” I asked. It was all I could think of. I needed to know how long-ago Ben found out about Colby and me.

  “It’s been almost two months when we were at the baseball game.”

  I went through my memories. “How?”

  “You left your phone open, and I saw the photo,” he said.

  “So, you decided to send it to yourself. For what? Protection?” I asked. I needed to know why someone I considered one of my closest friends would do this to me. I had to understand.

  “It’s high school,” he said.

  “That’s not good enough reason,” I said. We heard all the phones go off. I heard people start whispering to each other. I knew in that moment the truth was out. Something that I cared so deeply about had just been exposed to the world.

  I looked away from Ben at Jefferson. He looked from his phone towards me. I saw all the anger in his eyes. I didn’t know why I wanted Jefferson to be the last to know about our relationship.

  “You just exposed me to the whole school. I wanted to spend the rest of my two weeks in this fucking school under the god damn radar.” I looked at him. I knew I had tears in my eyes.

  “I had to do what was best for me,” he said. “And I won’t apologize for it. My scandal is way worse than yours.”

  I looked around at everyone staring at me. I wanted people to know about Colby and me. I had dreamt of the day we walked the halls together. When that was taken away from me, then I wanted to keep our love story to ourselves. I didn’t want outside people to know about how beautiful we were together.

  “You were supposed to be my friend,” I said, as my voice broke. “Gabe was right about you.”

  He looked at me with such angry eyes. “Gabe had no clue what he was talking about. He always tried to play the victim.”

  “And you always tried to be innocent. You try to be our fearless leader. People think you can save them from the dark times, but you’re nothing more than a villain like Chet,” I paused. “That’s wrong. Chet, we knew was cruel. No one thought this of you.”

  I had nothing else left to say. I walked away from Ben. I heard his pleas, but I didn’t let him have a chance to say anything.

  I moved through the crowd, and I felt like my whole world was crumbling. I walked back into the school. I walked right towards his locker. I felt like I didn’t have control anymore. People knew about me and Colby. My truth had been exposed, and I wanted everyone to forget me.

  I heard cries for my name. I looked up to see Cass and Zachary coming towards me. They picked me up and calmed me through the panic attack. They told me it was okay, but how could I trust them? How could I trust anyone? I thought Ben was my friend.

  I pushed them away from me. “Lane, we’re here for you,” Cass said.

  I shook my head. “Did you know he knew?” I asked them.

  Cass and Zachary looked between each other. “No, we didn’t. We’re as shocked as everyone else.”

  I laughed. “Why don’t I believe you two?” I screamed. “Chet was right. I’m the pathetic friend in the group. I know Gabe was bullied, but he stood for something in the most fucked up way.” I ran my fingers through my hair. I thought back to what Chet said. “I killed him. The only honest person in my life, and I got him killed.”

  “Lane, you’re not making sense,” Zachary said, as she touched my hand.

  I snapped back. “Don’t touch me. I don’t want your pity. I want nothing to do with either of you. You guys have thrived in high school, and I’m just the reject left behind. You should have left me that day at the lunch table. You should have ignored me all together. None of this would be happening.”

  I heard Chet’s words in my head repeatedly. My last conversation with Gabe was also on repeat. They were mixing together to play a sick game with me. “I needed to get out of here.” I started to walk away from them.

  “Let us help,” Cass said.

  I snapped back. “No one gets to help me. I don’t deserve it. No one can fix me because only he could.”

  I didn’t let them say anything more. I ran away because I didn’t want them to see my ugliness. Yes, what Ben did was horrible, but what I did was way worse. Ben and I were protecting our images, but he didn’t kill ten people in the process.

  Chapter Sixty-Nine

  Ben

  I walked into my house still having the image of Lane’s face in my mind. I ignored the texts and calls from Cass and Zachary. I knew they would eventually figure out that I was the one that exposed Lane’s secret. I continued to tell myself that it was to keep me safe. People could call me selfish, but I knew it was about survival. No one could blame me for that.

  I walked into the living room, and I was taken aback by the woman sitting on the couch. She was olive skin, dark hair, petite, and she loved showing off her legs apparently. I saw the smile on her face, and I saw how close she was to my father.

  “Dad?” I asked.

  The woman and my father looked at me and stood up. “Ben, I thought you had work tonight,” he said.

  “The event that I was supposed to work downsized, and they didn’t need me anymore,” I said. I dropped my bookbag on the ground. “Do you want to explain to me who this is?” I asked.

  He smiled weakly. “This is Camilla.” He looked at her then me. “I’ve been seeing her for a short period of time,” I said.

  I could tell by their body language that this wasn’t a first date. “How long is a short period of time?” I asked.

  He looked nervous like he was caught doing something. He didn’t have to be guilty with me because it was okay that he was dating. It had been over two months since our mother kicked us out. I didn’t think he would move so quickly, but I couldn’t hold it against him.

  “We’ve been together since the holidays,” Camilla said.

  I looked at my father because that made sense why he was feeling guilty. “Are you telling me that you had an affair?” I asked. I felt myself getting enraged. “Is this the reason mom kicked us out?” I asked. I got closer to him. “She’s the reason that we lost our lives?” I asked.

  My dad placed a hand on my chest. “Your mother kicked us out because I wouldn’t let you continue to have any say in your life,” he said. He turned to Camilla. “We had been having the affair for some time. I told Camilla that I wanted your mother to catch us because I knew she would kick us out.”

  “I defended you,” I said, a
s I swatted his hand away. “You were the only one that made sure that I felt like I had control in my life. You have been lying to me this whole damn time!” I screamed.

  “What did you want me to do, Ben? After your car accident, I thought your mother would stop her controlling ways. She said she was doing her best to give you a life that you didn’t need to worry about the future. I saw how much you hated it. You truly believed that you were happy, but the boy I raised wasn’t there anymore,” he said.

  “You should have told me the truth. I spent weeks trying to wrap my mind around why she kicked us out. I thought it was something to do with me. I believed that she was disappointed in me. In my heart, I accepted that I would never be good enough for the Howard name.” I pointed a finger into his chest. “And all this time it was because you had a bruised ego from mom.”

  I looked away from him and looked up at the ceiling. I realized all the terrible things I’ve done and dealt with since my mother kicked us out. I shook my head. “I’ve been fucking miserable since we moved here. I want nothing more than to have that life back,” I said.

  “But you wouldn’t have been happy down the road. You would have been trapped in a cage.”

  “Look around, dad,” I said. “What do you think this is?” I asked.

  “Maybe, I should go,” Camilla said.

  “No, you can stay. I want to make sure that I have all the fucking facts since apparently, it’s perfectly okay to keep everything hidden from me.” I didn’t understand why people had this obsession with making themselves seem so perfect to me. I understood that I had kept my own dirty laundry very deep behind closed doors, but why did they ever feel like they had to protect me from the darkness of the world?

  My dad looked at Camilla and then me. “I was miserable for so long, Ben. I needed some kind of light, and Camilla came into my life. I knew that if you knew about the affair you would stay with your mother. It wasn’t the smartest decision in the world, but I did what I thought was right,” he said.