Dissident

by Lisa Beeson

  Standing up, she rushed over to him. “So I could do this,” she said taking his hand in hers and holding it close to her heart. “And this…” She raised her other hand to his face, caressing his skin with her fingertips. “…Without turning into a hormone-fueled lust monster, ready to jump your bones.”

  His eyes widened a fraction as his face spread into a wicked grin. “Honestly, I wouldn’t mind.”

  A laugh bubbled up, but she quickly suppressed it, stepping away.

  “Don’t,” he pleaded. With a gentle tug, he pulled her back to hold her close.

  Ari leaned into him, resting her head on his strong shoulder. She loved him. She needed him. She didn’t want to hurt him anymore.

  “If you don’t love me, just tell me and I’ll let you go,” he breathed into her hair. “Just tell me…”

  She knew that she was torturing him with her mixed messages, but she couldn’t completely suppress her feelings for him, even if they were doomed. Her heart and mind were warring in a high-stakes battle for their future. It was all so unfair, but she had to look at the bigger picture. She played with the idea of telling him that she didn’t love him so she could preserve him and keep him safe. But she couldn’t bring herself to do it.

  “I do love you, Cam… more than anything.”

  His joy and relief pulsed around him like a bright aurora.

  “Then why do you keep pushing me away?”

  Ari sighed as tears stung her eyes. “Because it could never work… If we cut this off now, before-”

  He dropped his arms, turning away as he rubbed the back of his head and paced, leaving a cold void where he had been.

  “Is it because I’m human?” he asked, turning back to her.

  “No, that’s not it at all. Well, kind of. But not in the way you’re thinking,” she asserted.

  “Then explain it. If I love you and you love me, then what’s the problem? I felt it, back at that spring, Ari. And I know you did too. We are each other’s match in every way that counts.”

  “You’re too fragile,” she breathed out, feeling wretched.

  “Excuse me?” An offended scowl creased his brow. “I got at least ten pounds of muscle that beg to differ.” He flexed his arms as an example, and she couldn’t help being impressed at the difference in them since she’d left Scion’s Keep.

  “That’s not what I mean,” she said with a sad smile and a weary shake of her head. “You’re my best friend, Cam. You have the ability to make me laugh even as the world burns around us. You’ve been my rock, and my light in the darkness. I love you so much it hurts…

  He took a hopeful step towards her.

  “…that’s why we can’t be together. I can’t lose you.”

  “You’re not making any sense!” he shouted in frustration, placing a hand on his chest, “I’m right here, ready to leave everything behind to travel the universe with you. You’re not going to lose me.”

  “I’ve already changed you so that you could withstand…me, Cam. That’s why I’ve been cutting myself off from you so I don’t do it anymore. That’s why I brought you here, so I could explain that it’s not that I don’t want you to touch me, it’s that I want it too much. I can’t think when you’re near me or when I look into your eyes in the real world. I become this primal thing and I can’t control myself. And I’m scared that if I don’t kill you, I’ll change you so much that you’ll lose everything that makes you…you.”

  “So I have no choice in the matter?” he asked with a sardonic shrug. “You’re just going to bury what we have before it even has a chance to live, all because you’re scared? I’m made of stronger stuff than you think, Ari. I felt the danger between us just as much as the potential, but I’m not afraid to love you. I’m in all the way.”

  “You don’t understand…”

  “I know that I’ll age faster than you, that my life will be a blink of an eye to you. But like you said, you’ve changed me already. And I feel those changes. I’m stronger, quicker, my eyesight’s better. If you can do that, then you could make it so I can live as long as you.”

  “That’s what I’m talking about, Cam.” Turning away from his look of hurt and frustration, she stared out over peaceful vista. “The Shades used to be human before they stole a way to immortality that wasn’t meant for them. You saw firsthand what that immortality did to them.”

  “It won’t be like that,” he insisted. “You’re not going to turn me into some body-stealing evil spiri-”

  “Cam,” she said, cutting him off, agitated with his purposeful obtuseness. “Granted, it won’t be exactly like the Shades, but what if in taking away your mortality, taking away that fear of death that makes you relish and appreciate not only your life but the lives of others, makes you lose who you are?”

  She heard his release of breath as he came up behind her, close but not touching. “Then you’ll help me find myself, just as I’d do for you.” He lightly trailed his fingers down her arm, sending delicious chills throughout her body. He interlaced his fingers with hers. “I give you permission to change anything you need to allow me to be with you,” he whispered in her ear. “I trust you, Ari. Now you need to trust in me. I am yours and I always will be. No matter what.”

  Settling back against him, she savored his closeness, wanting so much to believe that they could have a fairy tale happily ever after. Wanting to trust that he would still be the Cam she loved no matter what. He was her safe place, her port in the storm. And she knew that she would always be his as well. No matter what.

  They began to sway to a silent melody, feeling a rhythm all their own. She wished this moment would never end, but like all the other moments she had spent in the Inbetween, she knew it could not last forever. Reality would always win.

  “Anu is not kind to humans, Cam,” she warned.

  “Good thing I’m not an ordinary human,” he said without missing a beat, and she could hear the cocky smile in his voice.

  “I’m serious. It won’t be safe for you there.” She hesitated at her next words, hating the necessity of them, but unable to deny the logic. “What if the only place we can be together is here? It was what my parents had to do to be together; maybe our fate is to do the same. That way you can live your natural life on Earth, and I won’t have to change you.”

  “Nope. Not good enough. I don’t want the best part of my life, the best part of me, to just be a dream. I want to be by your side through all of what life has to offer – through the good times and the bad. That’s what real love is all about.”

  The truth of his words stung. He was right. This place was only an idyllic fantasy where she and her parents could pretend to be a family. That’s why it had felt so important to her to be with her parents in the real world – she was subconsciously yearning for the realness of the dichotomies of life. A test to see if they could truly love her even when it wasn’t easy. Her mother had passed that test, and she had died for her love. Would Oan still love her after what had happened to Malu? Would he want anything to do with her now?

  “I might not survive my transition, Cam.” She felt him still behind her, his fingers grasping her hand tighter. “There’s a chance my growing power will be too much for my physical form. That’s why my skin feels warmer to the touch. My body is breaking down from my sporadic power increases. And every time I use my growing abilities it breaks down even faster.”

  He brought his other arm across her to hold her close, his head leaning into hers, his breath on her cheek.

  “What if I lengthen your lifespan and change you so we can be together and then I die… Would you still want me to do it then?” she asked. “We need to think about the future, Cam. What the repercussions of our actions will really mean, before we give in to anything.”

  Cam brought their entwined hands up to rest over her heart and held her tight, as if his embrace alone could hold her together and keep her whole. She felt his feelings of helplessness and yearning that matched her own.

 
After a moment of tense silence, she felt his resolve strengthen. “When I was drowning, my mom spoke to me,” he said quietly. “I know it sounds crazy, but she did.”

  “I believe you,” she whispered, knowing that she had experienced the same thing with her brush with death. Her heart gave a painful squeeze knowing that she had come that close to losing him.

  He took a deep breath. “She told me seek out joy and embrace the genuine love and beauty that life offers. To let that be the measure of my days, not the hardship and heartache. And that if I did that, then I’d never be sorry.

  “I understand the wisdom of looking at the big picture, the need to protect ourselves from future pain. But if we’re too focused on the future, we’ll miss the beautiful shining moments that lay just within our reach. I’ve almost lost you too many times, Ari. Life is too uncertain to deny ourselves joy just because there might be pain in the future. Those bright jewels of happiness are what get us through the dark times. It’s those moments that make life worth living.” He turned her around to face him. “My instincts have guided me to some strange places, but they have never steered me wrong because they led me to you. And now, they’re telling me that loving you is the right thing to do. If we have forever or only a few moments, it will be worth it. You are worth it, Ari.”

  Her resolve wavered as her hope bloomed. Cam was no longer the flippant carefree boy she had first met back in Chicago. He was growing into the wise, stalwart man she’d seen in him, just waiting to emerge. Her Soldier of Light.

  “Do you even know how beautiful you are?” he whispered in awe.

  “Only when you look at me…” And it was the truth. She could see herself mirrored in the dark pools of his eyes. He accepted and cherished everything about her, even her flaws. To him, she was perfect.

  But would you still feel the same if you knew I was a Fluxxai? If you knew everything I’ve done?

  Before her lies of omission pushed them apart, she closed the distance and raised her lips to his. Intoxicating electricity surged between them, drowning them in blissful desperation. Leaning in and raking their fingers through each other’s hair, they couldn’t get close enough. Their xjaasai reconnected in their ethereal, graceful dance, melding together and claiming each other as their own.

  Drinking each other in, her feet lost all sensation. Everything else slipped away. It was only Cam and Ari. In that moment, nothing else mattered.

  Even though this wasn’t her first kiss, it was the first one that wasn’t taken. She had given it freely. Her heart overflowed with elation that she had given it to Cam. My Cam… She could lose herself to this kiss, perfectly willing to surrender her heart to him, but her omissions pulled her back. If they were really going to do this, then he deserved to know everything about her before making that irreversible choice.

  Using every ounce of self-control and determination she possessed, Ari slowly pulled away from the kiss, resting her forehead against his and panting. “Cam, I… before we do this, before you choose this… I need you to know something…”

  He made a sound of inquiry against her lips, apparently unable to form coherent words.

  She began with showing him her memory of what happened at the Malethian market. All of it, the chase, their capture, the death of her uncle and mother, and all the people she killed because of it. Followed by what she had done to Kael back at Ardemere, and what he had told her she was. She then showed him what had happened at Jashar’s plantation. What they had done to Adam and Jean-Baptiste, the darkness she had taken in, and what she’d done to protect her parents from the Shades camped out across the street – the fire she started, the bodies she burned. She showed him Absolem’s story of his sister, then the first conversation she had with Mother Am in the Garden, when she had explained what the Fluxxai really were and what she could become. Then she showed him their last conversation, when Mother Am and Badb explained what would happen if she didn’t get to Absolem in time.

  Disconnecting, she whispered, “I’m far from perfect, Cam. And now that you know everything you can make your real choice…”

  Not brave enough to face his decision or his judgement, she brought them back from the Inbetween and immediately sifted away from his stunned form still sitting on the attic bed.

  Chapter 32

  Tucking in the bottom of Jamie’s work pants into one of Adam’s old black army boots, Ari tightened the laces with a firm jerk and tied them tight. Stuffing the loose strings into the top of the boots, she stood up to look in Jamie’s standing mirror.

  The dark grey pants, black t-shirt and boots were definitely more conducive for what was to come than what she’d been previously wearing. Thankfully, Jamie’s clothes actually fit her pretty well now. The boots were a bit loose, but nothing a couple pairs of socks didn’t fix.

  Staring at her reflection, Ari didn’t recognize the person staring back at her. Now that her memories had returned it was hard to reconcile who she truly was anymore. Sennah, Kira, Ari… they were all chapters in the same story, but what was the name of the book? Who was she to ultimately become?

  Battle-scarred and weary, I’m finally making my way back home to you, Oan… where we will be strangers to each other.

  There was a light rap at the door. Jean-Baptiste’s voice said from the other side, “It’s time, cher. You ready?”

  Am I ready?

  Her hand went down to lightly pat the pocket holding Mother Am’s pouch of manna fruit. Her family and all the food she was able to pack away helped to buoy some of her strength, but the aching fatigue still gnawed at her bones. Taking a second to brace herself, thinking of all that was at stake, Ari opened her eyes to stare with a determined glare at her reflection. “Yes, I’m ready,” she called.

  Opening the door to Jean-Baptiste’s smiling face, Ari leaned into his side to give him a half hug. It still did her heart good to see him whole and strong.

  She noticed he had changed the color of his clothing from fawn to black.

  “Let’s go,” he said as they began walking towards the steps. “They’re all waiting for us.”

  “Us?” She stopped walking. “You’re coming with me?

  “Adam and I both are,” he said with a nod. “We’re your Guardians. We go wherever you go.” He pulled his sleeve back to reveal an iridescent rune on the inside of his forearm. “Adam and I are bound to you, as you are to us.”

  “What?” When she found nothing on or around her arms, he pointed to the back of her neck.

  Ari ran into the bathroom, searching for a hand mirror in one of the drawers, that she was sure was there. “You marked me? When did this even happen?” Grabbing the red plastic handle of the mirror, she held it up, turning around to see the reflection in the mirror over the sink. There it was – a brand new rune on the base of her neck, right on her spine. With her hair pulled up in a top knot, she could see it clearly, and recognized it as the symbol that had been in the branches of the tree Alvaro had drawn.

  “Mother Am did it before J.B. left to help Val,” Badb said, suddenly standing beside Jean-Baptiste in the doorway.

  “And you guys just did it without asking if I was okay with that?”

  “I’m sorry, cher. But the rune will help us to protect you,” Jean-Baptiste said with a slight repentant bow of his head. “Now we will always be able to know where you are.”

  “For your continued survival, it was in your best interest for you to have a connection with the Xjaamin,” Badb added. “You already had one connecting you to Absolem, but the rune was damaged from the explosion back in New York.”

  Ari’s hand absently went up to feel the small scar on the back of her head. She remembered Absolem being rather put out that she had deactivated the rune there. Even though Ari could understand the necessity of it, she still felt salty that she’d been tattooed without her consent. Not cool, guys. Not cool.

  Ari had to keep in mind that even though the Xjaamin seemed to be on her side, they were working on a bigger picture. Yes
, they had kept her family safe for her. But they were also the ones who had asked Anita to sacrifice her life, and the ones who had steered Otto Feliks into becoming Markus Reinhold. The Bigger Picture was not considerate of the individual.

  “But what about Paradise Glades?” she asked, changing the subject before she got peevish and sulky. “What about all these people…” I need to know that my family will be safe.

  “They’ll be fine,” Badb said. “My sisters and I will keep an eye out for them. And there will be another Xjaamin here soon anyway.” She gestured her head back down the hall as she and Jean-Baptiste stepped out of the way.

  Ari put down the mirror as she stepped out of the bathroom to peek through the open door of the guestroom. Cass was leaning over Helena on the bed, her eyes closed and her hands on Helena’s head.

  “Wait, Cass is going to be a Xjaamin?”

  “You already started the process for her,” Badb said with a mischievous grin.

  Ari was about to protest before a vision flashed behind her eyes of her sitting at Cass’s table back in New Orleans. Watching it play out as an observer, Ari saw Cass holding her hand then flinching away in pain after trying to read her mind.

  “Unbeknownst to you, your will was trying to make it so she’d be able to withstand the true you,” Badb continued, as the vision faded. “You began her transition, and now she’s choosing to finish it. It was always the direction her path was going to take, so don’t go blaming yourself for anything.”

  Swallowing her guilt and forcing herself to let it go, she glanced back at Helena’s unconscious body on the bed, thinking about the dead-eyed stare she’d seen the woman have on TV. Was there a way to come back from being brainwashed like that? “What about Helena?”

  “Cass has it covered,” Badb said. “It will be a process, but eventually she will be fine.”

  “Come, cher.” Jean-Baptiste placed a gentle hand on her back and ushered her towards the stairs. “It’s time to go say goodbye.”