How Now Purple Cow

by Marja McGraw

  “Hmm. That’ll be the day. Ace has been filling us in on some of your cases.”

  “We don’t have cases. Things just seem to fall into our laps sometimes.”

  “Well, what fell into your laps this time?

  I moved the phone away from my ear and studied it for a moment. Why had I said I’d be honest with her?

  “Pamela?”

  I could hear her voice coming from the phone and put it back to my ear. “Mother, we’re involved in something that has to do with national security. I can’t say more than that. I’m on the phone, for heaven’s sake. I can’t say too much.”

  “Uh huh. Do you remember an old show called Scarecrow and Mrs. King? I used to love that show, but I don’t want you to be a Mrs. King. She was a spy, for the love of God. A homemaker, but still a spy. Pamela, what have you gotten into?”

  I laughed nervously. “Mother, I really can’t tell you. But if Mikey is worried, I’m counting on you and Daddy to divert his attention from us. Keep him busy at the store or something. We didn’t mean to get involved in anything, but we really didn’t have a choice.”

  “Pamela, Pamela, Pamela. What am I going to do with you? I thought I taught you to be just a run-of-the-mill woman.” She paused. “That didn’t sound right. What I mean is that I didn’t teach you to get involved in crime, especially if it involves spies.”

  “I can’t talk about this, Mom. Where’s Mikey? Obviously he’s not at your elbow or you wouldn’t be so outspoken.”

  “He’s in Aisle Five with your father. They’re putting out fresh bread.”

  “May I speak with him?”

  She set the phone on the counter and called his name, loud and clear. I could tell by her tone that she was annoyed with me, and probably more worried than Mikey. It made sense to me. She was my mother, after all.

  After a little clunking, I heard my son’s voice. “Mom?”

  “Mikey. I’m so glad I called. It’s good to hear your voice.”

  “I’m glad you called, too. Are you and Dad okay?”

  “Of course we are, Son. You have nothing to worry about.”

  “Spies, Mom. That’s what I’m worried about.” What a suspicious child. Yeah, he gets it from me.

  “You’ve been watching too many movies. Your father and I are just fine. Piper and James are still around, but they’re old agents, honey. It’s not like we’re in the middle of a spy story.” I choked on my own words.

  “Are you okay? Get a glass of water like you tell me to do when I cough.”

  “I’m fine, Son. I just swallowed the wrong way.”

  We talked for a few more minutes and both purposely avoided mentioning the elephant in the room – spies – again.

  “Will you call me tonight?” Mikey asked.

  “Of course I will. And you can talk to your dad then, too.”

  “Where is he right now?”

  “Oh, I don’t know. I think he’s putting dog food in the car.”

  “Dog food?” There was no missing the return of suspicion in his voice. “Why? Where are Sherlock and Watson going?”

  “They’re going to Grandma and Grandpa’s with us. That’s all. We’re going to spend the night there.”

  “Why?”

  “They’re lonely without you here.” That should do the trick.

  It didn’t.

  “You are doing spy stuff, aren’t you?” His tone had turned accusatory.

  “No, sweetie, we’re just getting together with your dad’s parents. Very simple. Grandma went to church with me this morning.” I tried changing the subject.

  “What did Pastor Findlay talk about?”

  “Picking your b…” I caught myself. I didn’t want to mention battles. “Um, picking up your messy bedroom. In other words, kids should help around the house, which you already do.” Whew!

  “Okay. Call me at Grandma and Grandpa’s house. I’ll be waiting.”

  “Love you, sweetie. Now put Grandma back on the phone.”

  I could hear muffled conversation between them before she took the phone from him.

  “Pamela, you and your husband need to stop all this nonsense. No more cases. I mean it. I really mean it.” My mother could be pretty bossy when she wanted to.

  “Yes, Mother, we’ll be careful, and the next time someone tries to involve us in something, we’ll just turn our backs to them and walk away.”

  “That’s the spirit!” She suddenly sounded cheerful.

  Pick your battles. “Yes, Mom, you’ve made some good points and I’m taking them all into consideration.”

  “That’s my girl. Now I’ve got customers starting to line up, so I’ve got to go. Talk to you tonight.” She hung up before I could respond.

  My mother was so predictable. Not to mention, outspoken. You always knew where you stood with her, which was nice. She didn’t play games. She was honest. Both traits I hadn’t necessarily inherited.

  After carrying my two purses out to the car, I returned to the house for my regular bag. It wasn’t large enough to carry clothes in, and that suited me just fine. I did a quick check of the house to make sure I hadn’t forgotten anything before locking up and heading back to the car.

  “Let’s take both cars,” Chris said. “If we drive to the errand locations separately, we’re less likely to be spotted.”

  “Good idea. Besides, Grigori won’t have seen your Chevy yet. Put it in your parents’ garage and we’ll leave the Jeep outside overnight.”

  He nodded, gave me a quick kiss and walked into our garage to pull out the vintage Chevy.

  In the meantime, I pulled out and headed for the store to pick up a birthday card for Randy’s wife. I’d almost forgotten about that. Little things matter sometimes. He’d been friendly and he’d let us know about the old man who stopped to talk to him, too. It couldn’t hurt to stay on his good side.

  I pulled out of the parking lot and had a sudden thought that bothered me.

  Randy’s timing seemed a bit too perfect, coming to work for my in-laws when he did, and showing up at the same mall where the Hathaways were trying to be seen.

  I’d have to ask Piper and James what their thoughts were about Randy.

  Chapter Thirty-six

  When I arrived at my in-law’s house, Chris and his father were sitting on the porch talking. Chris was Bogeying a cigarette, which means he was in character. He had a cigarette hanging out of the corner of his mouth while he talked. He doesn’t smoke, and it wasn’t lit, but it put him in mind of Humphrey Bogart in some of his movies. As I drew closer I saw that his eyes were mere slits, as though there really was smoke floating up into his face.

  I just shook my head when I walked past the two men. I noticed Chris, Sr. watch his son’s mouth while he talked and his tight-lipped grin was in place.

  Sherlock and Watson sat on either side of Chris, watching the neighborhood. Could they have a feeling of being needed for guard duty? Nah. I didn’t think they were that smart.

  Inside the house I found a quiet, peaceful moment alone. Listening, I realized I couldn’t hear anyone talking. I heard a noise in the kitchen and followed it, knowing I’d find Judith.

  She was at the sink washing some dishes. I tapped her on the shoulder, half expecting to scare her.

  She glanced over her shoulder. “Heard you coming.”

  “Maybe I’d better practice being quiet. I’d like to be able to sneak up on that old spy tomorrow. Where is everybody?”

  “They’re still at home finding the things they’ll need. Carol has called twice to ask what I thought about her choices.”

  “Figures. She’ll want to be fashionable, even in disguise.”

  “Pamela, I’ve been giving all of this a lot of thought.” She pulled the stopper out of the sink to let the water drain and wiped her hands on a towel. After putting on some hand lotion, she walked out to the dining room table and sat down.

  “What’s on your mind?” I asked, sitting across from her.

  “This i
s a big deal. I mean, we’ve been treating it lightly, and it really is a big deal. Our lives could be in danger.”

  “Maybe treating it lightly is the only way we handle it.”

  “Maybe, but we’re not just up against one old assassin. He’s got help. There’s someone younger in on this. We’re novices, Pamela. We don’t know what we’re doing, other than taking suggestions from Piper and James.”

  “I know, Judith. In all honesty, we’re unwilling participants in this… This assignment. I don’t know what else to call it. But we’re part of it, and I don’t see any way out other than to cooperate.”

  “Oh, your father-in-law is like a little kid. He’s all for it. This is something he always wanted to do – get involved in spying.” She glanced into my eyes. “I had no idea that’s what he’d wanted to do all his life. Can you imagine?”

  I shook my head without replying.

  “Me? All I want to do is get this over with and start making scones for the restaurant.”

  “I think it’ll be over with soon, Judith. My gut feeling is that tomorrow is the big day. I could be wrong, but – “

  Judith interrupted me. “I think you’re right. That old geezer is in his nineties. He’d anxious for his last hurrah. I really have tried to think things through. He wants to be the winner in all of this. He’s had the hots for James, so to speak, for all these years. He wants revenge. I can feel it. He knows he doesn’t have much time left and he wants to get this done.”

  “Just a suggestion, but I think we’d better keep our eyes on Chris, Sr. If this is what he’s always wanted to do, well, he’s liable to take chances he shouldn’t.”

  “I agree. I’m not letting my husband out of my sight.”

  “Between us, you and me, we’ll make quite a team.” I started to laugh. “Think about it. The twins should be pretty interesting, too.”

  Judith laughed with me. “I’m picturing them trying to be sneaky in my mind. What a sight.”

  The front door opened and Piper’s voice called out, “Hello.”

  “Come on in,” Judith said.

  My favorite spy joined us at the table.

  I tipped my head to the side and smiled at her. “Funny. I just thought of you as my favorite spy.”

  “I hope you still feel that way after tomorrow.”

  “Any new sightings? Did you see anyone following you today?” Judith looked apprehensive.

  “Nothing. All’s quiet for the moment.”

  I understood Judith’s trepidation and I was relieved that we were having a non-productive day. Okay, we’d been productive as far as preparing for Monday.

  “Where’s James?” I asked.

  “He’s out on the front porch with your husbands. James is chewing on his cigar, which means he’s comfortable with them.” She glanced at me. “Your hubby is very much in his Bogey character this afternoon. He curled his upper lip under and nodded at me as I passed by. I think he said something about me being the brains behind this caper.”

  “That’s my Bogey Man.”

  “I like him. Humor always makes things easier, too. Never lose your sense of humor. James hasn’t.”

  We heard voices coming from outside and the twins pushed the front door open.

  “Here we are,” Coral said.

  “In all our glory,” Carol added.

  I looked up to see two strangers standing in the living room. Coral had on a black wig with enough make-up to choke a horse. She wore slacks that were so tight I was surprised she could walk.

  Carol, on the other hand, had on a red wig with no make-up whatsoever. She had on a loose-fitting dress that looked like it came from a grab bag.

  Piper slowly looked them up and down. “Verrry good. If I didn’t know you, I’d have to look carefully to see any resemblance.”

  They joined us at the table.

  “Really?” Coral asked. “We were afraid you’d make us change.”

  “Well, there is one issue. When you’re ready to change your appearance, Coral, you’re going to have to take that make-up off in a hurry. You’ll be strapped for time.”

  “Not a problem.” She pulled a small packet of make-up remover pads from her purse and quickly wiped off all the hard work she’d put onto her face. “Voila!”

  Piper patted her arm. “Like I said, very good.”

  Carol had a whine in her voice. “What about me?”

  “You’re perfect and it won’t take you long to change.”

  The twins looked at each other and nodded to one another. “We knew we could do it.”

  The men walked in and seated themselves at the table.

  James looked from face to face. “Does anyone have any questions before tomorrow?” He held his stogie between his index finger and thumb, rolling it back and forth.

  The twins were full of questions such as how fast or slow they were supposed to walk, was there a timetable about when they should they change appearance and how long did they have to do it, and when should they use their pepper spray. They both spoke at once.

  James turned to Piper. “I don’t think this is going to work,” he said.

  She reached out to him and he took her hand. “Yes, it is, babe. These people are kind of quirky, and that’s exactly what we need.”

  She took in all of our faces with one sweeping glance. “No offense intended.”

  “None taken.” Coral was practically bouncing in her seat. “You’ll see. We’ll be an asset to this episode of Spies 101.”

  James chuckled. “Spies 101? I like that. Good attitude.” He stopped smiling. “You realize, I hope, that this may be dangerous.”

  Everyone at the table nodded, some looking more worried than others.

  James and Piper went over everything with us one more time. We discussed demeanor, evasive measures, when not to use pepper spray – James looked directly at the twins – and defensive moves. They talked about timing and how to casually reenter the parade when in a new disguise. In fact, we discussed so many things that I wasn’t sure I could remember them all.

  Randy showed up at the door while we talked. He came in and waited patiently while we all signed the card for his wife.

  “Thank you all so much,” he said. “This will mean a lot to my wife. How often do total strangers send a card to someone?”

  He left and we got back to our question and answer period.

  “Where are Rick and Constance,” I asked. “Shouldn’t they be in on this?”

  Piper raised her eyebrows. “They went out to dinner. Rick said he’d fill Connie in on everything. She’ll be here early in the morning.”

  I raised my own eyebrows. I still couldn’t get it through my head that my friend could be so interested in an old man like Rick. Of course, as an ex-super spy I supposed there was some excitement to him.

  I turned to Piper and James. “There’s something I’ve been thinking about.”

  “What’s that?” Piper leaned in my direction.

  “Have any of you wondered about Randy? His timing seems almost too perfect, both in showing up for the yard job and shopping at the mall when we were there.”

  “Thought about it,” James said, “and I’m keeping an eye on him.”

  Chapter Thirty-seven

  We were all up very early on Monday morning. There was a lot of nervous chatter throughout the house. We needed to do something to calm ourselves.

  The night before there’d been little discussion about Randy because we simply didn’t know much about him. James said he had some ideas and to let it go. Piper agreed with him, but the idea of his timing seemed to set everyone on edge.

  Chris and I called Mikey on Sunday night, which seemed to have a calming effect on us. We’d made everyone be quiet while we talked to him so he wouldn’t know there was a house full of people. They seemed a bit calmer, too, but it in the morning, all bets were off.

  After I fed the dogs and gave them fresh water, Judith and I prepared a large breakfast for everyone. We didn’t know if
we’d have time for lunch, and we wanted to be prepared.

  Constance and the spies arrived before we ate and they sat with us and nibbled on toast. They’d already eaten.

  I couldn’t help it. I watched Constance’s and Rick’s interactions. They were like two lovebirds, and they surprised me. I’d never had a clue that she liked older men, but then maybe this was something new to her. Come to think of it, she’d never dated much during the time I’d known her. A casual date here and there, and that was it. She missed her deceased husband. This was different. She seemed to have a renewed energy and there was a new look in her eyes.

  I took a bite of egg and tried to forget about this new relationship.

  I realized Chris had been watching me when he patted my knee and winked at me, with a quick glance at the odd couple, as I was coming to think of them.

  We were just finishing breakfast when the phone rang. Judith left us and answered it in the kitchen.

  Interestingly, Sherlock didn’t race her for the phone. Apparently, that was something he only did at home.

  She returned shortly. “That was our snoopy neighbor. She said both suspicious cars are parked down the street, each facing a different direction. She said she saw an old man climb out of the light blue car and cross the street to talk to someone in the SUV. They only talked for a moment before he returned to his car.”

  James clapped his hands. “It’s almost time, folks. Here’s the plan.”

  The dogs responded to the hand clapping so I put them outside. We didn’t need a distraction.

  James told us exactly where he and Piper were going. There was an area where shops had come together to set up an Old Town street mall using old buildings. Lots of gift shops, antique stores and other specialty stores. Piper had thought about going back to the other mall, but that seemed too enclosed and predictable. They wanted some open space.

  We all knew the street James was talking about and agreed to leave a few minutes after the bad guys. We didn’t want them to see us all leaving at the same time.

  Piper said she wanted to wait a while. If they left too soon, the Russian spies would probably figure they’d been made. We didn’t want that to happen.