Koibumi

by Hildred Billings

  The pillow beneath Yuri’s head punched into itself as she slammed her face into it. “Ah! It smells like your hair! This must be your pillow, Aiko-san.”

  “It is.” Aiko poked Yuri on the nose. “And this is Reina’s.” She held up the pillow beneath her elbow. It smelled of Reina’s musky body odor, and made Aiko wish for the briefest second that Reina was there with them.

  “Ii na.” Yuri flung herself onto her back, tiny breasts bouncing with her movements. She stared at the ceiling with a smile. “You get to sleep with the woman you love every night.”

  Aiko stuffed her spouse’s pillow beneath her elbow again. “Says the woman who has a husband she sleeps next to.”

  Although she said it cheerfully, she still managed to knock the smile off Yuri’s face. “Actually…” She stiffened. “My husband spends more nights downtown now. Sometimes I don’t see him all week until Saturday. It’s made our daughter agitated since they’re close.”

  “Really?” Aiko had heard of the salaryman living in the city during the week phenomenon before, but that was usually for men whose homes were far away from Tokyo’s center. Where they lived was barely a half-hour train ride away on the busiest days. Even when Reina goes out with her coworkers after work, she’s still home well before last train. “Do you think he’s…?”

  “I don’t know. As I told you before, I think he has a girlfriend. He might be lying to me when he says he has to stay in a hotel because of working late.”

  “How long has this been going on?”

  Yuri bit her lip. “Since April. So, three months.” She turned onto her side and looked Aiko in the eye. “Be honest: do you think I have no right to feel bad about it?”

  “Well, that’s not for me to decide.” Aiko tried to not think about her friend’s predicament in the sexuality department. From what she understood, Yuri had known she was gay since she was a teenager, but married a man anyway due to familial pressure. She also understood that Yuri loved her husband as much as she could, to the point where they were good friends as well as husband and wife. But one could only lie to themselves for so long. “It seems, though, that you never let your relationship with me,” and Reina, “get in the way of your marriage. If your husband does have a girlfriend, it’s affecting your relationship.”

  “Yes. Even though I don’t miss him sexually, I do miss his presence.” A new smile bloomed on her countenance. “I have you and Reina-san to keep me happy in the other department. Ara, does she know we do it in your guys’ bed?”

  Aiko laughed at the concern. She gets off on it! “She doesn’t mind. She has other lovers I let her see by herself too.”

  “Really? Oh! Like her friend. I remember now.”

  “Yes.” A part of their agreement was that Reina could see Michiko and that Aiko could see Yuri without prior approval or knowledge. Those two women were trusted enough by all parties that it was just another facet of their relationship. Of course, Aiko still couldn’t help divulging all the details to Reina and asking for the same in return. “There’s her. And recently there is someone else sometimes.” A few months earlier, they met a woman from Hokkaido who ended up in a mutual attraction with them. Although Aiko had instigated that relationship, it was Reina the other woman gravitated toward in the long run. Aiko got her occasional fun too, but she didn’t tell her spouse no when spontaneous “I’m in Tokyo this weekend” calls arrived. Those, however, definitely warranted details.

  “Sugoi, nee…” Yuri rolled onto her back again. “You two are so open with each other.”

  Dread surfaced in Aiko’s throat like bile. “Not always. There are some things we don’t talk about as often as we should.” Like her gender dysphoria. “Recently I have tried to get her to seriously discuss having a baby, and she ignores me.”

  “Sou. Because she doesn’t want one.”

  Aiko blanched. “Yes. I suppose so.” Easy for Yuri to so casually say – she already had a child. Earlier, during their lovemaking, Aiko had taken the time to study Yuri’s body to see how pregnancy and childbirth had changed it. She saw the faintest stretch marks and couldn’t claim any noticeable difference between Yuri’s vulva and those of women Aiko knew had never given birth. She’s a lucky one. And at her age, who knew what a baby would do to her body. Destroy it.

  “Well, if you ever have a baby, Aiko-san, I’ll be sure to help you.”

  She traced the line down Yuri’s cleavage. “Thank you. You’re a good friend.”

  Yuri withheld another giggle as Aiko tickled her skin. “Would you want a girl or a boy?”

  “Ah.” Aiko wrapped her arms around her lover and nestled into the nape of her neck. “A girl.” It worked twofold: on one hand Aiko liked girly things, and having a daughter meant she could continue to fill her life with the things she always loved – and on the other it meant Reina might pay more attention to it, simply because her disdain for everything male would certainly pass on to any children in the house. She definitely wouldn’t be changing boy diapers. If any.

  She kissed Yuri as a way to distance herself from those thoughts. That kiss turned powerful as they embraced on the bed and rolled into another lovemaking position, Yuri’s legs opening while Aiko’s hand perused down her vulva.

  No doubt they would have sex again, if it weren’t for the doorbell ringing downstairs.

  Aiko snapped up. “Who in the world?” The only ones who stopped by her house were Yuri (who was already there), deliverymen (she wasn’t expecting anything), and the occasional Jehovah’s Witness or neighborhood associate. “Wait here.” She didn’t have to say it again. Yuri was already hiding beneath the covers, as if the entire neighborhood could peer into the bedroom and scandalize her.

  “Chotto matte kudasai!” Aiko called down the stairs as she struggled to put on her underwear and a simple sundress. She patted down her hair and straightened her back before descending to the genkan, where a large shadow lurked beyond the door. That brought Aiko more pause. Deliverymen and Jehovah’s Witnesses buzzed her from outside the gate. The only ones who came straight to the door were family.

  Oh, God.

  Fully expecting to see her mother, Aiko flung open the door with a frown on her face.

  The one looking back at her was much younger than that of a seventy-year-old homophobic asshole.

  “Ah…konnichiwa!” Eri attempted to bow, but the bump on her stomach prevented her from moving too far.

  “Eri-chan?” Aiko opened the door farther, confusion sweeping her body. She knows where I live? Eri had never been to her house before. No one in the Takeuchi family, aside from Junko, had ever been there, the palace of deviancy. “What are you doing here?”

  Her niece shifted her swollen feet and leaned against the doorway. “I wanted to talk to you, Auntie Aiko. Am I interrupting something?”

  Just the very thing our family warned you away from. “No, no. Come in.” She jumped back into the house and found a pair of house slippers for Eri to use.

  They went into the living room, where Aiko popped into the kitchen to find tea and crackers. Eri slowly sank to the floor, her hands twisting restlessly atop her stomach. “I’m glad I was able to find your place. When I asked Grandmother where you lived, she seemed hesitant to tell me. So I told her you had some baby gifts you wanted to give me…but I don’t think she believed me…”

  Aiko set down a tea tray and sat opposite her niece. “Why in the world would you lie to her?” That’s a dangerous thing. Nobody knew more about lying to Junko Takeuchi than Aiko.

  Eri picked up a glass of iced tea and took a sip before responding. “There’s something I want to ask you, if I may.”

  Although her brain exploded with a million questions, Aiko did her best to remain still and to project a sense of calmness she felt nowhere inside her. “You may.”

  Silence bestowed itself upon the room. For half a minute the only sounds were the ticking clock and the soft treads of footsteps one floor above. Eri did not seem perturbed to hear Aiko’s lover sne
aking around to use the toilet. Not even when a loud flush rushed through the house pipes. When Eri spoke again, it was with a meek voice and a face pointed toward the table.

  “Are you really a lesbian, Auntie Aiko?”

  The clock continued to tick, and Yuri retreated to the bedroom. Aiko stared at her niece with one hand covering her mouth. “Has the family told you that?”

  “Not directly. I’ve always heard them since I was a little girl, though.”

  And she probably remembers obon from years ago. The one in which Junko jumped up in front of the entire family and verbally accosted Aiko and Reina about their relationship. Eri had only been in grade school then. “I’m sure it’s not something they talk about happily.”

  “So you are a lesbian?”

  Aiko shifted between legs. What could she say? To admit it was to lower her last shred of dignity in front of her niece, who was undoubtedly told over the years by both her father and her grandmother to never go to Auntie Aiko’s house. But to deny it was also facetious, and something she swore she would never do in front of family again. The only way to combat their homophobia was by showing her pride before them.

  “I hardly understand why you are asking me this.” Aiko tried to hide her flustering.

  Eri scrunched her face. “You’ve lived with another woman for a long time…”

  “And in what world does that mean anything but roommates?” Aiko was floundering. Good God. Reina! A roommate! Ha! She would surely love to know that. Although it was fashionable those days for women to dress more androgynous than before, Reina still made gaydars all over the world go off like car alarms.

  Of course, her niece saw right through her. “Shinjuku Ni-chome.”

  Silence returned. Aiko would not deny ever going there.

  “It’s okay, Auntie Aiko.” Eri stared at the table. “If you are like that, I won’t think less of you for it. In fact I would be…” She bit her lip. “Relieved.”

  Relieved? Whatever for? “That’s kind of you to say. I doubt many in our family would feel the same.”

  A nod. “I know they don’t.” Eri curled her hands around the edge of the table as if she were about to bound away with every resistant force in her body – an unlikely scenario, granting her stomach. “There’s something I want to confide to you, Auntie Aiko. It has to be you, because there is no one else in our family I can trust.”

  Aiko’s eyes widened. She’s not…

  “You see, I think I might be a lesbian too.”

  For all the words coming out of Eri’s mouth, and for all the experiences telling Aiko that there were more lesbians in the world than ever let on, she still could only stare at her niece’s bulging stomach and the hand clasped upon it. Gay? She just got married! And was pregnant! That was the antithesis of gay!

  “I know what you’re thinking. But…” Eri rubbed her stomach as if it were lucky. “My husband is the only man I’ve ever been attracted to. Before him, I never had a crush on any boys. But I really liked looking at girls, in an admirable way. Then I realized it wasn’t so much admirable as it was sexual. All I could think of was how Grandmother talks about you when she thinks the children aren’t listening. Because of your presence, I knew what a lesbian was. When I thought that maybe I was one too, I panicked. How could I tell my parents such a thing? How could I stand for having my whole family treating me like they treated you? So I hid it. I waited until I found a man I could be attracted to and attached myself to him. But…”

  “But?” Aiko’s mouth was still dry.

  Eri closed her eyes. “The other feelings never went away. And in time I realized I had to do something about it. I had to satisfy my curious desires. So I went to that one neighborhood. And I met Ruu.”

  “Ruu?”

  Another firm, decisive nod. “She is my girlfriend. Even now, even like this.”

  From upstairs came a subtle sneeze. My niece…is like my neighbor? A lesbian married to a man and having his children? “Eri-chan…do you know what you’re doing?”

  “Not at all!” Laughter snuck out of her niece’s mouth. “I was stupid enough to follow my soft heart. The next thing I knew I had this relationship with Ruu. But I couldn’t separate with my boyfriend, even though I knew I should. But how could I? What explanation could I give? That I was in love with a woman instead? I couldn’t bear what would happen. What if he told my parents? You and I would have both suffered for that.”

  Aiko refused to think about it. Indeed, had such a thing come to light, everyone would have blamed Aiko’s gay germs for infecting the oldest grandchild. If her siblings were cold to her before, they would practically disown her thereafter. Her eldest brother’s perfect life would come crashing down like a demolished building.

  “I don’t know what to do. And even though we don’t know each other that well, you’re the only one I can talk to about this.” Eri sat up straight. “I don’t blame you for thinking poorly of me. At least you had the courage to be with the woman you loved.”

  Aiko shook her head. “It wasn’t easy, sometimes. You know she and I are married, right? I doubt you’ve seen the pictures, but we got married at the end of last year.”

  Eri’s eyes bulged before she calmed herself into a wan smile. “I see. No, nobody told me that. Congratulations.”

  Waving her hand to dismiss the entire topic, Aiko slumped her shoulders. “As for your situation, I don’t know what to say. You’ve put yourself into a difficult room without a key besides divorce. And with a baby on the way…”

  “I know. I’m excited to become a mother, but…” Eri folded her arms over her stomach. “I don’t want to lie to my daughter. Or my husband, but I’ve been doing that for years now.”

  “What about this Ruu of yours?” A part of Aiko wished she knew who “Ruu” was. She couldn’t recall a woman by that name from her and Reina’s circle of partners, friends, and acquaintances in Ni-chome. Then again, it wasn’t a prerequisite for every lesbian to sign up on a mailing list there.

  “She knows. She’s the only person I’ve been upfront with since the beginning. And yet she still got involved with me knowing all of that. She says she loves me. I think I love her more than I ever could my husband. But what do I do?” Eri doubled over. “Gomen ne,” she apologized. “These hormones make me cry so easily.”

  Aiko reached her hand across the table to take her niece’s. “There are places you can go. People you can talk to who will give you much better advice than I can. And they all don’t work out of Ni-chome if you’re afraid of being seen there.” She wondered where she kept the number for Reina’s therapist.

  Eri seemed interested at first, but as Aiko went on to explain all the available services for lesbians – including the ones married to men and with children – she noticed her niece became more and more distant. I don’t blame her. It was a lot to take in. Some days Aiko wondered how she managed to keep her secrets from the world without having a meltdown. Reina isn’t so lucky. She had her gender dysphoria to prove that.

  Toward the late afternoon Eri declared she needed to get home before her husband returned from work. She thanked Aiko for listening to her and giving advice. Before she left, Aiko tried to think of one last important thing to say – but she had nothing, aside from assuring her niece that she was there to talk to about anything. They hugged before Eri slipped into her sandals and scuttled away. Wait until Reina hears about this.

  * * *

  Reina couldn’t believe her.

  “You’re kidding. Your niece. The little golden child of your entire damned family. Gay. Ha!” She kicked up the bed covers with another laugh. “That’s priceless!”

  “Mou, don’t be like that. It’s an awful situation to be in.” Aiko picked up her magazine and pretended to read it while Reina continued to snicker beside her.

  “An awful situation she put herself into!” She had no sympathy for lesbians who willingly married men, including the ones who were marrying gay men and had a sexless marriage with a primar
y partner elsewhere. They inevitably ended with the woman completely incapable of functioning without the aid of alcohol or some other addiction. Those were the saddest ones to encounter in Ni-chome.

  Aiko flipped to the back of her magazine and studied a comic. “Aren’t you going to be at least pleased that there is apparently a Takeuchi lesbian gene?”

  Reina snorted. “I’ll only believe in that if your sister ends up as gay as me too.”

  “Which one?”

  “You know which one. The only one we talk to.” Aiko’s other sister besides Saki was usually “too busy” to talk to her family outside of holidays. Reina couldn’t remember her name.

  They settled into their pre-bedtime distractions, Aiko with her magazine and Reina switching between playing games on her phone and staring at the ceiling. She wanted to have sex. Wow, that’s a given. But when she brought the subject up to Aiko after their shower, her wife told her no since she had already done it with Yuri that day. So what! Reina was capable of fucking multiple women in one day, why couldn’t Aiko? She was her spouse! Fine if Aiko had her little lover the neighbor on the side, but Reina didn’t like it when it impeded on her own personal sex life. Maybe I should ask her niece. She laughed to herself again.

  As she lay and contemplated how best to convince Aiko to make love to her, the phone buzzed to life.

  “Eh? Who is calling you at this hour?” Aiko asked.

  Reina sat up and grabbed her phone. She tapped the screen and saw a single syllable name show up in the phonetic hiragana alphabet.