Rules

by Doe, Anna B.

  Something’s wrong. Something’s really, really wrong.

  My grip on her shoulder grows tighter.

  “What happened?” I demand, my voice sounding way stronger than I actually feel.

  If somebody hurt her…

  At first, her body goes rigidly still, then out of nowhere, the trembles start, shaking her whole body as ugly, fat tears roll down her cheeks.

  The ache in my chest grows stronger as fear spreads through me. My fingers itch to clench, but I don’t want to hurt her.

  Motherfucker. If I find the person who did this to her…

  “Jeanette, tell me what happened,” I repeat slowly, evenly.

  She tries to resist me, get out of my hold so she can run away, but I don’t let go. It lasts for a few minutes, although it seems more like hours, but then she snaps and starts attacking me. Her delicate fingers form fists, and she pounds at me. My chest. My arms. My shoulders. Wherever she can get her hands.

  “It’s all your fault!” Jeanette yells, accentuating every word with a punch. Surprised by her sudden outburst, my grip loosens, but only slightly. “I thought you were different. I thought you cared. But you’re just like them. Just like everybody else. We should have always had each other’s backs, Max. You’re my twin! Instead, you betrayed me.”

  Her voice is growing louder with every word, drawing attention to us. I can feel people’s curious stares at the nape of my neck, but the only thing I can concentrate on is my sister.

  My on-the-verge-of-losing-her-mind sister.

  “What the hell are you talking about?”

  More tears fill her eyes. “You and Maddaline fucking behind my back, that’s what I’m talking about. My so-called best friend.”

  My heart stops and sinks. It feels like I’m free-falling, and there is nothing and nobody that can save me.

  “Anette…” I choke on her name.

  “Did you know she actually hates me? She’s only been hanging around your ugly, fat sister so she could get into your pants! But don’t worry; you’re not the only guy she’s been fucking. Turns out Patrick is one of her boy toys, too. I guess I’m not the only Sanders who she fucked over.”

  My hands fall off her shoulders at her hurtful words. I want to deny them—my brain, my body, my heart—they all want to deny it, but a part of me can’t help but wonder.

  Is she right? Is Jeanette telling me the truth? Have I failed her, failed me, so badly?

  “Jeanette…” I try again, reaching for her, but she takes a step back.

  “Don’t touch me.” Her arms wrap around her middle, holding herself together. “Don’t you dare touch me!”

  It hurts. Her rejection hurts. A knee to my groin would hurt less than her words, but I deserve them.

  Why did I keep it from her? Why didn’t I come clean from the beginning?

  “I’m going home,” she finally whispers.

  Jeanette is careful not to touch me as she takes a few steps around me. I hold my breath, shocked.

  How did I miss all of this? It was happening right under my nose. My sister was hurting right under my nose, broken and degraded, and what did I do? I slept with the enemy! I let her get under my skin. I believed in her. Believed her story. Believed in her lies.

  Breaking from the stillness, I turn around, ready to stop Jeanette. Go after her. Whatever the hell I need to do to make this right.

  Only she’s not walking.

  Her legs wobble, and she stumbles on her feet.

  It looks like she’s lost her balance, but Jeanette never finds her footing.

  Instead, she falls.

  I rush to catch her, her name a scream coming out of my lungs.

  A warning.

  Only she doesn’t hear it, because she’s already gone.

  My fingers wrap around her at the last moment, barely holding on to her. I lose my balance too as the weight of her body crashes on me, making us fall to the ground.

  “Anette, please…” I beg her, my trembling fingers brushing her messy hair out of her face. “Open your eyes. Please!”

  I pull her to me, my hands wrapping around her slender shoulders. I can feel her bones digging into me.

  What the…

  My hands slide over her shoulders and hands, dipping into the hollow of her narrow waist. Too narrow. Her bones stick out, and for the first time, I notice how sunken her face looks. The bags underneath her eyes. Both her hair and skin have lost their natural shine.

  “What happened to you, Jeanette?” I ask quietly, but there is no answer.

  “Max, what the hell happened, dude?”

  Some of the guys from the team gather around me. I’m not even sure who is there or who asked the question. I can’t make myself move my eyes from Jeanette because if I do, what if she disappears?

  People start to push around me. It’s suffocating. I want to scream at them to move, to give her some space to breathe, but I try to rein in my anger.

  Help.

  I need to get help so Jeanette can get better.

  “Call 9-1-1,” I rasp, my voice low and hollow just like I feel. “She fainted.”

  “On it.”

  From somewhere in the background, I can hear one of the guys call for an ambulance.

  My heart is still racing like crazy, but I do my best to calm down. I’ll be of no use to Jeanette if I don’t get my shit under control.

  “Max…” Maddy’s tentative whisper reaches me through all the commotion, and my back grows rigid. “What is happening?”

  “Is it true?” I ask, my voice deadly calm.

  “Is what true, babe?” She tries to reach for me, but I flinch back. “What’s going on?”

  “Did you do it? Is what Jeanette told me true?”

  She jerks, surprise evident on her face.

  “Max, I…”

  “Save it!” I stop her before she can utter any excuses. What she did is inexcusable. “I don’t want to hear any more of your lies.”

  “But…”

  “GO TO HELL!”

  From the corner of my eyes, I can hear her friends ushering Maddy away. Just in time for the siren of the ambulance to echo in the distance.

  My thumb swipes over Jeanette’s wet cheek. “Hold on, help is on the way.”

  * * *

  NOW

  Blinking away the memories, I try to inhale sharply, but the breath gets stuck in my throat. Burning. It feels like the walls are closing in on me and there isn’t enough space to breathe, much less think clearly.

  Gasping, I grab the car keys.

  I need to get out of here.

  Now.

  Just as I’m walking out of my room, the doorbell rings. The sound echoes through the house, making the throbbing in my forehead even more painful.

  Dammit.

  “Coming!” I rasp, taking two steps at a time. I rush down before whoever’s on the other side of that door presses the buzzer again.

  Usually, I would be less of a dick, but after the phone call with my dad, all I want is to be left the fuck alone.

  Panting slightly, I pull open the door.

  “What are you doing here?” My voice is harder than necessary when I see the person standing on the front porch, but I can’t help myself.

  She’s the last person I want to see right now.

  “I—” Brook takes a step back like I slapped her, and for a second I feel bad, but then all the irritation and anger come rolling back. She was the one who wanted to break things off only a few short days ago, and now she’s here.

  I step outside too, closing the door behind me. “If you came to talk to Jeanette, she’s asleep, barely got out of the hospital, and it would be best to let her rest.”

  Brook swallows audibly before lifting her chin just a tad in the air. “I need to talk to you.”

  Of course she does. I run my hand through my hair. And of all times, she picks now, when I can’t stand the thought of being next to her.

  Being next to anybody, really.

&nbs
p; “This really isn’t the best time.”

  I need to get out of here. And fast. Before I say something I’ll regret.

  Lifting her chin a little higher, Brook takes a step closer, her hand curling around my forearm. “Max, this is…”

  I close my eyes, gulping down air, but the only thing it does is get stuck in my throat.

  “Not now, Brook!” Forcefully, I pull my hand away, breaking out of her touch. “Another day. I really can’t deal with whatever you have to say right now.”

  “B-but…” Those wide eyes look at me like I killed her puppy. Her lower lip trembles, but she sucks it into her mouth as she takes a step back, not wanting to show me her weakness.

  Good girl, go away before I destroy you too. After all, it’s what we Sanders are best at.

  Without giving her one last look, I turn around and run to the car. I can hear her calling my name, but I don’t slow down, because if I do, I’ll regret it.

  Chapter Fifty

  BROOK

  I gasp for air as I stumble through the door of my building and up the stairs. Tears are running down my cheeks, blurring my vision completely.

  He threw me away.

  Out of all the scenarios my brain has been conjuring up the last few days, never in my wildest dreams did I think Max would turn his back on me without even listening to what I had to say. But that’s exactly what he did.

  Barely sparing me a glance, he left me standing on his front porch and never looked back.

  Am I really that undeserving? That unlovable?

  Your all, Brook… It all belongs to me.

  More tears come to my eyes, but I wipe them away furiously. So much for my all.

  For the last few days, I’ve been trying to come up with a solution for how to solve the mess Josephine got me into before telling Max the truth about the baby. And when I finally had it, the solution to getting Dan off my back, even if it meant leaving myself vulnerable, he doesn’t want me.

  Like that’s something new. Nobody wants you. Not your mother. Not your father. Not your brother. And sure as hell not Max.

  Every sentence is like a jab straight to my heart. I cover my ears, trying to dull the voice ringing in my ears, but it’s no use. Screaming silently, I pull at my hair.

  “I can’t do this anymore,” I cry out, though there’s nobody to hear it.

  I can’t keep putting myself out there. This madness has to stop. And there is only one way to do that…

  Determined, I run the rest of the way upstairs. Digging for my key, I burst into the apartment, not even bothering to turn on the lights as I go down the hallway. I grab the key to my room, my other hand wrapping around the doorknob when the door slides open.

  “What the…”

  With my heart in my throat, I reach for the light and turn the switch. My heart is beating rapidly, a sense of doom opening a pit underneath me to swallow me whole. But even the dread I’m feeling doesn’t prepare me for what’s in front of me when I blink away the sudden brightness.

  “No…” My trembling hand covers my mouth because the need to throw up is so strong, I don’t think I’ll be able to take one step before it doubles me over.

  This can’t be happening. She wouldn’t do it… She wouldn’t…

  I barely manage to grab a waste basket before I double over, emptying my stomach. The smell of puke is strong, mixing with the stale air in the room and upsetting my stomach even more than it already is.

  Who am I trying to kid? Of course she would. Josephine takes and destroys everything in her way.

  Once I’m sure I’ve emptied the contents of my stomach—not that there was much since I was too nervous to eat all day—I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand as I try to assess the mess that is my bedroom.

  I swallow hard, the taste of puke still fresh in my mouth.

  “She couldn’t have found everything,” I mutter, going straight to my hiding places. Yes, places. As in more than one. I learned my lesson pretty early in life when it came to my mother. Stealing wasn’t beneath her, and if I stashed all the money I have in one place and she managed to find it…

  And we’re not talking about a mere couple of hundreds of bucks here. This money was supposed to be my way out. It was the money I was willing to give to Dan to get him off my back before cutting my ties with Josephine and giving this baby and myself a new chance at life. A new beginning. It was the money that was supposed to keep my friends, Max, safe.

  And now it’s all gone.

  “This can’t be happening,” I mutter those words over and over as I dig around the room.

  The hidden compartment in one of the drawers in my desk? Empty. Loose floorboard underneath my bed? Empty. The hole I made in the mattress? Empty.

  It’s all fucking empty.

  “Ughhh…” I throw what little is left of the mattress away in a fit of rage. “She took it. All the money I had, all the years of saving. All gone.”

  I turn around the room, my fingers digging into my scalp, the tears that have been falling just recently now a dried mess on my face.

  Maybe she took it to pay off Dan. Maybe it wasn’t…

  I can hear the key turn in the front door. Swearing, I run to the hallway just as the door opens and Josephine wobbles inside, turning on the light.

  “What the hell did you do?!” I yell, pointing my trembling finger at her. I’m so angry, I could strangle her with my bare hands. “Tell me this is some crazy break in and you didn’t have anything to do with it…”

  “Brookie.” She giggles, actually giggles, her hands reaching for me like she’s about to hug me. I take a step away, getting out of her reach. Her dark eyes are glassy, pupils dilated.

  My heart starts to sink before she even opens her mouth. Because I know. Deep down inside, I knew before she even got home, but I wanted to hold on to what little was left of my love for her.

  Pathetic.

  “Tell me you didn’t do it!” I yell. “Tell me!”

  All the dreams, all the hope I was harboring of a new life… I can see it scatter away like pieces of broken glass dispersed by the wind. Gone.

  My knees give out on me, and I tumble to the ground right in front of the woman who gave birth to me.

  My rise and my fall.

  Josephine’s soft footsteps move closer. “I needed the money.”

  “What did you do with it?” My question is a barely audible whisper. Deflated and broken, there is no strength left in me to fight. “Did you give it to Dan?”

  If all is lost, I’ll at least have the comfort of knowing I’m safe, my friends are safe…

  “Not exactly…”

  A lump forms into a stone, and it falls to the pit of my stomach.

  “You spent it all on drugs, didn’t you?” I ask, frantic laughter breaking out of me. At first, it's slow, but then it starts building until I can’t contain it anymore. Loud, almost hysterical. “You spent it all on your next fix, not even stopping to think of paying the debt you owe. The debt that will end with both of our bodies thrown in some ditch! For fuck’s sake, Josephine!”

  I stand up on my wobbly legs, shoving her away when she tries to reach for me. If she touches me, I’m done. I’ll break, and what little sanity I have left will be gone. I can’t break. Not yet.

  Something falls on the floor, my eyes zeroing on it. A baggie of white powder.

  “You’ll never change, will you?” I scream, squatting down to reach it. “You’ll always be a selfish bitch who acts before she thinks, and when she does think, it’s always you, you and more you!”

  Running my free hand through my wild, loose hair, I push it out of my face. I look at the apartment that I’ve lived in for as long as I can remember. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t live like this. If I stay here, there will be nothing except darkness and despair. And I’m done. Done with listening to Josephine bitching. Done with cleaning the mess she makes. The mess she pulls me into whether I want it or not.

  Doing a full circle, I fac
e my mother again. She was half a woman my whole life, but now she is nothing. Skin, bones, and narcotics running through her system. For a long time, a part of me—as little as it might be—wanted to believe there was hope, but now I see how wrong I was. There is no saving Josephine Taylor, and I am done trying.

  My eyes fall down, looking at the bag in my hands. “I’m done.”

  She must hear something in my voice, a resolution maybe, because her eyes grow wide. “Brook…”

  Turning on my heels, I go straight to the bathroom.

  “Brook!” Josephine yells after me, but I’m faster. As soon as I’m in the small, crumpled space, I tear into the bag, watching the white dust fall in the toilet. “NO!”

  Her boney hands push me away, making me stumble on my feet, my face crashing into the cabinet. Pain spreads through my cheekbone, but it’s nothing compared to the emotional anguish that’s swirling inside of me.

  “No, no, no!” she chants, trying, actually trying, to grab the powder out of the toilet, not even sparing me a glance.

  I flush the toilet, watching despair grow on her face. “It’s all gone now, and there is no getting it back.”

  Just like me.

  Turning on the balls of my feet, I go back to the mess that is my room. Grabbing an old duffle bag, I snatch up everything my hand touches without giving it a proper look and shove it inside until the bag is full. Then I do the same with my backpack. I have no idea what I put inside; nor do I have it in me to care.

  Ready, I take both bags in my hand and, without looking back, leave the room.

  I don’t see Josephine, but judging by the sound of throwing up, I’d say she’s still in the bathroom.

  Not wanting to have another go at it, I grip my bags tighter and walk away. When the door closes behind me, it somehow feels final.

  I should have done this ages ago, but I was more scared of what’s waiting for me outside than of the monster I was living with inside these walls. But now I didn’t have a choice, because want it or not, I’m not alone.

  Want it or not, my baby needs me. And I have to do right by him because I’m the only one he has.