Rules

by Doe, Anna B.

  * * *

  “Brook! What happened?” Lia’s eyes grow wide when she sees me standing on her front porch. My phone died, so even if I wanted to call her, which, let’s face it, was out of the question, I couldn’t.

  I wish I could have just disappeared, but without money, that wasn’t an option either. That’s the reason I’m here in the first place. While I hid most of the money at my own place—little good that did me—there was a little stash of it here too. Not much, but enough to get me going until I figure out what the hell to do next. Where to go.

  “I left something at your house,” I say, entering inside. I leave my duffle and backpack by the door and start climbing the stairs two at the time.

  I probably look like a lunatic, but I don’t have time to waste. I have to get out of here—out of this house, out of this goddamn town—as soon as possible.

  “What is going on, Brook?” Lia asks, rushing behind me.

  The door to her room is open, but Lola is nowhere to be seen. I guess she must be outside because otherwise, she’d already be here, barking my ear off.

  The room is impeccably tidy, as always. So many memories hiding behind these four walls that were my home more than my actual house ever was. It’ll be weird never stepping foot inside again. Nostalgia hits me hard, but I push it away.

  Going straight for the closet, I remove all the sweaters and jeans that are stacked on the last shelf so I can pull out the hidden compartment.

  When we were younger, this was our hiding place, but through the years we stopped using it. Well, Lia did. But I decided to hide something of my own.

  “What’s with the cash?” Lia gasps in surprise from somewhere behind me. “Please tell me you didn’t steal it from somebody and hide it in my house.”

  I know her comment is innocent, and she doesn’t mean it like that, but I can’t help but feel a pang of hurt. “It’s legit. I worked my ass off to earn and save as much as possible the last few years.”

  “Why hide it then? Here of all places? And what happened to your face?”

  Putting everything back where it was, I get to my feet and stuff the money into my back pocket, and only then do I lift my gaze to look at her. “Because I knew I’d find it here when I needed it.”

  Lia nibbles at her lip, coming closer. “What is going on, Brook?”

  I tilt my head back, trying to blink away the burning sensation in my eyes. I can’t cry, not again. “I have to go.”

  “Go where?” I can hear the panic in her voice, but I don’t have it in me to soothe her worries. When I don’t answer her fast enough, Lia cups my cheek, forcing me to look at her. Her touch is light, but I can’t help the soft hiss of pain from escaping. “Go where, Brook? You can’t leave!”

  “You don’t get it, Lia!” I protest, trying to get out of her hold, but she doesn’t let me.

  “Then help me understand!” she yells at me. I don’t think I’ve ever heard her yell at me before. “Dammit, Brook! I can’t be there for you if you don’t let me!”

  “That’s the point, Lia. You’ll never understand!” I cry out.

  “Don’t say it like that…” Now she’s crying too. Cupping her cheeks, I bring our foreheads together. I don’t want to hurt her. She’s like a sister to me, but if I don’t push her away, I know she’ll never let go. I need her to let go.

  “You have a perfect life, Lia. You have a family who loves you. You have Derek, who’s crazy about you. Jeanette, Andrew, Max… They’re drawn to your light. You'll go off to college with Derek, and you’ll get your perfect happily ever after. I know it.”

  “You’re my family too, Brook.” She hiccups softly, tears streaming down her cheeks. “Jeanette, Andrew, Max, they’re…”

  “They’re nothing…” I bring us closer for a split second before I push away. “How can you not see it, Lia?” I ask, pushing my hair out of my face. Some strands are so wet with tears they stick to my cheeks. “How can you not see it’s killing me? This last year, I watched you bloom, while inside I was slowly dying.”

  “B-Brook…”

  “I watched you fall in love. I watched you open your heart to people and form friends. Friends who belong in your world. I watched people fall in love with you.”

  “Why didn’t you say anything?”

  “Because I didn’t want to break your heart.”

  “Then why now?” Her confusion, her desperation, her pain are killing me. But I know this is the only way. “Why bring it all up now?”

  Because I don’t have another choice. But I don’t say that out loud. “Because you’ve broken mine.”

  Her mouth falls open as she takes a step back, her hands curling around her middle.

  “Wanna know how?” I ask, brushing the tears off my cheeks. I look her straight in the eyes. “I saw him first, you know…” My little dirty secret. “I saw him first, but then he saved you, and it was like I never existed.”

  * * *

  BEFORE - AUGUST, SENIOR YEAR

  Only one more year. I chant those words over and over again as I pump my legs harder, making the swing go higher in the air. With closed eyes, I let the warm air touch my skin as my hair sways behind me. Only one more year of this hell and then I’ll be free. I just have to survive this.

  The sound of an engine revving has my eyes popping open. I turn my head to the side, looking for the source of all that noise. This park was my sanctuary, my hiding place when I needed some peace and quiet away from everybody. On the edge of my hometown, it was abandoned ages ago, the only thing that can still function is the set of swings I'm currently at.

  I frown as I look at the sleek, black bike start to slow down until he pulls to a stop. The rider, dressed in equally black attire, takes off his helmet and looks around.

  My heart begins to speed up, but I push back my nerves.

  He still hasn’t seen me, so I take a moment to take him in. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him, but then again, I’m not known to pay much attention to people in general. He’s tall, over six feet for sure. And even the leather jacket he wears can’t hide how broad his shoulders are. His midnight hair is mussed from wearing the helmet, giving him kind of a rakish look.

  I feel my palms grow sweaty, so I grip the chains of the swing tighter. I don’t know what it is about this guy, but I can’t seem to avert my gaze.

  His jaw is square, covered in light stubble, and his eyes… dammit. His light eyes—blue or gray, I’m not sure—are now staring right back at me. I blink a few times, startled by how intense they are.

  A smug smile curls his lips, and I can see those light irises twinkle in amusement. “Like what you see?”

  Just like his looks, his voice is also sexy as hell. Deep, with just enough roughness to make the fine hair on my arms rise.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I say, purposely looking away.

  His soft chuckle fills the space. “Now, I didn’t take you for a scaredy-cat.”

  Turning around to look at him, I gasp softly when I find him standing in front of me, with barely enough distance so that I don’t smack him with my legs as the swing goes forward. Up close, he’s even more handsome than from a distance, with high cheekbones, a straight nose, and the thickest pair of dark eyelashes surrounding those gray irises.

  “You don’t know anything about me.”

  Again, there is that damn twinkle.

  He takes the swing next to me, his feet pushing against the ground. “Maybe, but that doesn’t mean I can’t find out.”

  I puff my cheeks, irritated with his assumption. How dare he come to my park and interrupt my quiet with his noisy questions. “You should leave,” I grit, stopping the swing so I can glare at him without interruption. “This is my park.”

  He looks around for a bit, and then his gaze settles on me once again. Those intense eyes seem to see into my soul. “I don’t see any sign saying that.”

  “Ugh, you’re infuriating!” I glare at him, but he seems to find it amusing.
Not wanting to wait for anymore of his smart-mouth comments, I get up, but his hand darts out, stopping me from leaving.

  I look down at him, at his hand covering mine, his rough palm warming my chilly fingers and spreading tingles through my hand and into my whole body.

  “The feeling is mutual, little Firecracker.” His soft whisper breaks me out of the haze.

  Pulling my hand out of his, like his touch burned me, I turn around on the heels of my feet and stalk away, not once looking back.

  * * *

  NOW

  I blink, pushing the memories away. I was right that day. He might have been the most handsome guy I’d ever seen in my life, and I might have felt the pull between us, but I knew better than to open my heart. If only my heart had listened.

  “Max isn’t in love with me…” She shakes her head, red locks bouncing on her shoulders. “He would have said something… he’d…”

  I close my eyes, letting one more tear slip down. “He just wants you to be happy.”

  I want you to be happy too, even if I’m not there to see it.

  “We were both fooling ourselves, Lia.” Moving closer, I brush her tears away. “I don’t belong in your perfect little world. The only thing I can bring you is darkness and pain.”

  Letting my hand fall, I start walking backward. Her lip wobbles as she watches me leave.

  “We can work this out,” she pleads one last time.

  “It’s too late now.” I take her in, that vibrant hair and those doe-like eyes filled with so much sadness. I hate myself for doing this to her, but not as much as I would hate myself if something happened to her. “Goodbye.”

  Chapter Fifty-One

  BROOK

  The house is silent as I run downstairs, but I still give my best to stay as quiet as possible as I grab my things and get the hell out. I walk rapidly down the empty street of Lia’s neighborhood. The snow is falling slowly but steadily, and I pull the hood of my jacket over my head. Part of it is to keep from getting wet, but the other part is simply to hide.

  I sniffle softly as the cold air hits my face. No matter how much I wipe the tears, I can still feel the wetness on my cheeks. I can only imagine how I look with big, puffy eyes and a red nose. Thankfully I’m not wearing any make-up, because if I was, I’d have black waterfalls running down my cheeks by now.

  With no destination in mind, I wander around. At some point, I know I’ll have to sit down and figure out my shit, but I’m not ready for that. Not just yet.

  I hated hurting Lia like that. Hated pushing my fears and insecurities in her face and blaming her for them, but there was no other way. If she thought there was something that could salvage our friendship, I knew she’d do it. She’d do anything to find me, and I couldn’t have her looking for me.

  Once I leave Greyford, there is no coming back.

  I stop and pull out the wad of cash from my pocket, along with the ID. A fake ID I got a few years back, just in case.

  Once I leave Greyford, Brook Taylor will be wiped from existence.

  “Brook?” A tentative voice startles me. I push the money and ID back into my pocket before I turn around and come face to face with Mrs. Brown. She’s in full winter gear: puffy jacket, knit cap and scarf around her neck. “What are you doing here?”

  I look around, not even knowing where I am or how long I’ve been here. My hands are ice cold, fingers stiff. I just needed to walk to clear my head, so I say that, but the suspicious look she gives me makes me want to run away and hide.

  “With your duffle bag?” One of her brows rises in question.

  There is no shitting Mrs. Brown—she’ll call you on it every time—so I settle for a shrug.

  Sighing, I look at the teacher who’s been there for me these last four years in more ways than I can count. “I’m leaving.”

  I expect her to protest, even try and stop me, but the only thing she does is take me in, considering my words carefully. “Any destination in mind?”

  “You’re not going to try and stop me?” I’m sure my mouth is hanging open in surprise.

  “I thought you’d already decided,” she challenges.

  “I did.”

  It’s not like I have a choice. I don’t have the money to pay off Dan, and I know he’ll come for me after he’s done with Josephine. And while I could go to John Hill and ask him for money, that is just a temporary patch to a much bigger wound. Because Josephine will continue her ways and put us in even bigger debt than she did this time around and I can’t live like that. Not knowing when somebody will come knocking on my door demanding money I most definitely won’t have. Putting myself and…

  No. I shake my head. I most definitely can’t live like that.

  “Then it won’t matter one way or another,” Mrs. Brown says, breaking me out of my thoughts. “Come on. You’re freezing.”

  She tilts her head to the side and starts walking, but she must know I’m not following because after a few steps, she stops and looks over her shoulder. “Hurry up, will ya? You don’t want me to freeze these old bones more than they already are.”

  Like that’s a completely normal explanation, she starts walking again, and this time I do follow after her. I’m not sure why exactly, except that even though I’m leaving soon, I don’t want to get on her bad side. Plus, it’s not like I have anywhere to be, or somebody waiting for me anyway.

  * * *

  The warm heat blasts in my face as soon as we enter Mrs. Brown’s cozy little house. She took off her boots and coat quickly, going to the back of the house without giving me a second glance.

  Not sure what to do, I follow suit. Out of my jacket, I rub my tingling palms together and bring them to my mouth, hoping my warm breath will help melt the cold that settled deep in my bones.

  “How about some tea?” I follow the sound of Mrs. Brown’s voice to find her in the kitchen. A bag of groceries is left on the table, and she already sets up one of those old-fashioned kettles on the stove.

  “I could use something hot to warm up.” I give in, still looming in the doorway.

  It’s like I’ve walked through time and ended up back in the eighties. Dark brown cabinets with yellow countertops. A big island in the middle of the room with cherry red barstools neatly tucked beneath.

  “Sit,” she offers, unpacking the contents of her bag. “This will be done soon, and then we can warm up with the tea.”

  Figuring there’s nothing else to do anyway, I do as I’m told.

  Quiet settles over us as Mrs. Brown unpacks her groceries and swiftly puts them away just in time for the kettle to boil.

  I watch her prepare the tea with slow, deliberate movements, the silence making me jittery. My leg bounces nervously underneath the table.

  “I thought you’d have questions by now,” I say, unable to take it a second longer.

  Why am I really here? I should have never agreed to come.

  Mrs. Brown sits down on the opposite side of me, setting both of our cups on the table. “Are you going to give me the answers if I ask the questions?”

  Ugh, this woman is infuriating, but she knows me better than I give her credit for.

  “Probably not,” I reply honestly, wrapping my fingers around the cup and pulling it closer to my face. “Why did you ask me to come then?”

  “You looked like you could use some help.”

  I crook my head to the side. “Offering a place to stay to all of your students, Mrs. Brown?”

  “Only the ones in need.”

  I give her a look, calling her on her bullshit, but she simply shrugs. “Just because this is the first time something like this has happened doesn’t mean I wouldn’t do it for another one of my students. Now are you done, or are we going to keep playing this cat-and-mouse game?”

  Sucking my lower lip, I let her words settle in. Opening up to other people, letting them in, that was as foreign to me as Chinese. Most of the time, I feel like something is wrong with me, that a part of me, an essential part, w
as gone and I’d never get it back. Courtesy of my dear mother and my upbringing.

  “It’s not like saying it out loud will change anything.”

  “But sharing your burdens with other people will help you gain perspective.” Moving her cup out of the way, her hands reach for mine across the wooden surface. “You have to learn how to let people in before all this darkness you carry swallows you whole.”

  If there is anything left to swallow.

  I look at our clasped hands.

  Lia is my best friend—was my best friend since by now she probably hates me—and I never found it in me to tell her what happened. I never told her how bad things got in my house, never confessed what has happened to me, never told her my real feelings…

  She’s not Lia.

  Lifting my gaze, I meet Mrs. Brown’s patient eyes. There is knowledge of life hidden in the wrinkles adorning her face.

  But the bottom line is: is there anything left to lose? All that I had was either taken away from me, or I had to give it up in order to save it. Nothing she says or does can change who I am.

  “Short version?” I barely notice her subtle nod before continuing. “My mother is a drug addict and alcoholic who is out of control. She owes money. A lot of money to some really dangerous people who know how to get to me if she doesn’t pay up. And to top it all off, I just found out I’m pregnant. Carrying the child of a guy who doesn’t want anything to do with me, didn’t even want to listen to me when I went to tell him, and for all his words, I’m sure he’s in love with my best friend.” I meet her with a hard stare. “So tell me, Teach, what’s your perspective on that?”

  My heart thumps in my chest while I wait for her to say something. No, not something. I wait for her judgment and disbelief.

  No matter how hard I try to reassure myself that it doesn’t matter what people think of me, it’s all bullshit. Everyone cares what people think. Me included. We all want to be perceived as worthy. Worthy of trust, worthy of love, worthy of the life that’s been given to us. And for all my bravado, I’m no different than the rest of them.