Family Affairs

by Jen Calonita

  Sky stops crying. “You think so?” She wipes her face and I notice her expression change.

  Tom laughs. “I know so. You girls have the world at your feet right now. And Melli and I finally have the freedom to do what we want. This is a good thing, girls. You’ll thank us someday.”

  “I can’t think of someday,” I say quietly. “All I can think about is now and how this is almost over.”

  He smiles. “Well, someday soon you’ll think about what you want to do next,” Tom says. “Pilot season is coming up. Maybe you’ll want to do another TV show. Or concentrate on films,” he says. “Wait and see how you feel after the official announcement is made in a few weeks.”

  “Please don’t tell anyone till then,” Melli says.

  “Your family, your agent, your manager, your friends, Matty,” Tom adds. “Nobody. I’ll tell the rest of the cast and crew beforehand, but for now, you three are the only ones who know. We don’t want this getting out to the press before we’re ready. We want FA to go out looking like the fine show it is. No more bad publicity.”

  My legs feel like they’re ready to collapse. My head is spinning and my mouth is dry. “I guess congratulations are in order,” I say shakily, and then I grab Melli, never wanting to let go.

  “We’re sorry you two have been having such a rough season,” Melli says as she hugs me. “But I can promise you the last half of this one will be a picnic.”

  “Alexis will film her final episode in a quickly wrapped up storyline next week,” Tom tells us. “And then we can get to the fun stuff. The studio wants to do it all.”

  HOLLYWOOD SECRET NUMBER SIXTEEN: I guess I can take heart in the fact that a beloved TV show never really ends. Networks love to milk every last drop out of hot commodities. We have retrospective programs to plan, last goodbye videos to tape, favorite cast episodes to run. There will be last-season Emmy nods, possible spin-offs with popular characters (even though those shows usually bomb), and rumors about reunion specials. I won’t be saying goodbye to these people for a long time to come.

  “I’ll help you, Tom,” Sky says. “I’ve always thought the episode where Sara gets hit by a drunk driver should have won an Emmy. That should be rerun for sure. I want the executives to think of me as a versatile actress who could headline any series. Anything but one with twins. I deserve my own series. No offense, K.”

  I stop myself from rolling my eyes. I sense the old Sky returning.

  “I’ll keep that in mind,” Tom says. “What about you, Kates? How do you want to be remembered?”

  “Can I get back to you on that?” I ask as I head to the door. I think I need to go back to my dressing room and be alone for a while. “I have a lot to think about.”

  MONDAY, 11/11

  NOTE TO SELF:

  Figure out what to do with the rest of my life.

  FA2011 “Colby Says Goodbye” (CONTINUED)

  15 EXT. SUMMERVILLE BUS DEPOT— INT. SAM’S VOLKSWAGEN CABRIOLET CONVERTIBLE

  COLBY

  You didn’t have to drive me here, you know.

  SAM

  I know I didn’t. I wanted to.

  COLBY

  Even after all I’ve done to you? To your family?

  SAM

  (smiles) I’m trying to be the bigger person here. (Sam pulls a wad of fifties out of her wallet). Here. This should be enough to get you started wherever you go.

  COLBY

  You’re crazy, you know that? Why are you so desperate to fix me?

  SAM

  Because even if you aren’t my sister, for a short time you were my friend. And I know, despite how you tried to play my family, how you tampered with our blood work and everything you put my mother through with the maternity tests, the bottom line is you saved her life. Don’t you think that’s worth paying your bus fare?

  COLBY

  (opens the car door and slings her tattered green army bag over her shoulder) For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.

  SAM

  (grabs Colby) Wait. Before you go, please just tell me. What made you do it?

  COLBY

  You. Your sister. Your family. I thought, There is a family that has it all. I wanted to be part of that. To feel that loved for just a fraction of a second. I didn’t think about what that would cost everyone else.

  BUS DEPOT LOUD SPEAKER

  Final boarding call for bus 1104 to Las Vegas. This is the last call.

  COLBY

  Well, that’s me. I better go.

  SAM

  (lets go of Colby’s arm) Yeah, you’d better go.

  Sam steps out of her idling convertible and watches Colby walk away. As Colby hands the bus driver her bag and steps onto the bus, she takes a last look back at Sam. Sam waves as the doors close. The CAMERA PANS IN on Colby’s face as the bus pulls away. We hear tires screeching and the sound of feet running across the concrete pavement.

  SARA

  I knew I’d find you here! What are you doing?

  SAM

  Saying goodbye.

  SARA

  To her? Sammie, after all she’s done to us?

  SAM

  I know. I know. You don’t have to remind me.

  SARA

  She’s just lucky I wasn’t here to tell her what I really think of her!

  SAM

  Everyone at this bus station is lucky they didn’t have to hear that.

  SARA

  Ha-ha. Hey, how’d you find this filthy place? I didn’t even know Summerville had a bus station.

  SAM

  Sara! Of course we have a bus station. Colby came into town this way and wanted to go out the same way.

  SARA

  Did she say anything to you? I mean, did she say why she made our lives a living hell these past few months?

  SAM

  She said she wanted a family. Our family.

  SARA I guess you can’t blame her for that one. The Buchanans do rock.

  SAM

  (smiles) Rock? The Buchanans rock? Who are you?

  SARA

  According to Summerville Hospital’s finest, I’m your twin, darling.

  SAM

  I guess I’m stuck with you then.

  SARA

  I guess so. Let’s get out of here and go home.

  SAM

  Home sounds really great right now.

  Sam and Sara link arms and the CAMERA FADES OUT as the two walk to their cars. CUE MUSIC.

  Seventeen: The Last Supper

  This has never happened to me before. I’m out to dinner at Wolfgang Puck’s Cut, a swanky steakhouse in the Beverly Wilshire hotel, and the Burke brigade — Laney, Mom, Dad, Matty, and Nadine, in case anyone forgot who they are — have zilch to say.

  Not a single snide comment about a famous actress sitting at the next table who looks like she put on a few pounds, no critiques of my outfit (a green fitted corduroy blazer over a cream-colored sweater with Seven jeans and brown suede Pumas), and not a single thought on what my next career move should be.

  That’s because an hour into our “Ding-dong, Colby’s Dead, Thanks to Matt” lunch celebration (which Laney, Mom, and I gleefully organized), the studio released an exclusive statement to People online that sent my team into a tailspin: Family Affair will end its run in May. Of course I already knew. I had been dreading the release for weeks. I had no clue how to break the news to Mom and Dad or Matty or Laney, especially when we’re in the middle of toasting Matty’s bravado. Sigh. Sometimes it’s really hard being the only one in on a big secret.

  As soon as the People online link (titled “The Affair Is Of-ficially Over”) was sent to my Sidekick by Tom, I knew I had three minutes to tell everyone myself before they heard the news via cell phone, BlackBerry, or pager. I shut off my Sidekick and mobile so that I wouldn’t be interrupted and delicately broke the news.

  “Guys, it’s going to be okay,” I say for the umpteenth time. They haven’t said a single word in, like, ten minutes.

  “That’s easy for
you to say,” Matt complains, stirring his Coke with a long straw. “Your career is set. You’ve been on that show practically since birth!” His arms are waving in a crisp white Polo that really brings out his tan. “I’ve only been on for half a season. No one will remember me when it comes time to film the show retrospective.”

  “I just can’t believe you’ve known for weeks and didn’t tell us.” Mom looks hurt. “Or at least tell your own mother.” She stares at the restaurant’s pristine high white ceiling (this place was designed by Getty Center architect Richard Meier) and fights back tears.

  “Mom, Tom and Melli told me I couldn’t tell anyone before the announcement,” I try. “I didn’t have a choice.” She doesn’t look at me. “We still have reason to celebrate,” I remind her. “Alexis is off the show and we still have half a season to shoot.” I turn to my brother, hunched in his chair and looking glum. “And Matty, Tom told me your character is in all of the remaining episodes.” He perks up. “Tom says we’re going to go out with a bang. People are going to remember Family Affair for a long time.”

  “And there’s always the DVD sales,” Dad points out. “Katie -Kat will make a killing when they release the final season on DVD. We should suggest to Tom that they also do a final episode DVD and a top-of-the-line box set of all fifteen seasons. The more DVDs, the more cash in our — I mean Kate-Kate’s — pockets.”

  “I would see some dough, wouldn’t I, Dad?” Matty looks up. “I am on the final season.” He pauses. “Can we get dessert after this?”

  “How can you think about food?” Mom groans.

  Cut’s menu has great high-priced food to drown your sorrows in, including tasty Kobe-style beef, lobster-and-crab Louis cocktail, and rare Wagyu beef. I ordered the grilled Sonoma lamb chops.

  “Well, I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m really proud of how you’re handling this, Kates.” Nadine is beaming. “No tears, no freak-outs. You’re acting very grown-up.”

  “Thanks.” I blush. “I’ve been thinking things over and trying to concentrate on my future.” Okay, that’s a lie. I’m in total denial. That’s the only reason I haven’t flipped out yet.

  “Yes, the future,” Laney repeats, staring into the other dining room that leads to the brick-lined patio. “Let’s talk about your next move so I can release a statement.”

  Mom perks up. “We should call Seth and set up a meeting to take a look at prospective offers,” Mom says, more to Laney than me. “I’m sure they’ll be pouring in this afternoon.

  Movies, TV shows, she’ll have a lot to pick from.”

  Whoa. She’s moving too fast.

  Laney pulls out her BlackBerry and begins typing herself a note. “We can say Kaitlin is mulling over offers and will announce her next project soon. What do you think about another TV show?” she asks my mom.

  Wait! I can’t decide right now. “Well, I was thinking . . .” I start to say, but Mom interrupts, so I turn to the waiter and ask for a soda refill.

  “No,” Mom says, shaking her head so that her honey-colored hair flaps in her face. “How many stars transition from one hit TV show to the next?”

  “Frasier,” Dad says. “That was a spin-off of Cheers.”

  “Joey,” Nadine groans. “Even the popularity of Friends couldn’t launch that show.”

  “Good point,” Laney observes. “Movies it is. Should we go for action? A big-name director again and huge stars? Or maybe the independent route? Get Kaitlin involved in the festival circuit for a while. Beef up her art appeal?”

  I feel around in my leopard-print Louis Vuitton satchel for my Sidekick and turn it on to see if Austin’s around. The gadget buzzes to life and I see I already have sixty-three messages. Yikes. Word travels fast in this town. I scan the list and see WOOKIESRULE. Austin. I open it up and quickly reply. He gets back to me right away, allowing me to tune out the ongoing discussion about my career taking place without me.

  WOOKIESRULE: Hey. How R U holding up? Liz just got the news from her dad.

  PRINCESSLEIA25: OK. Sorry U didn’t hear it from me first. I was sworn 2 secrecy. That was rough. W/ Laney & Mom now. They’re not taking it so well.

  WOOKIESRULE: Shocker. :)

  WOOKIESRULE: They’ll get used 2 it. You will 2. Maybe it’s the change U need 2 shake things up, U know?

  PRINCESSLEIA25: U R right.

  WOOKIESRULE: Remember: change w/ work. Change w/ school. Not w/ boyfriend.

  PRINCESSLEIA25: Never! :)

  WOOKIESRULE: I think U need cheering up anyway. Let’s celebrate UR b-day. Plz?

  PRINCESSLEIA25: NO! No b-day plans! U promised!

  WOOKIESRULE: I said I’d think about it. I’ve got 2 do something! Especially now. U need a party.

  PRINCESSLEIA25: No parties!

  WOOKIESRULE: How many people do U consider a party? :)

  PRINCESSLEIA25: Noooooooooo parties!

  WOOKIESRULE: Under 25 OK?

  PRINCESSLEIA25: Aargh! If U want 2 do something, make it small. U, me, and a slice of pizza, OK?

  WOOKIESRULE: Hmm . . . good idea. Got 2 go. Mr. Hammond is staring. Hang in there. Chin up & remember: don’t let them decide UR next move w/o U!

  Good point.

  “I think that’s a great plan, don’t you, Kaitlin?” Mom is asking.

  I slide my Sidekick off my lap into my purse. Nadine gives me a look. “Hmm?”

  “Peter Jackhom,” Mom says in exasperation.

  I’m confused. “Oh, he’s great. Ring Keeper had a real Star Wars vibe to it with all the good versus evil mumbo jumbo. Why?”

  “He’s contemplating a new trilogy that will film in New Zealand,” Laney says.

  “He’s shooting the films back-to-back so the whole thing will take roughly eighteen months,” Nadine adds with a “they’re nuts” look.

  “EIGHTEEN MONTHS?” I shriek, startling our waiter as he brings me my lunch. I have a habit of doing that. No Austin for eighteen months? Eighteen months abroad? I want a change, but not one this big. “I think that’s more time away than I can handle,” I say.

  Mom sighs and stares at the see-through view of Cut’s kitchen. “Laney, what else do you have?”

  Laney reads from her BlackBerry. “Seth says he has a new script with Clooney that will film in Romania. Sounds delish. And a musical with Angelina that shoots in L.A. next summer. He’s also got a new script from Quentin that has hit written all over it. Pretty gory though. Do we want Kaitlin to do a horror film?”

  “Hmm, I’m not sure,” Dad says to Mom. “I think that would be a step backward. Most girls do horror to get noticed and Kaitlin is already noticed.”

  “I don’t want to do horror,” I say, but no one listens.

  “It could give her visibility in an area she’s never been seen in before,” Mom argues. “It could throw the public for a real loop and open a bunch of new doors.”

  “So would working with Neil LaBute, but I’m not sure we want her getting naked for her next role,” Laney argues.

  “A musical sounds like a good idea. Could we find something like Hairspray?” Matty asks. “They could cast me at the same time. I’ve heard Kaitlin sing in the shower. She’s not that bad.”

  “She was pretty good that day at karaoke,” Laney agrees. “I’m sure if we got her a voice coach and started working with her right away she would be ready if they ever decide to turn Wicked into a movie.”

  I can’t say it’s a bad idea, now that I’m over my fear of singing in public, but still. I feel my head begin to spin. This is déjà vu all over again. I feel faint. They’re going too fast for me. FA’s demise was only announced min utes ago!

  “Wicked is all about vocals,” Nadine counters. “I don’t know if Kaitlin could pull off Galinda. Maybe we should think of something else.”

  “I don’t want to do a . . .” I start.

  “Maybe you’re right.” Mom drowns me out. “What did you say Neil LaBute is doing next?”

  I think I’m going to explode. They’re g
oing to pick my next move without asking me if I don’t stop them. I need time to think. I want to tackle things one at a time, just like

  Austin said, so that I don’t make any more mistakes.

  “But the nudity!” Laney is saying.

  I am so not doing a nude scene. “Guys?” I say.

  Mom shrugs. “That never hurt Scarlett Johansson. If it’s done tastefully, I wouldn’t be opposed.”

  “Ewww,” Matty says. “I don’t want to see my sister naked!”

  “Guys?” I try again.

  “I’m not sure I would want to sit through that either.” Dad frowns. “I think we should go back to discussing another TV show. Fine-tuning an engine never hurt anyone. Maybe all Kaitlin needs is a TV show with more grease. You know what I’m saying?”