The Light to My Darkness

by Ivy Smoak

  I plopped a strawberry in my mouth. Screw bananas. Strawberries were now my favorite thing. I closed my eyes to relish the taste on my tongue.

  ***

  "Baby," James whispered. "It's time to get going."

  His scent was the only thing my mind seemed to register. I slowly opened my eyes and saw his smiling face. "But we only just got here."

  He leaned forward and tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear. "You fell asleep."

  "No I didn't. I just closed my eyes for a second..." my voice trailed off as I looked around the almost empty room. "Oh, I missed everything. The toasts. I was going to take pictures. How could you let me sleep through the whole thing?" The real question was how could I have slept through the whole thing. What was I, eighty years old?

  "The photographer handled the pictures. And you've heard plenty of Mr. Caldwell's toasts. The real fun is tomorrow night anyway."

  I sighed. "I guess. God, I can't believe you let me miss it though." I swatted his arm.

  "I think you needed your rest. Especially since you're going to be staying up all night."

  "Isn't that the truth," Jen said, butting into our conversation. She practically pushed James out of her way. "Time to go, sis."

  "Give us a minute, Jen," James said without looking at her.

  "You have exactly one minute. We're all waiting by the door, Penny."

  "I'll be right there," I said.

  James put his arm behind me on the chair. "I'm sure I can get us out of the shenanigans tonight if you want."

  "I already missed the bachelorette party. And the rehearsal dinner. I can't miss tonight."

  He frowned. "Until tomorrow then."

  "Don't look so glum." I ran my fingers along the side of his jaw. "It'll just make our reunion that much better."

  "I know, I'm just going to miss my girls." He put his hand on my stomach and leaned in to kiss me.

  I didn't even care that he was back to his old ways of wishing for a girl. I was much too focused on his lips. And the fact that I really wanted to give in to spending the night with him instead.

  He groaned into my mouth. "Don't kiss me like that when you have no intention of sealing the deal."

  I laughed. "I love you."

  "I love you too, Penny. Call me if you need anything tonight."

  Chapter 21

  Friday

  "On a scale of one to ten, how terrified are you of tomorrow?" Jen asked.

  "An eleven," Bee said and laughed.

  "What? Why? It's not like Mason is going to not show up."

  "Don't even joke about that." Bee sighed and leaned her head against the back of the couch.

  "I've known him since he was born. If there was ever someone set in his decisions, it's Mason. He's showing up."

  "I always forget that you knew the Caldwells growing up," I said. "You must have so many stories." I took a sip of my tea as Jen downed another shot.

  "Not really," she said. "But Matt is great in bed."

  "Wait, you've slept with Matt?"

  "Hasn't everyone?"

  "Umm...obviously not," Hailey said. "We were all dating someone when we met him."

  "Seriously. None of you have slept with Matt? I kind of just assumed you all had."

  Bee laughed. "Of course I haven't slept with him. I'm marrying his brother."

  "And I'm married to your brother," I said.

  "Ditto." Daphne tapped her teacup against mine.

  "But it's Matt," Jen protested. "How could you guys not sleep with Matt before you got married? It's like a rite of passage."

  "Because Rob's a perfect ten in bed," Daphne said.

  "And so is James," I added.

  "Stop." Jen put her hands over her ears. "Those are my brothers that you're talking about."

  Daphne and I both laughed.

  "Can we go back to talking about you sleeping with Matt, though?" I asked. "When did you do it? Was it just once?"

  "No, a bunch of times." Jen waved her hand dismissively.

  "Isn't there like a seven year age difference there?" Daphne asked.

  "Age is just a number," I said.

  "Mhm, Penny." Jen rolled her eyes. "We all know that you're much too young for my brother. We get it."

  I shrugged. "Sorry I brought it up. Tell us the story about you and Matt. Spit it out."

  Jen laughed. "There's nothing to tell. When I came home from college for summer break one year, our pool was being cleaned or something. So I went over to the Caldwell's instead. And it was just Matt and me hanging out. My boyfriend had just dumped me and I was terribly upset. Matt made me feel a whole lot better. Over and over and over again. It was probably the thrill of doing it right there in the open. His parents or Mason could have come home at any moment. It was so fun being young."

  "Wait," Bee said. "So it was just like a one day thing with tons of sex?"

  "Oh, no, it was the whole summer. I'm pretty sure we banged on every surface in their house. God, it was so much fun."

  "So what happened?" I asked. "Why wasn't it more than just sex?"

  "The guy is a brick wall. He fucks. He has no emotion. He uses your body for pleasure. It's kind of exhilarating."

  "Says the woman betrothed to someone else."

  "Well, yeah. I wanted love. Ian's my other half. Matt was just like...a sex slave. Besides, our parents would have been thrilled if we ended up together. Despite the age difference. And just that fact alone was a total boner killer. I mean, not literally. I'm pretty sure Matt is at attention 24/7."

  I laughed. "A summer fling with you and Matt? I just can't imagine it. Wait, hold on a second. I could have sworn that when we tried to set him up with Melissa that you said he wasn't a..." I bit the inside of my lip, trying to think of the proper phrase.

  "A mindless sex robot," Bee said with a laugh.

  "Yes! Jen, you said he wasn't a mindless sex robot!" I emphasized the word wasn't.

  Jen shrugged her shoulders. "Well, I lied. I thought they'd be cute together."

  "Jen!"

  "What? I did her a favor. She'd never be mad at me for helping her experience the perfect specimen in bed."

  "A favor? You called him an unemotional brick wall that uses your body for pleasure."

  "Are we talking about Matt?" Kendra asked as her and Marie walked into the suite. "God, he's a fucking stallion in bed."

  "Finally!" Jen said. "I knew I couldn't be the only one who slept with him. He's amazing, right?"

  "I get goose bumps just thinking about it. We got more tequila!" She and Marie lifted the bottles they were carrying.

  "Tequila!" Bee shouted. "Time for shots."

  "I really don't get it," I said. "Matt has always been so sweet to me. And to Scarlett. He's not an unemotional brick wall at all."

  "Yeah, around you," Bee said and sat back down with a shot glass in her hand.

  "What is that supposed to mean?"

  "You're the girl that everyone falls for before they find the one."

  "What? That is so not true."

  Bee looked around for help, but no one seemed eager to assist her. "Hear me out," she said. "Take Mason for instance."

  "Mason never, ever, ever had a crush on me. We were always just friends. Through James. My husband. You know that."

  Bee laughed. "Maybe he didn't have a crush on you per se. But it was because of your relationship with James that he realized he was ready to settle down with me. He loved the idea of you."

  "That's very different."

  "No, Bee has a point," Daphne said. "Rob was the same way. Joke around about it as much as you want, but I really think he used to have a thing for you. And he looks up to James. Maybe it was the idea of you thing like Bee said."

  "That's completely ridiculous," I said. "Rob and I just have a joking relationship. He was never in love with me. We're always kidding around."

  "That's another point," Jen said. "You are kind of one of the guys. You drink beer with them and play video games. Watch footba
ll games. Way more than the rest of us do."

  "But I..."

  "And Tyler actually was in love with you," Hails said with a laugh. "I mean, you were all there for that. I caught the end of the show, but he was pretty torn up after you married James. He had it the worst of anyone."

  "That's true," Bee said. "I had to witness that fatal love story for years. But then he met Hails. And Rob met Daphne. And Mason met me."

  "Ugh. You're all ridiculous" I took a sip of my tea. "God, I wish this was stronger. Just because you guys have a few examples..."

  "Honey child, three examples is pretty solid evidence if you ask me," Kendra said. "All of their spouses have basically mind fucked you."

  "Don't be gross," Marie said and swatted her friend's arm.

  I shook my head. "So you all seriously think Matt is in love with me?" I laughed. "So not true. You're all crazy."

  "He's at least in love with the idea of you," Bee said.

  "Haven't you noticed the way he looks at you?" Jen asked. "He used to look at me like that before he fucked me in his parents' pool."

  "Okay. Enough talk about this," I said. "He's sweet and kind and his mind is not at all in the gutter. Plus I'm a whale." I gestured to my stomach. "And now you guys freaked me out. The next time he asks to touch my stomach I'm going to think he's hitting on me."

  "He probably is," Jen said. "We already verified that he's super kinky."

  "Gross. I'll reiterate the fact that I'm happily married...to your brother! And seven months pregnant. And you know what? James fell in love with me. So by default I couldn't possibly be the girl that everyone falls for before they find the one."

  Jen shrugged. "Fine. But I do agree with everyone else. Don't sweat it though. Matt will find his person soon enough and stop hitting on you."

  "He hasn't been hitting on me."

  "Mhm."

  The conversation made me realize that my friends were all insane. Matt in love with me? Utter nonsense. But I couldn't really be upset with them. It all meant that James and I had a relationship worth emulating. That's basically what they meant. I bit the inside of my lip. But Mason did go from a man-whore to a loving boyfriend within a few years of meeting me. And so did Rob. Tyler had actually told me that he loved me several times, including right before leaving on his road trip where he fell in love with Hailey. Did they have a point?

  I shook away the thought. At least James hadn't found someone better after me. I didn't even want to think about that happening. I swallowed hard. So why was I trying to get him to promise me he'd do just that if I died? God, I'm making my crazy friends right! "Excuse me for one sec," I said.

  "You okay, big momma?" Bee asked.

  I laughed. "I'm fine. I just need to use the restroom." I quickly retreated to the hotel bathroom and locked the door. Panic had settled into my stomach. It almost felt like I was going to puke. I pulled out my phone and clicked on James' name. Maybe I'd calm down once I heard his voice.

  "Hey, baby," James said. There was laughter in the background on his end.

  "James?" My voice sounded desperate. Any hope I had of calming down was gone. Hearing his voice just got me more upset. I was his one, wasn't I?

  "Penny, what's wrong? Are your ankles swelling?"

  "No. I just...I don't want you to make that promise."

  "What promise?"

  "The promise to move on from me. The promise that I've been nagging you about."

  "I already told you no, baby."

  A stifled laugh escaped my throat. "James, am I the girl that everyone falls for before they find the one? If that's true then your one is still out there. And it's not me. And Scarlett's right and a snake is going to kill me. And then you're going to find your soul mate and replace me."

  There was silence on the other end.

  "James?" I croaked into the phone. Oh God, it was all true. "James?" I placed my forehead in my hand.

  "Penny?" Jen said and knocked on the door. "Is it true that your pregnancy hormones have taken over your mind and you're crying in there?"

  I sniffled. "Maybe."

  "Okay, you can let him in!" Jen shouted.

  "What are you talking about?" I asked and grabbed a tissue.

  A few seconds later there was another knock on the door. "Penny, can you let me in?" James said from the other side.

  I quickly unlocked the door. My knight in shining armor was standing there with a worried expression on his face. His chest was rising and falling like he had run through the hotel to find me. He shoved his phone into his pocket, joined me in the bathroom, and locked the door.

  "Baby, what's wrong?" He put his hands on either side of my face and brushed away my tears with his thumbs.

  "Jen was right, it's just my hormones."

  He gripped my face a little harder. "Talk to me."

  "We were discussing the fact that I'm the girl that everyone falls for before they find the one. Because Mason found Bee after meeting me. Rob found Daphne. Tyler found Hails. And now apparently Matt has a crush on me."

  "What is this about Matt having a crush on you?"

  "Nothing. It's all nonsense. I just...what if someone else is your one?" My tears started falling again.

  He shook his head as he wiped my tears away with his thumbs again. "Do you remember what you said to me in your vows?"

  "Which part? I feel like I rambled."

  He smiled. "This is all consuming, terrifying, heart stopping love. It's the greatest kind of love." He let one of his hands fall from my cheek and he pressed it against my chest. "You put words to my own thoughts when you said that. You're my one, baby." He pressed his forehead against mine. "My everything. There is no moving on after you. There is no me without you."

  I closed my eyes and breathed in his exhales. "Scarlett keeps saying a snake is going to get me."

  "I'll talk to her about it tomorrow. You won't hear another mention of snakes." He didn't move away from me. It was like my breaths were the oxygen his lungs needed.

  "I'm sorry I freaked out."

  "I'm just glad you gave me an excuse to come see you. But can we please back up for a second to the thing about Matt being in love with you?"

  "It's really nothing. My friends are insane."

  He was quiet for a moment. "Let's get our own room tonight." He ran the tip of his nose down the length of mine. "Let me help calm you down."

  God that was tempting. "You already have."

  "And your ankles are okay?" He held me at arm's length as he inspected me. "Nothing hurts?"

  "I'm okay. I think I just missed you. And as your sister so graciously mentioned, I have crazy pregnancy hormones." I shrugged my shoulders.

  He pulled me back in and hugged me tight. "Maybe we can just pretend you're still upset for a few more minutes so I don't have to leave yet?"

  "That sounds like a good idea." I listened to the constant thud of his heart beating. Yesterday I was upset that he claimed his heart only beat for me. But today I didn't want it any other way. I didn't care how selfish that was. He was mine and I was his.

  Chapter 22

  Saturday

  I cringed. All morning long, the baby had been kicking me. It was like he was eager to start dancing at the reception. Calm down.

  "Are you nervous?" Matt asked.

  "What?"

  He smiled down at me. "You look really nervous."

  "Ask me that again before I give my speech," I said. "Right now, my baby is just kicking me nonstop."

  "May I?"

  I nodded. I didn't care what my friends said. Matt wasn't in love with the idea of me. And he certainly wasn't in love with me.

  Matt placed his hand on my stomach. "Maybe he's going to be a soccer star."

  I laughed. "Definitely a striker."

  "Does it hurt? When he kicks?"

  "A little."

  "Sorry, Penny." His eyes met mine again.

  There was something so warm in them. He wasn't an unemotional brick wall. He was kind and sweet.
Jen was just wrong about him. Maybe she made her whole story up.

  "You really are going to be a great father one day," I said.

  "Why do you keep saying that to me?"

  "Because I think it's true."

  "Penny, I'm not even dating anyone. That seems like a long way off."

  "You should go on one of those dating sites."

  He laughed. "I don't think so."

  "Why not?"

  "Because I'm happy the way things are."

  "Can I steal my wife for a second?" James asked and pulled me away from Matt.

  I hadn't even heard him approach us. "James, we're walking down the aisle in a minute. Justin is going to be pissed that we're out of formation."

  He pulled me across the corridor. "He was touching you."

  I laughed. "He wanted to feel the baby kick. Our baby." I gestured back and forth between us. "You're being ridiculous."

  "Well, I also caught the end of your conversation. He said he was happy the way things were. With his hands on you."

  "Seriously, James? You're jealous of Matt? There's nothing to be upset about. He's one of your best friends."

  "Exactly. He's one of my best friends. So what the fuck is he doing hitting on you?"

  I shook my head. "James?"

  He didn't acknowledge me. Instead he was staring daggers at Matt.

  "James. Hey." I grabbed his face and turned it back to me. "If you want to assume the worst about him, fine. I can't change your mind. But that doesn't mean there's anything to worry about. You know that my heart is yours."

  "Don't hang out with him while I'm gone."

  I laughed. "He's going to be at the brunch tomorrow. Do you seriously want me to ignore him?"

  "Yes."

  "You're impossible."

  "And stop letting him feel the baby kick. If he touches your stomach one more time I'm going to punch him in the face." He put his hand on my belly. "This is mine."

  "Of course it's yours. Every piece of me is yours."

  "Then don't let anyone else touch what's mine."

  It had been a long time since James had been jealous of anyone. Really, the last person he was jealous of was probably Tyler. Or maybe it was of one of my fellow interns when I had my brief stint at Hunter Tech.