Starting Over in Texas

by Jessica Keller

  Her gaze landed on a package of hot dogs. If she remembered correctly, there was a firepit not far behind Boone’s bunkhouse near the lake that was sometimes used for camp programs. She grabbed the hot dogs and spun around, bringing her inches away from Boone’s broad chest. She sucked in a sharp breath. “Can you build a fire?”

  Hailey hummed the first few notes of “Do You Want to Build a Snowman.” Then burst out with, “Do you want to build a fire?” She started skipping around the small kitchen island while she continued making up lyrics. “Or roast some hot dogs outside? My daddy burned the dinner. But it’s okay. ’Cause Violet made it better. Do you want to build a fire?”

  In complete dad mode, Boone nodded and continued his conversation with Violet as if Hailey wasn’t dancing around them belting out a song. “Now that, I can do.”

  “It doesn’t have to be a big fire,” Hailey sang.

  “Go start that.” Violet pointed at him. She snagged Hailey on her next trip around the island. “Hailey and I will go hunting for some good sticks.”

  Boone was out the door a minute later. Hailey helped Violet clean up the kitchen and put away everything Boone had used to make their dinner and then they cut up some watermelon, found some paper plates and carried everything outside. By the time they reached the firepit, Boone had a strong fire going. Hailey found a few long branches and Boone and Hailey roasted hog dogs while Violet divvied up watermelon, buns and s’mores bars onto everyone’s plates.

  After eating, they ended up staying outside for the rest of the evening. Rhett’s dog, Kodiak, wandered to the lake and Hailey tossed balls and branches into the water over and over again for the dog. Kodiak never seemed to tire.

  Violet used her hand to shield her eyes from the bright sunset. “Your brother trained that dog how to do water rescues. It’s pretty amazing to watch.”

  Boone stood shoulder to shoulder with Violet as they looked over the lake. “I don’t doubt it. My big brother has always been a bit of a hero who can accomplish anything he puts his mind to. I’ve always looked up to him.” Boone heaved a sigh. “I’ve been meaning to tell you, you were right.” He gestured toward where his daughter played with the big dog. “I should have moved her back to my house right away. I honestly don’t know why I didn’t.”

  Even though there was no way Hailey could overhear them, Violet dropped her voice. “Because you were scared, Boone. You were afraid you wouldn’t know how to manage her on your own—especially with all you two have been through. You thought she’d be safer somewhere she couldn’t see you ever be sad or worried.” He opened his mouth to say something, but she plowed on before he could. “But being scared is okay. People think it’s not, but it is. That little girl would rather have her dad nearby and terrified about the future than not have him around at all.” Violet finally met his gaze. “She doesn’t need a perfect dad, just a present one.”

  Boone excused himself soon after in order to put Hailey to sleep. Hailey gave Violet a huge hug before she headed inside.

  “I love you,” Hailey whispered, her sticky hands winding around Violet’s neck.

  Violet hugged her close. “You too, squirt.”

  Once she was alone, Violet wrapped her arms across her middle and watched the sun sink below the horizon. When it was finally gone, she headed over to the campfire and started gathering everything. Kodiak padded after her and sprawled out a few feet from the firepit. Violet couldn’t help the smile that came to her face as she thought about the evening and how much fun it had been to spend time with Boone and Hailey. Even the hard conversation she and Boone had shared had gone well.

  It had felt how she had always imagined home would feel. A family. People who laughed and made the best of a bad situation and who helped one another. People who simply enjoyed being together.

  Violet froze as she was setting the last cup on the tray.

  Boone and Hailey weren’t her family.

  Her fingers tightened around the cup. Kodiak lifted her head and let out one low whine.

  She couldn’t think like that.

  Violet set down the last cup with more force than necessary.

  She refused to let herself feel at home. Not here, not anywhere. Doing so only ever ended in rejection and heartbreak.

  * * *

  With two mugs in his hands, Boone stepped outside only to see Violet heading out of the yard. She was running off, just like she had the night on the pier. He hadn’t brought up that night because so much time had passed, and it seemed as if she didn’t want to talk about it.

  Maybe he should let her sneak off without a goodbye. She didn’t owe him any niceties. But he was so tired of being alone every night after he put Hailey to bed. Sick of the quiet. Of being stuck with only his thoughts. Maybe he was being selfish, but Boone wanted Violet’s company even if it was only for a few more minutes.

  “Wait up,” he called after her. When she pivoted in his direction he said, “I made hot chocolate.”

  She had her hands on her hips and stood on the edge of the yard for a few more minutes. Her shoulders were set into a hard line. In the dim evening light her outline appeared so small, so fragile. Boone’s chest suddenly ached with a desire to protect her, but he shook that thought away just as quickly. Violet was a strong, capable woman who had gotten along just fine before they met. She didn’t need or want anything Boone had to offer.

  Not that he was in the market to offer everything anyway.

  He strode in her direction, holding one of the mugs out. “If there’s one thing I can make without ruining, it’s hot chocolate.” He took a step closer. “It’s opening packages and boiling water. Pretty high-palate stuff here—you don’t want to miss out.”

  She edged forward and lifted the cup from his hand. “I happen to love hot cocoa.”

  He jerked his head in the direction of the firepit and she nodded. They slowly picked their way across the yard back toward the seating area near the fire.

  Violet squinted into her mug. “Are those...? You put Lucky Charms marshmallows in here?” Her shoulders finally eased. Her green eyes darted to meet his.

  Boone bumped her shoulder as they sat down. “That’s my specialty.” He winked. He took a sip. “Hailey actually hates the marshmallows in her cereal but loves the other part of it. Weird, I know. Usually it’s the other way around.” He shook his head. “So we pick them out and put them in a baggie to use in other stuff—namely hot chocolate. Now you know all our family secrets.”

  Violet cupped her hands around her mug. She gazed toward the fire for such a long time, he almost asked her if something was wrong. But then she swallowed and slowly turned to meet his eyes. “I was wrong about you. You’re a good dad, Boone.”

  Her words made his eyes burn. He wasn’t a good dad. He had abandoned his daughter in her grief. Since June’s death he had made so many mistakes. His throat felt raw and it had nothing to do with the temperature of his hot chocolate.

  He stared into his mug as he swirled the liquid around, watching the marshmallows smear colors like an oil slick over the top of his drink as they melted. “I’m not so sure about that. Since June... I’m failing at everything I do.”

  It had taken a week of thinking, but Boone had finally pinpointed why he had returned to school instead of staying at the ranch with Hailey and the rest of his family. Sure, he had gone to close down their life in Maine, but there had been more to it. School and studying had always come easily to Boone. Out of all the Jarretts, he was the book-smart one, the reader, the test-acer. He had gone back to school because it was the only thing he felt successful at. He hadn’t wanted to face how he was failing Hailey by not knowing how to walk through grief. He hadn’t wanted to struggle in front of siblings who had always looked to him for advice, and he hadn’t wanted to face how he’d failed June, too. Because their marriage had been built around pursuing his dreams. His plan.

&nbs
p; Had he ever even stopped to ask what her dreams were?

  Now it was too late.

  “Boone, no.” Violet set her mug on the seat beside her so she could place a hand on his knee. “Thinking like that won’t get you anywhere.”

  He tried to swallow. “I don’t know how to do this. All this, without her. I miss her so much and I feel like I’m fumbling everything with Hailey. And I don’t know what to do about it.”

  Violet never took her eyes from his face. “Okay, so you can’t take back the eight weeks you were gone, but you can do and have been doing everything in your power to be there for Hailey since then.” She jiggled his knee a little. “And that’s all she needs, Boone. She just needs you.”

  He set down his mug so he could run a hand over his close-cropped hair. “She wanted to have a nice dinner and look how that turned out.”

  Violet gestured toward the firepit area. “Think about the memory she made today. She’ll remember having an impromptu campfire dinner and playing with Kodiak and making up songs. She’ll remember how cool it was that her dad let her stay up late.”

  He set his hand on top of hers. “What she’ll remember most is how her friend Violet swooped in and saved the day.” His fingers instinctively curled around hers. “You’re the real MVP here.”

  Violet slipped her hand free. She rubbed both her arms. “I’m sorry about your wife. I don’t think I’ve said that yet.”

  Kodiak got up and ambled to lie down next to his feet. She let out a loud harrumph.

  “Thank you.” Boone hunched over, his elbows on his knees. “We’d been together since we were kids. A life with June is all I’ve ever known.” He knew he was rambling, but Boone couldn’t stop. He hadn’t been able to verbalize these things to anyone else. “And Hailey is going to slowly lose her—I already see it beginning. Will she remember her mom when she’s fifteen? I don’t know. She’s so young and June’s going to miss so much.”

  “I lost both my parents in a car accident when I was her age. I walked away with a couple bumps and they both were gone before the police arrived on scene.” She pulled the zip-up hoodie she was wearing tighter around herself. “But I remember them. I can still recall the smell of my mother’s perfume and her voice—it was always calm, never flustered. And my dad, he loved to watch Jeopardy and those chocolate oranges were his favorite candy. I won’t ever lose those things about them.” She sighed as if telling him those details had cost her something. “You can’t bring June back, but you can honor her memory and her love for you guys. You can help Hailey see that she’s a piece of everything you both do—when you guys have fun or when either one of you is sad, and she’s a part of how you guys love and are there for each other.”

  She leaned her shoulder into his. “Don’t get so wrapped up in what’s going wrong that you don’t see what’s right. Don’t let Hailey lose the dad she’s always known by turning inward or focusing on mistakes. Just be there, be present. That’s what she needs.”

  “I’m sorry you went through this when you were a child. No one should have to.”

  Violet shrugged but it seemed forced. “Death is the price for life, right? Anyway, it was a long time ago.” She dusted off her jeans and stood, striding a few feet closer to the fire so her back was to him. The woman in front of him had been through so much pain in her lifetime yet she was kind and encouraging. He fought the urge to get up and wrap his arms around her from behind.

  “Violet—”

  She spoke over him. “You’re talking to your siblings about all these things, right?”

  Boone scrubbed his hand over his head. “I haven’t, actually. Rhett needs to focus on Macy and Silas, Wade has plenty on his shoulders as it is, and with her travels Shannon is almost impossible to reach. I don’t want to burden any of them.” He stood, too, and made his way to her side. He shoved his hands into his pockets to keep from reaching out to her. “Besides, I’ve always been the one they come to for advice. That’s been my role in our sibling group.” And he didn’t want them to think he was incapable. He was supposed to end up being a pastor, after all. No one wanted a pastor who wasn’t able to keep their life together. It was good training for him to deal with this on his own.

  Violet’s smile was sad. “Listen, maybe it’s not my place. After all, I don’t have much experience with family or love for that matter, but I have to imagine that people who love you aren’t ever going to see you or your struggles as a burden.” She stepped out of the ring of light cast by the fire. “You should start talking to them, Boone. You have people in your life—you don’t know how rare that is. Don’t take them for granted.”

  She said good-night and headed back to her bunkhouse. But Boone stayed near the fire waiting for it to peter out so he could make sure it was completely extinguished before he went to bed. Kodiak stayed beside him. Boone shot Wade a quick text, letting him know he would keep the dog at his place for the night. He should probably take over her care completely until Rhett came home. Having Kodiak’s company was better than being alone.

  Violet’s words played through his mind. For someone who claimed not to know anything about love, her advice was covered in it. She spoke truth but worded it gracefully. She knew how to challenge in an encouraging way. She spoke with love and all her actions with Hailey showed how much love was waiting in Violet’s heart.

  She just needs you.

  After their conversation, Boone couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like for Violet to need him, too.

  Chapter Six

  The next morning Violet woke earlier than usual and decided to make good use of her time instead of staying in bed. Only months ago, she would have saddled Hawken and they would have explored new trails together, but Hawken couldn’t handle a rider yet.

  Please, let him heal.

  She headed to the barn and hooked a lead line to his halter, and they started off on a slow walk side by side across the fields of Red Dog Ranch. She could have worked him in the large, newly built riding arena located just behind the barn, but Hawken had spent so much time inside stalls lately that Violet made sure to bring him outside every chance she could. Even though it was early, it was already hot, so she decided not to push her horse too far. He needed to be exercised daily but it was important to not overdo it.

  When her parents died, their assets had been placed into a fund Violet was only able to access once she turned eighteen. After aging out of the system and leaving the Jenningses—the foster family who had taught her to barrel race—she had tapped into her parents’ money to purchase Hawken. He had already been trained on the barrels but the girl who originally owned him had left him in a stall at a rental facility when she went to college. Unridden and unwanted for months, Hawken had developed an attitude and had started biting the helpers at the barn. His owner had decided to offload him for a song.

  Violet trailed her fingers down his neck, causing him to nicker softly.

  The first time she met him, Violet knew Hawken was the one. Abandoned and angry—they had understood each other all too well. They had both had something to prove. In the beginning, Violet had spent ten hours a day or more in his company so he would know that she was there to stay. That he had a home and a life with her forever. Because of her efforts, he had learned to trust her and after a month together, they had started riding as if they had trained together for years. They shared a bond of trust that Violet never wanted to lose. While she was prone to liking every horse she met, she was certain she would never share the same bond with another one as she did with Hawken. No matter how busy she got, she still found a way to spend hours in his company every day.

  Halfway into their walk Violet spotted Cassidy making her way across the field. Cassidy was heading in their direction, so Violet decided to stop Hawken’s walk. They could head back toward the barn since Cassidy would pass it on her way to the mess hall to make breakfast for the staff and campers. />
  “I’d offer you a ride...” Violet said as Cassidy drew near. Violet knew Wade’s wife was five months pregnant.

  Cassidy batted her hand. “You sound like my husband. Though in his defense, I have been really tired this time around.” She reached Violet and they started walking together. “But if Wade had his way, I think he’d wrap me in Bubble Wrap and make me stay in bed until she’s born.”

  “She?” Violet smiled at the woman. “I had heard a rumor that you guys weren’t going to find out the gender.”

  Cassidy shook her head. “Oh, Wade tried to float the idea of waiting until the baby was born to know but I told him, look buddy, thanks to you I’ve had enough surprises in my life lately—I don’t need another one.” She shrugged. “I had to know. I like planning. And it was still a surprise, just an earlier one.”

  “That’s exciting. I mean, it was always exciting but I’m sure you’re happy to start buying things for her and decorating her room. Have you guys thought of any names yet?”

  “So far Piper has submitted the names Lumpy or Squirmy for consideration.” Cassidy laughed. “Thankfully Wade and I agreed to veto those. I like the name Grace. After everything we’ve been through, it feels right.”

  Violet looked away, out across to the horizon. Her eyes burned from the bright sunrise. Or maybe it had more to do with the conversation. Violet would never have what Cassidy enjoyed. She would never have a loving family like they had and would never know what it was like to plan for a child or share jokes with a husband.

  The last four years Violet had done everything in her power to prove she was worthy of love. Because if life had taught her one thing it was that no one—not even God—was ever going to be there for her or want her unless she became someone worth wanting. Clearly, just as herself, she wasn’t good enough. Why else would He have turned a deaf ear on her childhood pleas for a home, for people who loved her? She had really thought she was getting somewhere with her high standing in the circuits, but then she had been injured. Not one rodeo friend had reached out to her since the season started.