Starting Over in Texas

by Jessica Keller

  So easily, she had been forgotten.

  All over again.

  Realizing there had been a long pause, Violet said, “Grace Jarrett. That would be a beautiful name.” She cleared her throat. “Speaking of babies, I was over at Boone’s last night but forgot to ask him about Silas.” The entire reason they had set up the dinner was to brainstorm for the fundraiser for Silas and after the food catastrophe, they had never gotten the evening back on track.

  Cassidy sucked in a sharp breath. “I drove out there last weekend. It’s so heartbreaking to see his tiny body covered in tubes and wires. Macy can’t hold him like a mom should be able to.” Cassidy wiped at her eyes. “Rhett and Macy are so battle-weary already. We have to keep praying for them and visiting them so they know they aren’t alone in all of this.”

  Violet dipped her head. She would keep praying but she doubted they would want her to visit. It wasn’t as if she was family.

  Cassidy glanced her way. “So it sounds like you and Boone have been spending a lot of time together lately?”

  Despite the way Cassidy’s words made her stomach flip-flop, Violet offered a noncommittal half shrug. “Hazard of working together, I guess.”

  Cassidy’s eyes narrowed. “Inviting you over to dinner isn’t work.”

  Hawken snorted.

  “It was Hailey’s idea. I care about her, you know that,” Violet said.

  Then she rested a hand on Hawken’s shoulder as they walked. His presence always lent her strength, which she needed right then. Because she probably would have spilled her turmoil of feelings to Cassidy if she hadn’t been able to reach out for him. A part of Violet wanted to tell Cassidy that she was attracted to Boone, that she kept finding ways to spend more time around him and loved talking to him. She wanted to tell someone that she had been able to speak to Boone in a raw and honest way and she had never felt that freedom around anyone else in her life.

  It terrified her.

  But she still wanted to be around him.

  It was some silly crush, though, so she’d never admit anything out loud. She was an orphan whom nobody wanted—definitely not on the level of a Jarrett. And she never would be. Besides, if Boone had been interested what would Violet actually bring to the table? No family, no relationship experience and a whole lot of broken pieces. He wouldn’t want that, not really. Would never want her. She was around and his family was busy, that was all.

  She was fooling herself to even secretly entertain the possibility of more.

  At the rodeos she had always had her guard up but she had let it fall at Red Dog Ranch when she let Hailey in. These thoughts about Boone were a by-product of that. Nothing she could trust. She shoved every feeling into the bottom of her heart, cramming them tightly away.

  Besides, Boone still loved his wife. He would always love her. Violet could never compare to the woman who had captured Boone’s heart all those years ago. And when Violet left, he would forget all about her.

  Because everyone always did.

  * * *

  The following weeks flew by quickly. Boone felt as if someone had hit a fast-forward button. Due to staff and volunteer changes, Boone started leading the worship portion of the chapel services along with giving the message. He had been on the worship team at his church during high school and had led worship at summer camp all through college. Since getting married and going to seminary, though, he had hung up his guitar but had always missed it. Those experiences leading worship were what had led him to the desire to be a pastor in the first place.

  Boone had convinced Violet to start attending chapel every evening. She would come for the worship portion and sometimes step out mid-message. She never stayed for the final night’s service.

  Tonight, as the campers filed out of the chapel and counselors wrangled the kids into their cabins, Boone, Violet and Hailey headed toward Boone’s bunkhouse. An evening campfire had turned into a tradition for the three of them that they only missed if an emergency sprang up at the ranch that required either Boone’s or Violet’s attention.

  Hailey had hold of both of their hands as she walked between them. “Know what?”

  Violet grinned down at her. “What, squirt?”

  When he watched Violet interacting with his daughter, he couldn’t help the warmth that flooded his chest. Violet wasn’t related to them; she didn’t have to be kind to an energetic six-year-old. But she was. She seemed to possess boundless patience where Hailey was concerned and displayed a genuine interest in anything his child wanted to talk about or do. That was the thing about Violet that amazed Boone again and again—she cared so much about people. Despite all she had been through and the hurt she had faced in life, her heart was still open, still kind and still full of hope. He admired that about her.

  Hailey hopped a few times. “Uncle Wade said he is going to get more horses. Isn’t that fun? He said the ranch needs more. I wonder if he’ll find one that’s my size.”

  Violet darted a questioning gaze to Boone. Boone sighed. “Wade hasn’t mentioned new horses to me, but if he’s thinking of getting more, he probably has a plan for them.”

  Hailey turned pleading eyes toward him. “Can I start riding again?” She tugged on his hand. “I miss it. It’s been weeks and I don’t want to forget all I learned.” She spun toward Violet. “Violet said I was really good at it.”

  Violet let out a breathy laugh. “Guilty as charged.” She grimaced. “I mean, she is really good at it, Boone.”

  Boone glanced between the two of them, his stomach knotting as he did. “Let me think about it.”

  When they reached his yard, they bypassed the bunkhouse and went right into the backyard. Kodiak was sprawled near the firepit waiting. Her tail thumped the ground when she spotted them.

  Hailey ran to Kodiak and hugged her around the neck. Then she looked back at Boone. “I have something else to have you think about, too.”

  Boone dropped down onto a log to be at her eye level. “Oh? And what’s that?”

  Hailey wound her fingers together. “Piper and I want to go to the Fourth of July party in town but Aunt Cassidy said she wouldn’t be able to be on her feet for that long so they can’t take us.” She batted her long eyelashes. “Can you?”

  Boone rubbed the side of his head. The ranch never had campers the first week of July because of the holiday so it wasn’t as if they would be too busy to attend. “I, ah, that would be a lot. Juggling the two of you all day in such a large crowd. It’s just me and I’m not used to—”

  “Well, you won’t be alone. Violet will come, too.” Hailey’s gaze shot to Violet. “Won’t you?”

  Hailey whispered please, please, please. Kodiak’s brow scrunched as she watched Hailey.

  Violet pressed her hands together and rocked forward. “If you guys decide to go, I’m happy to go along.” She turned to include Boone in the conversation. “Only if you need help, of course.”

  Boone pulled Hailey against his chest and kissed the top of her head. “It shouldn’t be a problem but let me have a day to think about it and talk to Wade.”

  After Hailey was in bed, Violet and Boone moved inside to the kitchen table so they could work on the event for Silas. For the last two weeks they had been tossing around ideas for the fundraiser but now that they were entering July and the date was right around the corner, they needed to start making decisions.

  Ever faithful, Kodiak followed Boone and lay at his feet.

  Violet pulled out her phone. Boone noticed her lock screen was a selfie of her and Hailey. She opened the notes function and scanned over a list she had made. “I know we talked about a design for the flyers and social media ads, but I think the event should have a name.”

  Boone tugged open a laptop and set it so the screen faced both of them. “Let’s get Rhett and Macy’s input. I sent over ideas from the last time we talked, and I want to get their
permission to use a picture of Silas.” He pressed the button to initiate a video chat with his brother. As they had been planning off and on, Boone had tried to keep Rhett in the loop on anything related to the fundraiser as often as he could.

  Rhett’s face appeared on the screen, and he gave them a weak smile. He pulled Macy into the frame and she pressed the side of her face against his neck. Boone knew they were trying to stay positive, but he also knew they were walking through the biggest valley of their life and it was draining them.

  The second Rhett’s voice came through the speakers, Kodiak sprang to her feet and paced around the kitchen, each step punctuated with a loud whine. She swung her head in the direction of the door and waited, then paced back over to Boone, looked at him as if he were deliberately hiding his brother from her and let out a loud bark.

  Rhett leaned toward the camera. “Good girl, Kodiak. I’m right here. I sure miss you.”

  Kodiak zeroed in on the screen. She set her paws on Boone’s lap and stood to be eye level with the monitor. Her tail beat a happy pattern against the chair.

  Boone looped his arm around her. “She misses you both a lot.”

  “It’s good to see you guys,” Rhett said. “Thanks for calling.” He glanced off-screen in the direction of the crib bed the hospital had for Silas. “He’s sleeping right now. For the most part it was a quiet day here.”

  Macy nodded. “Keep praying. It’s so hard to cling to hope right now.” She swiped away a tear as Rhett’s arm came around her shoulder. “You know, people usually have these warm and fluffy thoughts about the word hope, but placing ourselves in a position to hope—this is anguish.” Her voice trembled. She wiped away more tears. “Having an answer, even a bad one, seems easier than sitting in this waiting period. Than not knowing. If we had an answer at least we could plan, we could do something.” She fisted a hand, then slowly relaxed her fingers. “But choosing to hope, that leaves us smack-dab in the midst of uncertainty and questioning,” she said. “You guys know me.” She pressed her hand to her chest. “I’m someone who wants to be able to take instant action, but that’s not a choice here.” She glanced toward the crib. “Our only choice is to wait and pray and hope. I know that probably sounds bad.”

  Violet coughed a little. “Not at all. I... I understand what you’re saying. More than you know. Choosing to hope is often the most dangerous option. At least, it has been for me.”

  “It’s been hard.” Rhett glanced at his wife. “It just feels as if God is only answering us in tiny drips when we’d like an ocean wave. Is that so bad? Because this in-between, the not knowing, that hurts the most right now.” He rubbed the palm of his hand against his heart.

  Boone prayed as his brother and sister-in-law talked. Being there, watching their only child fight to stay alive, was more than Boone could imagine. And after what he had been through, that was saying a lot.

  He noticed they were all looking to him, all waiting. Rhett might have been older, but he had always come to Boone for advice. Even more so once Boone started seminary. The family looked to Boone for spiritual guidance, a task Boone wasn’t sure he was up for any longer. He prayed for the right words anyway.

  Boone cleared his throat. “The thing about waves, though, is they could drag you under. Too much of anything can knock us over and leave us drowning. Oceans are big and powerful from the get-go, but drips, drips build into something. Drips become something and while the drips are coming, God builds our faith with each tiny splash in the bucket.”

  Rhett ran a shaky hand over his jaw. “You’re right. I know you’re right.”

  Macy smiled at the camera. “God has our little superhero in His hands. We’ve seen so many drips already.” She nodded. “We just have to hang on.”

  Violet scooted forward in her seat. “Did you say superhero?”

  Macy chuckled and turned a loving look off-screen toward Silas’s crib. “That’s what all the nurses call him.”

  Violet latched onto Boone’s arm. “That’s it. We can call the event the Super Silas fundraiser.”

  Rhett hugged his wife close and kissed the top of her head. “We love that idea.”

  Boone ran through the rest of the topics he had wanted to touch on and got permission to use pictures of Silas on social media and in the flyers they were going to leave around town and at Chick-N-More.

  As they were wrapping up the conversation, Macy elbowed Rhett, who then started talking. “Before we go, we wanted to say thank you to both of you for all you’ve done and continue to do for the ranch and for Silas.” He looked at Violet. “Especially you, Violet. I know being stuck at our ranch during your rodeo season is not what you planned or wanted. Under the circumstances you could have locked yourself away and refused to help and I would have understood, but you didn’t. You stepped up and came to our family’s rescue. You have been the greatest blessing to all of us Jarretts during this season and I want you to know there will always be a place for you at Red Dog Ranch.”

  Violet whispered a trembling thank you as they signed off. With her shoulders curving inward, she looked so confused and maybe even a bit afraid. Boone fought the desire to pull her into his arms like he’d done before. Everything in him screamed to protect her, to encourage her, to make sure she understood how strong and kind and beautiful she was. Did she know? Did she see all the wonderful things about herself that he did? On the first day they met she had glared at him and refused to back down but now a kind word from Rhett had made her unsure and quiet. He had to know why.

  He settled for placing his hand on her back and rubbing it in a circle. But when she leaned into his touch, Boone had to admit to himself that he had feelings for Violet Byrd. Strong ones. He had never met anyone like her, and he dreaded the thought of her leaving the ranch someday—leaving him. His gut clenched.

  Rhett had offered her a place here; dare he hope she would accept his brother’s offer?

  Boone kept his voice gentle. “What do you want to do, Violet?” That wasn’t the right question. He was trying to ask her what he had failed to ask June. He wanted Violet to be happy and feel fulfilled in her life. Try again. He cleared his throat. “Not right now, I mean, but with your life. What’s your dream?” He added quickly, “Do you want to stay at Red Dog Ranch?”

  She turned in her chair, her eyes snapping to his. “Stay?” she whispered, and looked down. “I... I—” Violet hugged her stomach. “Dreams don’t matter, Boone,” she said, regaining her normal confidence. She smoothed her hands over the notes scattered across the tabletop. “I believe in doing the best I can wherever life has me because maybe that’s all there will ever be to my life, and it’s better to accept that and move on.” She fiddled with the curled edge of a piece of paper. “It’s a pointless waste of time to hang our hearts on things that will never happen.”

  Boone put his hand on top of one of hers so it stilled. “Dreams aren’t pointless, Violet.” He touched her chin, guiding her face back to make eye contact. “Your dreams aren’t pointless. You don’t have to tell me, but know that I care about them, whatever they are.”

  Her eyes narrowed and she backed out of his touch. “If dreams aren’t pointless then what are yours, huh? Is Red Dog Ranch where you want to be forever? Are you living your dream?”

  He could tell her that right now, with her, this was a dream he would have been willing to stay in for a long time. Red Dog Ranch could be home if she was there. But he pushed those thoughts away. Sure, he was developing feelings for Violet, but they didn’t mean anything. They couldn’t. Boone was a lonely, grieving widower who was probably looking for comfort and that was all the feelings accounted for. Besides, even if they were something more, what did he have to offer Violet? A bunch of emotional baggage and an uncertain future. Not exactly top of the pickings. She deserved more. Far better than him.

  Violet crossed her arms. “Because if you’re not actually following your ow
n advice maybe you shouldn’t be doling it out so regularly.”

  He had learned that Violet threw things out like that when she was trying to protect herself, when a conversation was hitting too close to home. It was her way of keeping people at a distance—run them off before they rejected her. But a few words wouldn’t scare Boone away. Someday she’d realize she was safe with him. Free to voice whatever she wanted without him running for the hills. For now, the only way to prove that was to dig in and stay when she expected him to take off.

  Boone hooked his arm on the back of his chair as he faced her. “You sure don’t hold back. I know I’ve said it before.”

  She lifted her chin. “And I’m never going to.”

  “Good.” He leaned close, stopping only inches from her face. “I’d never want you to.” His voice was warm.

  Violet bit her bottom lip, her green eyes on his. If jumping beans could riot, it felt as if they had chosen his stomach as the location for their party. Nerves jangled up Boone’s spine. He could kiss Violet right now and then he would know if she was feeling everything he was. He could get lost in her. But Boone had only ever kissed June, and their first kiss had been as awkward high schoolers. He wasn’t sure exactly how to proceed with someone he wasn’t certain of.

  A heartbeat later Violet pulled away. She let out a shaky breath as she ran a hand over her hair. She turned away from him, back to face the table and all their work for the event.

  Boone had waited too long. Been too cautious, as usual.

  He sighed. “You asked what my dream was.”

  “Boone, I was goading you and I shouldn’t have been. You don’t have to—”

  “The thing is,” he said, “I don’t know what my dream is. For as long as I can remember, my life has been planned out. Get married, have kids, finish seminary, become a pastor.” He shrugged. After he and June had gotten married, they’d lived at Red Dog Ranch. They had a few years between high school and college to work on their marriage, and then he had enrolled in college. After undergrad he had dived straight into seminary. They had known getting his master’s of divinity would take another four years, so they hadn’t dreamed beyond that goal.