The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  “Your tone is insolent,” the newcomer replied, his voice deep – a little too deep. He sounded like someone doing a bad Batman impersonation.

  “I do not answer to you. Tell me The Destroyer’s message and be gone while I still allow you to walk away.”

  “On the count of three,” Sally whispered.

  The hooded figure approached to where François stood, stopping barely a foot away from him. “I said the master, not Vehron.”

  “One.”

  “What are you talking about, fool?”

  “Two.”

  “Bill’s master, actually,” the figure replied, his voice dropping an octave to a familiar cadence. “At least the little tyke thinks she is.”

  “Thr...”

  “Wait!” I hissed, just as the figure threw back his hood, revealing himself to be Tom. How in the name of fuck?

  “I know you,” François said with a snarl.

  “Yes, but have you met my little friend?” Tom replied in a bad Cuban accent. “If not, say hello to him.”

  With that, Tom took a swing at François. It was hard to tell from this angle, but it looked like he had something attached to his hand. Whatever the case, he’d clearly gone insane. Because there was no way...

  ...That François’s head would burst into flame as the blow connected?

  The asshole screamed and backed up a step. Tom took the occasion to throw his cloak off, revealing his armor – a collection of stolen toys duct-taped to his body. Yep, we’d definitely taken a detour to Crazy Town.

  “Don’t be sad. Come here and give Daddy a big hug.” Tom leapt forward onto the stunned François and gave him the least friendly greeting one could give a vampire.

  Up in Canada, François had proven himself pretty tough when it came to resisting a faith-magic imbued object. However, my roommate’s entire body was covered in them. That upped the ante by several hundred percent.

  I didn’t dare fool myself that he’d win, though. Even if he got supremely lucky, there was still François’s compelled minions to take into account.

  Speaking of which, I grabbed Christy and dragged her to the ground. Just in time too, as the compelled vampires brought guns to bear from all sides. Considering François’s orders had included ventilating her head if anything happened, I didn’t like her chances just standing there in the crossfire.

  Sally and Ed, no idiots, joined us ... which, on second thought, might not have been a great plan as all the rest had to do was aim downward.

  Thankfully, that didn’t become an issue as, just then, a burst of light caught my attention from ahead of us. One of the Salem vamps had been dusted. The reason became clear less than a second later as a crossbow bolt struck another right in the forehead.

  The cavalry had arrived.

  Oh shit! Remembering that I had friends among the compelled, I kicked Dave’s legs out from under him. Sally saw what I was doing and then did the same to Adam, socking him in the jaw on the way down – for good measure, I guess.

  It was a good thing we’d acted when we had, because barely a moment later the area around us descended into pure unadulterated chaos.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Gunfire erupted as the compelled vamps began opening fire seemingly in every direction. The problem was, they were poor schmucks recruited against their will to fight. Gan’s people – because who the fuck else would be out in the woods with crossbows? – were heavily trained warriors fighting for the honor of their psychotic princess.

  It was only a matter of moments before more flashes of light joined the first, as the Salem coven was exterminated one by one. I didn’t have time to worry about them, though.

  “Stay here!”

  “Where are you...”

  “I have a friend and you have a fiancé that needs some help right now.” Yeah, I’d just committed Tom’s ass to marriage without his say so. Fuck it. It wasn’t like he had much choice in the matter anyway.

  I jumped to my feet, praying Gan’s people had it drilled into their heads that her beloved was on the do-not-pepper-with-arrows list. When I didn’t immediately die like a redshirt on Star Trek, I bolted forward toward where Tom still struggled with François. A red-hot lance of pain seared through my leg, but I ignored it and continued on.

  I was just in time too. François, though looking like Freddy Krueger served up well done, was still an ancient vampire with a scary shit ton of power. He finally managed to mount a defense and, in doing so, threw Tom off. My roommate went flying through the air, out of the tree line, and landed hard on the asphalt of the street, rolling until he came to a halt. He lay there unmoving, but I couldn’t stop to check on him, not with a major asshole in the way who was gonna be mighty pissed just as soon as he regrew about ninety percent of his skin.

  “You dare touch me? I am François of the First!”

  “And it’s about time you came in dead last!” I plowed into him from behind, savoring the cheap shot karma had been saving up for this motherfucker for centuries. “This is for Mike!”

  His feet left the ground, but, more importantly, his body left the protection afforded by the trees – on more or less the same trajectory as he’d sent my friend. His clothes in tatters and his body already burnt nearly beyond recognition, he had nothing to shield himself from the rays of the sun that shone down upon him.

  I managed to catch hold of a tree limb to stop my forward momentum, and stopped to watch the show.

  François screamed, loud and high pitched – sounding like a teenaged girl in a horror movie. An asshole in life, a bitch in the end. Worked for me.

  He tried to stand, make one last effort to reach cover even as his body began to immolate, but Tom – scraped the hell up from the fall – still had enough sense to kick out and hit the back of François’s knee.

  The elder vampire stumbled and that was all she wrote. His body was consumed by fire and I watched as his asshole features melted away seconds before there came the telltale flash that rendered him little more than dust in the wind.

  Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.

  Out of the Frying Pan

  With François dead, his hold over both the vampires of Salem Coven and my other friends had ended.

  Sadly, that didn’t mean shit to Gan’s troops. I yelled for them to cease firing, but that still didn’t stop many Salem vamps from dying with confused looks upon their faces. By the time an order was barked out and the hail of medieval weaponry stopped, there were maybe a handful of the poor Salem schmucks left.

  Tom had gotten back to his feet and joined me in the tree line by then. “You okay, man?” I asked.

  “I think I lost a Furby in the fight.”

  “Fuck you.”

  “Nice to see you too,” he replied with a smile as we walked back to take stock of the carnage.

  “Everyone okay?” I called out.

  “What’s going on?” one of the Salem vamps asked. He saw me and immediately raised his weapon again. “You’re that Freewill guy. What the hell did you do to me and my friends?”

  “I wouldn’t do that if I were...”

  One more bolt zinged in from somewhere beyond us, catching the vamp square in the chest and ending him then and there.

  Oh for Christ’s sake! “Will you fucking knock it off already?!” I screamed to the surrounding trees.

  Silence reigned once again – for about two seconds anyway. Then there came a cry of joy as Christy nearly knocked Tom off his feet.

  He tried to mumble “hi,” in that idiotically nonchalant way he had, but her mouth was too busy crushing his to let out any sound.

  Her public displays of affection rapidly approaching uncomfortable levels, I decided to leave them to their own devices for the moment as I went to check on the others.

  Sally was already back on her feet and giving Ed a helping hand.

  “Anything hurt?”

  “Do egos count?” Ed asked.

 
“Only if you’re wearing pants.”

  “Look who’s talking.”

  Oh crap. He was right. In all the excitement, my makeshift kilt had almost slipped off. Not quite what I wanted to happen, especially with Gan in the vicinity. Thankfully, Sally was there to help snap my cuffs off so I could re-secure my meager coverings properly. When I was finished, I turned my attention to my other friends. “How are you guys doing?”

  “What the fuck happened?” Adam asked, looking about as dazed as expected.

  “That vampire from the pit, François, he took over your mind.”

  “Huh. Everyone always thinks they’re gonna be the Jedi and not the weak-minded fool,” he replied. “Guess we won’t be training with Yoda anytime soon. Did we do anything stupid?”

  “Stupid is such a subjective concept,” Sally said with a snicker.

  “Where the hell are my notes?” Dave asked, standing up and searching his pockets. Yep, good to know he had his priorities straight.

  “Sorry, man,” I replied. “François took them.”

  “Well, where is he?”

  I hooked a thumb over my shoulder where the still smoldering pile of ash could be seen through the trees.

  “Shit! Please tell me he didn’t...”

  “In his jacket when he went poof, I’m afraid.”

  “Goddamnit! I’m gonna have to start all over again with my samples.”

  “Yeah,” Ed interrupted. “Speaking of your notes, when were you going to tell me that I...”

  “Beloved!” a disturbingly familiar voice called to me.

  “Oh shit.”

  “Have fun, Bill,” Ed said, clapping me on the shoulder. “That’s now two you owe her in the last day alone. Good luck living that one down.”

  “I could always join François,” I whispered back.

  He gave me an unsympathetic smile and backed away as Gan came striding over with two burly guards flanking her.

  I glanced around, and more of her people stepped out of the forest. There didn’t seem to be nearly as many as earlier, but then again, that any remained at all was surprising considering the force they’d gone up against.

  Oh well, no point in delaying the inevitable. “Thanks, Gan. That’s another I owe you.”

  Gan bowed deeply before me and, when she stood, I saw a serious look upon her face. She pointed to the guard on her left. “This pitiful excuse of a warrior disobeyed my orders and fired his weapon after I had commanded him to cease.” She then indicated the other. “And this is the dog who dared wound you.”

  “Huh?” That’s when I remembered the pain in my leg when I’d run to help Tom. I glanced down and, sure enough, there was a smear of blood on my calf. Must’ve been a glancing blow because it was already healed over. Sometimes, adrenaline was an awesome thing. “Okay. Just be more careful next time, guys. I mean those vamps from Salem Coven were...”

  Gan snapped her fingers and both men drew their swords.

  “Whoa!” I held up my hands. “There’s no need to take offense. I didn’t even know them.”

  She nodded and both of her men turned their blades inward and impaled themselves through the chest with them. Both burst aflame. Their weapons and fur-lined armor clattered to the ground as the clouds of dust that had been them settled on top – not even a speck so much as touching Gan.

  “Honor has been satisfied, my love,” she said. “I beg your forgiveness and pray you are too.”

  “What, satisfied? Why the fuck would I be satisfied with that?”

  “You wish for more of my men to atone? Very well. They shall happily lay down their lives for you.”

  “No! Not what I meant!” I realized I was shouting and that every vamp in the vicinity was watching. Hell, any nearby humans dumb enough to approach the woods probably were too. I didn’t give a fuck, though. “What, don’t your people have any words for ‘I’m sorry?’ That would have been fine. I’m a simple guy to please.”

  Gan appeared puzzled by this. “I am aware that in many things you are simple.” It wasn’t too late. I could grab one of their swords and follow them. “However, you should not be in this matter. A disciplined soldier follows his commander’s orders to the letter, never deviating unless given the authority to do so. A proper commander never lets a slight go unpunished. It serves as a reminder of the consequences to the rest.”

  “You were a horrible squad commander in your ROTC group, weren’t you?”

  “R ... O...?”

  “Never mind. Yes, I’m satisfied. Honor is restored. My ancestors can rest easy and stop spitting upon me from beyond the grave.”

  Had I still lips I would gladly take over for them.

  The voice was muffled, but unmistakable – Decker.

  I turned toward Tom, from whom the insult had seemingly originated.

  “Almost forgot,” he said, pulling away from Christy for a moment. “I brought your friend.” He unshouldered the backpack he’d been wearing, unzipped it, and pulled out Decker’s skull – still spewing purple light, and definitely still an asshole.

  “The vestige of the maapamba I killed, beloved?” Gan asked, sounding far less surprised than any sane person should. “I am impressed. Such defilement of an enemy to make a fortune totem is admirable.”

  I am no totem, you murderous filth! I have seen things...

  “That’s enough, Harry,” Christy said, taking him from Tom. She danced her fingers across the top of the skull, yellow sparks escaping, and it momentarily stopped yammering.

  “Thanks, babe,” Tom said.

  I was tempted to second that, but I didn’t want to get back on Christy’s bad side. Instead, I waved everyone in – well, everyone except Gan’s people, who took to the trees to form a defensive perimeter. That was fine. I hadn’t known her servants to be the best conversationalists anyway.

  “So what the hell happened to you?” I asked Tom.

  “I could ask the same. You guys join a nudist colony or something?”

  “Never mind that. Let’s just say we had a couple of major wardrobe malfunctions and leave it at that.” I could feel Ed glance towards me, but I quickly shunted us back to my original question. “You do know we were captured by the Feet, right?”

  “I eventually figured it out,” Tom replied. “I mean, I heard you all thumping around upstairs, but I thought maybe Sally was on the rag...”

  “What?” she snapped.

  “Or something,” he quickly amended. “Anyway, I came up about an hour later and was like, ‘What the fuck happened here?’ So I stuffed all my shit into a bag and...”

  “You mean you took the time to finish robbing that place?”

  “Fuck yeah. I mean, that’s not how Indiana Jones would have played it, but that’s why he was still teaching for a living.”

  “Whatever, meatsack,” Sally prodded. “Get to the point.”

  “Well, the Feet’s footprints weren’t hard to find. So I tried following them, but then I got all confused. They were all over the fucking place, leading this way and that. So, after a while, I decided to head back to the house. That’s when I found this.” He reached into his pocket and produced the vial of de-scenting agent that Gan had loaned us. “Oh, and the note you left too. Thanks, babe.”

  I glanced at Christy.

  “I only said that I wasn’t going to use it,” she replied defensively. “When we got to the house and didn’t see him there, I left it along with instructions just in case he came back. If we missed him, I didn’t want him wandering around without at least some sort of protection.”

  I nodded. Smart, actually, and probably required her to swallow a good deal of pride to make use of something from Gan.

  “So anyway,” he continued, “I doused myself with that shit and waited around. Was kind of boring, so I started putting my outfit together – in case any vamps stopped by.”

  I gave him the once over. He’d basically made brass ... err ... plastic knuckles fr
om some action figures and tape. He’d then fashioned himself a makeshift bandolier from which the most valuable figures hung. Well, most of them anyway.

  “I see Max Adventure got the starring role in this action flick.”

  He looked down at the big-mustached figure in the center of his chest. “Yeah, I decided it was to honor my dad.”

  “Your dad is still alive.”

  “I know, but I always felt bad blowing the shit out of his.”

  “This is all remarkably fascinating,” Ed said. “But how the hell did all of this happen?” He waved his arms to indicate the chaos that had just transpired.

  “I believe I can answer that, and much more concisely than the human,” Gan said, stepping up to my side. “After the battle, we were able to track your back-scent to the domicile in question. There we found this human. At first, my men wished to kill him. The fight left them thirsty and they wished to pass him about until he was drained.”

  “I assume you put an end to that,” I replied.

  “In actuality, I was going to allow them to do as they wished. They had fought bravely and deserved it, but then I remembered your edict, my love.”

  “My edict?”

  “Yes, that I was not to harm your friends. That doing so would potentially cause you mild displeasure.”

  Sally, Ed, and Christy all turned to stare at me.

  “I’m pretty sure I put it a little more adamantly than that.”

  “If you say so, beloved,” Gan continued. “Thus, I offered to spare his life so long as he didn’t become a burden. After that, it was a minor matter to catch wind of François. The coven he compelled to his bidding were no warriors, so my people were able to track them with ease – all but invisible to you. Once it became obvious where they were headed, I summoned the human and we devised a trap.”

  Although I wasn’t particularly pleased that Gan’s idea of a trap was to pit my friend against a vampire so far out of our league that it was almost bad comedy, I found myself impressed with her foresight.