Lost at Heart: A Steamy Small Town Romance (Bluerock Series Book 2)

by Danielle Marx

  Tia was right to be angry. Sad. Scared. After everything she’d been through, it was completely understandable. She lost her best friend, almost died herself, in the one place she should feel safe. Her own home. She had every right to want to protect herself from such a tragedy again.

  “Her parents could barely look at me after. I guess they felt robbed. Who could blame them? Every time they saw my face, I could see the regret in their eyes. That silent question. ’Why wasn’t it you, Tia? Why did our girl have to die?’ I know they didn’t mean it, but you can’t blame them for thinking it every time they saw me still breathing. Lily had a family, friends, a home, a life, a future. If it had been me, the damage would have been minuscule. When Lily died, it ripped apart so many people’s lives. What a fucking waste?” She got up out of her chair and walked over to the window, looking down on the midnight parking lot.

  “Tia,” I called out, gaining back her attention. “You can’t feel guilty about that. None of that’s on you.”

  “I know.” She nodded in agreement. “It’s pointless to think that way. That’s why I came here. For her, so that I wouldn’t have to listen to it play over and over in my mind forever. And honestly, I think it’s worked. Finishing the mural for her, getting time to be out here to grieve and understand my grief, it’s really helped me. I’m healing. I can feel it. I can only hope that in time that residual guilt will wash away too.”

  “That’s good, baby. That’s the right way forward.”

  Tia rested her hands on the glass looking back out into the night. “Lily was like you, Colton. She took risks. The last one she took killed her. She shouldn’t have tried to fight. She shouldn’t have taken that risk. And now she’s dead, and I have to live with that haunting me forever. And so now, I keep my door locked, and I don’t get close to anyone because I’m not strong enough to go through all that shit again. I was born to be alone, Colton. I wasn’t built to brave this again. And I won’t watch the same happen to you.”

  Dread filled my body. I wanted to go over to her. Hold her and tell her everything would be okay. That I’d protect her and never scared her like this again. I had to do something because I knew exactly what Tia was saying. This was her goodbye.

  “Don’t do this.”

  She turned to me with all her strength, pushing through the tears. “I needed to stay. I needed to know if you were gonna live or die. I had to be here for that, no matter the outcome. And seeing you awake, you have no idea how happy that makes me, Colton. But I already made my choice. It’s done.”

  “I love you. You love me, I know you do. If you walk away from this, it’s still gonna break your heart. It’ll haunt you just the same.”

  “I can handle that. But I can’t handle the alternative. I can’t handle watching you die.”

  “What about me?” I spat out. “What about what I can handle? I mean, I should have a say in this.”

  “We come from different worlds, Colton. Different upbringings, different lives. I don’t have anyone backing my corner. I don’t have a family by my side to pick me up when you’re gone. And I know you think it’s stupid, but I’m doing what I have to to survive. That’s how I’ve always lived. I have to protect myself because no one else will. So, no. I’m sorry, but you don’t have a say in this.”

  My heart sank and my throat burnt. I was defeated. I’d lost her, and as selfish as it sounded, I wished I had never woken up at all. If I had stayed asleep at least she would have stayed by my side until they turned off the life support. Even then, I would have died a happy man, loved by my beautiful Tia. It would have been a better fate than watching her walk out of my life.

  “I meant what I said, Colton. You’re a good man. You’d make any woman happy. And you will. You can have the family and the home you want. Promise me you won’t be alone in the woods forever. Promise me you’ll move on.”

  I didn’t answer her. How could I?

  She nodded at my lack of response and walked over to me, giving me a cold kiss on the cheek. It chilled me to the bone. “Goodbye, Ranger.”

  As soon as she began walking away, I found my voice. “Don’t do this, Tia. Come on, baby. You don’t really want to do this. You know you don’t.”

  She didn’t turn around though and opened the door, walking out into the hallway with her arms wrapped around herself.

  I called out her name, louder and louder, until my wounds ripped open and I couldn’t see her anymore.

  And just like that, she was gone. My heart felt as though it had smashed into a thousand drowning pieces. I’d never felt pain like it. The nurse came running in to calm me down. I was grateful for the shot of sedatives she pumped into my hand. Anything to numb the agony of losing my girl.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Tia

  I cleared out the dresser and tossed the contents into my new travelbag. As I packed up my belongings, I made a mental note to get them to the thrift store as soon as I got back to the city. I knew I’d never be able to look at some of these outfits again, and I couldn’t even bear to pack the Bluerock sweater Colton had given me the night we met. It was still in the bottom draw, and there it would stay.

  I’d spent all night crying. It was fucking exhausting. I was never one to let my emotions take over, but I wouldn’t last the entire flight if I didn’t get some of it out.

  I kept my phone off all night too, not giving Colton a chance to pull me back. He’d almost done it yesterday, when I saw those pleading blue eyes, begging me not to break his heart. It had taken every part of me to hold my nerve and not fall back into his arms.

  The sun eventually came up. I turned my phone back on to book my flight back to New York, and called Mr Anderson to tell him I would be leaving today, now that the job was complete. He was surprised at my sudden departure but thanked me anyway. I didn’t open any of the messages waiting for me. Instead I got to work packing up my things.

  Knock, knock.

  My heart jumped as usual at the gentle knock on my cabin door.

  “Tia. You home?” It was Maddie’s voice on the other side. I had come to recognize it well these past few weeks.

  I unlocked the door, holding it open for her.

  She walked in, her shoulders slumping down when she spotted the open suitcase on the bed. “So it’s true. You’re really leaving?”

  “Did your dad send you?” I asked, tossing my shoes into the case.

  “Yeah.” She opened her purse and pulled out a white envelope. “He wanted you to have this.”

  I took it from her hand, assuming it was a check. “He said he’d pay through a bank transaction.”

  “He is, but he wanted you to have this too.”

  I opened the seal and pulled out a small thank you card. It was signed by my teenage art assistants and Mr Greer. Mr Anderson had signed the bottom too and slipped in a photograph of the finished mural. It looked stunning. Better than I could have ever imagined. Lily would have loved it.

  “Thank you,” I said, feeling the lump form back up in my throat. “It’s perfect.”

  Maddie gave me a sad smile and placed her hand on my shoulder. “You can’t go, Tia. Colton’s awake.”

  “I know. I saw him last night.”

  “You saw him? Did you tell him that you’re leaving?”

  I sunk down onto the bed, remembering his face when I said goodbye. “He knows.”

  “And?”

  I shrugged. “And nothing. I was always going to leave, Maddie. He knew that. We both did. I just couldn’t leave without knowing he was going to be okay. And he is okay. So now it’s time to go.”

  “But you can’t just up and leave,” she argued back, her voice growing high.

  “The job’s done.”

  “So? You’ll find another one. My mom wants to hire you too, remember? There’s work here for you, Tia. And what about Colton? He loves you, I’ve seen it. You two have been inseparable since my engagement party. He’s crazy about you, and don’t try to tell me you don’t feel the
same. You saved the guy’s life, for crying out loud. You can’t walk away from that.”

  She was right. Colton was right. I wasn’t an idiot. I knew everything that they said made sense and that I should stay and be with him. I’d had the same thoughts running through my mind for weeks now. But it didn’t matter anymore because I’d made my choice. I knew my reasons for walking away. I wouldn’t waste another second doubting them.

  This was for the best. I would only run away again later on down the line. This way it was a clean break. Colton would never have to see me again. He could find someone else and have the life he should have.

  This was a fling. A temporary romance that burnt bright and fast. He’d understand that one day, when he was sitting at the dinner table with his wife and kids. He’d look back and realize how much better life had gotten when Tia Lopez left his town.

  “It’s done Maddie. I’ve made my choice. There’s nothing left to say.” I placed the card in the suitcase and zipped it up.

  I stood up and saw the look of defeat on her face as reality sank in. “Okay. If you’re sure.”

  “I’m sure.”

  “I’m really gonna miss you.”As soon as the words left her mouth my chest ached.

  “I’m gonna miss you too. You’ve been so kind to me. I don’t know how to repay you for that.”

  She shook her head. “Don’t be silly. We’re friends. You don’t pay your friends back for caring.”

  She was my friend. A true friend. Before Lily, I had kept everyone at a distance. I knew people, sure, but I never called anyone a friend. After Lily, I swore I’d never gain another again. I guess that’s the funny thing about life. One minute you’re a stranger, and the next you’re a huge part of someone’s life without even knowing how it happened.

  And just like that, as if it were second nature, I hugged her. She gave me a big squeeze back, and I heard her sniff a little by my ear. When I pulled back, we both had tears in our eyes.

  Bluerock had made me more human than ever before in my whole life. I’d experienced more happiness, more love, than anywhere else. Maybe this was what home was. I didn’t cry when I left New York, but I would certainly feel the loss of this place and the people in it.

  A car beeped outside the door. It was time to go. “That’s my cab.”

  She didn’t argue. Maddie just gave my hand a supportive squeeze and nodded.

  I picked up my sketchbook from the bedside table and handed it to her. In just a few weeks, I’d managed to fill up the entire thing. “Could you do something for me? Could you give this to Colton’s sister? I want her to have it.”

  There was no way I could bear to study the sketches in that book again. Every pencil mark would break my heart, and I didn’t feel the thrift store would appreciate them as much as Shay would. Many days we had sat out in the sunshine on the picnic benches and sketched random images in our books. Many hours with my young team, enjoying art for what it was. Fun and meaningful all in one.

  Maddie took the book and held it to her chest. “Of course. I’ll drop it off on my way back.”

  I picked up my case and headed for the door, Maddie close behind. It was a different cab driver this time. He helped me load my case into the trunk with a polite smile. I turned to Maddie, giving her one last hug. “Thanks for everything. Say goodbye to Logan for me.”

  “I will. Have a safe flight, Tia.”

  I let her go and quickly climbed into the cab, trying my hardest to not break down. Taking one last look at the Rabbit Hut, I said a silent goodbye to the place I called home for the past few weeks and let the cab driver know I was ready to go.

  As we drove through the forest, back up to town, I noticed how different my views on this place had changed. Bluerock was small and out of the way, but it was personal, friendly, and warm. It had smiling faces and dumb duck jokes. Every store was loved by its owner, every home belonging to a family with a story going back generations. It was intimate and sweet, nestled in the valley of giant mountains. The biggest of all was Bluerock Ridge. It towered over the town. keeping it safe, no matter how deadly the place had proved to be.

  I’d miss it deeply.

  But it was nothing compared to the loss of Colton. My brave ranger, running around, saving anyone he could and getting back in time to finish the game on the big screen. The man with the gentle eyes who gave me my locks and my old movies. Who never hurt me or tried to silence my smart-ass remarks.

  I loved him like I’d never loved anyone, and like I would never love another. I felt him in my veins, almost as if he was a part of me. Perhaps he always would be. A permanent fixture, racing through my blood. No matter how painful a fate that sounded, it was better than not feeling him at all. I’d love that pain as I loved him. And maybe, just maybe, it would get me through this harsh life.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Colton

  The first night’s sleep in my old bed had probably been the worst of my life. At least in the hospital if I couldn’t settle, the nurse would pump me full of meds to knock me out. Here, I had to just lay down and take the insomnia. The pain, the restlessness.

  It had been three weeks since the accident. The doctors had given me the okay to return home, but I couldn’t manage the station right now. Instead, I moved back into my old bedroom at Mom and Dad’s house. Mom was over the moon to have me back under her roof, and Dad stepped out of retirement for a while to help out Carl and Patsy. I could tell he was enjoying being back out there. The smile on his face was all the proof I needed of that.

  All in all, things were looking up. Everything had gone the right way. But I didn’t give a shit about it. Not really. It didn’t matter how much my health improved or how many people offered their support. None of it mattered. I’d already lost.

  I’d lost her .

  Everyday that passed, it got harder to breathe. I tried to forget her. I tried to push it all away. Afterall, I was a lucky man. I had my life, my family, my friends. My world was perfect in comparison to some. I worked on it, trying to move on, but I couldn’t. The harder I tried, the worse it felt.

  It was different to Kim . I’d been so angry about her leaving after Spencer’s death that I never really grieved for her. The heartbreak of losing my first love was lost somewhere in the past. A sorrowful pain I’d been spared.

  But this one, fuck , did I feel it. In every bone in my damn body. No matter how hard I tried, it sank deep, making my perfect world a fucked up, grim existence.

  I changed the dressings on my wound in the bathroom and threw on some sweats. I could smell bacon, drifting up the stairs. If I didn’t make a move, Mom would do the whole breakfast in bed routine. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, but there was no way I was going to let her treat me like a baby. I followed the smell downstairs and took a seat at the dining table opposite Shay.

  “Morning,” I grumbled, wincing as the hard wood on the chair hit my tender back.

  Shay flashed me a smile but didn’t answer. She was doodling in her sketchbook with her earphones in.

  “Colton,” Mom gasped in the doorway, a plate of toast in her hand. “You should be in bed. Or on the sofa, atleast.” She slammed the plate down and ran over to the living room to collect a big cushion from Dad’s recliner. She stuffed it down the back of my chair, making sure I was comfortable. “You really shouldn’t be sitting at the table in your condition.”

  “I’m okay, Mom.”

  “Shay!” she scolded, yanking the earphones from her. “How many times do I have to tell you? No music at the table. You didn’t even notice your brother.”

  “The guy’s six feet tall, Mom,” she argued back. “He’s not exactly hard to miss. I saw him just fine.”

  Mom put her hands on her hips, staring her down. “Well, you can fix him a plate of breakfast then, can’t you?”

  Once she was back in the kitchen, Shay stuck out her tongue at the doorway and went to work piling food up onto my plate. “I don’t have to spoon feed you, do I?”
<
br />   “Only if you make aeroplane noises,” I joked back, but she didn’t laugh and gave me that signature teenage girl scowl.

  Mom rushed back in and took a seat at the table with us. “How did you sleep, Colt?”

  Awful, terrible. “Like a baby.”

  She beamed at my response and poured the coffee. “Eat up. It’s important you keep up your strength.

  My appetite hasn’t returned yet. I could only manage a piece of dry toast and a glass of water. Mom watched disapprovingly as I forced it down. Luckily, a knock at the door distracted her and she got up to answer it.

  I looked over at Shay. She was lost in her doodles again. I couldn’t help but notice how distant she had been lately. Almost as if something took over her thoughts. “You’re quiet lately.”

  “I’m fine,” she answered, with her head resting on her hand.

  “Anything you wanna talk about?” I wasn’t sure if she was still spooked about the accident or if she was pissed Tia had left. Whatever it was, I wanted to know. She was my little sister, and although I had no problem with things plaguing my mind, I didn’t want the same for her.

  Shay lifted her head up to check Mom was still away and took a deep breath before answering. “I kissed Kyle last night.”

  Shit. That was absolutely the last thing I thought would come out her mouth, and probably the last thing I wanted to hear.

  “You can’t tell Mom,” she whispered. “I’ll never hear the end of it.”

  Everything ran through my mind. The obvious big-brother-mocking, to the big-brother-concerns. But when I opened my mouth something else came out entirely. “Why would you tell me that?”

  Shay shrugged. “You asked.”