Tools of the Devil

by Barbara L. Clanton

  “And Evelyn is your step-mom?”

  “I guess so. I haven’t really thought about it. It’s all kind of confusing.”

  “What’s confusing?” William asked from behind her.

  Lisa chuckled. “Life. Life is confusing.”

  “I hear that.” William entered the row and sat next to Lisa, while Evelyn sat in the aisle seat.

  “So, please excuse my extreme ignorance,” Marlee said leaning over Lisa, “but I assume the Unitarian Universalist Church is a Christian church, so—”

  “Actually, the UU Church isn’t Christian.” William took a moment to gather his thoughts. “A UU Church is creedless.” William laughed at Marlee’s confused expression. “Other churches promote conformity among the members of the congregation.” He looked at Lisa. “Like your church, Lisa. The Presbyterians take pride in conformity, but UU churches don’t. You don’t have to be a Christian to belong. You don’t have to believe in heaven and hell. Heck, you don’t even have to believe in God. Many people here do, of course, but others don’t.”

  Lisa’s jaw dropped open. If people didn’t believe in God, then how could they call it a church?

  Evelyn leaned over William to join in the conversation. “We’re a church of diverse people. If there are a hundred UUs in a room, you’ll probably have a hundred different views on the meaning of life and spirituality. But what our church does believe in is the worth and dignity of every single person on the planet.”

  “Many call ours the liberal religion,” William added. “Whatever your beliefs, you’re welcome here. Whatever your station in life or whoever you love, you’re welcome here. We challenge you to be the best you that you can be, through love and learning from others.”

  “Wow,” Marlee sat back, “that’s an amazing philosophy. I was going to ask why you chose this church, but I get it. It’s no wonder you like coming here.”

  “Yeah, really,” Lisa added, but it was all she could add at the moment. Respect for everyone no matter who you were sounded like a truly amazing way to live. But to not necessarily have a belief in God was confusing.

  As she looked around the sanctuary, she realized there was not a single cross or depiction of Jesus anywhere. William wasn’t kidding. This was not a Christian church. She wasn’t sure if she was ready for such a big leap.

  After a welcome from one of the church leaders, an obviously flaming gay guy got up and sang a song from one of those old Broadway musicals. The congregation clapped along, but Lisa couldn’t help wondering what his performance had to do with church. It didn’t make sense in her world. After that a few children got up and shared their Skype experiences with a UU church in Kenya. That was amazing. She could totally see her sister Lynnie talking books with the kids there.

  The congregation sat and sang a few songs, but then they stood and sang a few more. Lisa couldn’t make sense of any of it, but followed along out of respect. One of the religious leaders took the stage and cleared her throat. She stood about five ten, looked to be in her early forties, and wore no make-up. Her white buttoned down shirt tucked into a pair of chinos, resplendent with a wide brown belt, made her look strong and authoritative. Lisa’s gaydar pinged. Marlee elbowed Lisa as if to say that her gaydar had gone off, too. Lisa smiled and nodded back.

  The woman looked over the congregation, section by section. “We have a wonderful turnout here today, and a few new guests. Should anyone want to introduce us to their guests, please feel free to do so at this time.” She stepped back and smiled.

  No, no, no, Lisa willed William with her mind. Don’t make introductions. Lisa cringed when he stood up to his full six foot six inch height. “I would like to introduce two young people here today with my wife and me. This is my daughter Lisa.” A few excited murmurs ran through the crowd. Oh, geez. Nothing like being outed as his illegitimate daughter in front of the entire congregation. Lisa leaned forward and waved when the congregation clapped for her. It was so weird. She hoped her smile looked genuine and didn’t betray how nervous she was. “And this is her friend Marlee.” Marlee also waved.

  Lisa willed her bio-dad to sit down, but he kept on. “They are Clarksonville High School students, and they are the pitcher and catcher from last year’s state championship softball team.” This last bit got wild cheers from the crowd, and Lisa felt her face flush even more. She smiled and nodded her thanks to the enthusiastic crowd.

  William finally sat down and shut up. Thank God.

  “I didn’t know you were going to do that,” Lisa hissed at William.

  He chuckled and said, “I didn’t want to make you nervous about it, but it’s a tradition here. And I’m proud of you. Both of you.” He reached around and managed to hug both of them with his long arm.

  Lisa’s heart felt full at that moment. Funny how that kept happening.

  After a few more guest introductions, the religious leader resumed her command at the podium. “We are all in this together on this spinning planet. Sure we walk separate paths and have different experiences. We look different from one another, like different foods, enjoy different hobbies, work at different jobs, and speak with different accents. I tell you,” she said with a laugh, “I still can’t understand my father-in-law half the time. That’s what I get for marrying a Southerner.”

  Lisa laughed with the congregation, but she was disappointed. She thought the leader was going to say she was married to a woman. Maybe this was a place where even if people knew you were gay, they didn’t talk about it.

  The leader spoke about her northern New York upbringing and how she had to face her own prejudices when she fell in love with a Southerner. She talked about meeting her future in-laws, sweating her butt off in Alabama in October, and eating weird southern food, but she had done it out of love. Soon enough she learned that these things weren’t weird, they were just different, and who was she to judge anyway?

  “In fact,” the leader said, “my wife makes the best grits and eggs in the entire North Country.”

  This also got a few laughs, but Lisa was ecstatic. Here was a charismatic church leader who was a lesbian and openly admitting it in front of her entire congregation. She couldn’t imagine anything remotely resembling that at her church. No way. Not in a million years.

  “If I had succumbed to the me-first phase or the what’s-in-it-for-me movement, then my heart may not have been opened enough for me to let that eggs-and-grits-making Southerner into my life.

  “Here at the UU of East Valley, we welcome new experiences into our lives. We want a world where we can help each other understand our differences and accept them as just that—differences. Not right. Not wrong. Just different. Variety is the spice of life, after all.”

  She wrapped up her sermon or speech or whatever it was called and then called a few more people up to the podium to give announcements.

  Once the service was over, they headed to the recreation room to share ‘coffee and camaraderie.’

  Lisa and Marlee stood off to one side of the crowded room while William and Evelyn went to get hot chocolate for all of them.

  “So what did you think?” Marlee asked. She leaned back against the paneled wall.

  “Geez, I don’t know. I’m still trying to wrap my head around it. I mean it was like, okay people, let’s have no judgey, judgey.”

  “Yeah, it was kind of like that Respect video we made at the youth alliance the other night. Live and let live, man.”

  Lisa nodded. The service had been a breath of fresh air. “It’s like they’re a society of people who think for themselves.”

  “Exactly,” Marlee said. “I’m not a church going person, but I kind of liked it. I bet Susie would like it, too, if her mother would let her go.”

  “That would be cool.”

  “Uh, oh. Incoming,” Marlee said.

  “What?” Lisa turned to see where Marlee was focused. An overweight middle-aged man with a grizzly beard was headed their way. He wore stained jeans and a faded Buffalo Bills sweatshi
rt that looked like a second skin.

  “First time here, girls?”

  Lisa cringed at his onion breath. “Yes, my father is over there.” Okay, that was lame, but she wanted him to know they weren’t alone.

  “Do you know anything about bees?” he asked.

  Lisa exchanged a glance with Marlee. Where was this going?

  “As much as the average person, I guess,” Lisa said. “Why?”

  “I’m a beekeeper. I sell honey to the co-op in town. You should check it out sometime. I’m Bernie.” He stuck out his hand. “Bernie the Bee Man.”

  Marlee reached for his hand first. “Nice to meet you, Bernie the Bee Man. So I have a question for you. Where do bees go in the winter? I mean, do they fly south like birds?” She took a couple of steps away from Lisa and luckily Bernie followed. No way. Marlee was taking one for the team. Marlee was intuitive about a lot of things, and must have known the guy was making her uneasy.

  Lisa’s phone vibrated in the pocket of her winter coat draped over her arm. She pulled it out and almost squealed out loud. It was a text from Sam wanting to know if she could call. “Marlee, it’s Sam.” She waved her phone back and forth. “I’m going to take this call, okay?” She grimaced at Marlee to say that she was sorry for leaving her alone with the Bee Man. With relief a quick glance told her that William and Evelyn were on their way back with the hot chocolates.

  “Yeah, man. Go for it. I’m learning about the competitive market for queen bees. There’s a lot of money to be made.” Marlee winked and turned her attention back to Bernie the creepy Bee Man.

  Lisa sent a quick text back to Sam that read, “Call me in two minutes.” She had seen what looked like a library in a room off to one side of the recreation room. It was empty, so she went in and shut the door behind her. The room was small, about the size of her family’s living room, and was crammed with books on the shelves lining the walls. It also had one rectangular table piled with pamphlets and magazines in the middle.

  She answered her phone on the first ring. “I miss you,” Lisa said.

  “Me, too.” Sam sounded like she was in the room next door.

  “How’s Switzerland?” Lisa looked out one of the many windows onto the packed parking lot behind the church.

  “Cold,” Sam said with a laugh. “We’ve all got jetlag, and Mother’s a little cranky, but it’ll be fine once we hit the slopes.”

  Lisa had never skied in her life, but the idea of skiing in a European country with Sam sounded romantic. Tears sprang to her eyes. “When are you coming home?” Her voice was choked with emotion.

  “Oh, baby, are you okay? What has you so upset today?”

  “Nothing. I’m just—” Lisa took a deep breath. Life really had gotten kind of confusing. “Marlee and I are here at William’s church.”

  “Marlee went, too? Awesome.”

  “Yeah, she’s a good sport. I mean, it was a good service, but it left me feeling kind of empty. Well, not completely, because the speaker was truly empowering. She is a lesbian, by the way, but the service didn’t fill my...” By this time she found herself in front of one of the bookshelves. Right in front of her was a Bible. So they actually did have Bibles. Who knew? There were other sacred religious books, too, like the Muslim Koran, the Jewish Torah, and Buddhist Scriptures. There was even a book for atheists called, Atheist Manifesto: The Case against Christianity, Judaism, and Islam.

  “What’s up, baby?” Sam said, her voice gentle.

  “This church really makes room for every kind of belief or disbelief about God, but I don’t know, the service didn’t fill my void.” Void might not have been the best word to use, but it was the best she could come up with. “I mean they didn’t quote the Bible at all.”

  “I’m sorry I’m not with you, but maybe next time, okay?”

  “Okay.” Lisa didn’t think she’d be returning to the Unitarian Universalist Church any time soon, though.

  “Guess what?” Sam said. The excitement in her voice was palpable.

  “What?”

  “Helene made it to Québec just in time because Chantal had her baby girl yesterday, and Helene’s going to help Chantal and her husband with the baby. I’m so excited for Helene. She finally has a niece.”

  “That’s awesome. Speaking of nieces, Aunt Margaret is due on Christmas day.” Aunt Margaret was William’s sister, and she lived with her wife in Massachusetts.

  “We’re going to be overrun with babies.” Sam’s enthusiasm was catching.

  “Maybe one day that’ll be me and you.”

  “Absolutely. One day. Oh, hey, Alivia texted me. She said she’s having fun getting ready for the big Bible debate.”

  More like big Bible debacle, Lisa thought sarcastically. She had no idea how she was going to defend herself against its contents. “I’m looking forward to it,” she said through gritted teeth.

  Marlee stuck her head in the room. “Hey. William and Evelyn said they want to get going. Evelyn wants to check on her pot roast in the crock pot.”

  “Two minutes,” Lisa said to Marlee. Marlee nodded and backed out of the library. “Hey, Sam, I have to go. Text me later about your skiing trip, okay?”

  “I will. And I love you,” Sam said. “I miss you, baby, but I’ll be home soon.”

  They said their goodbyes, and Lisa headed back into the rec hall.

  “Hey,” Marlee said. She had been waiting right outside the library door. “Did you know that honeybees stay in their hives over the winter? It’s so cool.” She laughed at her unintentional pun. “They form this ball inside their colony where the center is really warm, and vibrate their tiny wings to generate heat.” They headed for William and Evelyn who were waiting for them by the door.

  “Thank you, Marlee.” Lisa was grateful that she had a friend like Marlee who could help her stop obsessing about the doom and gloom in her life, like a church that hated her, a girlfriend that was far away, and an upcoming Bible debate.

  Marlee winked. Oh, yes. Marlee had known exactly what Lisa had needed at that moment.

  Chapter Eleven

  “She will bear a son, and you are to name him Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins.”— Matthew 1:21

  CHRISTMAS DAY, LISA’S favorite day of the year, had finally arrived. Santa had put up an artificial Christmas tree overnight while the kids slept, and there were presents for everyone. This was Lisa’s second year helping Santa put up the tree and stashing the presents underneath on Christmas Eve, and she loved her new role. Of course they’d all have to wait until after church to open most of them, but the kids were always allowed to open one gift from Santa before heading out to church.

  Bridget sat on the floor in her pajamas with her new box of 64 Crayola crayons. She was coloring in her new Dora the Explorer coloring book. Lawrence Jr’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle action figures were fighting each other with his help while Lynnie ran her hands lovingly down the spine of a boxed set of Little House on the Prairie books.

  “Go ahead and open yours, Lisa,” her mother urged.

  Lisa held a rectangular present in her hands that had been wrapped in Santa’s special bright red paper. “Mom, aren’t I too old for Santa gifts?” Even as she said the words, she clung tightly to the present.

  “Never. Now open it.” Her mother sat back on the couch and took a cup of fresh brewed coffee Lisa’s father brought to her.

  Lisa wondered if she and Sam would ever play out a scene like this with their own children. She smiled at the thought. Maybe it would be in Switzerland.

  Lisa carefully undid the tape in the middle and was about to ease the paper off when her father grunted in displeasure.

  “Rip it off like you mean it, Lisa bear,” he urged her on. This got the attention of the kids and they gathered around to watch.

  Lisa pulled at the paper from the middle and ripped it into pieces. She balled it up and tossed it at Lynnie who let it hit her on the arm. She obviously would rather let it hit her than drop her pr
ecious box of books.

  Lisa felt a wonderful calm take over her as she pulled the rest of the paper off. It was a Bible. Her parents, er, Santa had brought her a New Revised Standard Version Bible. It was the Bible the Presbyterian Church used. The sleek black cover and silver edged pages made the book seem so elegant. And it wasn’t heavy. Probably because of the super-thin pages.

  “Open it up and read the inscription,” her mother said.

  She opened it to one of the first inside pages. “Given to Lisa Anne Brown by Santa on this 25th day of December.” Of course, it didn’t really say Santa, it had her parents’ names, but she had to pretend for the kids’ sake.

  “Santa knew you’ve been doing some searching, so he thought you might want a Bible of your own,” her father said.

  “Santa is a wise man.” Lisa thumbed through the book until she found the book of Matthew in the New Testament and then read from it. “‘The child conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will bear a son, and you are to name him Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins.’” She smiled up at her parents. “Thank you, Mom. Thank you, Papa. Merry Christmas.”

  “Merry Christmas, Lisa,” her mother said. “We hope you find what you’re looking for.”

  “Or in the least, what you need,” her father added. “All right Brown children, it is time to get ready for church.” A collective groan came from the kids, but they each raced back to their rooms to get ready.

  The church was packed with people, and they had to park the family minivan on the side street. Her father grumbled about twice-ayear Christians as they made their way to the church. Easter Sunday would have a similar crowd, but Lisa didn’t mind. The excited energy inside the church always made Christmas and Easter special.

  Reverend Owens, even though he was kind of the enemy right now, was bright and resplendent in his Christmas robes. His sermon and the scripture readings were all about the hope that the birth of Jesus would bring to the world. Jesus was God’s son, the Messiah that would save mankind. God had been the god of the Israelites before then, but then Jesus came along to help people understand that they were all God’s children.