Pretense

by Lori Wick

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  Mackenzie cried against him, aware that her mother was hugging him from the back.

  "Are you all crying in there?" Delancey's wobbly voice came from around the corner.

  "Yes," Marrell managed, "Come in."

  "I don't want to cry on Christmas Day."

  "Well, come anyway."

  Delancey tried to hold back, but she couldn't. She had to go in, and once she saw the tears in Jack's eyes, her own would not be stopped. He hugged her on her own before trying to get his arms around all three of them. They broke apart only when the oven timer began to buzz. Jack went to turn it off but came right back. He brushed the tangled mess of hair from Marrell's face and pressed a kiss to her brow before turning to the girls.

  "Are you all right?" he asked, taking time to touch them both and smooth their hair as well.

  They nodded, not able to speak yet. It was all so new and a little strange, but exciting too. Jack had such a confident air about him. He always seemed to have an answer, and whenever they were with him, they felt safe and cared-for. Both girls had been waiting for the adults' relationship to get physical, but it never had. Now that Jack was not just touching their mother but them as well, they were strangely comforted about the future.

  "Why don't we put this meal on?" he suggested. "It's a bit early for dinner, but I'm hungry."

  No one was ready to argue with that. The gravy was made, the stuffing scooped out, the potatoes whipped, and the salad dressing finished-all toThe Sound of Musiccoming from the player in the living room. By 4:30 they were at the table, Marrell's gold bracelet in place, the girls in their necklaces, and all of them ready to eat.

  Jack prayed, and Marrell realized the way he talked to God was one of the first things she had loved about him. His prayer was confident yet reverent. At the moment he was thankful for the food and for her and the girls, but Marrell's heart had another prayer.

  Nineteen eighty-four is just around the corner. Let this be the year, Lord. LetD.J. and Mic find You this year. Maybe through Jack and his love for You, or through some way I've never thought of, but please move this year, holy Father, and save my girls.

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  February 1984

  "I don't know how you can even think about giving up your apartment, Jack. It's too much to ask."

  "Marrell-" his voice was patient without effort. He loved her and understood her fear. "I would not trade my wife and daughters for an apartment. Think about what you're saying. I'm ready to do this. Just come and look at this one."

  But Marrell was having a hard time moving from the car. It had never occurred to her that they lived so differently until she had seen his apartment. She had never had a place to herself, and now she was in a panic that Jack would not have enough space to himself.

  "You haven't seen our place except when we know you're coming," she explained. "It's like a girl's dorm most of the time- pantyhose and brassieres hanging in the bathroom to dry. Delancey and Mackenzie can be slobs if I don't keep on them."

  "This apartment has two bathrooms-one in the master bedroom for us and one in the hall for the girls."

  "Well, what if you find that it drives you crazy to share a bathroom with me? What happens then?"

  In Jack's mind that was like panicking because they were going to sleep together: ridiculous. Something else was wrong, and it had nothing to do with the bathroom. Without speaking he got out of the car, came around to her side, and opened Marrell's door.

  "Come on," he said firmly.

  Marrell did so but frowned at him.

  "We're going to go for a walk."

  Marrell thought he was marching her up to the apartment and was so surprised to find out otherwise that she didn't protest when he took her arm and led her through the cars and down the sidewalk. They walked for some time in quiet. Marrell was the one to finally speak.

  "I'm sorry I panicked back there. I'm just so sure you'll need your space, not be able to find it, and then leave the girls and me and break our hearts. After all, Jack, you have lived alone for a long time."

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  "I appreciate your caring about that, sweetheart, but I want you to make sure you're going to be all right. Is there a little corner of your mind that's afraid you won't haveyourown space? Are you afraid to live intimately with me?"

  Marrell stopped. "No, I'm not. At first I was afraid I would think of Paul, but I don't. When you kiss me or hug me, I don't think of anyone but you."

  "And how about the rest of it? Are you upset about having to share the same bed and bathroom with me? Do you feel I'm going to have expectations and be disappointed?"

  "No," she said, but she didn't sound sure even to her own ears. "I have worried a little bit about the fact that I'm not 19 anymore, but you've never made me feel anything but desirable, so I've told myself to forget that."

  "I'm glad, Marrell, because I don't want a 19-year-old. I want you. And in case you need to hear it outright, you have a wonderful figure."

  She didn't look convinced. "Clothes can cover a lot of little imperfections."

  "It's the same for men."

  That statement was very freeing for Marrell. She didn't know why she thought he wouldn't understand.

  "Marrell," he went on, "I think you'll be surprised by this place. I haven't looked at an apartment yet that fits our needs the way this does. I want you to see it. If you still want to talk about my space, we will, but I want you to see this first."

  Marrell agreed. She had run out of steam trying to explain herself. They had taken the afternoon off to look for a place, and now she was wasting it by arguing with Jack. She went willingly back to the apartment, and just as Jack hoped, was in for a surprise. It was gorgeous.

  Marrell had never seen the like. The kitchen, living room, and dining room were set up with a great-room effect. Large windows gave lots of light, and there was a huge stone fireplace in the living room. Marrell could only stare at it.

  "Come this way," Jack invited her, standing back while she went down the hall and found two nice-sized bedrooms across from each other, a bathroom next to a bedroom on the right, and a laundry room across the hall from that. Marrell did not see what Jack considered the most important feature until they got to the

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  end of the hall. He opened the master bedroom door, let her precede him, and began to speak.

  "I'm trying to start a new life with a woman who has nearly grown daughters. I believe with all my heart that it's going to work beautifully, but we need our privacy, and the girls still need to feel that they have access to us, especially you."

  Marrell took in his words even as her eyes gazed about in amazement. The bedroom had a sitting room and stairs up to where the bed would be. Also up on that level was a huge walk- in closet and bathroom.

  "If I get up and want to dress, I can go in here and shut the door. The girls can still have access to you if they need it. We can just tell them that if the hall door is shut, they should knock; otherwise, they're welcome."

  "This is why you wanted me to see this. It's perfect."

  "I think so. The girls have privacy without being too far away, and so do we."

  "It must cost a fortune."

  "About a hundred dollars more than I pay now."

  "Is your place as high as that?"

  "It has a bay view," he reminded her. She needed no other explanation.

  Marrell took another look around, checking out the closet and bath fixtures, and moved back down the hall.

  "A laundry room." She stopped and stared. "How wonderful."

  Jack smiled. He didn't have to ask her if she liked it. Her approval was written all over her face.

  "I want you and the girls to move in as soon as possible."

  "Then you're going to feel as though you're moving into our place," she countered. "That's what I wanted to get away from. You move in first."

  "Then you'll feel as though you're moving into my place. I think it's best if you three come here fi
rst."

  Marrell thought for a moment. "We'll just wait. We'll move what we can, and since the girls are going to stay with Oliver and Shay while we go away, the four of us will all sleep here the first night we're back and not before."

  Jack smiled. "Have you figured out a date?" It was something he asked her every day.

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  "Not yet, but I'll have one by the end of the week."

  Jack kissed her and told her he hoped it would be soon.

  Selecting a wedding date should have seemed like such an easy task, but there were so many associations to avoid: her birthday, Paul's birthday, the date of Paul's death in June, and if they waited for summer, the girls' birthdays and her wedding date to Paul in August.

  The decision took until the end of the week, but Marrell finally made it. They would be married May 5. May was always a busy month, but this year they would just make it work. And then they would be husband and wife.

  As they sat together and marked the day on the calendar, making little plans as they came to mind, Marrell's heart knew nothing but peace. God had blessed her beyond measure-to be loved by two men whose lives were sold out for Christ. The girls were another blessing. They hugged their mother when she told them they had set a date and laughed in delight with her when she told them the best was yet to come.

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  Twenty-Two

  January 1986

  "I want to join the Army."

  Jackand Marrell Avery looked across the table atMackenzie but didn't comment, the food on their

  plates momentarily forgotten. Delancey had been about to ask for the car so she could run to the mall, but she changed her mind, her own food ignored.

  "What made you decide that?" Jack,who was the first to find his voice, asked.

  "Well, everyone's been asking me what I'm going to do after I graduate, so I've been thinking about it a lot. Then today there was a recruiter at school. I got to talking to her, and, well, I just know this is what I want to do."

  "Your life is not your own in the Army," her mother put in. "You're a very independent person, Mic. Are you ready to have someone telling you where you can be and when, when you will stand and sit, and where you'll live?"

  "I've thought about all of that, Mom. I know it's not always easy, but if it was so bad, why did Dad stay in for more than 20 years?"

  "Because he loved it," Marrell said simply. "But you know very well that we were thinking about his leaving the service. In fact, not just thinking about it but trying to determine when. He was not willing to be away from us again, but if he had stayed in, he would have had no choice."

  Mackenzie nodded, but she still wanted to do this. It was a sudden announcement for Jack and her mother, she knew, but not sudden for her. Things had been in an upheaval before

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  Thanksgiving when her mother had started to sort through some boxes of things that had been more or less forgotten. Most were her grandmother's things and a few boxes from Jack's sisters, who, he said, were always cleaning. But some boxes held many of Delancey and Mackenzie's remembrances, and they ended up needing to go through their own paraphernalia. That's when Mackenzie found her old Army recruiting poster. She hadn't been able to get it from her mind.

  "Where would you go?" Delancey asked.

  "I'm not sure right now. All those details will come out later when I join."

  Both adults caught the fact that she saidwhenand notif.

  "How long have you been thinking of this, Mic?" Jack wanted to know. "This isn't the type of thing you do on a whim."

  "It's been on my mind for a few months," she admitted. "I even had a chance to talk with Trina's mom one day after basketball practice. She was a WAC, and she said she wouldn't trade those years for anything."

  Marrell forced herself not to look at her husband. They didn't have anything going on tonight, so she would have plenty of time to vent her spleen in the privacy of their room.

  "Are you still going to the mall?" Mackenzie suddenly asked her sister with a maddening change of subject.

  "I want to."

  "I'll go with you."

  "All right," Delancey agreed, pleased to have company and even to let Mackenzie drive.

  "How long will you be gone?" their stepfather asked.

  "Well, it closes at 9:00 and we'll come right home."

  "All right. Whose night is it for dishes?"

  Marrell almost volunteered for duty but stopped herself. She needed to stay controlled, and if the girls left right now, she would be crying within seconds of their leaving.

  "I think mine," Delancey spoke up. Jack studied her serious eyes and knew she was thinking about her sister's announcement.

  They all helped clear the table, as was their pattern, but then each wandered off on his own pursuit. Jack wanted to be near Marrell but held off until the girls left, moving to the bedroom instead. Mackenzie went to her room to get ready to go, and

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  Marrell headed to the living room to try and get her mind into a magazine article she had been reading. The idea didn't work, but it gave her time to think.

  I'm not ready for this, Lord, and I thought I was. I've known for so long that she would grow up and leave me, but now that it's here, I'm stunned. Would it be easier if I knew that she was taking You along? I don't know. And D.J.-her face was as shocked as mine. Mic has been bringing home college information but not doing anything about it. I thought she was headed to the junior college. She could end up anywhere and be gone for months at a time. Last Christmas might have been the last one with her for who knows how many years. She'll take her leave where she wants to, and it might not be here. I can hardly stand the thought of saying goodbye.

  "Goodbye, Mom." Delancey was suddenly beside her, bending low to kiss her cheek. Mackenzie was right behind her.

  "Have fun," Marrell said sincerely.

  "Okay. Did you want me to look for that cookbook you wanted, Mom?" Mackenzie asked.

  "Sure. If you spot it, let me know."

  "Okay. 'Bye."

  Marrell waved, waited for the door to close, and then put the magazine aside. Jack was with her just moments later.

  "It's a lot of things living with Mackenzie, but boring isn't one of them." Jack's humor was still in place.

  "I'm still in shock," Marrell admitted. "I was prepared to have her go away, even live on campus somewhere, but this never entered my mind."

  "I suppose it's ridiculous to think that she might not get in."

  Marrell's look was telling. "She's a picture of health, drug free, and one of the most driven and mentally strong people I've ever known. She's her father's child from the toes up."

  Jack had little to say to that. "I could hardly look at Delancey. I think she's utterly crushed. Do you think they will talk about it?"

  "IfD.J.has anything to say about it, they will. Left up to Mic, it wouldn't happen. But Delancey needs to talk about everything."

  The Bishop girls were a remarkable blend of contrasts and mixtures. With her blond hair and blue eyes, Delancey had her mother's coloring, but her figure, the willowy length of her, was

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  all from Paul's side of the family. Mackenzie had her father's coloring, the dark hair and unusual gray-green eyes, but the curves that filled out jeans and sweatshirts were her mother's all the way. Both were attractive, but Delancey was a beauty, catching the eye of most who saw her. She also laughed easier. Mackenzie was usually the one to make her laugh, and there was often a glint of humor in her eye that warned Marrell she was about to say or do something outrageous. But from all outward appearances, Mackenzie had the more serious nature.

  Mackenzie could go for days without talking about a problem, and no one would be the wiser. With Delancey, Marrell knew within minutes or hours if something was wrong. Delancey could not let an upset or an argument go unsettled. Mackenzie could walk away from a fight, even believing she was right, and never mention it again.

  "What are you thinking?" Jack
asked the woman he loved.

  Marrell smiled at him. "About how different they are."

  Jack laughed.

  "What?"

  "I was just going over how much they're alike."

  "Like what?"

  "Both so creative, and when they love, they love with their whole hearts. I mean, D.J. tends to say the words more often, but Mic is never afraid to hug me or put her arm around you. And their love for Shay and Oliver's kids is so special. They're both nuts about Jana and can't get enough of her brother Josh. They're still very protective of you and even me to a point. Both are good athletes and students." Jack finished and looked at her.

  "I guess I was thinking more of their looks and personalities."

  Jack nodded. There was no denying the differences there. A moment later he rose from the chair, started a fire, and joined Marrell on the couch. She fit so nicely under his arm and always smelled so good. He said as much.

  "It's that new cologne you gave me for Christmas."

  "I must have very good taste."

  Marrell kissed his cheek. "I don't want to overreact, Jackson, but this is a big step on her part."

  "Yes, it is, but I do have one question for you."

  "What's that?"

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  "How good of a soldier would she be?"

  Marrell could only stare at him, and Jack smiled tenderly at her.

  "You need to let her be who she is, sweetheart, even if it breaks your heart."

  Tears filled her eyes. "I think it might."

  Jack hugged her close and didn't ask any more questions. He was sure there was much more on Marrell's mind, as there was on his own, but for the moment, he didn't ask.

  "You'll have to wear that ugly green," Delancey now said, and Mackenzie laughed. "And the pants are always so baggy. They won't do a thing for your figure. You'll look gross, Mic, and we both know it."

  It wasn't like Delancey to be so comical, but at the moment Mackenzie couldn't speak for laughing. The conversation hadn't started out so lightly. Delancey had flat-out told her sister that she was being ridiculous and to stay home. When Mackenzie didn't answer, Delancey got angry. But before they actually gained the mall entrance, Delancey had apologized and asked her sister if she was really going to go.