Pretense

by Lori Wick

  "Yes, I am. I know it seems sudden for everyone, but I feel very good about this. I want you to be happy and excited for me, D.J., and try to put yourself in my place. In just a year, you'll be in your last semester of high school and wanting to get out and do something too."

  Delancey hadn't answered, and in order to cope with her emotions, she had taken a page from Mackenzie's book and started to joke. If she hadn't, she might have cried in the mall.

  "Well, there is one great advantage," Delancey finally said.

  "What's that?"

  "How does the song go? 'A million handsome guys with longing in their eyes.'"

  "Leave it to you to think of that."

  "Don't tell me you haven't."

  Mackenzie only smiled, but in truth, the men who might be joining with her, or any male commanding officers she would encounter, were the last thing on her mind. If she had really been pressed to answer, she wouldn't have been able to say exactly

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  why she wanted to join the Army. Her father had done it, but beyond that, she only wanted a change. She loved Jack and her mother, but she was ready to get out and do something on her own. The pictures in the brochure looked wonderful. Mackenzie was wise enough to know that it wasn't all fun and games, but her father had seen some of the world while stationed in Germany, Korea, and various parts of the United States. Mackenzie wanted that same opportunity to travel and see the world.

  Wrapped up with their own thoughts, both girls wandered through Stonestown Mall, not really looking at anything in particular. Delancey tried on a jacket, and they both had ice cream before leaving, but it wasn't long before they were on their way home.

  In the living room of the apartment, Jack was watching television and their mother's nose was buried in a crossword puzzle. The four talked for a few minutes, and Delancey even joined Jack in front of the television, but it wasn't long before Mackenzie headed to her room. Marrell wasn't far behind her.

  "May I come in?" the older woman asked after she knocked on the doorjamb.

  "Sure."

  Marrell found Mackenzie lying backonher pillows, but her eyes were wide open. She had a book close by, but it wasn't open. Marrell came in and sat on the chair. For a moment she only stared at her daughter.

  "I love you. You do know that, don't you, Mic?"

  Mackenzie smiled. "Yeah. I love you too, Mom. Are you upset about the Army?"

  "I was at first, but I know what a good soldier you'll be, Mic, so that's not my reservation."

  "What is it then?"

  "A few things. The distance is a big factor. It's hard to think of you being so far away."

  Mackenzie nodded, but then Marrell opted to be as honest with her daughter as she always had been."The hardest part is the spiritual aspect, but I know I'd be feeling that way no matter where you went."

  Mackenzie did not immediately reply, but it wasn't because she didn't know to what her mother referred. It was merely

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  something she didn't feel she needed. She clearly remembered the day her father had come home from Germany and explained his salvation experience to them, and then just after that at the cabin in Tahoe when her mother had come to the same conclusion.

  In conversations she'd had with Jack and her mother over the years, they had told her that her choice not to believe was rebellion against God. Mackenzie didn't agree. She wasn't saying anything against God, she just knew she didn't need Him the way her mother and Jack did.

  "I know what you're going to say, Mom," Mackenzie said softly. "I know you're going to tell me that I'm rebelling and that I need to turn to God."

  "Actually I wasn't," Marrell stated honestly. "I just wanted you to know that I'm praying for you and to tell you one other thing. No matter where you go, Mic, be it here in the States or overseas, God is there. That might sound like an obvious thing, but I still wanted to say it. You might find yourself very alone and very far from home at some point. God can be found everywhere, Mic. Don't ever forget that."

  "Thanks, Mom. Is Jack upset about this?"

  "No. In fact, he's the one who reminded me what a good soldier you'll be. His words helped me a lot. The Army needs good enlisted personnel on whom they can depend. I have no doubt that no matter what area you end up in, you'll be one of the finest in your rank."

  "Thank you, Mom," she said softly, her heart filling with warmth.

  Marrell's words did a world of good for Mackenzie. She wasn't uncertain about her decision, but it wasn't something she wanted to do with everyone frowning at her. She knew her sister had covered her own feelings with jokes and laughter. Indeed, when the time came, it would be hard to leave everyone. But the excitement of this venture outweighed any fear of the unknown or the ache of separation.

  "Are you doing this for your dad, Micki?" her mother suddenly asked.

  Mackenzie's head tipped to one side. "Yes and no. I mean, I'm doing it for me, but I would want Dad to be proud of me."

  "He always was."

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  "Yeah." Mackenzie's voice was soft with remembrance. "I still miss him."

  "I know what you mean. It won't be four years until June, but it feels so much longer."

  "I dreamed about him the other night. It was weird because he was here in this apartment, and of course he never was. Jack was even a part of the dream, which was really strange."

  "But not all that surprising. After all, Mic, they're two men who have played key roles in your life. Did it keep you awake or bother you?"

  "No, I didn't remember it until morning, and then I didn't think of it again until just now."

  Marrell nodded but then realized she'd gotten slightly off course. "Mackenzie, I need to ask you something that might seem clear to you, but I want to be sure I've got this right."

  "Okay."

  "Are you definite about the Army, or are you still thinking?"

  "I'm definite."

  "Okay," Marrell said softly. Having expected this, she wasn't upset. "What's the next step?"

  "A trip to the recruiter's office to start the paperwork and physical."

  Marrell nodded. "I trust you'll keep us informed?"

  "Yes. They strongly encourage the family's involvement, and because I'm not 18 yet, I would need you along anyhow." Mackenzie stopped for a moment, her mind working. "Mom, do you want to tell me no? Do you wish I was still a kid so you could just put your foot down and say, 'Absolutely not'?"

  "In the first few seconds I did, but right now I honestly don't wish that. I can't say that I'm used to the idea yet, but I wouldn't want to forbid you even if I could. I know you'll have tremendous opportunities in the Army-chances you wouldn't have in college-but as I said at the table, your life will not be your own, and I wonder how you'll do with that."

  "I guess I'll find out," Mackenzie said softly. Marrell thought it was a good note to end on.

  "I'd better let you get some sleep. If you don't graduate, you won't be going anywhere."

  Mackenzie smiled at her. Marrell came close to hug and kiss her goodnight before joining Jack in the living room. He was still

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  engrossed in the TV special, so she sat quietly beside him. Thinking of the evening and how swiftly life could change, her mind drifted far and wide. It was a great surprise to have Jack touch her arm.

  "Did I fall asleep?"

  "About 20 minutes ago. Why don't we head to bed?"

  "Okay. I didn't kiss D.J."

  "She kissed me and told me to give one to you."

  Marrell nodded and Jack kissed her, but she was too groggy to respond. She came to her feet and realized that the television was off. Jack's hand was at her back as they moved down the hall, and with little preparation for bed, Marrell climbed beneath the covers, still trying to work out why she felt so spent. It was morning before she fully remembered that her oldest daughter was joining the Army.

  March

  "You would think I'd be used to this," Marrell commented softly to Jack a
s they followed the girls into the recruiting office.

  "This is not your husband, Marrell. It's your daughter, and it's not going to feel the same. As you reminded me, you weren't around to experience any of this firsthand."

  Marrell nodded and reached for his hand as they continued down the hallway. She had not met Paul Bishop until he was an officer. He had certainly told her about his training and all the places he'd been stationed, but it wasn't like living through it with her daughter.

  "Mackenzie, come in," Sergeant Clare Wallace said as soon as she saw her new recruit.

  "Hello, Sergeant Wallace. I want to introduce you to my family. This is my mother, Marrell Avery, my stepfather, Jack Avery, and my sister, Delancey."

  "It's a pleasure to meet you," she said as she shook their hands. "Please have a seat."

  There was no missing Mackenzie's excitement. She didn't even let her back rest against the chair.

  "Well, Mackenzie, have you and your family read over the pamphlets I gave you?"

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  "Yes, we've read everything, and I did write down some questions. My mom did too."

  "Okay. Let's go over them."

  The questions were standard fare for Sergeant Wallace. Where was basic training? When would Mackenzie join? How would she get to the training base? How long would it be before she qualified for leave? Did she need to join for a certain amount of time right now, or could that decision wait for a while? And on it went. The sergeant answered everything they asked and more, and when they ran out of subjects, she had questions for Mackenzie.

  "There is something important I want you to understand, Mackenzie. A fact many people miss is that while the Army needs capable men and women who can perform their jobs with competence, it's also true that the Army has something special for you. It's important that I know about your interests and strengths."

  Having read this in the brochures, Mackenzie only nodded.

  Sergeant Wallace asked her about her hobbies and even more personal things, such as whether she had a boyfriend, what type of grades she got, and if she'd ever been in trouble with the police. It took quite awhile, and interspersed with all of the sergeant's queries were more questions from Mackenzie, her mother, and Jack.

  "At this point, Mackenzie," the Army recruiter said after almost two hours of interview, "you need to tell me what you want to do. You are welcome to go home and think about your decision and discuss it with your family. Or do you want me to start scheduling appointments for your aptitude test and physical exam?"

  Mackenzie looked over at her mother and Jack.

  Marrell smiled at her, and Jack said, "If this is what you want, Mic, your mother and I will support you."

  She smiled at them before turning back to Clare Wallace.

  "Please schedule the exams."

  "I'll do it. Because you won't be 18 until June,you'll be entering the DEP, which is the Delayed Entry Program I spoke with you about. We'll get everything else out of the way so that when the time comes you can proceed as smoothly as possible."

  Again, all Mackenzie could do was nod. They were at the office for another 30 minutes with the scheduling. Mackenzie was quiet on the way out to the car, but she was thinking. A number of things could block her chances, but she was confident of her grades and athletic ability. She hadn't said much about her

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  father being in the Army, even though the sergeant had asked why she wanted to join. But right now her father was heavy on her heart. Mackenzie would have loved some time alone just to think about him, but at the moment someone else needed her.

  "Are you all right,D.J.?" Mackenzie asked after Jack started the car and began to drive home. There was no missing the younger girl's tears.

  "I don't know. I just can't believe you're going. I'm not mad or anything. It's just so strange."

  Mackenzie nodded, and the adults in the front seat said nothing. "You know," the older girl said softy, "it's not as if I can't come home, or you can't come to see me. You could visit me, D.J. It's not the same, I know, but we can still talk on the phone and write and stuff."

  Delancey looked over at her. "Do you remember when we were all set to go get Dad at the airport, and he came in early and was there in the morning?"

  "Yeah. That was fun."

  "You could do that, couldn't you? Fly in and surprise us?"

  "I could, yes. In fact, military personal get a discount."

  The short conversation seemed to help for the moment. The girls fell silent, but it wasn't an uncomfortable lull. Jack thought that lunch out might be a nice treat, but he hadn't counted on Marrell's reaction. One look at her profile told him that she wasn't so at ease. He kept his mouth shut and drove straight home.

  "You do know that she's searching, don't you, Jack? It's so clear!"

  Jack watched his pacing wife but didn't comment. The girls were in front of a video with a huge bowl of popcorn, and husband and wife had retreated to the bedroom.

  "She's just like me-so stubborn and headstrong. If only God would get a hold of her."

  "Do you want me to answer any of this or just listen?"

  The deep, quiet tone of her husband's voice stopped all movement. Marrell came over to drop into a chair across from him.

  "What would you say?"

  "I would say that if she's so much like you were before you came to Christ, then you know exactly how to pray. I would say

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  that if you remember what it's like, then you know very well that all the talking in the world isn't going to change anything. She has to do this on her own, and just like you at one point, she doesn't believe she needs a Savior right now."

  He was right, of course, and for a moment Marrell only looked at him.

  "It's true," she confessed. "Shay came to Christ, and I just thought she was off on another tangent. I was certain it wasn't for me. Then the hole inside of me-the one that seemed impossible to fill-got so big that I couldn't push it away."

  "Sounds to me like you know just how to pray," Jack told her. "And if you think that getting mad at her or the Lord will help, you're in for double the pain."

  "I have been angry. At times I've been furious. I would have said it was with Mackenzie, but we both know better."

  "God can take your anger, honey. He can handle it. I'm glad you're not shutting Mic out or acting cold toward her, but at the same time, you need to see the anger as a sinful response. You're just a little quieter these days, and that's fine, as long as you're not simmering with anger."

  Marrell nodded.

  "Take all the time you can with her, Marrell," Jack advised. "When someone leaves home and breaks your heart in the process, there's a strong temptation to wall up your heart so it won't hurt so much. Don't do it. Enjoy your daughter and love her with all your heart. I'm not saying that because I don't think you'll see her again, but when a child leaves home, it's never quite the same. It might be better, but no matter what, your role will change. Mackenzie doesn't need a mother so much as she needs a friend. Be that friend to her."

  As if Jack had called her, Mackenzie knocked and stuck her head in the door.

  "Mom, we've got the movie paused at your favorite part- you know, where Tevye gives Tzeitel permission to marry Motel, and they sing that song in the woods. Come watch."

  "I'll be right there."

  Mackenzie disappeared, and Marrell came to her feet and went to Jack. She leaned over and kissed him.

  "Thank you," she said softly before walking out to join her daughters.

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  Twenty-Three

  Fort Leonard Wood Waynesville, Missouri August 1986

  Mackenzie could not remember how she'd gottenthere or even what her legs felt like. She hadbeen so excited to join. She had volunteered- no one had forced her-and now they were trying to kill her. She didn't know when she had felt such pain. Her legs and feet were throbbing, and the heat and bugs were enough to send her screaming into the night. She wouldn't, of course-not because
she was afraid of the repercussions, but because it was too painful to stand.

  At least the day is over,she thought, her body a mass of aches.lean sleep.But it wasn't that easy when she was two weeks away from home and in a strange bed. Only a week and a half of actual training had taken place, but it felt as though she'd been gone forever. She could still see Delancey's tear-filled eyes and her mother's wobbly smile. Jack's hug had been especially warm, and at the moment Mackenzie couldn't remember why she had left.

  You'll have to wear that ugly green. You'll look gross, Mic, and we both know it.

  Delancey's words from so long ago leapt into her mind. Mackenzie wanted to laugh, but a small sob broke in her throat. Sore as she was, the young Army recruit managed to turn over so that her cries could be muffled by her pillow.

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  Mackenzie woke up with Jack on her mind. It was the first Sunday in September, his forty-fourth birthday. She wished she could have seen him, or at least talked with him or been a part of the party they were sure to have with Oliver, Shay, and the kids. Mackenzie realized at the same time that things did not look quite as grim as they had. She received word from her mother every week, twice from Jack, and from Delancey every other day. Mackenzie had actually found time to write a letter herself, and she now made plans to walk to the base post office to mail it. She didn't have to. She could put the envelope in the mailbox outside her barracks, but she had three hours before she had to report for inspection and opted to get out for a time.

  The next day started her fifth week of training, so she didn't want to overdo. Still, she could already feel a difference in herself. Some of her platoon mates had been quite sedentary before they joined, and they were still feeling pretty sore, but Mackenzie had a very active lifestyle. Indeed, just before she had graduated, she'd gone to state with several other girls on the 4 x 200 relay team. They hadn't won, but not one girl was ashamed of the second-place medals they all received.

  "Hey, Mackenzie!" a voice called from behind her. She turned to see one of the women from the barracks rushing her way. Kim Rivers, a petite blond, caught up with her and fell into step.