Green Planet

by Anthony E. Southby

  ‘It’s green! It’s green!’ he bellowed, clutching at the end of his garment and breaking out into hysterical fits of laughter.

  ‘Green-is-clean, Green-is-clean,

  If-you-know-what-I-mean,

  You-can-touch-it-hold-it,

  The-colour-can-be-seen,

  Just-one-colour-on-the-television-screen.’

  Chimzen sang his forced rhyme to the tune of “This old Man”, and fell over backwards onto the Malco board, chuckling his head off.

  Fortunately for him, his previous spell had already taken care of all the rose-violators, except for the unexpected Nigerian violet marijuana fumes. However, the Malco trio were absolutely horrified, having no clue what had suddenly got into their master.

  ‘Giddy up horsey, giddy up,’ he yelled, sitting up and slapping the Malco board like a spoilt five-year old child mounting a golden Retriever and spanking it for a ride.

  Zen reluctantly gave the order to proceed, faithfully obedient to his master’s orders.

  ‘Zen! Our master is in no way fit to give orders!’ Zip protested, tugging her corner frantically in the opposite direction. Chimzen was standing up by then, jumping up and down like a little boy demanding a ride on the big wheel at the funfair.

  ‘Up-and-away-superboard! Up-and-away!’

  ‘We must take him down Zen, before he does something crazy!’ Zip cried.

  ‘I think you’re right Zip; let’s go down, he’s raving mad.’

  Chimzen’s eyes were spiralling with madness; he believed that he was invincible, and no one was going to spoil his fun, least of all a few pesky hoverboard balls. The raving wizard mounted his staff like a witch on a broomstick, shredding his robe as he forced it between his legs in an irrational hurry.

  ‘To the heavens and beyond!’ he screamed, shaking one arm in the air and laughing with chaotic enthusiasm. ‘I–can-fly-so-so-high-just-like-a-butter-bye-bye!’

  With that final triumphant tune, he took a blind leap of insanity over the edge of the Malco board, clutching tightly onto his magical broomstick. Unfortunately, as much as he believed it in his ill frame of mind, there was no way that he was going to defy the laws of gravity.

  ‘Wheeeeeeee!’ he cried in absolute delight, plummeting towards the earth like a sack of potatoes, absolutely blind to the consequences of his actions. His beard and hair flapped wildly up over his head as he rocketed downwards. He was completely convinced that he was soaring over the valley like the wicked little witch, and cackled to himself in psychotic delight.

  Without a single word, the Malco board flung over and accelerated rapidly after the delirious wizard, desperately trying to break his fall before he plummeted to a sticky end. Fortunately they had been flying high, allowing the trio time to gain on his rapid descent.

  He noticed the swiftly approaching Malco board, and shooed them away like a swarm of menacing flies. They swung level beneath him with calculated accuracy, maintaining their dropping speed to break his fall as slowly as possible. To the trio’s absolute horror, he landed feet first and shot back into the air like a blasted cannon ball.

  ‘Oh no Zip, we forgot about the magic jumping ointment on master’s feet!’ Zen cried in dismay. ‘Wheeeee! Now I can really fly!’ he cried, overwhelmed with exhilarating insanity, rocketing straight up like the Apollo Seven. ‘I-am-the-master-of-the-universe! Ha-ha!’

  The panic-stricken trio launched to their master’s rescue. They had come up with a plan; although very dangerous, it was their only hope of saving him.

  The wizard finally exhausted his jumping ointment steam, and promptly resumed his downward plunge. To his absolute raving disgust, he plummeted downwards like a ten ton rock with his robe fluttering over his head like a shredded parachute, exposing his moon and star painted wizard undergarments. The trio reached him with lightning speed. To prevent his feet from touching the board, they approached, using a dangerous calculated side sweep.

  ‘Careful Zen!’

  ‘I’m always careful Zip!’ he yelled, homing in swiftly yet cautiously with his corner of the platform. Contrary to Chimzen’s wishes of flying his faithful staff to Never-Never Land, his mission came to an abrupt halt as the Malco board swooped in tactfully from the side. They gently connected his calf muscles, shoving him over backwards, and forcing him onto his rear end with his staff jammed brutally between. The combined shock of the fall, and the overpowering drug trip left him lying out cold in the most undignified manner.

  * * * * * * * *

  ‘Are you ready, Lily Madonna?’ Azor bellowed, commencing eagerly with phase two of the deadly onslaught.

  ‘Ready Azor!’ she yelled, sounding much like the great English queen giving her approval for commencement of war. The two evil fairies began chanting together to complete the final spell of attack:

  ‘Sweet-smelling jasmine flower,’

  ‘Trumpet lily, soft yellow probing power,’

  ‘Let my sweet-scented oval wreath combine with thee,’

  ‘A deadly pollen sting encased with flying petals, see,’

  ‘My jasmine wreath lashing its victim like a deadly whip,’

  ‘My stinging lily killer bee probe, the enemy of life will strip,’

  ‘Generate potent floral death by the million,’

  ‘Stinging and whipping to your oblivion.’

  With those words the two fairies’ headpieces sprouted to life, erupting into thousands upon thousands of angry lily flowers and long intertwined jasmine wreaths. The probing yellow trumpet lily centre formed the back end of the deadly petalled creature, anxiously twitching from left to right in eagerness to cause vicious bodily harm. Each buzzing lily flower grouped up with a single oval jasmine wreath that spun around it like a hula hoop, in a strange irregular motion.

  Finally, Azor yelled to the anxious swarm of dangerous flowers:

  ‘Lashing wreath and deadly trumpet lily!

  Seek out the great wizard!

  Whip and sting him silly!’

  She pointed her tiny fairy finger of authority in Chimzen’s direction, and watched with a scaly grin while thousands of deadly lily-whips buzzed off in furious obedience to her wicked instruction.

  Paulina sat on the grass with a naughty smile on her face, nibbling at a daisy petal.

  ‘Ya mun, dut wizurd be so stoned, he won’t know wut hit him mun,’ she chuckled, rolling over on her back in delight.

  ‘You’re right about that Paulina,’ Azor sniggered, waving her little hand up and down while the endless frantic flower swarm buzzed past. ‘He’s a dead wizard, that is for sure.’

  * * * * * * * *

  ‘What’s that, Zip?’ Zen wondered, noticing a large green and white coloured haze approach rapidly in the distance.

  ‘I have no idea,’ she replied shortly, more preoccupied with her master’s wellbeing.

  ‘I think it’s another attack Zip,’ Zen squeaked, sounding more desperate this time. ‘We had better get him to the ground as quickly as possible, before it’s too late.’

  ‘Let’s move it!’ Zet yelled, suddenly overwhelmed with panic.

  The Malco board hovered cautiously towards the ground, keeping as level as possible, to ensure the safety of their precious master. The lily-whips were approaching at an incredible speed, with twice the magical potency of the rose-violators. In a matter of seconds the swarming flower fiends were upon the unsuspecting trio and the completely KO’d wizard.

  ‘We need to drop faster!’ Zen yelled, horrified by the sudden lily-whip arrival.

  ‘I see what you mean,’ Zip squeaked in surprise, not realizing the extent of danger up until then.

  The Malcos began increasing their falling speed, desperate to escape the approaching danger. Due to sudden panic they became somewhat careless with their load, jolting the unconscious wizard like an army patient lying in the back of a hospital jeep encountering rough terrain. The anxious Malco board finally touched ground. What seemed to take a long time took only a few painful seconds.

&n
bsp; Chimzen’s head slammed on the hoverboard with a thump, and he lay there completely motionless as if he were already dead. Unfortunately it was too late; even though he may not have been aware of it, he was surrounded by thousands of raging lily-whips.

  ‘What are we going to do?’ Zip cried, feeling desperate yet helpless.

  ‘Malcos, we must attack!’ Zet yelled with enthusiastic confidence.

  Within a second they disengaged hoverboard formation, and released Chimzen onto a thick patch of green grass below, allowing him to continue with his seemingly undisturbed sleep. He fell onto his back with his staff still wedged firmly in place. Tufts of mangled white hair were wrapped around his face and neck, and his long beard covered his nose and mouth, all puffed up like a petrified Persian cat. He was consumed by a deep drugged sleep, and looked very much like the undisrupted Rip van Winkle, still sleeping after one hundred years.

  Several of the nasty stinging flowers were upon him like a swarm of flies on cow manure, stinging him repeatedly on the face and hands. At the same time, the jasmine whips disengaged and began administering repeated lashes to his body, whipping the tender skin beneath his silk robe. It was quite a horrible sight to see. I mean how can you beat a man while he’s down? Even with all the beating and stinging the drugged wizard didn’t bat an eyelid.

  The trio spun into action, instantly shaping into scorching balls of coal. They zipped back and forth to destroy the lily-whip invaders. The air came alive with the familiar smell of scorched petals and boiling plant sap, as hundreds of feisty plants were incinerated at a roll.

  ‘This plan isn’t working guys!’ Zip cried in desperation. ‘There are just too many of them!’

  ‘Well, what else can we do?’ Zen answered in frustration.

  Zen suddenly spun off, firing several precise laser beams in all directions, in a desperate effort to gain control over the endless masses of lily-whips. Several tiny red beams launched towards the determined petalled predators, severing them into tiny pieces of scorched plant matter.

  ‘Where are you going, Zet?’ Zip screamed, left to battle the swarming attackers all by herself. ‘Are you guys mad, leaving me here all by myself?’

  ‘Don’t worry, I’ll be back!’ Zet yelled, completely unheard over the deafening drone. The swarming lily-whips were like an enormous blasting sandstorm, taking dominion by sheer numbers. Zip was starting to panic, left alone to overpower the tremendous onslaught.

  If Chimzen took any more of the deadly stings, he would most surely never wake from his deep drugged sleep. The determined jasmine whips began lashing Zip, moving her aside at their own kamikaze peril, forcing the gap wider for the lily flowers to administer more nasty stings. Zip retaliated, glowing even brighter, rocketing back and forth to save her master, no matter what the cost. Zet had come up with a saving plan, and needed the other two Malcos in order to fulfil it.

  ‘Come back Zen, you are wasting time!’ Zet squeaked, finding his fellow ball engaged in overwhelming warfare.

  ‘What is it Zet?’ he yelled.

  In a second, the two balls returned to Chimzen’s side and quickly explained things to an angry Zip. The trio bounced to the side and lay in perfect triangular formation. They projected beams up to a point, which spread outwards into a fine wall of laser beams, creating a deadly protection shield around the sleeping wizard. Unfortunately a few lily-whips were trapped on the inside of the laser shield, stinging and lashing him with fury.

  ‘Down beams!’ Zen squeaked in fright. At once the Malcos lowered the top point of the pyramid’s force field, reducing the laser shield until it almost scorched Chimzen’s large pointed nose. The remaining lily-whips flew backwards in fright, and were instantly frazzled into bits of nothing in an effort to escape the lowered laser shield. The Malcos immediately raised the point of the dangerous shield in fear of harming their precious master. The remaining several thousand lily-whips launched forward, attacking the wizard in blind obedience to the flower fairies’ destructive spell. In a matter of minutes every last lily-whip viper plunged to its death, disappearing into the powerful laser shield, leaving behind nothing but a short-lived, insignificant trail of smoke.

  ‘If I commanded you to jump into the fire, would you do it Zip?’ Zen asked, giving a squeaky chuckle.

  ‘Well, even if I was dumb enough to do it Zen, fire can’t harm us anyway.’

  ‘So true, but you know what I mean?’

  Chimzen remained in a deep sleep, gone to that world and very far gone to ours. The trio held up the shield of protection while he lay snoring his head off, just in case there were any more nasty surprises still to come.

  Chapter 20

  ‘I’m completely stuffed,’ Philip complained, clutching his aching belly. ‘A good sleep is all I need, and I’ll be as good as new.’

  ‘I agree,’ Frank answered, lying back on a pile of sweetly-scented petals, and yawning out loud.

  The boys lay back with heavy eyelids and bulging bellies. In a short while they both drifted into a deep and much needed sleep.

  An hour or so had passed and long rays of golden sunlight streamed through the peaceful fern leaf abode, the perfect environment for a tranquil and pleasant sleep. All was dead quiet except for the low-pitched snoring sounds coming from Frank and Philip.

  The Parrot plant had also been sleeping up until then, and gently stirred, shuffling its giant plant beak from left to right. Then quite suddenly the colourful parrot beak snapped open and began singing in a deep, blood-curdling, heavy metal yell, something most unexpected from a pot plant:

  ‘Blackened is the end!

  Winter it will send!

  Throwing all you see!

  Into obscurity!’ Metallica

  Frank and Philip sat up in shock, shaken violently from a deep sleep. The parrot plant stopped yelling his metal tune for a moment, popping his beak closed as if surprised that he had actually woken them. Frank turned to face it, looking a bit disorientated, and scowled in anger.

  ‘How dare you wake us up, you multicoloured talking pansy!’ he barked, wiping his sleepy eyes as he stumbled to his feet.

  ‘How dare you wake us up, you multicoloured talking pansy!’ the plant echoed in parrot fashion reply.

  ‘This is not a nightclub; can’t you see we are trying to get some sleep?’ Frank yelled, stumbling towards the plant and clutching his fists tightly in rage. Once again the copycat plant repeated after Frank, mimicking him to perfection. Philip was thinking about school and how he used to also play the copycat game a few years ago. It had to be the most annoying thing to do to someone, but you couldn’t play it with just anyone. If you did it to someone like Frank, you would most surely guarantee yourself a good beating. It was always better to pick on someone weaker than yourself. When he got tired of you repeating after him, he would just have to walk away, and then you could call him names behind his back. That plant had definitely chosen the wrong person to play copycat with.

  Frank walked back to the bed of petals and picked up a pinana from the pile of remaining fruit. He clutched at the pineapple skinned banana and flung it towards the unsuspecting parrot plant like a cricketer throwing a fast ball. The pinana spun towards the cheeky plant like a boomerang, narrowly missing its multicoloured beak, and bounced off the table below. Once again the excited pot plant broke out in song, shaking his head wildly as if in way of defence:

  ‘Death of mother earth!

  Never a rebirth!

  Evolution’s end!

  Never will it mend!’ Metallica

  ‘This plant is singing about earth, Frank, and what we are doing to it!’ Philip exclaimed in surprise. ‘He’s not very far wrong, I must say.’

  ‘Yeah, like this disgusting place is any better!’ Frank barked, taking a deep breath and tossing a grapple furiously towards the raving plant. Patroux got it right in the beak and went flying backwards, completely uprooted from his pot. The poor plant landed with a thump on the wooden table and fell down beak first onto the floo
r, with a display of muddy roots and a large grapple wedging its copycat beak silent.

  ‘Problem solved, now we can get some sleep,’ Frank muttered, wiping his face and resuming sleep position.

  ‘Frank!’ Philip exclaimed, staring at the uprooted parrot plant in horror, ‘Lily Madonna is going to kill us!’

  ‘I don’t care Philip, I’m tired.’

  The boys were both extremely tired and it would have been far too easy just to go back to sleep again, which is exactly what Frank did. Philip, however, couldn’t just leave the poor plant lying on its pathetic beak like that, so he carefully picked it up and placed it back in the pot. He replaced as much of the fallen soil as possible, and pressed it firmly around the battered stem. Patroux looked as good as new, except for the sticky grapple wedged between his beak.

  Philip had decided on removing it once he and Frank had both had a good sleep first. He lay next to his friend listening to his soft snores, and soon fell into a deep sleep as well.

  * * * * * * * *

  ‘My darlings, what flavour should we make it then?’ Lily Madonna asked, standing out in the open valley, gazing at her sister fairies in question.

  ‘I’m so glad we finally took care of that meddlesome wizard,’ Jasmine Azor interrupted with delight.

  ‘Oui, it is ze very zgood thing zwe did,’ Rose Gallica agreed, slapping her hands together with wicked glee.

  ‘What flavour, ladies?’

  ‘Choclut mun! Ya know all schulboys like choclut, don’t ya mun?’ Violet Paulina snapped, pouting her flowery nose up at Madonna.

  ‘Chocolate drink, that’s appalling!’ Madonna sneered, crossing her arms and shaking her floral headpiece at Paulina. ‘Since when do children drink chocolate? I’ve never heard of such nonsense before.’

  ‘Have you ever been near an earthling child before, Madonna Lily?’ Azor asked.

  ‘No never, why, what’s your point then?’

  ‘Well, how would you know whether they like it or not then?’

  ‘Er-well, yes, maybe,’ Madonna replied sheepishly, looking a bit stumped.