TAT Box Set

by Emjay Soren

  His voice is shaking, and I know the loss of sleep and the pain of seeing what I can only imagine as horror I know he is simply lost right now.

  I will be his anchor in this. I swear it to myself as he holds me close and cries against me. “I have you baby.” I whisper, and it is my strongest promise. “I have you and I am going nowhere.”

  He nods letting me know he hears my vow and takes a deep breath. “I know in the realm of everything that is so fucked up this will sound insane but, marry me baby. Right now. Let’s hit the courthouse and get married.”

  I look at him like he has lost his mind because duh he has lost his mind. “Shame I know this is hard and we are all hurting, but baby now isn’t the time.”

  “Why? Tell me why because all I can think is that a year or so ago that could have been Noah telling me you were dead baby, and it makes my stomach turn. This shit is very close to home with me and unlike Noah, I can marry you.”

  I am floored by the depth of his request and I want him to think of what he is saying. “Baby Noah and Candy weren’t engaged or even close to that sort of commitment. They were up and down and madly in love but”- I stop talking when Shame shakes his head no vigorously.

  “That’s it babe. I forgot you don’t know….no one does baby. Remember at the wedding when we were dancing, and we watched Noah and Candy hugging and kissing and being in love?”

  My chest hurts at the memory of the two of them so completely in love and devoted. I close my eyes and nod because I am beyond words and can't speak through the lump in my throat.

  “Baby only I know this but… Noah had just proposed to her and Candy said yes. That’s why they were so fucking happy, and that’s why I know I need to honor that in some twisted fucked up way.”

  Holy shit I must wrap my head around this fucked up piece to this nightmare. “Babe, I will marry you if it is what you want and need to help you get through this. I have no problem with that commitment.”

  “This sounds like you are about to tell me no Sassy.” He says and closes his eyes, hurt by my reaction.

  “No, I will never tell you no, not when we are talking forever baby. All I am saying is that by running off and eloping I am scared it will be a slap in the face to Noah, when everyone learns we did it during all of this.”

  “Baby…” He says, and I can hear the reasonable side of Shamus James coming back on line. “This is about us, you and me and nothing else right now. I need to marry you baby because I failed last time. We do not get second chances often baby and Noah got robbed his only chance.” He kisses me softly and cups my face in his hands and looks at me as he speaks. “Marry me baby. We can have a wedding for everyone else down the road when we feel like it and until then this is our secret but marry me now. Be mine now.”

  I think of Noah and Candy and the life they were both robbed of. I think of all the sadness in my world right now, and that this time is my second chance and I am grateful. “Yes.” I say and kiss him.

  This is my second chance and a new beginning. This is ours forever and ever and I can't deny it.

  I never could.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Cassa

  At five o’clock that evening I met Shamus at the courthouse that was closing at six. We needed to be back to the hospital by six-forty-five for the press conference. We were limited in time but neither one of us cared as we held hands and walked up the steps.

  I wore my old concert T-Shirt from TOOL in 2010 that Shame took me to. This was his most favorite shirt of mine. I paired it with my best low-rise jeans that hugged every curve and my old navy-blue Chuck Taylors. Shame dressed in his usual. Cut off Camo shorts, Chucks and an old Aloha House hoodie with the bands concert info on the back from one of the many sold out shows they did before making it big. We both showered and got ready and rushed here after procuring the license. We sat in comfortable silence holding hands and waited for them to call our names. We met another couple in line who were fans of TAT and after a few autographs and a quick rundown of the accident, they agreed to be our witnesses, something we had spaced on.

  I married Shamus James at five-thirty-three pm pacific standard time on August sixteenth two thousand and thirteen. He cried… and for once I didn’t.

  He swore to love honor and protect me, and I believe him with every fiber of my being. I swore to never let anyone come before him, and that through sickness and health I would never let my love stray.

  “You may now kiss your bride.” The judge said with a smile, our witnesses clapping. Shame looked at me with nothing but love in his eyes. “Can I say something even though we are now officially married?” He asks, and I wonder what is up his sleeve.

  “Of course.” Says the judge and we all look at Shame.

  “Cassa Rae James, I swear to you that I will always love you. Every fucking day until I die.” I gasp at the graceful ‘F’ bomb he drops and he cringes and looks at the judge. “Sorry.”

  He just smiles and motions for Shamus to continue. Thank God the fans we asked to witness us didn’t call any paparazzi and that we don’t have a fan base screaming and blowing the whole thing. In this we are lucky. “I also swear that I am gonna give you babies. A shit ton of them and I swear ill make you proud to have me as their dad.”

  Aaaaand there went my tears. I almost made it without them, but he knows my one weakness that I can never recover from. “I will adopt as many as we want and give them the world and the love they deserve. I also swear I will bust ass to make our home perfect for them and that I will spend the rest of my life making sure you never regret forgiving me.”

  “Shame…” I choke on his name, but he just winks and smiles before kissing me senseless.

  I wouldn’t be able to not forgive him knowing that he has forgiven me but cannot say a word because he won’t let me go.

  And I wouldn’t let him if he tried.

  I know as we sneak from the courthouse and make our way to the hospital, that the high we are on will disappear in the face of sadness but knowing how thick and strong our bond is, knowing that he needed to make me his before he tried to sleep tonight and face the world tomorrow is what has always been our common ground.

  I love him, it is fierce, deep and all-consuming and I will never question the places we crawled out of in anger and in rage… I will only be thankful we made it back to us again.

  I am Mrs. Cassa Rae James and I fucking love it!

  Your words to me just a whisper

  Your face is so unclear

  I try to pay attention

  Your words just disappear

  Cause it's always raining in my head

  Forget all the things I should have said

  So, I speak to you in riddles

  'Cause my words get in my way

  I smoke the whole thing to my head

  And feel it wash away

  'Because I can't take any more of this

  I want to come apart

  Or dig myself a little hole

  Inside your precious heart

  'Cause it's always raining in my head

  Forget all the things I should have said

  I am nothing more than

  A little boy inside

  That cries out for attention

  Yet I always try to hide

  'Cause I talk to you like children

  Though I don't know how I feel

  But I know I'll do the right thing

  If the right thing is revealed

  'Cause it's always raining in my head

  Forget all the things I should have said

  Staind

  Epilogue

  Carrie Beckett Blake

  It is just passed eight pm and the sky is a purple glow from the last possible light from the sun. I am sitting beside Noah who is now awake and free of tubes and oxygen. I watch the morphine IV like it is going to kill me for knowing that it is and will always be his weakness.

  I want to tear it from his arm and hold him through the pain. I know
this isn’t the humane way considering I understand the pain from a torn organ. Add to that his lung pain and the various wounds caused by his surgeries and I can admit to myself that he needs it.

  But his needing it and his having it in this state of mind terrifies me.

  He hasn’t spoken a word since waking up with Shame and the guys earlier. Cassa told me what Shame said right before they left for the press conference. I didn’t want to listen to Shamus tell the world that my brother is destroyed.

  And he is destroyed.

  There is no coming back from this. This is the final straw for Noah. I know it and so does Noah. It is why he won't acknowledge me. I know that right now, all he wants is a high that will make him forget.

  But as I sit and think this dark and fucked up shit I see him turn and look at me with sad eyes. Those eyes tell me that I am never alone. I am a mom to Noelle and a wife to Chad, but it will always be his sad eyes that remind me of who I am. This also reminds me of who he is, and Noah cannot be broken.

  “Are you okay? Need a drink or maybe some help to the restroom?” I ask and stand to pour him some water.

  What I expect from him and what he does next are two completely different things. I expect his brash anger, but he gives me his heart on his sleeve.

  “I need you to play trust with me right now sissy.” He says, and his voice is grated and low from the rawness of screaming through the tube.

  I am baffled by this request because Noah only ever played when I was defiant and needed him to go first. I know why he wants to play and I know the world he needs me to build.

  I don’t know if I can do this, but for him, right now I will try. I turn and see Chad at the door and I know he heard Noah’s request. “Hold on a minute babe.” I say and hope he will close the door and not let anyone enter.

  He ignores me though and comes in, followed by Cal and Tayla, then Shame and Cassa as well as Uncle Seth and Aunt Lilly. “No, we are all going to do this round. This is a family feud round.” He smiles, and Noah acknowledges everyone who is here but doesn’t say anything and his eyes fall back on the window.

  “So,” I say and start to create the world he wants. “Cans is here, sitting beside you with your hand in hers…”

  The end.

  Copyright © 2014 by Emjay Soren writing as Melanie Walker All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

  Printed in the United States of America

  First Printing, 2014

  Second Printing, 2020

  ISBN 9781980683834

  This book is dedicated to Noah and all he stands for in my world. When I created Noah, I saw this party boy with a damaged heart. I always knew he couldn’t have it all over night, but even as I wrote him, built him and created him in my mind… I saw him as strength. I started writing him with one thought in mind: What would I do?

  Whatever my answer was I did the opposite, it was the only way I could make him real. I have seen addiction and so I know, if I ever, God forbid, were in his shoes, I’d never fall to an addiction and so he became an addict.

  When I was going through my divorce after Trust Me I again asked myself what I would do, and in that light, I killed Candy. I was fighting letting go of being a wife and so through Noah I gave him no choice.

  There is so much of me in him, and it’s because we are fully opposites (With the exception of Alice in Chains worship). Noah is my alter ego, my inner God and everything he stands for, his strengths and weaknesses are mine reversed. Where he shines; I suffer. Where he suffers; I shine. Noah Beckett has changed my life and I love him so deeply. He is next to impossible to write. Where you guys ugly cry at the pain he endures, I am ripped to shreds because I get it on a different level. I know that at times you all hate me for what I put him through, but I promise if you stick with us to the end you’ll see him shine brighter than any star in the sky, love harder than any of the TAT guys and live in a way that will make you scream out in joy. It is NOW that I start the real story of Noah and you will absolutely hate me, hate him, love me and love him before I finish this series. But I promise you will understand in time why he needed to hit rock bottom…

  So, to Noah… you will rise my sweet and I will watch you, smiling in joy and relishing in such a beautifully broken man. You are the most epic of Bad Boys and you define it by simply being you. You are my hero in a world where heroes can be broken. Thank you for Saving me along the way, now allow me to save you.

  Acknowledgements

  To my kids but mostly my TreyBug who brags to everyone he knows that his mom is an author. To Jessika Harper for helping me with Save me and being such a rad new friend. To my Beta Readers: Cheryl, Stacy and Andrea- you are all loyal because you never fear telling me when I suck.

  No one teaches you how to walk away from someone who you know loves you.

  No one teaches you how to say good-bye.

  Hussein Nishah

  Save Me

  TAT A Rocker Romance Novella

  By Emjay Soren

  10 pm the night before the wedding….

  Chad Blake

  “Dude…” Cal says with his eyes drawn in. “A tramp stamp?” He’s laughing, and I knew the guys would give me shit for this tat, but I needed my expression of love for my girl, where hers was for me. So small of the back it was.

  I take out the black and white photo of Carrie holding our daughter Noelle and pass it to Noah. “Monochromatic, blue tones so it looks old.” I say indicating the color of the grays I want to use for the tattoo. I have a whole plan for the ‘something borrowed something blue’ tradition and this tattoo is her something blue.

  I never thought I would be the romantic type but after falling for Carrie and succeeding in making her happy and mine, well, I can’t deny the fact I’m a sap these days.

  “Think she’ll like it?” I ask Noah, because he is the only person who knows her better than me.

  “Trust me bro, she’ll love it….almost as much as she’ll love my something new.” Noah winks and shrugs his shoulders and I know what the ‘something new’ is, and yeah, he has me there.

  “Still though….it’s a tramp stamp.” Cal says obviously refusing to let this go.

  “Fucker let me educate you.” I say and grab a bottle of Modello off the counter in Noah’s kitchen and go to straddle one of his kitchen chairs. “A tramp stamp is for one, on a female. Two, they are usually one of five designs. A butterfly, a sun, flowers, pistols or tribal bands. They come along the line of low cut jeans and higher than the band of thongs.” I snatch the picture from Noah and hand it to Cal. “This is a picture of my soon-to-be wife and newborn daughter and its going in the exact same spot as the verse from Elegy XIX that Carrie has on her lower back.” I look at him, drilling him with my ‘don’t fuck with me’ stare. “That verse symbolized her innocence. Are you gonna tell me she bares a tramp stamp too?”

  Cal being Cal, just rolls his eyes and calls me a pussy.

  “Noah hook me up with a tat when you’re done with this pansy.” Shamus says and takes a bag of pretzels from the cupboard and sits back with a beer pointing at me.

  “What are you thinking?” I ask and snake some of the pretzels as Noah sets up to do the line drawing of my girls.

  “My dad’s name in old English on my ribs.”

  We all nod in respect to the internal fight Shame has made trying to forgive his old man for the years of turmoil they had after his saint of a mom died.

  “Yeah I’ll hook it up.” Noah says, his eyes on the machine as he sets his mag.

  “I’ll do it?” I ask out of respect for the tattoo itself. I knew it didn’t matter if it was me or Noah doing it. “As long as you hold still we can do em’ at the same time.”

  Shame shrugs and nods and I look to Cal. “Can you head out to my truck and get me my bag?” I ask and I’m referring to my
tattoo kit. I don’t work the machine anymore, but I still take my gear with me everywhere I go.

  Cal nods but he is still looking at his phone like he wants to chuck it. “Yo?” I yell getting his attention. “What’s up?”

  He slips his phone in the pocket of his hoodie and stands. “Nothing, just reading a text.” He doesn’t offer up more information, but he doesn’t have to. Lately he and Tay have been at each other’s throats and we all knew damn well who was giving him the stink face.

  I look at Shame and Noah for insight because Cal Dorian tripping over any girl for any reason is out of the realm of normal. “You guys have any insight on the two of them?” I ask but Shame shakes his head no and Noah completely disregards my question.

  “Ready?” He asks and scoots in behind me preparing to lay the transfer to my skin.

  “Yeah.” I say taking my cue that he knows exactly what’s doing between them, but he won’t be talking.

  Fifteen hours later….

  Wedding Day

  Chad Blake

  This place is plastered in bright pink roses…bright pink daisy’s…bright pink lily’s. All this pink mesh stuff too, lined and bunched around little white twinkle lights and giant black pillar candles lining the isle.