I Can't Trust You

by Roxy Gray

  Is it possible that he has a drug problem too?

  It wouldn’t be surprising, especially knowing that Jasper was dealing last year. Not to mention his mother. It would explain his irrational anger, his mood swings and his sensitivity to the police. That doesn’t make him a kidnapper or a psycho though.

  I quickly pack my things and resume my stalking, following Jasper all the way back to campus.

  He’s heading home, I realize as I see him turn down our street. I’m debating whether or not to pursue him when my phone buzzes.

  Dealer: I can help you out. Still on campus? I can meet in the study hall, 20 minutes?

  Me: Sounds good. I’ll be by the window on the ground floor. Wearing a green flannel shirt and jeans. I have black hair.

  I reluctantly watch as Jasper disappears into our building. Then, I change course, heading over to study hall and claiming a seat by the window. It’s relatively quiet, but there are enough other people around to make me feel safe. The crowd acts as a shield for my uneasy thoughts. It keeps my paranoia at bay.

  It isn’t long before a guy slides into the seat across from me. He looks totally normal. Olive skin, dark hair, a red baseball hat, and some acne, indicating he’s close to my age. He’s likely a student too.

  “Hey,” he says. “You texted me?”

  “Yes.” I try to put on the bravest face possible.

  “What are you looking for?”

  “Actually, my friend is missing.”

  I slide the school newspaper across to him. It’s open to the page with Violet’s picture on it.

  “Do you know her?”

  “Don’t recognize her, sorry,” the guy says apprehensively, starting to get up.

  “Wait. I’m not here to get you in trouble… I know she texted you. I’m just looking for answers wherever I can.”

  He sits back down.

  “I do recognize her. She used to buy from me.”

  “What did she buy, exactly?”

  He looks around to make sure no one can hear us.

  “At first, just Adderall. I think she was using it to study. Then, after a while, she started buying coke.”

  “For how long?” I ask.

  “A while…Maybe four months? I’m not sure. It could be longer.”

  My heart sinks. Violet was using last semester too?

  “Well, let me know if you hear from her,” I say.

  “Will do.”

  With that, he’s gone. And now I have to see what Jasper is up to. At home, I find him with Clay in the living room, watching a movie.

  “Hey, we’re watching ‘Psycho’,” Jasper says.

  I drop my bag on the floor nearby, taking a seat between the two guys on the sofa.

  “Isn’t that movie a million years old?” I ask.

  “It is,” Clay says. “It’s a good one though.”

  I sit and watch for a while, confused by the plot since I’ve only just arrived in the middle of all the action. The scene shows a man spying on a woman as she gets undressed.

  “What’s wrong with this guy, anyway?”

  “He has mommy issues, so he dresses up as a woman and kills people,” Jasper shrugs.

  “And he has a split personality,” Clay adds. “He thinks he’s his mother.”

  “Sounds like my worst nightmare,” I joke.

  Clay smiles at me. “You look really nice today, Ivy.”

  I look down at my green flannel and faded jeans, which are nothing special. Still, I appreciate the compliment.

  “Thanks, Clay.”

  I see Jasper glare at him from the corner of my eye. Then he stretches his arm along the back of the sofa behind me. His thigh presses into mine, warm where it makes contact. Clay takes the hint, and the rest of the movie passes in near silence.

  “Do you guys want to go down to the cafeteria and get some food?” Clay asks once the credits are finally rolling.

  My stomach gurgles, betraying the fact that I haven’t eaten anything since this morning. Stalking Jasper doesn’t allow time for a proper lunch, apparently.

  “Sure.” I jump up quickly, still too aware of Jasper’s body beside me.

  Downstairs, I stuff my face with pizza, listening to the guys chat about school. It’s weird, not having Violet around. It’s almost as if I’ve been indoctrinated into the guy’s club by accident. If Violet were here, we’d be talking about food, or sex, or some other nonsense. The two of us can make a conversation out of thin air. But since Violet is gone, the men have spent the last ten minutes rating their favourite celebrities on a scale of how good looking they are. Not my cup of tea.

  “I’ll be right back, I’m going to use the washroom.” I slip away, seemingly unnoticed as Jasper and Clay continue conversing.

  Venturing across the cafeteria, I make my way down the hall to the ladies’ room. As I near the door, I stop. I look around. The creepy feeling is there again, crawling under my skin. I will myself to continue forward into the washroom. I use the facilities as quickly as I can, scrubbing my hands fast under the lukewarm water.

  As I’m about to return to the guys, I get a text message from a random number.

  Stop snooping. Stop digging. This doesn’t concern you.

  I decide to ignore it, but when I sit back down, the feeling hasn’t receded. I look around for anyone watching and stare down a guy two tables over. He immediately looks away, turning back to a girl sitting beside him.

  “Everything okay?” Clay asks. My worried face is more than obvious.

  “Yeah, I’m just tired. I’m gonna head upstairs.”

  He and Jasper share a confused look as I put away my tray and leave without further explanation.

  * * *

  Later that night, I come out of my bedroom for a glass of water. Jasper and Clay are in front of the TV again. Clay is asleep, his glasses barely resting on the bridge of his nose. Jasper is flipping through the channels. He lifts his head when he sees me. His eyes graze over my pyjama shorts and hoodie, which is his.

  “Hey. Didn’t know you were still up.”

  “Yeah,” I yawn. “I just can’t sleep these days.”

  Especially when people send me threatening messages.

  Jasper nods, running one hand through his hair.

  “Hey, man. You’re sleeping. Go to bed.” He prods Clay with one hand until he begins to stir.

  “Huh? Jasper?” Clay sits up suddenly. “Oh. I fell asleep,” he says. He gets up and stumbles to his bedroom, shutting the door behind him.

  Jasper pats the seat beside him, and I sit down.

  “How are you doing?” He asks. His green eyes focus on me, lit by the dim glow of our dining room light.

  I shrug. “I’m okay.”

  “You don’t seem like it.”

  “Why?” My tone comes off as more defensive than I’d like, but Jasper ignores it. “You hide in your room constantly. You jump at every sound. I’m worried about you, Ivy.”

  Without warning, the tears start flowing again.

  “Shit. Didn’t mean to make you cry,” Jasper says, his brow furrowed.

  “It’s not your fault. My emotions are just on overdrive or something… I haven’t slept well in days.”

  “Understandable,” Jasper says.

  “Did your mom ever disappear when she was having issues with drugs?”

  Jasper’s eyes spark with surprise.

  “You know what? Never mind. I know you don’t like talking about her.”

  “It’s okay,” he says, biting his lip. “She did, actually. A lot. Sometimes I wouldn’t see her for weeks…She’d go on a drug binge and then wind up halfway across the state.”

  Realization spreads across his face.

  “Was Violet having issues with…?”

  “Yeah, she was.”

  I start to cry again.

  “Fuck, Ivy. I’m sorry.”

  This time, Jasper slips his arms behind me and ho
lds me in a tight hug.

  “Don’t be,” I sniff into his chest. “I just want her back, that’s all. I feel helpless.”

  “I know,” Jasper says quietly.

  “Let’s talk about something else,” I suggest. I know that I won’t feel any better if I continue thinking about Violet. I’m as powerless in her disappearance as a leaf in a hurricane.

  Jasper looks at me blankly.

  “Come on, you must have something exciting going on in your life. Right?” I ask.

  He laughs, finally letting me go.

  “Well, not really. I hit a new personal record at the gym the other day,” he says casually.

  “Yeah?”

  “Yup. I squatted four hundred pounds for the first time.”

  My jaw drops. “Wow. That’s really heavy. You must be pretty strong.”

  Jasper shrugs. “It’s not that much. Lots of guys can lift heavier.”

  Still, I can’t help but let my eyes wander to his sculpted body. His pecs are visible through the armholes in his muscle tank, and his pyjama pants don’t do much to conceal the rippling muscles beneath. My mind pictures him in the lake, nearly naked before our swim, and I feel myself heat.

  “Ivy,” Jasper murmurs. “You have that look again.”

  “What look?” I say, feigning ignorance.

  Jasper can’t be fooled.

  “The look that makes me want to do this,” he whispers before capturing my mouth.

  I don’t stop him. Rather, I deepen the contact, winding my arms behind his neck as I fall into his lap. Jasper’s lips are soft against mine, becoming more familiar with each kiss. The air is chilly, but I don’t feel cold anymore. My nipples tingle, and my pussy buzzes. He leans into me gently, and I slip my hands into his shirt, feeling the musculature of his chest.

  The apartment is quiet around us, the only sound the quiet murmur of the television nearby. You shouldn’t be doing this until you’ve cleared him, my mind says, but my body is telling me otherwise. A physical connection is the only thing that will comfort me this evening, and I’m not going to deny myself of the experience. Especially when it feels this good; already miles ahead of my encounter with Jamie.

  Jasper pulls me tight to his body, his hands roaming near my hip as I lay across him. My bare skin tingles as he grazes his fingertips across it.

  “Ivy,” he smiles into my neck before planting a kiss there. “Wish I’d known you were going to grow up to be this hot. I might’ve been nicer when we were younger.”

  I playfully smack the side of his arm.

  “Shut up, asshole.”

  “Yes ma’am,” he grins, making his way up to my mouth once again.

  I lay back, pulling Jasper with me until I’m laying across the sofa with him positioned between my open legs. His hands slip beneath my (his) hoodie, making their way up to my breasts.

  “Hmm, no bra?” He observes, delighted.

  “I was about to go to sleep,” I defend.

  “Right,” Jasper remarks sarcastically, teasing my nipples between his fingers. He stops when he notices the barbell on my left breast.

  “You trying to kill me, Ivy?” He groans, kissing his way around it. “Didn’t know you had this.” Jasper flicks the cool metal with his tongue, moving it from side to side. I let out an involuntary sound as he swirls around the jewelry.

  “Jasper,” I breathe.

  Out of nowhere, he encircles my waist with his hands, picking me up from the sofa effortlessly.

  “Let’s go someplace more private,” he says, kissing me again as he stands. He leads me to his room, and I don’t protest when he shuts the door and presses me against it. Both of us are out of breath, but showing no signs of wanting to stop.

  “Take your shirt off,” I command. I go over to his bed and sit down in the middle.

  Jasper flicks on his bedside lamp.

  “You’re so sexy when you boss me around,” He says, a sly grin occupying his face. He does as I ask, removing his muscle tank. His pyjamas fall to the floor too, and he’s left standing in just a pair of black boxers.

  “Your turn,” Jasper grins. He approaches me, lifting the hoodie over my head. He takes my bottom lip between his teeth, nibbling there for a moment. It hurts, but it feels good. Too good. My breath deepens ever so slightly as my body detects his touch.

  Jasper’s eyes descend to my breasts as he takes them in his hands. The cool air prickles my skin, but I know it isn’t causing the parade of goosebumps all over my body.

  He kisses me, pressing me back onto his mattress. The springs squeak, but I don’t mind. I lay back, closing my eyes as his touch roams my skin. I’m surprised by how easy this all feels. There’s no hesitation, no tension. Our encounter doesn’t have any of the awkwardness that usually comes with a first-time hookup. Instead, it feels like my body has been waiting for me to do this.

  “I can’t believe we’re doing this right now,” Jasper murmurs against me.

  “Shhh,” I say, bringing one finger to his mouth.

  Jasper’s lips leave a trail between my trigger zones, our movements becoming frantic as heat envelops us in the small room. His kisses become harder, feverish. His hand moves lower, sliding up the leg of my loose shorts until it makes contact with my wet opening. At the same time, I wiggle my hand into his boxers.

  “You didn’t have this when we were kids,” I smile, encircling him in my hand.

  “No, I didn’t,” he says. “You didn’t have this either.”

  Jasper pushes one finger into my narrow sex, and I squeeze around him. A soft cry escapes me.

  “You’re so wet. I bet you taste sweet,” he says.

  He swiftly pulls off my shorts. I’m not wearing any panties, and Jasper’s eyes darken as he notices. Just as he’s about to dive between my legs, I yank down his boxers and lean over until I’m able to press his cock into my mouth.

  “Fuck, Ivy,” Jasper groans, his finger going limp for a moment inside of me.

  I recede, just long enough to push him flat onto the mattress. Jasper pulls me on top of him, turning me around until my pussy is positioned above his mouth.

  “Oh my god,” I moan as his tongue grazes my clitoris. It lingers there for a minute before descending lower, teasing my wet sex.

  “You like that?” Jasper’s voice vibrates against me. Then, he adds his fingers to the assault.

  I buck against him. It feels good; too good. Focusing on the task at hand feels impossible, but I suppress my moans by stuffing his dick between my lips. Jasper doesn’t complain. Within no time, milky pre-cum coats the surface of his cock as I play with him.

  “Ivy, get up here,” he says, spanking my ass from beneath me. The slap echoes in the room, and I giggle.

  I do as Jasper says, turning around in time to see him wipe his mouth and pop in a piece of gum. I lean back on my heels and straddle him. We share a deep kiss, tangling our tongues once again.

  “I can’t wait anymore.” Jasper groans, his voice thick and heavy. He reaches for the stack of condoms on his nightstand and tears one open, rolling it onto his shaft. He’s just about to guide himself to my entrance when my phone begins to ring from my pocket on the floor.

  “Who the fuck is calling you so late?” Jasper whispers against my lips. “Jamie? Am I interrupting a booty call?”

  “No,” I swat at him. “It’s probably a wrong number.”

  We let it go to voicemail, resuming our kiss.

  Then, it rings again.

  Suddenly, the creepy feeling takes over me again, and the hairs on my neck stand at attention.

  “I’m sorry. I need to check it,” I say, backing out of Jasper’s lap.

  He goes quiet, studying me as I bend to pick up my cell phone.

  I have a missed call from Violet.

  “It was her!” I say, barely believing my eyes.

  I re-dial her number.

  “Hello?” I ask.

  The other
end of the line is silent other than a faint buzz.

  “Hello?” I ask again.

  “Ivy? It’s Violet,” I hear a fuzzy voice come through the speaker.

  “Violet?! Are you okay? Where are you?” I ask, my heart racing in my chest.

  Jasper comes to the edge of the bed, hugging my legs from where he sits. Violet doesn’t reply.

  “Violet?!” I ask.

  The fuzz overtakes the line, and it goes dead. When I try to call her back, it goes straight to voicemail.

  “No,” I cry, sinking to my knees. “She was there. I heard her.” I bury my head in my knees, overcome by tears again.

  “Ivy, it’ll be okay.” Jasper comes to the floor beside me and pulls me into his lap.

  “It won’t,” I cry.

  “It will.”

  Jasper kisses me, slowly pushing his tongue into my mouth as he threads his hands into my hair. The action feels entirely different to me after having heard Violet’s voice. My desire has been obliterated completely.

  I pull away from Jasper and scramble to stand.

  “It. Fucking. Won’t.” I insist, my tears spilling over my eyes. “And sleeping with you isn’t going to make it any better. I can’t believe you’re even trying to fuck me after what just happened,” I add.

  “Sorry, Ivy.”

  “Why would she be calling?” I ask, sadness overtaking my mind again.

  “I dunno,” Jasper shrugs.

  My breathing becomes erratic as I realize that Violet just barely slipped through my fingers. Because of me, she’s gone again. If I hadn’t let Jasper distract me, I might have been able to find her and save her. I feel my heartbeat in my ears. My face warms as my frustration draws all the blood to it. I begin to shake, my inhales becoming fast and shallow.

  “Ivy,” Jasper says. “Just breathe.”

  Through the haze in my eyes, I see him bend to put his underwear back on. He goes to the closet and retrieves a grey t-shirt, slipping it over my head before pulling me against him.

  “No,” I shake my head violently. I’m reduced to a crazy mess. My nose is runny and my eyes are bloated from crying.

  “Breathe in…and breathe out.” Jasper murmurs into my ear. He guides me back onto the bed, laying me against his naked chest. His smooth skin is soothing on my cheek. I eventually calm down, though I still can’t get Violet’s plea out of my mind.