Bunyips and Billabongs

by Amy Hopkins

  Penny lifted her arm, ready to throw the spring-loaded net.

  The drop bear pounced. It launched itself directly at her, shooting through the air and covering the impossible distance in the blink of an eye.

  Only Penny's reflexes saved her. She shoved a hand forward, jamming the tiny portable stake in the beast’s mouth. The drop bear twisted to the ground, shaking its head in confusion and fury as it tried to dislodge the item wedging its mouth wide open.

  "I guess that's one way to incapacitate a mouthful of pointy fangs," Penny muttered. She waited for the Myther to give one more violent shake of its head, then punted it across the small clearing with a well-placed boot. The drop bear sailed through the air like a wriggling football, crashing to the ground a short distance from Boots.

  "Someone needs to teach you to play soccer," Red scolded. He held a drop bear aloft by the scruff of its neck as it twisted in his grip, trying frantically to bite him. "That was a terrible kick." Red gave the bear a solid punch, then tossed the dazed animal toward Amelia.

  "Is the mercury working?" Penny yelled. Amelia's answer was drowned out by feral screeching as another drop bear launched itself at Penny. This time she met the creature mid-air with the sole of her boot. It tumbled to the ground, shook its head, and pounced at her again. Penny slammed an arm against its jaw, narrowly avoiding the animal's vicious teeth. "I didn't hear you, come again?" She grabbed the drop bear by the scruff of its neck as Red had and looked up at Amelia.

  "I said, it looks like it's working!" Amelia held up two thumbs to reinforce her words. To Penny's shock, one of the drop bears was nestled on her shoulder, placidly chewing her hair.

  "Damn, you’re officially more of a card-carrying Aussie than I am." Penny dangled her fluffy attacker from one hand, then whirled it like a discus. It sailed through the air toward Amelia, who already had the spray bottle aimed toward it.

  “Take that, you hairy bastard!” Amelia squirted the creature in the face, then caught it, throwing it back over her head to where Red was waiting. He clutched it by the scruff, letting it scrabble and claw the air until it settled.

  As the animal stilled, its eyes faded to a soft brown, and when it shook, coarse fur sprinkled the ground, leaving a soft, luxurious coat instead.

  “Magic!” Penny ducked as another drop bear flew over her head. A glance back let her see Cisco lunge for it, and Penny turned her attention to the remaining Mythers.

  They had spread out now and were eyeing the newcomers warily.

  Three darted forward, scurrying at Penny in a coordinated attack. She dropped into a defensive stance, kicked the first one, and whirled to meet the second.

  She blocked with a knee, punched down, jabbed the third with an elbow, then planted a boot in its ass. A downward chop sent the first bear face-first into the ground, and a second kick punted it Boots’ way. The serpent flicked her tail and caught it, then happily curled around it, trapping the drop bear in her scaly rainbow coils.

  Punch, jab, knee, chop, kick. Penny fought smoothly, avoiding teeth and claws except for a few minor scratches. Three bears became two, then four, then three, then two again.

  A loud rip made her wince. She responded with a snap kick that sent a drop bear sailing. It landed with a crunch and didn’t get up.

  Penny glared at her last opponent. “You wanna bite me, fine. But if you tear my jeans again, you’ll end up like your buddy over there.”

  The drop bear’s red eyes flickered, then faded to brown. Penny straightened, confused until it turned and she saw a circle of glistening droplets on the back of its head.

  Behind it, Amelia winked.

  “All done?” Penny glanced around, panting. The metal cages now held bright-eyed koalas, while the cluster of rabid drop bears tangled in one of the nets slowly stilled. One by one, they blinked confused brown eyes at the watching tourists. Boots had a koala nestled in a loose nest of coiled muscle. She nuzzled its head and booped her nose on the koala’s.

  “All done.” Amelia flipped the bottle into her other hand and reached up to high-five Penny. The clap of their hands was followed by more—a slow clap from one of the watching tourists was quickly drowned out by loud applause.

  The momentary elation of being lauded by a bunch of zoo visitors was quickly dampened by the reality of what had happened. Penny sighed, then turned her head away from the sea of cellphones pointed at them.

  “We’re gonna be in so. Much. Trouble.” She motioned for the cable car operator. “Hey, buddy. I left my handbag in the car. Do you have it?”

  He nodded. “Yeah, but it’s down bottom. I’ll get Danny to send it up.”

  Resolutely ignoring the hoots and cheers behind them, Penny jerked a nod. “Thanks.”

  She stared down the cable, watching as the dangling cars kicked back to life. The first one to arrive was empty of passengers. Terry darted forward to unlatch the door and slide it open to reveal Penny’s handbag sitting on a seat…right beside a carton of beer.

  Terry blushed. “The beer’s for you. To say thanks. From Danny and me, I mean. I thought I was gonna get eaten! And...” He paused, bashful. “Could we maybe have an autograph?”

  Penny stared at him for a minute. Then she burst out laughing.

  Chapter Eight

  They decided to stay at the zoo after Penny pointed out that returning early would only maximize the hours Crenel had available to lecture them about laying low and staying out of trouble.

  They meandered past the animals, paying equal attention to lions and giraffes as to the dripping ice creams in their hands.

  “Penny, when do we get to meet Bindi?” Red blurted at one point.

  “Bindi?” Amelia slapped his shoulder. “You came here to meet a girl?”

  “I’m a fan, that’s all!” he protested.

  Penny shook her head, chuckling. “Wrong zoo, Red. Bindi’s is up north.”

  He sighed. “At least it’d be cooler up there.”

  Cisco stopped. “Do you even know how globes work? We’re south of the equator. Going up means it gets hotter, you moron.”

  “Look, my brain is fried from the heat, okay?” Red shoved the last half of his soggy cone in his mouth. “It’s hot, and I don’t like it. I’m pretty sure Frodo didn’t sweat this much in Mordor.”

  “That’s because he’s not a whiny baby,” Amelia said, leading him away. “Come on. There’s a kiosk selling frozen Coke over there.”

  “Do you ever look at those two and wonder how they make it work?” Penny mused quietly.

  “Every damn day.” Cisco shot her a quick grin. “But they do.”

  Penny’s back pocket vibrated, and she pulled her phone out. A message flashed on the screen. “Speaking of things that never change…”

  “Agent Crenel?” Cisco asked.

  “Yeah. He wants to know, and I quote, ‘What the hell were you thinking?’”

  Cisco chuckled. “At least he didn’t insinuate we don’t think.”

  The phone buzzed again and Penny snorted. “You spoke too soon.”

  “Man, he’s going to put us on house arrest. Or hotel arrest. Is that a thing?” Cisco rubbed a hand through his hair, clearly unhappy with the prospect of spending more days cooped up in the hotel.

  “Well, I know one place he might let us escape to.” Penny stared at her phone, a smile touching her lips. “Somewhere we can’t get into any trouble. At least, any trouble that’ll go viral online.”

  “Where’s that?” Cisco looked dubious. “Crenel isn’t gonna buy it. There’s nowhere on Earth that will keep us out of trouble.”

  “Geez, Cisco, you sound like you agree with him,” Penny teased.

  “Sure, you can go.” Agent Crenel poured himself another scotch from the minibar.

  Penny watched, frowning. “What?”

  “You can go.” Crenel downed the scotch and poured a third. He didn’t drink that one right away, instead taking a seat in one of the plush armchairs by the window of his room. “Look, I give up.
I officially, completely, unequivocally quit trying to keep you people out of trouble.”

  “Really?” Amelia walked over and placed the back of her hand on the agent’s forehead. “Are you okay?”

  Crenel brushed her hand away, irritated. “I’m fine.”

  Penny’s eyes narrowed. “What aren’t you telling us?” She knew he wouldn’t let them out of his sight unless… “Wait. You’ve heard from your home office, haven’t you?”

  Her only answer was a scowl.

  Red tipped his head quizzically. “What does that mean?”

  Penny watched the agent’s face continue to drop. “It means,” she crowed, “that they saw the videos of us taking care of the situation at the zoo. And they liked it!”

  Crenel huffed and tossed his drink back. “Do you have to rub it in?”

  "Ha!" Penny’s fist punched the air. "Let me guess, they told you to let us clean up any messes we want. Instead of laying low and avoiding trouble, they want us to go out and find it."

  "It's terrible advice!" Agent Crenel snapped. "The more eyes we draw down here, the harder our mission will be. What if the wrong person has seen those videos? Our poacher will go into hiding, and all those kidnapped Mythers will be smuggled away before we have a chance to find them."

  Penny gave a long-suffering sigh. "You know we didn't go out intentionally looking for trouble."

  Crenel held on to his scowl for a moment longer, but eventually, his face softened. "I know. And I know that if I had been there, I probably would have done exactly the same thing you did. Well…" This time his look of annoyance seemed directed inwards. "I probably would have shot the feral little bastards. You did a better job than I could have. But that doesn't mean I have to like the attention!"

  "Well, where we're going, there won't be any attention." Penny gave him a reassuring smile. "I mean, Larrabee is in the middle of nowhere. It has a population of about a dozen people. There's stuff-all internet reception, and half the people who live there wouldn't even know how to use a smartphone."

  "Which is why I'm letting you go." Crenel spread his hands in defeat. "It's that or continue letting you run around a city with a population of five million, full of tourists, and full of the Mythers that came with them."

  Penny leaned down to give the agent a quick hug, ignoring the uncomfortable look on his face. "Thanks for not grounding us, fake-dad." She stood, catching Amelia’s mournful look. "What's wrong? Don't you want to come check out my hometown?"

  Amelia lifted mournful eyes to Penny's. "What am I going to wear?"

  The rental car zipped down the long country road, the only vehicle in sight. It had probably been twenty minutes since they had last seen another car—a once-white Land Rover covered in dried mud whose driver had been friendly enough to give them a quick wave as they passed.

  "Are we nearly there?" Amelia asked, not for the first time.

  Penny nodded at a distant billboard reading, Fruit and Toot, 5 km. The paint was faded but not so much so that the words on it had disappeared. "Yup."

  A few minutes later, Penny pulled off the road in front of a weathered hotel. Amelia squinted out the window. "Do we need to stop for gas?"

  "We'll need to get some before we leave," Penny confirmed. "But we stopped because we’re here."

  Amelia pushed open her car door and stepped out into the low gutter. She rested both hands on her hips, looking first to the left, then to the right. "Where's here? Penny, this isn’t a town. This is four shops, a rundown hotel, and a shelter by the train tracks."

  "Yup. That's my home." Penny strode up the hotel steps and crossed the wide veranda. "Hello? Gaz, are you in?"

  Shuffling footsteps preceded the elderly, overweight man who shambled into the bar area of the hotel. "Penny? Hey, didn't expect to see you here today. Where have you been lately?"

  “I went missing for a year and a half, and you only just noticed?” Penny laughed. "America, Gaz. I’ve been in America. I’m only back in town for a couple of days, though. I know I didn’t call ahead, but can you spare a couple of rooms?”

  Slapping a dirty rag on the counter, Gaz shook his head. "I'd give you a room if you were some asshole townie, but I like you too much. We've been overrun by cockies. Not so bad that you'd notice in the daylight, but unless you want the bastards crawling on your face while you sleep, you don't want to stay here."

  Penny shuddered. "That's disgusting."

  Gaz shrugged. "It is what it is. I've got an exterminator coming out, but he won't be here until tomorrow. Until then, no food and closed bottles only. Dave's beer is cheaper anyway. You know that." He brightened as an idea came to him. "Hey, maybe he can put you up for the night. It won't be flash, but it's better than sleeping in your car, right?"

  "Bloody good idea, Gaz." Penny grinned. "Damn shame the kitchen’s closed, though. Your maggot bags are the best in the world."

  She waved farewell and headed to the bottle shop next door, her friends trailing behind her. As the screen door of the ancient hotel banged shut behind them, Cisco grabbed Penny's arm.

  "Was that some kind of secret code?" he asked. "What's a cocky? And maggots? Tell me you don't eat maggots."

  Penny stared at him in disbelief for a moment. Then, she burst out laughing. "Oh my… You…" She couldn't get a coherent sentence past the giggles.

  "A cocky is a roach," Amelia said carefully. "I know that much, only because we had one in our dorm room, and it took me about five minutes to decipher what she was screaming about while stomping on the bed."

  "And the maggots?" Cisco asked.

  Red was already chuckling. "It's a pie," he explained. "Which is more like a pasty, really. Not like those bloody things they serve back at the Academy. That horrible pumpkin concoction nearly made me sick."

  Amelia nudged him with an elbow. "Didn't stop you from eating two in one sitting."

  "Aye. But it still doesn't hold up to a chunky beef filling, dripping with gravy and full of tasty veg." Red rubbed his tummy. "Is there somewhere else we can get a pie? I'm starving!"

  Finally able to control her breathing enough to speak, Penny said, "You've already made a stop for snacks once. How are you still hungry?"

  "I’m a growin’ boy!" he protested. "I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t have an appetite."

  "Fair enough. Let’s sort out our accommodation for tonight, then we can go grab some Chinese food." Penny ducked inside the bottle shop, smiling at the familiar jingle of the bell on the door. “It’s no maggot bag, but I know how bad you’ve been pining for some good fried rice since you got kicked out of the last place.”

  "Penny!" Dave dashed straight out from behind his cash register, arms wide. He embraced her warmly. "You're back! And you brought friends?"

  "Cisco, Amelia, and Red." Penny pointed at each as she named them. "Meet Dave. He's got the best booze in town, and he's going to put us up for the night."

  "I am?" Dave's grin widened. "Course I am! Plenty of space out on the property, as long as you don't mind a view to infinity when you sleep." He ducked his head to look at the door. "Doesn't look like rain, so it should be a great night."

  "Fantastic." Penny slapped a palm against Dave's. "We're going to Mrs. Chu's for lunch. Do you want me to bring you back some noodles?"

  "Nah, I'm doing that low-carb thing." He patted his staunch stomach. "Started yesterday. Probably gonna finish by tonight."

  "You jobber." Penny reached for the door. "What time do you close up?"

  "About four. Maybe three, seeing as I have something to do for a change." Dave shrugged, clearly unworried about adhering to the sign on the door that said the bottle shop’s hours were 9-5.

  "I'll see you back here at five to," Penny said. "Don't want the bottle-o to close before we stock up for the night."

  “Don’t worry about that, mate!” Dave waved goodbye. “Beer’s on me!”

  Once outside, Penny pointed to the door at the end of the row of shops. "That way for food," she said.

  Red didn
’t wait for further explanation, diving forward to pull the rattling screen door open for his friends as he inhaled deeply. “I smell dumplings!”

  Amelia whispered in Penny’s ear before she slipped inside, “They don’t have one of those cats, do they?”

  Penny shook her head. “Nope. At least, she didn’t have one last time I was here.”

  “Hello?” Red tapped the bell on the counter twice.

  “I’m coming, I’m coming.” Mrs. Chu shuffled out from the back room, a cup of tea in one hand and half a sandwich in the other. “Don’t you know it’s lunchtime?”

  “That’s why we’re here, Mrs. Chu.” Penny stepped out from behind Red’s large frame so her old friend could see her.

  Mrs. Chu squinted, then scowled. “You know better than to interrupt lunch, Penny. Is that Boots? I’m telling you now, if I see a single chewed-up rodent in my shop...”

  “It’s great to see you too,” Penny replied with a grin. The old woman was only this sour to those she loved. With anyone else, she was simply cold and polite.

  “Who are they?” Mrs. Chu gestured with her sandwich, ignoring the strip of lettuce that fell onto the counter. “Are they your American friends?”

  Penny gave a quick round of introductions. “We go to the Academy together,” she said by way of explanation.

  “Which one are you going to marry?” Mrs. Chu took a large bite of her sandwich, her mouth working furiously as she chewed it.

  Cisco choked. Red clapped him on the back while covering his own chortled cough. Amelia simply gave a prim smile and pointed at Penny’s boyfriend.

  Mrs. Chu continued chewing. After she finally swallowed her mouthful with a loud gulp, she looked him over. “He’s a little short for you,” she told Penny in a loud whisper.

  “I’ll take that under advisement,” Penny said, suppressing her laughter. “Now that you’ve finished your lunch, may we order ours?”