Ben (The Sherwood Series Book 3)

by Lee Wardlow

  She had to laugh at that. Disa knew my mother well. For the last six years, they attended the same church. Sometimes, they sat in the same bench together. Held hands during prayer. Sang the same songs. Listened to the gospels and readings. Disa was a good girl.

  Then she resumed patting my daughter’s back. “So, I wasn’t wrong,” she sounded uncertain. I turned and looked at her. “You loved me too?” She sounded uncertain. I nodded.

  I laughed at her this time. “I knew after I stopped seeing you that it was the biggest mistake of my life. I knew after I slept with Jasmine, that I could never have another chance with you Disa and it was all I wanted.” I hated admitting that I had made such a huge mistake by letting her go. It was hard to admit that I was an ass.

  She laid Asia back in her arms and picked up the bottle. Disa was avoiding me and my admission. “Why did you sleep with Jasmine then?” She finally asked. “You don’t know how that hurt me.”

  I glanced at her. It was a simple explanation. I was attracted to the same qualities that she had that reminded me of Disa. Her innocence. She wasn’t like the women that I slept with then left early in the morning, explaining that I had to work, sometimes it was the truth but most of the time, it was not.

  Jasmine was kind and she made me laugh. She was more like Disa than I cared to admit now looking back at the reasons that I had gone out with her. “I didn’t mean to hurt anyone,” I declared not willing or able to look at the woman sitting next to me. “I just wasn’t thinking. She was like a breath of fresh air compared to what I was doing in my life with woman after woman. I needed something different. What I wanted I couldn’t have.” A tiny sound escaped Disa, but I didn’t turn to look at her. I couldn’t. I couldn’t face what that declaration did to her. “Then she lied to me and I was devastated. I was beginning to think all women were alike.”

  “I’m not,” Disa declared. “I’ve never lied to you or tried to trick you.”

  I glanced over my shoulder at her. Her voice was soft and sweet, enticing me, drawing me to her, making me forget everything but her, right now, sitting beside me in my bed, fully clothed and more enticing than any other woman had ever been in my life.

  “No, you haven’t,” I agreed. She never had. Disa never would. “I’d really like it if you would go with me and Asia to the park. Then maybe we could grab lunch at the diner.”

  “I’d like that Ben.”

  Chapter 10

  I showered and changed into jeans and a sweater. Then we bundled up Asia in her pumpkin seat. Disa carried it while I carried the stroller and the diaper bag.

  We headed to her apartment, so she could shower and change before our trip to the park. It wasn’t far from the trailer to her apartment complex.

  The streets were curvy and lined with thick woods on either side of the road. The leaves had changed colors and were beginning to blanket the asphalt with a carpet of red, gold and green. I loved this time of year where the air was crisp and the mornings sometimes foggy. Hunting season wasn’t far off. We killed what we ate and no more. Granddad’s freezer stocked our supply of deer and wild turkey. Elijah was better with a bow, but we missed bow season this year because of the birth of our children.

  I parked where Disa told me to park. We had left her car at my trailer for now. She had to work later this evening, so I had to have her home by four, so she could get ready to go Ike’s.

  I liked spending time with her. I knew that tonight while she was working I would be thinking about her. I picked up Asia, releasing the pumpkin seat and followed Disa to the front door. She hesitated and looked towards the woods. She frowned at something she saw there.

  “What’s wrong?”

  She looked over her shoulder at me and shrugged. “Nothing, I thought I saw someone in the woods.” I looked in that direction. I didn’t see anything.

  “Must be a shadow,” I said.

  “Must be.” She didn’t sound convinced.

  We went up the two flights of stairs. I knew now why she was in such great shape if she did this several times a day. She smiled at me when we arrived at her door. “You’re out of shape, Ben.”

  “I only do weight lifting these days, Disa.”

  “I need to work with you on your cardio,” she teased me.

  I went inside with her and sat the baby on the floor. “I won’t be long.”

  “Take your time,” I told her. “I’m in no hurry.”

  Then I sat on the sofa while Disa headed down the short hall to the bathroom. Her drawing tablet was on the table. I stared at it for a moment wondering what lay inside that tablet. I should have respected her privacy. I did at first. Then the urge to snoop overwhelmed me and I opened the carboard facing.

  A picture of me was the first image there. One I assumed she did recently. I turned the page. I recognized her, a self-portrait. She looked sad. The hurt was evident in her eyes. Was it because of me? Or her parents disowning her after she left the compound? I turned another page and there were more pictures of me. Some as young as when I was in high school. I ran my hand over my jaw. She had created a great likeness of me. Then I dropped the cover and looked at my child.

  I couldn’t imagine not having her. Not loving her but I had screwed up by taking Jasmine out. I touched my daughter’s hand. She wasn’t a mistake. I truly believed that even though she was conceived in deceit. I was sure of it. I just wanted Disa to give me a second chance. I wanted her to be able to put this behind us and love me again.

  I was lost in thought when she slipped out of the bathroom, wrapped in only a towel. She glanced over her shoulder at me clutching her dirty clothes to her chest. “I forgot clean clothes.”

  I nodded but I couldn’t speak. Her back was firm and glistening with droplets of water from her shower. Her hair, she had tied up on her head. A few wayward curls had escaped her bun and were lying wet against the skin of her back.

  “I’ll be just a minute,” she said.

  She was right. She only took a minute to throw on a pair of jeans and a lavender sweater that brought out the color of her eyes. When she returned her hair was down and fluffed. Her curls wild about her face. She had on tennis shoes since we were going to be walking a lot.

  Then she snatched up her purse and dug through it looking for something. She pulled out a lipstick. A soft, shiny mauve color that was sheer.

  Disa walked to me then. “I’m ready.”

  She was. She was everything that I didn’t deserve but wanted desperately to have again. I lowered my eyes, so she wouldn’t see my need for her. I picked up Asia from the floor. I started to move thinking she would too, but she laid her hands against my chest stopping my forward progress.

  “Ben, what’s wrong? I know something is.”

  I shook my head. Nothing was really, wrong. I had just spent the best fourteen hours since we had broken up. How could I tell her what it meant to me?

  I leaned in and pressed my lips to her forehead. “Let’s go to the park,” I said.

  She sighed heavily like I was frustrating her. I probably was. I always had been good at that. I didn’t want to. I was just trying to get through this day with as much time with her as I possibly could squeeze out. I didn’t know when the next time would be. I wanted to take every minute I could get.

  She turned on her heel and looked back once before she headed for the door. I followed her like the good puppy I was. I stepped aside so Disa could lock the door to her apartment.

  We were back in the truck within minutes. Going down the steps was much easier on my, out of shape cardiovascular system than going up. I wasn’t quite as winded while she wasn’t winded at all.

  It didn’t take long to get to the park from Disa’s apartment. Two traffic lights and we were there. It sat on the outskirts of town on twenty acres of land donated by a patron of Sherwood who had died years ago. The city turned it into the park that it was today. The old house, a two-story colonial was beautiful in its day but had to be torn down because repairing it was too
costly for our town.

  Sherwood wasn’t that large. It was easy to get around with all the main businesses right in the heart of the city. I realized while walking beside Disa pushing Asia in the stroller that I had discovered something in the park. Life didn’t need to be complicated. I had been leading an uncomplicated life before Jasmine and I wanted to keep it that way now that I had a daughter.

  Asia filled something in my life that I was missing, and Disa I realized could also fill the spot in my life that was empty since I had walked away from her six years ago. To keep it that way, I needed to address things quickly with Rachel and Dad.

  I wanted this woman. Once, a long time ago, I gave her up. I wasn’t sure that I could do it again if she was willing to give me a second chance. I wasn’t going to rush into anything because Disa seemed content like me to take things slowly.

  A sidewalk encircled the playground and ran the entire area of the park. We walked, side by side, halfway around the track. We were silent for a while then talking about nothing at all, making small talk but it was comfortable like it used to be, and I wanted to hang onto that. I wanted to hang onto her.

  A child laughed. It caught my attention. One day, I could see myself bringing Asia here, letting her play on the swing set. Sliding down the slide, shouting, “Catch me, Daddy.” That brought a smile to my face.

  We had a few years before this could happen, but I couldn’t wait for it. There were so many things I had to look forward to. We stopped by the pond and watched the ducks swimming about. I leaned on the fence and stared over the water, keeping one hand on the stroller.

  I was ashamed of myself for asking Jasmine to get rid of Asia. A woman has a right to do what is right for her and Jasmine wanted to keep Asia. At that time, the baby didn’t seem real to me. I couldn’t imagine myself becoming a father at that time. Now, here I am a single father raising this baby by myself.

  Granddad would be proud of the fact that I stepped up to the plate even before Asia was born. I might not have been there for her the way she needed me, but I let her know that I would take care of all her financial needs. I let her know she wouldn’t have to worry about paying hospital bills or doctor bills. I also let her know that she and the baby would be taken care of after our daughter was born.

  That isn’t what Jasmine wanted. She wanted me to marry her. We didn’t know each other well enough for that step. I wasn’t about to marry her, but I wanted to take care of my responsibilities as far as the child was concerned.

  The baby she carried still didn’t seem real to me until my sister sent me that photo of my daughter in her mother’s arms. Then I knew I had to be her father. Somehow, I had to be more than child support for Asia but not lead Jasmine on. We didn’t have a chance as a couple not when I loved someone else, but I wanted to be my child’s father.

  Disa tucked her hand through my arm. “What are you thinking, Ben? You’ve been contemplative this morning.”

  I glanced at her. Then at Asia. “I had such a hard time accepting the fact that Jasmine was pregnant.”

  “I know,” she replied. “Jasmine told me.”

  I shook my head. “Asia didn’t seem real to me.” I peeked into the stroller then looked at Disa. “She was so tiny in the picture that Danni sent me from the hospital. Jasmine had arranged for me to be able to visit her in the nursery. I think she wanted me to come to her room too. Danni said she was disappointed when I didn’t, but I didn’t want to confuse things between us. My only interest was in Asia. I didn’t want to hurt Jasmine any more than I had.” She nodded like she understood.

  I told Disa about that visit. Holding her for the first time was an amazing experience. One that I would never forget. I was still angry at Jasmine. Hurt by her lies. “I wanted to be a part of her life, Disa but I didn’t want to mislead Jasmine into thinking that there could be anything between us again.”

  “She told me that she wanted to marry you,” Disa said. She wasn’t looking at me while she waited for my response.

  “That wasn’t possible. We didn’t know each other well enough to get married. I had made a mistake taking her out in the first place. There was no reason to compound the issues we had by marrying. Jasmine had her head in the clouds. She wasn’t being realistic. I just wanted to be a father to my daughter. I wanted to be sure that she and Jasmine had all that they needed too.”

  Disa nodded once again. She was so quiet, I wasn’t sure what she was thinking. “And you did, Ben,” she replied. “Danni told me that you paid all her medical bills.”

  I nodded then continued trying to explain how I felt. She knew though. There were nights when she worked when Seth practically carried me out of the bar. Especially, that last night I saw her before yesterday morning at the store. That night when I pressed her against the wall and I kissed her. I kissed her because I wanted only her.

  Dad gave me the alcohol and let me drink myself into oblivion hoping that I would snap out of it. Then later, Mom would lecture me about alcohol not resolving anything.

  I couldn’t explain to them that it was temporary. There were times that I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to stop. I was afraid that I was on a downhill spiral because Jasmine had done a number on me. She lied to me and I had screwed up the only thing I wanted in this life. Disa Riley.

  “I’m so sorry, Ben.” Disa laid her head against my shoulder. I turned and kissed her temple. She looked up at me and our eyes met. They remained locked on each other for several minutes before she looked away. Then I did too.

  I focused on the pond. The water lapping against the shore. “When we were small, Mom would bring us here to play. She brought feed that we gave to the ducks and geese. Danni would get scared and run away which would only cause them to chase her,” I told Disa. She chuckled.

  “I didn’t have this normalcy. I want to give it to my children,” she said.

  I understood her feelings. This was the one place we had Mom’s full attention. That’s why I loved the park. “One of us that was bigger and stronger, like Elijah who was bigger than me and probably AJ and Heath at a young age, would grab her up off the ground and carry her away from them.”

  We looked forward to those moments with her. At the park, Mom wasn’t frazzled. Rachel loved being outdoors and that is when she was happiest being our mother. Maybe that is why I wanted to take Asia to the park. Although she was too small to enjoy it, I wanted to start creating these same memories for her that Mom had created for us.

  “Are you sure you didn’t have feelings for her?” Disa asked drawing me back to her. “It sounds like such a strong reaction for someone you barely knew.”

  I closed my eyes and tried to imagine the woman who had given birth to my daughter but the woman next to me was all I could see. I opened my eyes and turned towards Disa.

  “I’m sure,” I told her. I wasn’t ready to expound on my feelings for Disa just yet. I had said enough already about that topic when I didn’t know what Disa was feeling.

  “We only went on five dates, Disa. I enjoyed her sweetness. I needed something different in my life.” Someone like you. What I found was someone that reminded me of what I was missing and couldn’t have.

  “All right,” she agreed. Then Disa surprised me when she slipped her arms around my waist, hugging me. My arms wrapped around her, holding her close.

  Disa tilted her head up. Her beautiful eyes were gazing at me. Her mouth enticing me. She wanted me to kiss her. So much for us just being friends, I decided.

  I hovered trying to determine what to do. I wanted more with her than just friendship. I wasn’t sure what to do. I thought maybe I should talk to Mom first. Feel her out. Get the green light. She would help me clear things with Dad.

  Those eyes though. They were drawing me in. Encouraging me to just go ahead and kiss her. I lowered my head and brushed my lips across Disa’s. My hands moved from holding her to cupping her face.

  Her skin was soft beneath my fingers. I moaned against her lips and she moaned in ret
urn. I was getting excited and being in the park surrounded by families with small children, that would not do.

  I raised my head. My hands still held her face between my palms. I had always known that kissing this woman was like kissing an angel. Once was never going to be enough. She was that intoxicating to me. “What is it, about you?” I asked her.

  “What do you mean?” She sounded breathless like I felt.

  I shook my head trying to clear the confusion I was feeling. I couldn’t explain to her how I was feeling right this minute. The overwhelming sense of belonging when I was with her. The need to just kiss her again. Would she even want to hear it after I had been with Jasmine?

  I couldn’t regret being with Disa’s cousin because it had brought me Asia. The little girl had changed my life. I rested my forehead against Disa’s. I wanted to tell her all the things going through my head but couldn’t. Not yet. I was so confused and afraid I would just make it worse. I was a Hatfield after all. We weren’t known for being tactful or good with words.

  Then the words just started tumbling out and I couldn’t stop them. I whispered to her, “I can’t regret being with Jasmine because it gave me Asia.” Disa nodded her head against my own.

  “Disa, having her is a feeling that I can’t explain.” She nodded against me again but now her eyes were closed. “But there is a huge part of me that regrets not standing up to Dad and telling him how I felt about you, years ago. I was afraid Disa.” I felt a sense of relief that I had told her what I was feeling. I waited for Disa to respond. I waited a few seconds more, getting twitchy that she wasn’t saying anything.

  “What were you afraid of, Ben?” She asked.

  I kissed her lips again. The kiss giving me the courage to tell her how I felt. “I was afraid of you,” I explained.

  “Of me,” she repeated questioning me. “Ben, it’s just me. Why were you afraid of me?”

  I sighed. The sound was heavy and hurt filled. I knew where it came from. It was from walking away from her. I wanted her to understand how I felt then and all these years without her. I wanted her to know how she made me feel then and now, but I didn’t have the words to explain to her what she had meant to me.