Wall of Silence

by Tracy Buchanan

  ‘Exactly,’ Melissa said, crossing her arms and facing away from Rosemary.

  Rosemary was right, though: she should have been there. Instead, she had been burying the knife one of their kids had used to put Patrick in this precarious situation. Had she made a mistake, deciding to protect them?

  But as she thought that, she remembered them standing on the landing in their nightwear a few minutes ago, the vulnerable looks on their faces. Her poor darlings. All she knew was that something had gone badly wrong in their family and she needed to fix it.

  The door opened, the doctor poking her head in. ‘You can see him now.’

  They all followed her through the quiet ward, past sleeping patients, until they got to the room Patrick had been moved to. When they walked in, Melissa tried to hide her surprise at the sight of her husband. He looked even worse than he had yesterday, a blue tinge to his lips, his skin horribly mottled. His breathing was ragged, a new machine next to him now pumping in oxygen.

  Melissa went to him and kissed his face. ‘I’m sorry I wasn’t here, darling, I’m so sorry.’

  As she looked at him, she realised she really could lose him . . . and if she did, one of their kids could be put away for his murder.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Sunday 21st April, 2019

  10.45 a.m.

  Dad nearly died. That would have made me a murderer.

  A murderer!

  That’s all I can think when I look at him now. Mum made us come visit him. She said Dad still might not make it. That he has an infection. She didn’t even sugar-coat it. I think she was just too tired. Too scared too. None of us tried to even push back. We knew we had to go, no excuses. So here we are, and I can’t get a grip on how I feel. All I know is that Dad isn’t Dad any more. I mean, we’ve kind of been saying that for the last few weeks anyway, how we don’t see him the same way we used to. But to see him lying in that bed with all those tubes coming out of him and the way his head’s all been shaved. Yeah, we all agreed it when Mum just went to the loo and left us alone with him. Dad totally isn’t Dad any more.

  It’s like what Maddy said once about her parents splitting up. How they became different people in her eyes. Together, they were a unit, ‘Mum and Dad’, ‘my parents’. But when they split up, they made different shapes in her mind. Even at just five, she could see it. Her dad got all withdrawn, quiet, and sort of turned his back on society again. But it was actually her mum who changed the most. The way she chopped off her hair and started going crazy for the gym. Maddy always says it’s like she was thrown into a completely different life with different people.

  I suppose that’s the way it’s been for us too with Dad, ever since we overheard that argument with Ryan last month. Our parents are different people than what we thought, more fragile and brittle, and it feels like we’ve been living a lie all this time. And now we’re thrown into this new life Maddy talks about, except our new life is full of blood and lies and tubes, like the ones right there in front of us.

  I put my head on the bed and the other two crowd around me, putting their arms around me and trying to shut me up before Mum gets in because I’m saying sorry, sorry, sorry over and over.

  I took it too far. I know that now. But what choice did I have, in that moment? And now the whole village wants to kill me, see me hanged, according to that stupid community meeting. I wish we’d just said the truth from the start. But we’re too far gone now, and we have to think about Mum, don’t we?

  Mum walks back in and comes straight to me, putting her arms around me. ‘It’ll be alright,’ she whispers. ‘It’ll be alright.’

  I think of that drawing of the oak tree with her hiding in it. I think of her arms like the bark, her scent like the smell of the forest.

  Familiar. Safe. Protective.

  But for how long?

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Monday 22nd April, 2019

  12.45 p.m.

  Melissa dragged herself out of her car, putting her hand to her mouth and yawning. She’d spent most of the past thirty-two hours with Patrick in hospital, bar the time she went back to Rosemary and Bill’s to collect the kids to see him the day before.

  It had been strange seeing the kids at the hospital together, staring at their dad like he was a stranger. It made her heart break and all she wanted to do now was see them. They’d spent the night at Daphne’s, Melissa not wishing to leave them alone, as Bill and Rosemary wanted to spend as much time as they could at the hospital.

  Melissa had taken it in turns with them the night before, watching over Patrick. When it wasn’t her turn, she’d tried to sleep on a battered leather chair in Patrick’s hospital room. But every rasp of his breath, every tiny little movement from a patient or nurse outside, had her opening her eyes and rushing to his bedside, checking he was still breathing.

  And he was, thank God. In fact, he was fighting off the infection and was past the worst now.

  ‘Of course he is,’ Bill had said that morning when the doctor told them. ‘He has Byatt genes.’

  Melissa had wanted to tell Bill to shut up when he’d said that. She wanted to tell him it had nothing to do with bloody Byatt genes and everything to do with how hard the hospital staff had worked to bring Patrick back from the edge. But she didn’t because she knew this was his way of coping, telling himself nothing could possibly hurt his perfect son because he was a Byatt.

  Melissa slammed the car door shut now and walked up Daphne’s path. She lived in one of the smaller houses in the village, three roads away from the forest in the middle of a row of smart, identical semi-detached houses. In typical Daphne fashion, though, her house stood out with its bright blue door and pale green painted wood, much to the disdain of her neighbours. Melissa liked the look, though; it was subtle yet pretty.

  She walked to the front door and rang the doorbell. There was the sound of chatter then Daphne appeared.

  ‘Hello, my love,’ she said with a sad smile. She drew Melissa into an instant embrace and Melissa found herself sinking into her friend’s slim frame, welcoming her familiarity. ‘How’s Patrick?’ Daphne asked.

  ‘Through the worst,’ Melissa replied. ‘Rosemary and Bill are with him.’

  ‘Good, you need the break. Come in, I’ve just started making lunch, actually. It’ll be ready in an hour. Just home-made quiche, but it’s yummy.’

  ‘Thanks.’

  Melissa slipped her trainers off then followed Daphne down the hallway, past beautiful, vibrant canvasses of art on the wall. ‘How have the kids been?’ she asked.

  ‘Grace and Lewis seem their normal selves, a bit subdued, but that’s only natural.’

  ‘And Lilly?’

  Daphne frowned. ‘Not herself.’ She peered up the stairs. ‘She’s up in Maddy’s room now. Go and see her while the others are in the garden, if you want?’

  ‘Good idea.’

  Melissa found Lilly curled up in Maddy’s room with her back to the door. She walked over to her, sitting on the bed and stroking her long, wavy hair.

  ‘Lilly?’ she said.

  Lilly shuffled slightly but didn’t turn around.

  ‘Darling, look at me,’ Melissa said, putting her hand on her daughter’s head.

  Lilly turned to her, tears falling down her cheeks, and Melissa’s heart broke for her. It was rare to see Lilly like this; she was so good at keeping her emotions in check.

  ‘Oh Lils,’ she said, pulling Lilly into her arms and letting her sob into her shoulder. ‘My darling girl. Let it all out.’

  ‘It’s just so shit, Mum,’ Lilly mumbled into her mother’s top. ‘It’s so fucking shit.’

  ‘I know, darling, I know.’

  ‘Dad looked really bad.’

  ‘He’s better now.’

  ‘He’s not, though, is he?’ Lilly said, angrily wiping the tears from her face. ‘He could still die.’

  Though it broke her heart to see Lilly like this, it also gave her some solace. The kids had been so detach
ed about Patrick’s grave condition it had horrified her. But now here Lilly was, actually registering some fear for her father.

  Regret too, maybe?

  ‘I really think he’ll pull through, darling, honestly,’ Melissa said. ‘In fact, I was chatting to the doctor this morning, and they might try to wake him later in the week.’

  Lilly’s eyes widened.

  ‘That’s a good thing, you know, Lilly,’ Melissa said, hating her daughter’s reaction to the news that her father might wake up. ‘It means your dad will survive, that he’ll be back to normal.’

  Lilly avoided her gaze. ‘Yeah, I know.’

  ‘I haven’t really talked to you,’ Melissa said softly. ‘Not just you and me. You know you can talk to me, don’t you?’

  Lilly nodded, suddenly finding her silver nail polish fascinating.

  ‘I think we’re pretty good at talking,’ Melissa said. ‘You always say that. Definitely compared to Maddy and Daphne, anyway,’ she said, lowering her voice. ‘I remember you telling me how Maddy was jealous about the fact us two could talk about anything. Heavy periods, boys, exam worries, anything.’

  ‘We can,’ Lilly said with a faint smile. ‘You’re the best.’

  ‘Then why won’t you tell me what happened on Thursday afternoon?’

  The smile disappeared off Lilly’s face. ‘I can’t.’

  ‘Not even though you know I’d do anything to protect you guys?’ She leaned in close. ‘I hid the knife the other night,’ she whispered in Lilly’s ear. She clutched her shoulder and looked her in the eye. ‘If that doesn’t prove I’m on your side, then I don’t know what does.’

  ‘I know, Mum, Lewis said.’

  Melissa sighed. They were all willing to tell each other everything, so why was she met with a wall of silence whenever she tried?

  She decided to try another tack. ‘I was looking at photos on my phone last night,’ she said with a smile. ‘I came across some of the New Year’s Eve party at the forest centre. Look,’ she went on, digging her phone out and scrolling through the photos to find the one she meant. It was of the five of them – her, Patrick and the kids – all dressed up in eighties gear and smiling at the camera. ‘We were so happy, weren’t we?’

  Lilly’s face clouded over as she looked at the photo. ‘Yeah,’ she whispered.

  Melissa scrolled through some others, stopping at one that showed Carter in the background. ‘I think Carter Cooper was pretty drunk that night.’

  Lilly’s lip curled. ‘Yuck. I can’t stand him.’

  ‘I don’t think he’s a huge fan of mine.’

  Lilly frowned. ‘Why d’you say that?’

  ‘Oh, apparently he was saying stuff about me that night?’

  Lilly’s face flickered slightly. ‘Was he? Well, he’s a dick, isn’t he?’ She put her hand to her tummy and winced. ‘Actually, Mum, I have a mega heavy period. Can I just lie down for a bit longer? It really hurts.’

  Melissa wasn’t convinced Lilly was telling the truth. Lilly lay back down and pulled the duvet cover over her. As Melissa looked at her, a thought occurred to her: Lilly’s period pains, Lewis’s asthma attack, then Grace’s outbursts. Were they all manufactured to make Melissa stop questioning them?

  She peered over at the bedside table by Lilly to see some paracetamols there. Maybe she really did have period pains?

  No, they weren’t manipulative enough to fake it like that, surely? They were just kids. Her kids.

  She stroked Lilly’s head and gently kissed her cheek then walked out of the room, leaning against the wall outside and taking in an exhausted breath. She looked down at her phone again, finding the family photo from New Year’s Eve. They really had seemed so happy then. Patrick was dressed in tennis gear with a mullet wig and neon headband while Melissa was in a silver dress with huge shoulder pads, her hair teased into perm-like curls by Lilly. Lilly was dressed as Madonna, with a pink net top, black flared skirt and leggings, and Lewis looked like his normal self but this time in an Argentine Maradona football T-shirt instead of a Chelsea one. Grace was dressed as Matilda, her favourite character from the eighties book by Roald Dahl, her usually fair hair covered with a dark brown bobbed wig.

  Melissa noticed Maddy was in the background, dressed in a power suit and with enormous earrings, her usually dark hair crimped. But it wasn’t her costume Melissa noticed . . . it was the way she was glaring at Patrick’s back.

  She zoomed in. Yes, there was definitely hate in her dark eyes. What was that all about?

  Melissa tucked her phone in her pocket and walked downstairs. She found Maddy and Grace sitting on a picnic blanket in the sun together, looking at a magazine while Lewis kicked a ball about on the lawn.

  ‘Mum!’ Grace said when she saw her mother. Maddy peered up from her magazine and smiled. Melissa examined her face. Sure, she knew she wasn’t exactly a huge fan of Patrick’s political views, but that was pure hate she’d seen in her eyes.

  ‘Hello, darling,’ Melissa said as Grace ran up to her. She pulled her into a hug and kissed her cheek. She gave Lewis a wave and he smiled.

  ‘Dad’s doing better,’ she said, even though neither Grace nor Lewis had even bothered asking her.

  ‘Hey, Maddy,’ she said, strolling over to the young girl. ‘What have you guys been reading?’

  ‘Oh, just an article about plastics in the sea,’ Maddy said, regarding Melissa over her John Lennon-style sunglasses. ‘I mean, seriously, when are the powers that be going to do something about it?’

  Grace nodded solemnly beside her, something she always tended to do when it came to Maddy, her real-life hero.

  ‘Well, it’s something Patrick might be able to take up when he wakes,’ Melissa said. ‘He knows a few politicians.’

  She examined Maddy’s face, but she didn’t seem to react. Maybe Melissa was reading too much into that photo.

  Maddy stood up and stretched, revealing the small piercing in her pale tummy. ‘I’m gonna get a drink. Do you want one?’

  ‘No, thanks,’ Melissa said.

  She watched Maddy pad inside and frowned. Just like the kids, she seemed so dismissive of Patrick, despite him lying in hospital in a coma. What had he done to make them all act like this? It was like the worst kind of puzzle to solve, and it was exhausting her!

  She lay back on the picnic blanket as Grace continued reading Maddy’s magazine beside her. She realised she hadn’t really felt the sun on her face the past few days, and she had to admit it felt good. Before Melissa knew it, she was asleep, that same dream she always had shimmering into her mind: the sound of a branch cracking. A rope. A ballet shoe abandoned on the ground.

  She woke with a start as she felt ice-cold pressure on her arms.

  ‘Lilly!’ she said as she noticed her older daughter sliding an ice cube down her arms.

  ‘It was the only way I could wake you up!’ Lilly declared. Behind her, Daphne smiled as she laid food out on the garden table with Lewis and Grace’s help.

  Melissa grabbed Lilly’s arms, pulling her down as she giggled. It was good to see her smiling again.

  ‘Is your tummy okay?’ she asked, as their mock fight turned into a hug.

  ‘Yeah, a little bit better.’

  ‘Right, grub’s up,’ Daphne said. ‘Alexa, play the Daphne Chill playlist,’ she commanded the device sitting a few feet away in her kitchen.

  The kids rolled their eyes as they sat at the table. They hated all their parents’ ‘cheesy playlists’, as they called them. But as the music started, the kids ended up singing along to the tunes.

  ‘This is lush,’ Lilly said, leaning back in her chair as she ate, blinking up at the sun.

  ‘I know,’ Maddy said, doing the same. The two girls looked so different: Lilly with her long caramel hair and white and silver shorts, then Maddy with her bright pink hair and ripped black shorts. But somehow, they worked together.

  ‘Ergh, I can’t believe I’m back to school soon,’ Maddy said. ‘Why does our school have t
o make Easter half term so early? The kids in Ashbridge have another week.’

  ‘Yes, but they only broke up last week,’ Daphne said. ‘You all still get the two weeks off.’

  ‘I thought you liked school?’ Melissa asked her.

  ‘Only when Mr Quinn’s doing Citizenship,’ Lilly said, wiggling her eyebrows at Maddy. Lewis frowned, focusing on shovelling quiche into his mouth. He clearly still had feelings for Maddy. Actually, now Melissa thought about it, Maddy had split up with him early in the New Year. Was it a coincidence it was only a few days after that New Year’s Eve party?

  ‘Oh, shut up,’ Maddy said, throwing a napkin at her friend as Grace laughed. ‘It’s the subject I like, not Quinny.’

  Her eyes glanced over at Lewis then quickly away again. Lilly looked at them both then smiled.

  ‘I’ve always had this theory that Mads will end up falling for a Tory boy,’ she said. ‘I mean, Mum was a bit of a leftie, weren’t you, right, Mum? Then you met Dad?’

  Melissa laughed. ‘I didn’t give a damn about politics back then, darling. And I don’t think your dad did either, really. We were just kids.’

  ‘Well, I’m totally up for marrying a politician,’ Lilly said, twirling her long hair between her fingers. ‘Even a Tory. Imagine all those magazine covers?’

  ‘Oh my God, seriously?’ Maddy said, shaking her head but smiling all the same.

  ‘Yeah, I reckon Jeremy Leadsom would make an awesome husband,’ Lilly replied, referring to the brightest boy in their year.

  Lewis rolled his eyes as Grace quirked her lips into a small smile.

  ‘Jeremy and Lilly, sitting in a tree,’ Maddy started, before collapsing into a fit of giggles.

  Melissa watched Lilly as she giggled with her friend. She was a complete contrast to the way she’d been an hour ago, full of light and fun. But Lilly was good at that, switching from darkness to light at the click of a finger, pretending everything was okay.

  ‘Do you know what?’ Lilly said. ‘I think I’d like to go back to school tomorrow, actually.’