Silver Bells

by Raney,Deborah

  No. Scratch that. She shouldn’t be on a date! He and Michelle had a thing going. He hadn’t imagined that. The only obstacle between them was his dad, and he’d taken care of that. Okay, to be fair, Michelle didn’t know that yet. But couldn’t the woman have a little patience? According to her, she’d been willing to wait for Soldier Boy for however long it took. She couldn’t give Rob Merrick two weeks?

  He would’ve worried about what he’d say if she spotted him, but the way they were giving each other googly eyes, he had nothing to worry about. She wouldn’t have noticed if a UFO had landed in the middle of Milt’s.

  He’d told her he’d call her this evening about getting together. He wondered if she’d tell him where she’d had lunch. And who with. Not that she owed him anything. She didn’t. Not really.

  But he was disappointed. Deeply disappointed. She’d lied to him, and she was sitting twenty feet from him, flirting with another guy. Two huge strikes. Maybe he just wouldn’t call her. Or maybe he’d call her just to test her. If she said nothing about her lunch date, that was it. Three strikes and she was out.

  Somebody had put a quarter in the jukebox in the front of the restaurant, and Rob found no comfort in the fact that the machine was belting out Bobby Sherman’s “Easy Come, Easy Go.”

  * * *

  Though she was laughing on the outside, another knot twisted its way into Michelle’s stomach. She still couldn’t believe he was here, sitting across the table from her. Kevin Ferris. Why couldn’t she be having a lousy time with him? Why couldn’t it feel awkward and uncomfortable, being together again? Then, at least, she would be sure that it was time to move on, time to seek another direction for her life.

  But that was exactly the problem. She thought she had moved on. Now, being with Kevin, she wasn’t sure about anything. Was this God’s way of guiding her? Of giving back to her what she thought she’d lost?

  Still, they’d only talked about old times, laughed at funny memories, skirting around the things they really needed to talk about.

  Their laughter died down, and Kevin’s expression turned serious. He reached across the table and took her hand. “I’m sorry, Michelle. I don’t know what was wrong with me. I just…I looked at the future and it scared me. I didn’t want to just settle and then regret it.”

  “Just settle, huh? Wow. Thanks.”

  “Oh, man…” He smacked his forehead comically. “That didn’t come out right. I didn’t mean you. What I meant was, I didn’t want to just settle down in Bristol, USA, without knowing what else was out there. If I chose—if I choose this place to live out my life, I want it to be because I’ve seen what else is out there and I know that this is what I want. Not just what I ended up with.” He captured her gaze and squeezed her hand. “Am I making any sense at all?”

  She nodded, her throat too tight to speak. “Kevin…” She worked to compose herself. “I do understand. It just…when it happened, it felt very personal.”

  “I understand that. Now. And I’m sorry. I wish I could have expressed, back then, how much it wasn’t about you. And that should have told me something in itself. I was too self-centered and immature to have anything to offer you. I’m sorry.”

  “And I was the same,” she said. “We were both too young to know what we wanted. Who we wanted.”

  “I’d like to think I’ve grown up a little bit over these past two years. Maybe by the time I get out…if I come home—”

  “Please don’t talk that way.”

  He shrugged. “I’m sorry. That probably sounds like I’m trying to make you take pity on me. That’s not my intention at all. It’s just the way we learn to think over there. I don’t even give it a thought any more. It’s just…reality.”

  She gave a little shudder. “Is it awful?”

  That shrug again. It made him look vulnerable and boyish. “I’ve seen things no man should ever have to see. And I’m not sure I even know what I’m fighting for.”

  Her heart broke for him. War was hell. How often had her dad said that? “Are you afraid—to go back?”

  “I’m not afraid to die, if that’s what you mean. I know where I’m going…if anything happens. I settled things with Him”—he cut his eyes to the ceiling—“long before I got on that plane.”

  “I’m so glad. So glad, Kevin.” Relief flooded her. In all the prayers she’d said for him those many months after he broke things off, her most fervent was that Kevin was right with God. That he hadn’t lost the faith he’d professed when they were teenagers. They hadn’t talked a lot about spiritual things back then. Probably hadn’t taken their faith seriously enough, either of them. But they’d been in youth group together and she’d always hoped Kevin truly believed the things they’d been taught about God, about faith in Christ.

  Their waitress came and cleared away their dishes. “Can I get y’all some more Cokes, or maybe coffee and dessert?”

  Kevin looked to her. “Will you split a piece of pie with me?”

  “No, thanks, but I’ll take some coffee while you eat your pie.”

  “We’ll take an apple pie with vanilla ice cream and two coffees.” He winked at the waitress. “And bring us two forks, please. I happen to remember that this woman can eat me under the table when it comes to apple pie.”

  Michelle kicked him under the table, but the humor brought a much-needed diversion. And veered the conversation away from a direction she feared it’d been headed.

  Chapter 33

  “The driveway’s right here…on the right.” Michelle pointed at the windshield. “You need to drive back behind the house. I live in the apartment upstairs.”

  Kevin turned the rental car onto the narrow driveway, creeping around to the back of the house.

  “This is good right here. Thanks.” She put a hand on the door handle. Oh, how to say good-bye? There was no way to not make this awkward.

  Kevin put the car in Park. He raked his cap off and tucked it inside his jacket. “It’s so good to see you. I sometimes thought I might have lost you forever. Mish…if that was true, I would have lost the best thing that ever happened to me.”

  What was he saying? “Kevin—”

  He held up a hand. “Hear me out. Please. I know it’s not fair to ask you to wait for me”—he gave a sheepish grin—“especially when you already offered and I turned you down.” He pivoted in his seat to put his arm up over the backrest. “I’ve never stopped thinking about you, Michelle. I’ve never stopped caring for you. You were a huge part of my life—a good part of my life—and I’d like to try again. To see if maybe—”

  “Oh, Kevin. I’m so sorry. I—” She swallowed the lump that crowded her throat.

  His jaw dropped, and realization sparked in his eyes. “There’s someone else, isn’t there? I should have known you wouldn’t still be available.” He shook his head. “I took you for granted. I’m sorry.”

  Oh, Kevin. It’s too late. “No…I’m sorry,” she whispered. “You will always have a tender place in my heart. And I’m grateful for what we had together. But I’m also grateful you made the decision you did. I’m not sure I would have ever discovered who I am, what I truly want out of life.”

  He folded and refolded his cap between his fingers before he looked down at her with a crooked grin. “Funny, there was a time I got the impression pretty strong that it was me you wanted out of life.”

  She sighed. “It was. It was, Kevin. At least that’s what I thought I wanted. I’m…grateful for what we had. I’ll always cherish the memories of that first love. But when you left, I—I had to move on. I don’t know if I can go back again.” It would be cruel to tell him now that back then, she’d been more in love with love than she’d been in love with him. But it struck her now that maybe it was the truth.

  Was that the case with Rob Merrick? Was she so desperate to be in love that she’d fall for any man who showed an interest in her?

  “I need to go, Kevin. Thank you for lunch. I’m glad I got to see you. I really am. I pra
y God keeps you safe. I–I’ve prayed for you a lot.”

  She opened the door and the interior light came on, making harsh shadows across his face. He reached out his hand and she held it, but loosely, terrified he might try to draw her into an embrace.

  But he didn’t. He squeezed her hand then let go. “Thank you for that. I need all the prayers I can get.”

  She started to get out but he called her name, louder than he needed to.

  She turned back to look at him. His eyes held more sadness than she could bear.

  “Don’t write me off, Michelle. Keep an open mind, okay? I can’t make any promises. I know you understand that. But just—keep me in mind, would you? Remember what we had together. And maybe write to me once in a while?”

  She nodded slowly, wanting to lay some parameters, wanting to tell him she couldn’t make any promises either. But like before, it would seem like such a cruelty to leave him that way. To send him back to Nam that way. And the truth was, she would keep him in mind. He’d been too important a part of her life not to. She would never forget what they’d had. Never forget that he’d been her first love.

  And so she nodded and smiled softly and went into the house with a heart that was heavy—and more confused than ever.

  * * *

  Rob paced the back deck, hoping his dad wouldn’t see him and come out to ask what was wrong. But he was too antsy to stay caged in upstairs another minute.

  He looked at his watch and sighed. Michelle was probably expecting his call about now. He was tempted to call her and play dumb about seeing her and that soldier at Milt’s this afternoon. Would she tell him about it, or would she string him along the way she apparently had been doing for a while now?

  No. That wasn’t fair. He was jumping to conclusions. Maybe that guy was her brother and he was in ROTC or something. But Rob knew better. The uniform was real. And nobody looked at their sister the way that guy had looked at Michelle.

  He felt sick to his stomach. And now he had to call her and tell her he’d quit his job for her sake. Maybe it wasn’t too late to turn down the job at the Eagle. He hadn’t told Dad yet. He could call Jim Clemson and say that something had come up and he was going to have to decline the offer.

  But if he did that, he’d be stuck in the Beacon office, sitting in a cubicle beside Michelle every day. Smelling her heady perfume and knowing she was off-limits. He wasn’t sure he could survive that.

  Well, nothing was going to change because he paced a hole in the deck. He may as well go make the call and get it over with. Lord, let me be kind, and don’t let me say something I’ll regret.

  He went inside and heard his father talking on the phone in the den down the hall. He went to listen at the door of the den for a minute. It sounded like Dad was deep in conversation with someone about newspaper-industry stuff. Great. Judging by how those conversations usually went, it might be another hour before he could get to the phone.

  Times like this, he couldn’t wait to get his own place. He’d toyed with the idea of getting an apartment in Wichita. His salary was more than enough to rent a decent apartment, especially if he wasn’t spending money on gas commuting from Bristol. Of course if he was with Michelle he’d be driving back to Bristol—

  Stop it, Merrick. He rubbed his face and went back out to the kitchen. He wasn’t going to be with Michelle. Might as well brace himself for the truth.

  And might as well get it over with. He scribbled a note to his dad and went out to the Pinto. There wouldn’t be anybody at the office on a Sunday night. He’d call her from there.

  * * *

  Main Street was a ghost town, and the alley behind the Beacon office was empty. Rob unlocked the office and relocked the door behind him. The path to his cubicle was lit by dim overhead lights that were always left on at night so the police could see into the building. He plopped into his chair, steeling himself to make the call. He dialed Michelle’s number and waited, his mouth all cotton.

  “Hello?”

  “Hi…it’s me.”

  “Hey, Rob. How’s it going?”

  He hesitated, trying without success to read her demeanor over the phone lines. “Are you still wanting to get together?”

  Nervous laughter. “I thought you were the one who needed to talk to me.”

  “I just meant…does it still work for you?” He hadn’t meant to be so short with her, but under the circumstances he wasn’t sure he cared.

  “Yes, any time is fine.”

  “I’m at the Beacon. Do you want to come here? Or I could come to your place….”

  “I’ll come down there. Are you ready now?”

  “Any time. I’ll leave the back door open.”

  “Okay, I’ll come right now.”

  He unlocked the door then went to the break room to put some decaf on to brew. When he brought two steaming mugs out to his desk, she was just coming in the back entrance. Bundled in a heavy jacket, a scarf wound loosely around her long, slender neck, she looked beautiful. Her cheeks were flushed from the cold, and unruly ringlets framed her face. She sure wasn’t making this easy.

  He went to meet her and held her coffee while she took off her coat and scarf and hung them on a hook in the back entry.

  “Hi.” He handed over one of the steaming mugs.

  “Hi.” She studied him. “You really have me curious, you know.”

  “Yeah… Let’s go sit in the reception room.”

  She nodded and followed him through the labyrinth of desks to the front of the building. They took opposite ends of the wide couch. She curled one leg up under her and sipped at her coffee, eyeing him over the rim of the mug.

  He took a deep breath. “I’m just going to be blunt here. Are you back with your boyfriend—Kevin?”

  Her eyes widened. “Where did you get that?”

  “I saw you with him today. At Milt’s.”

  “You were there?” She scooted deeper into her corner of the couch. “What, were you spying on me?”

  “No. I was there with my father. Having lunch. Are you back with him?”

  She shook her head, though not convincingly. “I didn’t even know he was home until he showed up at church this morning. We went out to lunch, that’s all.”

  “I’m sorry, but it looked like you were pretty cozy.”

  She opened her mouth and started to say something, but then she heaved a sigh and dropped her head.

  “What’s going on, Michelle?”

  When she looked up again, he was surprised to see tears in her eyes. “I don’t know. I’m feeling a little…confused right now.”

  “About…?”

  “Kevin and I were together for three years, Rob. He was my first love. It’s hard to just—”

  “I thought he dumped you.”

  “I guess he’s reconsidering.”

  “So he wants you back? Is he out of the service?”

  “No. He has at least two more years to go.”

  “But he wants you to wait for him?”

  “Something like that.”

  “And did you tell him you would?”

  “No. No…” She shook her head emphatically.

  And it gave him a little hope. Maybe cruel hope, but still, his spirits rose a notch. But then, his spirits did that just being in her presence. “So…what’s the deal?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Michelle, I don’t want to play games.” He scooted forward on the couch until his knees touched the low coffee table. “I think you know what I mean,” he said, without looking at her.

  “Rob, I’m so confused right now. I don’t know what ‘the deal’ is. With Kevin. With you. With anybody.”

  He looked over at her. “I’m not interested in pursuing a woman who’s already spoken for, so I’d appreciate it if you’d just tell me if it’s over between you and me.”

  “I don’t want it to be. I don’t.” Her voice cracked. “But…”

  “But…?”

  She shook her head an
d seemed to struggle for words. “I wasn’t aware there was exactly anything between you and me.”

  He chose to ignore that and went for the more important question. “Do you love him?”

  She closed her eyes and rested her head on the back of the couch. “I think a part of me will always love him a little bit. Don’t you have a special place in your heart for your first love?”

  He nodded. “Yes. I do.” He didn’t tell her that she was his first love.

  “Then you understand.”

  “Maybe. But I’m not the kind of guy who likes chasing someone who’s playing hard-to-get. I’m not going to chase you if I know there’s no hope of catching you.”

  “I’m not asking you to chase me. I–I’m asking you to be patient. Can you give me a little time to sort things out?”

  “Define ‘a little,’ please.”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Michelle”—he angled himself toward her on the couch—“what is it you want? What do you really want out of life?”

  “Out of life?”

  “Yes. If money was no object, what would you do with your life? Do you want to go back to college? Be a journalist? Join the army?”

  “Hey!” She frowned at him like a stern schoolteacher.

  “Kidding. Just seeing if you were listening.”

  “Of course I’m listening. But you know what? The last time I told a guy what I really, really wanted—in my deepest heart of hearts—he dumped me and, well, joined the army. So you can understand why I’m a little hesitant to just spout off about my dreams.” She shifted and curled both legs underneath her. She was close enough he could smell her baby-powder scent.

  “He dumped you because of your dream? What on earth would make—” Suddenly it hit him. “Is it singing? Is that what you want to do with your life?”

  Her expression revealed nothing.

  “You have a gorgeous voice, Mish. As good as Karen Carpenter. Better, even. You could totally make it in the music—”

  “No, it’s not that.” She shook her head and gave a nervous laugh. “Good grief. Being a singer is the last thing I ever dreamed of.”