Vivid

by Jessica Wilde

  When I sat him on his bed, he grabbed my hips and brought me between his legs. "You sure you don't want to make out for a while?"

  It was awfully tempting, especially when he looked so hopeful. But his recovery was more important than my desperation for his touch.

  "We've got work to do, then I promise we can relax for a bit."

  He smirked, bouncing his eyebrows up and down. "I like the sound of that."

  I laughed and shook my head. "You're impossible."

  "You like it."

  "Shut up and give me your leg."

  "Oh, she's bossy. You've been holding out on me, Grace Samuelson."

  The heat in my face was overwhelming. This was the Merrick I knew so long ago. Playful and happy. Always trying to make someone laugh.

  I slowly lifted his leg and started the movements we had been doing for a good week. When I turned the effort over to him, he was lifting his leg higher than ever before and he didn't look as strained as he usually did.

  "Looks like it's you that's been holding out on me, Merrick Thatcher. Where did this determination come from?

  He grunted as he dropped his leg for a short rest. "I don't know what you're talking about."

  The smirk on his face was a dead giveaway.

  "Oh my God. You have been holding back. Why?"

  "Maybe I wanted your hands on me more than I wanted to walk on this thing. So, I might have faked it a bit."

  I didn't know what to say to that. It excited me and worried me all at once. There was no question Merrick wanted to be back to one-hundred percent. He complained about it endlessly in the beginning. I wanted him to progress, but knowing he sacrificed a little of that just to be close to me was a turn-on.

  If that made me pathetic, then I was a hot, pathetic mess.

  "What are you thinking, Grace?"

  I watched him complete another rep before, lifting his pant leg to check the scars over his shin. He wasn't near as self-conscious about it as he used to be, but I still felt his muscles tense when I touched the raised skin with my fingers.

  "Any pain today?"

  "Not there."

  I glanced up to see the hungry expression he was sending my way. "Then where?" I whispered.

  "Tell me what you're thinking about and I'll let you kiss it better."

  I rolled my eyes, ignoring his panty-dropping smile, but I was too aroused not to play along. "I was thinking about what could possibly make you hold back from your progress just so I could touch you more."

  His smile faded and in its place was a baffled frown. "Are you serious?"

  I shrugged, "It's a valid inquiry."

  I pulled his pant leg down and moved to his side, lifting his shirt and shifting his pants to check the scars at his hip. He sat up and grasped my hand.

  "Are we done with exercises for today?"

  "Umm, no, but if you need a break then–"

  "Good."

  With that, he yanked me down beside him until I was sprawled out on his chest.

  "What are you doing? Be careful, Merrick."

  "Grace, I'm a grown man. I know what causes me pain and what doesn't, and you, babe, are causing me pain."

  I lifted up onto my elbow and tried to climb off the bed, but he wouldn't let me.

  "Not that kind of pain, although, where your leg is at could be considered blissful pain."

  I looked down at my leg, nestled between both of his and pressing up against his left thigh. "Oh."

  "Yeah, oh."

  I tried to move away again, but he wasn't having it.

  "You stay right here or you'll end up on your back, and I promise you, once I get started, you won't want me to stop, and I won't be stopping."

  Hottest thing I've ever heard.

  I played with that idea a little in my head and Merrick started laughing, drawing my gaze. He was so handsome. His jaw, even covered in stubble, looked strong and defined. His Adam's apple bounced as he laughed and never before had I ever wanted to kiss that part of a man until now.

  "God, Grace. You have no idea how incredibly sexy you are. I can practically hear the thoughts running through your head and it's driving me crazy."

  "It is?"

  "Yes. You do that a lot."

  "Do what?"

  "Drive me crazy."

  "How?"

  He sighed, tucking me against his side as he sat back against the headboard. It was comfortable being pressed up against him with his arm around my shoulders. I didn't want to move away, even if I really should.

  "Well, your smile for one thing."

  "Excuse me?"

  He chuckled, kissing my forehead and inhaling deeply. Every minute that passed made me fall for him a little more. This silly side of Merrick sent warmth stretching through my chest. His smile was real and striking. A smile that made a girl shiver when it was directed at her.

  "I hear it all the time," he shrugged.

  "You hear me smile?"

  "Of course I do." When I didn't say anything, he added, "I guess it's not something people really think about much until they need to. I do because there's no other way for me to read people."

  "So, you know when I'm smiling and when I'm not."

  He nodded. "I'm best at hearing you. It's beautiful because you smile so much, even when you don't want to. But I know the difference between your fake smile and the real one. The real one ... well, let's just say it gets me going."

  I shook my head, a dry laugh leaving my mouth. "You wouldn't feel that way if you could see me. I might smile a lot, but I'm not your usual type."

  His arm constricted when he sat up straighter. "And what would you say is my usual type."

  "I don't know," I pondered with a frown. "Not me. Maybe someone like Keara or Jen. They're so outgoing and pretty. Skinny and flawless."

  "You think I want flawless," he stated, a deep line forming between his brows.

  I sighed. I'd already screwed this up because I couldn't just take a damn compliment these days. His history didn't really lend a hand either. I'd seen the girls he spent his time with back in the day. Why would that change now?

  "I don't know, Merrick."

  "Listen. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure Keara is wonderful and I know Jen is great. To be such good friends of yours, they would have to be. But let me make myself clear. I don't want a flawless woman. I don't want them and I don't want someone that's plastic and fake all the time. Maybe when I was younger, I went for that kind of thing because I didn't know any better. To be frank, my dick guided me everywhere."

  "I'm not saying–"

  "I know," he cut in, kissing my forehead again to soften the interruption. "I just want you to understand that things have changed for me. Not just since you've been here, but before that. I know in my gut that you're beautiful because I feel it every time you're near me. I know you have one of the biggest hearts out of all the women in this town, and I know you've experienced more suffering than many could claim. I see it. I see you, Grace."

  He was getting too close to the fragile cracks I'd been keeping hidden, but no one had ever said anything like that to me. It was hard to keep him out, especially when I was in uncharted territory here.

  "And you didn't deserve what you went through," he added, tenderly.

  I sat up, feeling my chest crack a little more. The vulnerability I fought back every day, came roaring through me. "What do you mean?" I asked, my voice unsteady.

  Merrick kept his arm around me, following me up, not letting me get any farther away from him than I already was. "It means that if anyone can understand what you went through, it might be me. At least, I'll try to understand."

  "I don't know what you're talking about, Merrick. I think maybe–"

  "I wouldn't have walked away, Grace. Not like he did."

  My breath caught in my lungs, burning. Dizziness swam through my head and I shut my eyes to focus on the deep breath I needed so badly.

  He knew.

  "I would have held you for days, as long a
s it took for both of us to feel whole again. I would have done anything to comfort you and let you know it would be okay," he declared.

  The stinging started in my nose until just breathing in and out hurt. My vision went blurry as moisture filled my eyes. "I ... I don't ..."

  "I overheard you and Keara talking the other night. I'm sorry I didn't say anything, I just didn't want you to think I was a creep."

  I took a deep breath, blowing it out slowly in an attempt to control the sobs rising in my chest. Why did it have to hurt so bad no matter how much time passed? I was stronger because of it, but the wound still felt so fresh.

  "I didn't even choose a name for her," I whispered, the dam cracked a little more and my heartache started to seep out of walls that only weakened over time.

  They say time heals all wounds, and maybe it does. But some wounds get re-opened too often. They're poked and prodded until it's time to close them again. The problem is, most of the time, whatever stitched them up just wasn't strong enough.

  Merrick pulled me to his side as he leaned back in the bed. His lips pressed against my hair as I curled into myself. "I couldn't give her a name when all I felt was pain. I wanted it to be special, but the only thing I could think of was how short the time was that I got to hold her."

  I could barely hear my own voice, but I knew Merrick heard my soft whispers. It was so quiet in the room, as if the world around us stopped everything for this moment. The moment I finally faced what I only briefly touched on before.

  "She was supposed to be my saving grace. She was supposed to change everything for me. Even if Jason left anyway, she was going to be the one person I fought for. The one person that made me want to keep going."

  Merrick tightened his hold around me while my body trembled with the need to cry. "But then she was gone," he said against my hair, speaking the words that had already tumbled through my head.

  I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to picture her again. That small tuft of dark brown hair on the top of her soft head. The dimple she had in her chin, even when she was so still. The birthmark on her shoulder, same as mine. The images had faded over the last year, but I could still see her and feel her.

  "She didn't need a name, because she was you," he muttered. "A Grace the world just wasn't ready for."

  I nodded, knowing in my heart that God was holding my baby in his arms and taking care of her tiny spirit.

  "Where is she now?"

  I swallowed, remembering the need to scream when I was asked what I wanted to do with the body. By that time, Mom was already with me and she made all the arrangements. "She's buried in the North Morgan Cemetery. I haven't gone to see her yet, but I need to. No matter how much time passes, it still hurts as much as it did then. But I know now that just because she's gone, doesn't mean she didn't change my life. I'm a better person because of her. I've felt unconditional love."

  I took a few deep breaths and turned to face Merrick whose expression hit me deep. That connection we had to each other wasn't just from a lifetime of acquaintance; it was from months of tragedy circling around in our minds and peeking out every corner.

  We both felt broken and scattered, but we wanted to hold the other together more than we wanted to fix ourselves. And maybe that was wrong, but for now, it was all we had to give each other.

  It was helping.

  Merrick was being tortured by the memory of those men lost in battle and he would feel that for a long time.

  "Just because they're gone, Merrick, doesn't mean they didn't change lives."

  He nodded and pressed his lips together in a tight line. "They died heroes. I won't take that away from them," he stated.

  Silence surrounded us as we let the thoughts of our pasts drift away. It wasn't a long discussion about our feelings or the things we just couldn't get through, but it was one perfect, unbreakable stitch tied in place.

  We stayed on that bed for a couple hours, holding each other, kissing, laughing. He explained what he told my father about his eye and that Dad said he would look into what it could mean. He'd been experiencing sensitivity more and more each day for short periods of time. I didn't know what it meant, but I knew it was something he didn't want to think about. Not yet.

  Our conversation quickly moved to lighter things. Family, old friends, likes and dislikes. Merrick surprised me. He was rough and intimidating, but he could be playful when he wanted to be. What surprised me, was how easy it actually was to talk to him. He listened.

  When he asked me what I planned to do in the future, I had an unfortunate realization. "I don't know what my future holds, but I do know I need to be released from my job."

  Merrick looked surprised, but understanding. "So, is it because I chased you off or because you can't keep your hands out of my pants?"

  I laughed, rolling my eyes because of course it would come down to that.

  "I'm serious," he chuckled. "If it's because you hate the job, then I'll do better. But if it's a conflict of interest, I totally understand. I don't want you risking your job because you can't keep your lips off of me."

  "Oh really? And who says I can't resist?" I teased.

  He puffed out his chest and smirked, "Please. You've been groping me since the beginning."

  I smacked his stomach and he turned to kiss me. What started out as teasing, quickly turned into passion. He kissed me slowly, savoring every movement of our lips. I was a dizzy, panting mess by the time he pulled away, only to drag me up against him from chest to toes.

  I don't remember falling asleep. Only that I was too comfortable to keep my eyes open. A tortured sound woke me, making my eyes pop open to evening light shining through the window. I heard the sound again and my heart started pounding. Merrick's arm tightened around me to the point of pain and I had to use all of my strength to push him away enough to unravel myself. He was covered in sweat, his breathing erratic.

  "Merrick."

  His head turned back and forth, and his hands balled into fists. This is what it looked like. Watching him feel what happened, without a fever or anything else forcing his body to fight it. This was all his mind.

  Not like that night of the fireworks when I found him shaking with fear. This wasn't something that tricked his mind into thinking he was in danger. This was living it all over again.

  "Merrick."

  "Ryan," he mumbled. His entire body shifted toward me, almost knocking me off the bed.

  I leaned over him and tried to hold his head still. "Merrick. You're dreaming. Wake up, Mer. It's just a dream. You're here with me."

  I repeated the mantra several times with no result. If anything, his jerky movements only got stronger.

  "Ryan, cover," he groaned. "Where are you?"

  His arms lifted to cover his crumpled face. The sounds he made, were frightening. I couldn't pull him out of this. Only he could.

  I stayed over him, ignoring the ache from his arms bumping into mine. Then, I sang, hoping whatever darkness he found himself in, he would have the strength to climb out and come back to me.

  "Did you expect it all to stop at the wave of your hand?

  Like the sun's just gonna drop if it's night you demand.

  Well, in the dark we're just air so the house might dissolve.

  But once we are gone, who's gonna care if we were ever here at all?

  Well, summer's gonna come, it's gonna cloud our eyes again.

  No need to focus when there's nothing that's worth seeing."

  As I sang, Merrick slowly started to still. Whether that was because of me, or because the nightmare was ending, I didn't know. I wasn't going to stop until he was calmed down, though, so I sat back against the headboard and tried to pull him into my side. His arm came away from his face and rested across my hips, but his eyes were still closed.

  "So we trade liquor for blood in an attempt to tip the scales.

  I think you lost what you loved in that mess of details.

  They seemed so important at the time

&n
bsp; But now you can't even recall any names, faces, or lines.

  It's more the feeling of it all."

  "Grace?"

  "I'm here, Mer."

  He turned his face into my stomach and his arm tightened around me, pressing into my back with his fist, just to hold on.

  "Shh, I've got you. You're here with me. Nowhere else but here."

  It was in that moment his shoulders started to quake. I felt every bit of loss I'd experienced, shift around to make room for his. Because if anyone was going to take a piece of that burden, it was going to be me.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Merrick

  I tried to steady my breathing, counting through each breath like I practiced so many times before. It didn't help. I couldn't hold it back anymore. The flood of fear, pain, and grief was just too powerful to deflect.

  Grace let me bury my face against her stomach. A safer place than where I'd been. Her fingers combed through my hair while she hummed, attempting to calm me. I clung to her like a child to his mother. Like a lost man clings to the memory of home.

  Grace was my home.

  Her hands moved down my neck to my shoulders, lightly drifting her fingers back and forth as I counted breaths.

  I didn't even realize I'd fallen asleep when the dream hit, so fast. One minute, I was safe, wrapped around Grace, and the next ... I squeezed my eyes shut tightly, but the things I saw were still there. If only I could be blind in sleep, too. My mind just wouldn't let me forget.

  Grace didn't speak. Her hums softened and her hands stilled, but she didn't push for anything.

  Breathe in. Breathe out.

  "Merrick?"

  I wanted to stay right there, with a clear mind; only Grace to worry about and worship. The images didn't go away, though. The only way to free my mind from all the shit, was to get it out in the open. Like she did.

  "It was just another standard day, as far as standard went," I started, swallowing the lump in my throat and resting my cheek against Grace's stomach. "We rolled out like any other morning after our PCCs and PCIs."

  She leaned forward and kissed the top of my head, unknowingly giving me the comfort I needed, to tell her what happened.