Loving Desire

by Renee Young

  “Will you just take it off already geez.” Nova groaned from beside us. I let out a chuckle and turned to see her crouched with her camera in her hands waiting for the next photo opportunity.

  “You act like you’ve never seen my boobs before Nov. A little eager are we?” I teased and I felt him chuckle beneath me. Truthfully, while the interruption ruined the vibe I welcomed it to help cool me down just a bit.

  It wasn’t lost on me that I had literally never seen this man before in my life and here I am practically naked on top of him with his hardness pressed against my most intimate part. Now, I’m not a virgin by any means, but I generally at least get a guys’ last name before I get to know him, or let him get to know me this way.

  It’s not my fault he practically oozes sexuality. His smell, his voice, his body, all of it has me clenching my thighs and breathing erratically. I could swear this guy walked straight off the cover of a cheesy romance novel. One that women read in the privacy of their own rooms, probably with their vibrater ready and waiting beside them.

  I must have been lost in my thoughts of him because the next thing I knew my bra was no longer there and my arm went up to instinctively went to cover myself.

  “Use your hands instead.” Nova demanded and I turned to her for a second. I forgot about her again. I giggled and did what she asked by placing my bare palms against my bare breasts. “Beautiful. Now I want you to lean against Sawyer’s chest. Put your hands on the back of the couch and I want you, Sawyer, to put your face in her neck again.” I took a breath before doing what she asked.

  I leaned in close to him before removing my hands and pressing my chest against his. His hands went to my thighs just below my ass and I felt his fingers dig in just slightly. “Good now tilt your head Liv, pull your hair all to the side.” I listened before putting my hand back to its place beside Sawyer on the back on the couch. He did his part by attaching his lips to my throat once again. “Good Liv tilt your head down just a little and bite your lip for me.” I followed her direction and she praised me again. “Perfect now keep your head like that but give me a smirk and look at me.” I looked up at her through my heavy lashes for a moment before I unintentionally rolled my eyes back as he found my favorite spot yet again.

  “Good okay now I want you guys to stand. I want Sawyer to stand behind you Livvy. You, keep your hands at your side, then Sawyer I want you to take your left arm and reach around her, cover your chest and wrap your hand around her arm. With your right hand I want you to, when I say so, trail it down her stomach and then when you reach the band on her panties just barely go beneath with your pinky and ring finger. Does that make sense?” She explained and I nodded, ready to feel him wrapped around me.

  I stood from his lap, ignoring the fact that my chest was now bare and went to where Nova wanted the shot. He followed me and we got into the position she explained. She cued him and he moved his hand slowly down me. I watched the movement and just before he reached the band she told him to bite my shoulder. Unintentionally my head fell back and a moan busted through my lips while my hip thrust back into him.

  “Perfect!” Her word was almost drowned out by his groan in my ear. “I think that was great guys! I have everything I needed and much much more.” She chuckled teasingly at us. I almost wanted to whimper at her for ending the shoot. I wasn’t ready to be done with this walking, talking sex on legs. “Here.” She handed me the robe I wore at the beginning of the shoot.

  “Thanks.” I said shyly as I stepped away from the man who stood still behind me. His arms dropped from my body as if the spell were broken. I chuckled nervously before wrapping the robe around myself and making my way to the bathroom to redress.

  I let out a sigh and fanned myself with my hand while I leaned against the bathroom door.

  What the hell was that? How could I let myself get that into it. That into him. I shuddered as I could still feel his hard fingers digging into my thighs and his soft lips against the skin of my neck.

  I shook off the thoughts and I quickly pulled on a pair of black skinny jeans with holes and a cream colored slouchy sweater. I left my hair and makeup how it was before shoving all of my stuff into the bag I brought it in. I left the bag right outside of the bathroom door and went back into the studio to gather the articles I left out there.

  Sawyer was dressed again in his jeans and white button up shirt. I did my best to not feel awkward, but who was I kidding. I am an awkward individual. Always have been and I’m sure I always will be.

  I didn’t know if I should say anything to him, or ignore him all together. Where do we go from here? Do we even go from here? I cleared my throat and his head shot up. His blue eyes met mine and an easy smile fell across his face. I could have stopped breathing at the sight, and I probably did for a moment or two.

  “Hi.” He greeted with a little wave.

  “Hey,” I returned his gesture with a little wave of my own. “Uh where’s Nova?” I asked him, noticing she wasn’t in the room.

  “She went outside to call Jamie.” He told me, gesturing to the door and I nodded.

  “So, how do you know Nova by the way?” I wondered. She’d never told me.

  “Jamie is my cousin.” He said and I nodded in understanding. “Yeah we’ve always been close, but I just moved back home a few months ago.” He finished.

  “Where were you?” I asked, probably digging too much into his personal life. I couldn’t help it. I’d just rubbed just about every part of my body against him, sue me if I ask a few questions.

  “Oh I was living out in New York. I was working for my uncle- different side of the family- and I just started my own practice here.”

  I nodded again. “What kind of practice?” I asked him, all of my nervousness was gone. I’m a curious person, and he piqued my interest.

  “Law.” he shrugged and I nodded feeling a little impressed. “What do you do?”

  “Oh you know. I work in the very riveting world of retail.” I did the jazz fingers thing as a sarcastic way of showing how much I ‘love’ my job. “It fucking sucks.” I told him honestly with a chuckle.

  “I worked at a fast food place when I was in school.” He offered with a chuckle of his own.

  “Ah so you’re a regular in the world of ‘Karens’.” I teased.

  “Oh absolutely.” He let out another deep laugh and I was yet again mesmerized by this man. “So I was wondering, if I could possibly get your number?” He asked, suddenly, scratching the back of his neck and avoiding eye contact.

  “I mean since you’ve seen me almost completely naked, I guess having my number would be the logical next step.” I teased and held my hand out for his phone. He laughed again, flashing me that beautiful smile meant to melt everything inside me. And man did it.

  I took his unlocked phone and typed in my phone number. As I was about to save it a call came through. A photo of a very beautiful girl in a bikini flashed on the screen and I caught the contact name. ‘Babe #4’. I let out a scoff and rolled my eyes before showing him the screen.

  “So what number would that make me?” I asked him, semi teasing.

  “Oli-” He started but I held up a hand to cut him off.

  “Look, I had a lot of fun with this photoshoot and all, but I don’t think this-” I pointed at his phone- “is something I want.” I shrugged. “It was really nice to meet you Sawyer, maybe I’ll see you around sometime.” I said before turning to grab my stuff. He tried stopping me again, but I didn’t listen. Eventually I heard a sigh from behind me before footsteps and the studio door opening then closing.

  It’s not that I judged him for living that kind of lifestyle. It’s not my place to judge, but that doesn’t mean I want to be a part of it. I was ready to dive right in. Whether he wanted a fuck buddy or he wanted to go on a date I was open for either. I could tell he was attracted to me as I was to him, but I don’t want to just be another girl on his list of possibilities every night.

  Some girls don’t mind that,
more power to them, but I know how I am. I’m a jealous bitch and I don’t like to share. So if I’m going to have a fuck buddy or a boyfriend or whatever, I want to be the only one he thinks about that way. It’s how I am and I don’t expect someone to change to fit what I want, just like it’s not fair for someone to expect me to change for them.

  “So did you get his number?” Nova asked the second she came back into the studio.

  “Well, see I went to give him my number when he got a phone call. From ‘Babe #4’.” I told her with a chuckle.

  “Idiot.” She sneered and I laughed harder. “Okay but seriously you guys have the best chemistry I’ve ever seen. I barely had to direct you. It was hot.”

  “Well thank you. If you need me to model for you again you know where I live.” I did a bow for dramatic effect.

  “Thank you though, seriously. It was a great shoot.” I smiled and pulled her in for a hug.

  “Ugh! I hate that he’s so fucking hot. I seriously wanted to jump his bones! Why couldn’t he just have her name as her contact.” I groaned. I think that’s what sealed it for me. He couldn’t even bother to put in her name. I don’t want to just be nameless to someone I sleep with. Especially someone like him who could without a doubt ruin all men for me.

  Chapter 5

  Normal life had lost all of its remaining appeal. Not that there had been much left. Work felt even more tedious, nights felt even more lonely, and I was over the day to day grind. I was tired of not feeling anything. No excitement, no desire, no eagerness.

  I don’t know what I expected to happen after the shoot but for some dumbass reason, going back to regular job and regular life wasn’t it. I felt stuck and I didn’t know whether I needed a solvent, a crowbar, or a shovel to get myself out.

  Nothing changed from my single day of confidence. I didn’t walk out of there with a new guy on my arm, or a plan on how to make things happen for myself. I didn’t walk out of there with anything except some really good photos and some drenched panties.

  I couldn’t make myself regret turning Sawyer down though. I thought maybe for a moment I could be just one of the girls he could turn to, but that’s just not who I am no matter how hard I try. I need undivided attention from a guy. I don’t need commitment, I just need exclusivity. Is that unreasonable?

  I had done the friends with benefits things a few times in my life, and it worked for me. It worked as long as the rules were clear. I was good at separating my emotional feelings from my sexual ones, I was never the issue. It’s a common misconception that women are always the ones to ‘catch feels’ and ruin the agreement.

  Ugh! I needed to do something radical. Force myself out of this stupid rut I’m in. I took a deep breath and steadied myself. I was gonna do it. I was gonna quit my job. I needed to. It wasn’t doing anything to help this depressing mindset I’ve constantly been in lately. I needed a change.

  I kept the sentiment in my mind as I trudged to the back room of the store where I worked. I was ready. I could do it! I could say it! It was easy. It was only two words. ‘I quit.’ Easy! I was pumping myself up.

  I reached the back door and I knocked.

  “Come in!” Cindy, my manager, called through the closed door.

  “Hey Cindy can I talk with you a moment?” I asked.

  “Of course. What’s up?” She looked up from her schedule she was making “Oh wait, can you cover Kayla’s shift tomorrow? Her brother just came home from overseas and it was a surprise. She wants to spend the day with him.

  “Yeah I can do that.” I automatically replied.

  “Perfect. So how can I help you?” She looked at me again.

  “Okay,” I started as the words ‘I quit’ played over and over in my head. “I--” I stuttered. “I was just wondering if the shipment was still gonna come tomorrow with the snow and all.” I chickened out.

  I knew I would. This was the fifth time I’d done this since the photo shoot two weeks ago. I’d get so close, then I just couldn’t go through with it as the idea of not being able to afford food or something loomed over my head. She told me about the email she received earlier telling her the delivery would be delayed and I nodded before getting back to the front of the store.

  Back to my regularly scheduled thoughts of pointlessness and monotony. Back to the nagging feeling of dread for the rest of my life. What if it never changed? What if I never gained the courage to leave? What if I never gained the courage to chase after my dream? How do you force yourself to look past the possibility of rejection and put yourself out there? I see people do it all the time, so why couldn't I?

  Nova did it and now she has her own business. She worked retail too, until one day she marched and told her boss she couldn’t do it anymore and she left. I wished I had her strength. Her belief in herself.

  I don’t have that. I was strapped with an unhealthy level of sarcasm, self depreciation and trauma. I have confidence in exactly one area of my life.

  My sexuality. I knew what I wanted and I knew what I wouldn’t put up with to get it. Why didn’t that transfer to my professional life? Why could I so easily settle for a job that gave me no fulfillment whatsoever if I couldn’t settle for anything less in my sexual endeavors?

  I let out a sigh as I put a shampoo bottle back in its place on the shelf. I felt the urge to run up and down the aisles yelling and making strange noises just to break up the constant tedium. As I had talked myself into doing so the bell over the door rang signalling that a customer came into the otherwise empty store. I kept back the groan and did my job in assisting them quickly. They were just in for a color as they ran out. Half her hair was covered in a red dye and the other was untouched and dry. I made no comment, though I wanted to point out that I told her she’d need more than one box earlier. People don’t like it when you say ‘I told you so’.

  “Hey Olivia, I’m heading out for the night you good?” Cindy asked as she came out of the back room with all of her gear gathered. Tonight I was stuck closing, alone.

  “Yeah, I’m good Cindy. Drive safe.” I told her and she thanked me before leaving the store.

  When the weather was cold and snowy like this I rarely had anyone in here after six in the evening so I knew I’d only have to deal with about four more customers, if we were busy, for the next three hours.

  I did what I would usually do when I was alone in the empty store. I went to the backroom and I turned the music up. The station was stupid as a whole but there were a few good songs that would come on the designated playlist.

  I made the decision to try and cheer myself up by having a lonely little dance party. I stayed away from the registers as that was where the only camera was located. Luckily it didn’t record sound. I sang along with the Tyler Hilton song as I danced up and down the aisles. The whole thing was silly, but it brought back memories of mama and daddy. We used to have dance parties all the time.

  I pulled out the rusty air guitar and played along with the jazzy blues riff. I was getting super into it when I managed to back right into a shelf and knock everything over. I groaned as I bent down to pick it all up and put it back in place.

  The three hours went by even slower than usual as no one came in after Cindy left. Not a single person for three hours. The entire store was spotless. Not a speck of dirt or dust in place. I mopped the entire store, wiped down every product, and made sure everything was as stocked as it could be.

  Finally the clock struck nine and I was free to leave. I counted out my drawer and gathered all of my stuff. With the alarm set I ran to the front door, unlocking it and throwing it open. Once I had it locked again I walked to my car through the snow.

  I settled in my seat and shivered because of the cold. With shaky hands I tried to jam my key into the ignition, but when I turned it nothing happened. I groaned and got out to look under the hood as if I would have any clue as to what was going on. I scoffed at myself for trying to be self sufficient.

  Turns out I did know what was wrong. Someon
e stole my fucking battery.

  “Why?” I groaned out. With another sigh I got back into the car to call Nova. I was overwhelmed. With everything running through my mind constantly and then for this to happen, it was just too much.

  I didn’t want to cry. I never wanted to cry. I couldn’t help it that my physical response to most emotions happened to be tears. I wished I could stop it, but tears seemed to be a usual occurrence for me.

  “Hey!” Nova answered in her cheery tone as usual.

  “Can you come get me from work?” I asked instantly.

  “Of course, what’s wrong?” She asked and I could hear her shuffling in the background.

  “I got in my car to start it and nothing happened so, like the genius I am, I got out to see what was going on. You know I don’t know shit about cars right?” I chuckled at my idiocy, but sniffled as the first tear fell. “I could definitely tell what happened though.”

  “What happened honey?” She asked in her soft soothing tone.

  “Someone stole my damn battery!” I practically screamed at her.

  “What the fuck? Seriously?” She seemed as surprised as I was.

  “Yep, and it’s snowing and it’s cold and nothing around here is open. It’s dark and I was the lone closer tonight so naturally I’m clutching my pepper spray tight until you get here.” I informed her.

  “I’m gonna have Jamie bring me. He’s better in the snow. We will be there as soon as we can okay. Try and stay warm.” I thanked her and we hung up so they could head over.

  I didn’t dwell over the time it took them to come get me. It didn’t feel that long as I had my phone to keep me occupied. I found a good book to read and I was actually a little upset when they showed up during a good part.

  “Thank you guys so much. I’m sorry if I ruined your evening.” I said getting into the back seat.

  “You didn’t. In fact I was gonna call you and see if you could come over tonight. I wanted to talk to you.” Nova informed me. “So can you? Come over I mean.”