Playing Pretend

by Bester, Tamsyn

  “Hi Mom.”

  “Kadence.”

  Her worried tone had me feeling guilty, and combined with Caleb’s rejection it was no surprise that I was unable to discern every emotion that was colliding inside my head.

  “How are you?” I asked lamely, knowing that my deflection would be pointless.

  Her sigh travelled through the phone, and I could picture her pinching the bridge of her nose in that way she had. The way that said she was disappointed in me, and in this particular case I couldn’t blame her. As much as I hated disappointing her though, I needed her then too, and that always won out.

  “Sweetheart.”

  Crap.

  She was supposed to be mad, but instead she sounded worried. That only added to my guilt.

  “I messed up.” My lip quivered, and my eyes burned.

  “Well,” she replied, “I have nothing but time, so start at the beginning.”

  For a moment I contemplated leaving last night out, but if I had any hope of getting my Mother’s honest opinion, I had to be completely honest with her in return. She was my best friend, and I knew she wouldn’t judge me. The only part that hedged me was having to tell my Mother that I spent three days living in my car, and then ended up living with Caleb. I didn’t want it to upset her, and however I chose to word it, it was going to.

  My only option was to tell her everything, so that’s exactly what I did.

  My Mother sniffled when I was finally done. “Oh Kadence.”

  There was no condescension, no judgment.

  “I’m sorry, Mom.” I wiped my face, and sat up. “I should have told you everything sooner, but I didn’t want to worry you.”

  The sun outside was high in the sky, so I surmised it was already past lunchtime. I put my phone on speaker, placed it on the dresser, and rummaged through the closet for some clean clothes while my Mother prattled on.

  “You’re my child,” she cried. “I’m supposed to take care of you. You should have told me you needed help, Kadence.”

  She hiccupped, and sniffled some more. “I would have helped you with more money if you needed it. I have savings.”

  “I didn’t want you to worry about me,” I told her. I pulled a tank top over my head, and slid a pair of shorts on. “Those savings are all you have, Mom. I couldn’t ask you for more.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous. Asking me for help should have been your first choice, not moving in with Caleb Callahan of all people.”

  I stepped outside onto the terrace, and sat down on a lounger. The commotion coming from the streets below matched the noise inside of me.

  “I didn’t ask him for help. He found me living in my car, and took me in.”

  “You should have come to me,” my Mother argued. “If you had, you wouldn’t have gotten yourself into such a mess.”

  Of course she was right.

  But I wasn’t going to tell her that.

  “Not helping,” I said. “You’re supposed to be on my side.”

  “Oh honey, I am. I’m always on your side. I only want what’s best for you, and from what you’ve told me, your decisions in the past two months have been based on feelings you had for a man when you were just a child.”

  Oh.

  Snap.

  “But how did you…”

  “A mother always knows, sweetheart. I saw the way you looked at that man, the way you gravitated towards him whenever he happened to be at the same event. I was hoping it would pass, and then everything with your father and his mother…”

  “I know.” Exhale.

  My Mother and I stayed quiet for a few minutes, and then I gathered enough courage to do what I should have done two months earlier.

  “I need your help, Mom. Tell me what to do.”

  “I’m afraid I can’t do that, sweetheart. You have to get yourself out of this.”

  I shut my eyes, and lifted my face up to the sky long enough to feel the warm, sunny rays warm my eyelids.

  “I don’t know how.”

  “You do,” said my Mother. “But you have to decide if you’re willing to do what it is necessary versus what you think you want.”

  I chewed on that for a moment, and came to the undeniable realization that my Mother knew me a little better than she’d ever let on. She’d also given me something to think about.

  “I wish it was that easy,” I replied honestly.

  “Caring about someone never is, but sometimes you have to care about yourself more.”

  Wasn’t that the truth.

  “Thanks, Mom.”

  “I wish you’d spoken to me sooner. Are you going to be okay?”

  I wasn’t entirely sure, but with Caleb away I had time to get myself there and come up with some kind of plan, however temporary.

  “I will be,” I promised. “You don’t have to worry.”

  My Mother snorted. “I always worry about you, Kadence. I love you. It’s my job to worry.”

  “I love you too.”

  We spoke for a few minutes longer, and when I said goodbye, I felt a little more like myself, and less like a ten-dollar hooker who screwed her boss. Which reminded me of the money Caleb had left in my bedside drawer. Curiosity, that disgusting little bastard, made me wonder how much he thought our night together was worth. I wanted to pull out all those bills and count it, but eventually decided against it. Call it self-preservation, but I had no desire to really know what Caleb thought I was worth.

  I SPENT THE REMAINDER of my day roaming the streets of the city, and treated myself to lunch in Bryant Park. I took a slow walk up 5th Avenue, through Rockefeller Center, past Radio City Music Hall and then circled back before catching a cab back to Caleb’s penthouse. It was well after 8p.m. and after tiring myself out, I was ready for a hot bath, a hot new romance novel and bed. My plans, however, were derailed the moment I stepped out of the elevator where I was greeted by the sight of a frantic-looking Aaliyah. Dressed in distressed jeans, stiletto heels and a black cap-sleeved blouse, she looked as though she’d come from a date.

  Her heels clicked as she paced the floor, talking into her phone, and the moment she caught sight of me, her expression broke into one of pure relief.

  “It’s okay,” she said into the phone. “She just walked in.”

  I frowned, wondering who she was talking to.

  “Okay,” she sighed, rolling her brown eyes. “Calm down, Caleb.”

  Never mind.

  I no longer cared about who she was talking to.

  He could go deep throat a cactus.

  Bastard.

  With a fractious shake of my head, I walked past her, and went in the direction of the guest bedroom.

  “Uhhh…” she muttered from behind me. “Yes, she looks fine. Not a bruise or a scratch that I can see.”

  Caleb’s concern only fueled my ire. He had no right to show concern after how he’d treated me earlier that morning.

  I flicked the lights on, slipped my shoes off, and went into the bathroom. I’d just unbuttoned my shorts, when Aaliyah walked in.

  “Yes, Caleb. I’m looking at her right now.”

  Pause.

  “No, I’m not going to tell you what she’s doing.”

  I gave the traitor a glare, and sat down on the toilet. I needed to pee, and if she wanted to watch then I wasn’t going to stop her.

  “Because she’s peeing, that’s why.”

  Oh great, so much for not telling him what I was doing, genius.

  “Get out,” I mouthed, and when Aaliyah ignored my request, I reached for a roll of toilet paper and threw it at her head. With the skill level only becoming of a ninja, she dodged the roll, and ducked out of the bathroom. I heard her ask, “What did you do to make her so angry?” and then tuned the rest out until I was done with my business. When I returned to the bedroom, Aaliyah had made herself comfortable on the bed, and thankfully her phone call with Caleb had ended.

  “What are you doing here?” I didn’t mean to be rude, but I wanted Aaliyah t
o know how disgruntled I was.

  She didn’t even flinch. “Caleb called me, and said he couldn’t reach you all day. Poor man was losing his shit, and sent me to make sure you weren’t abducted by a psycho and skinned alive.”

  If she was trying to be funny, it wasn’t working. Between the bed-breaking sex the night before, and Caleb’s dickish disposition, my funny bone had snapped itself in half and vacated my body.

  “Well as you can see, I’m fine.” I folded my arms across my chest, cocked my hip and gave Aaliyah my best “you can leave now” stare. She wasn’t deterred in the slightest. Either that or she had to brush up on her social cues because clearly she couldn’t take a damn hint.

  With a heavy exhalation, Aaliyah stood, and mirrored my stance. “I’m not leaving until you tell me what that rat bastard did.”

  “He didn’t tell you?”

  Aaliyah shook her head.

  Of course he didn’t, the coward.

  “The most I got out of him was that he was a prick, and he wanted to make sure you were okay.”

  I snorted, more in disbelief than surprise. “Just a prick, huh. That’s quite ironic under the circumstances.”

  Aaliyah scrutinized me, but only for a few seconds, and then realized what I was referring to.

  “Oh dear God,” she exclaimed. “You slept with him.”

  I stayed quiet. A denial would have been fruitless, not to mention that Aaliyah was likely to draw her own conclusions regardless of what I told her.

  “I thought you were smarter than that.”

  I bristled, and arched a brow. “This coming from a woman who’s had nothing but friends-with-benefits type arrangements and one night stands?”

  Aaliyah opened her mouth, and then exhaled. “Touché,” she paused. “But I still expect the full lowdown.”

  “I’m not sure I should tell you.” However candid my response, it was the only way to be when it came to Aaliyah. “You have, after all, been consorting with the enemy.”

  “You can’t hold that against me when he called me,” she argued.

  Fair point.

  I dropped my arms with an exasperated sigh. “Fine. If I’m to give you all the dirty details, we need wine, and a lot of it.”

  Aaliyah looked a little anxious. “All the dirty details?”

  “Ha!” I burst out, turning on my heel. “You asked for it.”

  I heard her mutter, “What have I gotten myself into?” from behind me and couldn’t help but wonder the same thing.

  “BEAT THE FUCKER at his own game,” said Aaliyah, sipping her wine. I giggled into my glass. We’d been sitting outside on the terrace for the last hour. Amy Winehouse crooned in the background, singing about a woman named ‘Valerie’ while I filled Aaliyah in on what had happened with Caleb.

  “Screw him and then run away like a dog with his tail between his legs?”

  “No,” she huffed, like I was missing the point. “Blow hot and cold, and see how his dick likes it when you leave him unsatisfied.”

  “But he didn’t leave me unsatisfied,” I laughed, watching with deliberate amusement as Aaliyah’s mouth twisted.

  “Okay, I know I said you can tell me what happened, but Caleb is still my boss, and I’d rather not be thinking about his sex life or how good he is with his wanger.”

  I spat out my last sip of wine, and almost choked. “Wanger? What the hell is that?”

  Aaliyah flicked her hand in the air. “Penis. Dick. Cock. Whatever you call it.”

  “Wanger is the worst of them!”

  “Actually, no. ‘Penis’ is the worst of them. There’s nothing attractive about that word.”

  “There’s nothing attractive about a penis,” I snickered from behind my hand. Aaliyah gave me a side-glance. “It might not look attractive, but if he’s doing what he’s supposed to be doing, then honey, you shouldn’t be looking at it at all.”

  My mouth formed a smirk. “Sounds like you’re speaking from experience. Are you talking about Devon’s wanger, or Landon’s?”

  With a smug expression, Aaliyah drained the remainder of her wine and I decided then that as far as friends went, she wasn’t a bad one to have. I liked the person she’d become after she’d officially started dating Landon, even if I couldn’t tell her as much. I’d come to realize that Aaliyah struggled with affection of any nature. Either way, I was thrilled for her.

  “Did you have a date tonight?” I asked after a while had passed. It was just past nine o’clock, and the air was warm, and a little muggy. Somewhere between my three glasses of wine, and my conversation with Aaliyah, I was able to put things into perspective.

  “I rescheduled,” she replied, bending down to grab her phone. “Chicks before dicks and all that.”

  I shook my head, a smile playing at my lips. “I didn’t call you, Liy. Caleb did.”

  Aaliyah grinned, and righted herself, her phone in her hand. “That’s beside the point.” Her grin fell. “Oh fuck…”

  Just then my phone went off, and I lifted it from the floor beside me to see a Google Alert.

  “No, Kadence, don’t look…” Aaliyah’s words trailed off, and my stomach plummeted to what felt like the lobby of the Puck building. The Google Alert came with the caption “Trouble in Paradise for New York’s hottest new couple?”, followed by a picture of Caleb talking to a busty brunette dressed in nothing but dark shades, and a white bikini. It was dated to that afternoon, and from the location of the photograph I could tell it was taken in the Hamptons. Caleb was smiling, the woman beside him laughing, and the moment a little too intimate to be photographed intentionally.

  “Kadence, I don’t think it’s what you think it is.”

  “Don’t defend him, Liy. Just don’t.”

  I scrolled down, and the photograph that came next made my heart stutter in the most painful way. It was another picture, this one with the brunette holding a sleeping Braelynn in her arms with Caleb looking at them with genuine affection. I wasn’t sure when I came to the impudent assumption that they belonged to me, but I had, and I couldn’t escape the unwarrantable feeling that the stranger in the photographs had taken something from me.

  As if on cue, my phone rang, but when I saw Caleb’s name flashing on the screen I declined without hesitating. Seconds later, Aaliyah’s phone also rang, and the plea in my eyes to decline his call went ignored.

  “Hello?”

  I blew out an incensed breath, wondering why Caleb felt the need to ruin everything. It’s as if he knew the exact moment I thought I had everything figured out, and decided to prove how ‘unfigured’ out I really had it.

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Aaliyah cast her glance in my direction, her black brows furrowed. “Because you were an asshole, Caleb.”

  I heard a rumble from the other end of the line, and then Aaliyah’s phone was in front of me.

  “He wants to talk to you. He’s being pissy, so I don’t think he’ll take ‘no’ for an answer.”

  Again with the trampling.

  All because Caleb wasn’t getting his way.

  With renewed chagrin, I snatched the phone from Aaliyah’s hand and pressed it to my ear.

  “What?” I snapped, louder than expected.

  “Kadence. Let me explain.”

  I was caught off guard by the ruefulness in Caleb’s voice.

  I rose to my feet, and wrapped my free arm around my waist. “Explain what, Caleb?”

  “The photographs. I know you’ve seen them.”

  The laugh that flew from my mouth was dry, and empty. “Is that all you’re calling to explain? Some meaningless photographs of you and a nameless brunette? How thoughtful of you.”

  “It’s not what it looks like, so just listen-”

  “I don’t care, Caleb. You can be photographed with whoever the fuck you want, but remember that you’re the one who looks like the asshole here, not me.”

  “Look, Kadence, I’m sorry, okay? I have been feeling like crap all day, and then I got
angry because you were wandering around the city without any regard for your own safety…”

  I gasped when Caleb trailed off and realized his mistake.

  “How did you know what I was doing today?”

  Silence.

  “Caleb,” I hedged. “Tell me how you knew.”

  He sighed. “I told you Alfie would be around if you needed anything, but then he called to let me know you’d left, and I told him to follow you.”

  I turned around, and found Alfie standing between the atrium and the living room, his hands folded in front of his parted legs. Where the hell had he come from? I’d completely forgotten about him.

  “Do you know how ridiculous you sound? Having me followed is an invasion of my privacy, and my whereabouts are none of your concern.”

  “Your safety is my concern, and wandering around without Alfie is reckless, Kadence.”

  I couldn’t…

  “How dare you.” My voice cracked, just a little. “You have no right to have me followed.”

  “I know you’re upset about this morning,” started Caleb, but I cut him off.

  “Upset? You mean before or after you fucked me and then left?”

  “Will you just give me chance to explain?” Caleb sounded exasperated.

  “No. You don’t deserve it. We’re done. Enjoy the rest of your weekend.”

  I ended the call, and returned the phone to Aaliyah.

  “That was badass,” she said, lifting an unopened bottle of wine. “We should celebrate your induction into the Bad Ass Hall of Fame.”

  Her words registered, and I knew that all she wanted was to make me feel better, but right then I wanted nothing more than to leave.

  “I have a better idea,” I told her. It was only 9:30 p.m. and the night was still far too young for it to be over. “Let’s go out.”

  Aaliyah’s face lit up. “Impromptu Girls Night Out?”

  I nodded. “Think Annabelle would be game?”

  “Oh hell yes. I’ll call her while you get ready.”

  With a single dip of my head, I walked through the living room and glowered at Alfie. His expression remained stoic.

  “We’re going out, in case you want to call Caleb and let him know.”