Tainted by Crazy

by Abby Mccarthy

  “Please help!” I shouted. I wanted someone to break it up. The man seeing that his friend was on the losing side, swung a punch at Rys cracking him in the back of the head.

  “Iggy! Alex! Sasha!” I shouted.

  Max and Jack rushed through the crowd and began throwing punches. More bikers joined in. I was shoved to the ground as a table was knocked into me.

  A gunshot rang out. On instinct, I covered my head. The music stopped like the plug was pulled and the room was quiet.

  “Alright folks, you’ve had your fun. Now, get the hell outta my bar for the night! We’re closed!” Iggy shouted with a shotgun raised and aimed towards the ceiling. I always wondered why there was a ton of holes and patch work on the ceiling. “Oh yeah, and the cops are on their way. If you don't want to see the inside of a cell, I suggest you get your ass in gear and outta here.”

  People started piling out of the bar. I stood up and noticed Rys, Max and Jack, had all taken hits, but for the most part, okay. My heart was beating so rapidly. Alex rushed over to me, “Shit, Maple. You’re cut.” He grabbed me by the arm and led me to the bar. Sasha was making her way through the crowd and finally to me.

  “Oh my God! What the heck happened? I was on the other side of the room and all of the sudden fists were flying. I got splashed with at least three drinks,” Sasha said winded.

  I saw Rebecca run through the parting crowd towards Jack and Max. She ushered them towards the door, as Rys made his way towards me.

  “Maple,” Rys said concern laced his voice.

  “Don’t ‘Maple’ her. I saw it from over here. You threw the first punch at that guy. I told you, Maple. He’s trouble.” Alex decided it was his turn to put his two cents in.

  “I’m trouble, really?” Rys was breathing hard. I was still shocked. The adrenaline from everything had me all over the place.

  “You threw the first punch in my bar?” Iggy asked overhearing.

  “Fuck,” he cursed under his breath.

  It was then that I noticed the blood on my hand. I must’ve cut it on a bottle.

  “Maple, your hand!” Iggy shouted. “Rys, get your ass out of my bar. I expect better from you.”

  “Iggy,” he said and I could tell he wanted to explain his side of the story. Sirens blared in the background.

  “I suggest you leave before the boys in blue get here.”

  “Lord knows, you’ve seen your share of them,” Alex said in far too much of Rys’ space. I could see Rys getting heated again. The last thing I wanted was to have him end up in jail.

  “Rys, it’s alright. I’ll be fine; it’s just a cut. Go.”

  He didn’t look like he was going to budge. “You think I care about the cops?” he asked. “I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

  “I’m fine. Please,” I pleaded again.

  “Alright, Maple,” he looked resolved as he turned and walked out of the bar. Good thing too, because the cops showed up a few minutes later.

  It was late. I was exhausted. I had just spent two hours in the ER for three lousy stitches in my hand that I could’ve gone without. It was bad enough that I had to recount the night's events to Iggy, then the cops, but by the time I got to the hospital, I swear the nurses were asking what happened only to fuel a small town rumor mill that was running rampant. Alex had stayed with me the entire time. It was nice to have him there as a friend, but I was getting irritated. Even after I explained that the guy grabbed me and wouldn't let me go, Alex would not let up on Rys. “I told you he was dangerous,” he repeated multiple times. Could Rys have waited another minute? Probably, but I couldn't deny that I had a sense of safety from how quickly he came to my defense.

  I was over it. I was over the entire night. My hand hurt, my head hurt, and all I wanted was to go to bed.

  Alex pulled his black BMW into my driveway, putting the car into park. I could tell he wanted to say something, and hoped like heck he wasn't trying to make a play. “Been a long night, Mapes.”

  “It has. I’m exhausted.”

  “Listen, you gotta stay away from that guy. He’s no good for you. You know I was hoping…” I put my hand up to stop him from saying any more. I was about to tell him off when my passenger door was thrust open. Before I knew what was happening, my seatbelt was unbuckled and Rys was lifting me out of the car and pressing me close to him.

  “Worried about you,” he whispered close to my ear. I heard a car door slam, but I was transfixed on Rys. His face had swelled a little and he looked tired, but he also looked relieved.

  “Seriously?” Alex all but whined. I leaned into Rys’ arms. After the night I’d had, I just wanted his comfort. I turned towards Alex, exhaustion marred my face and in a calm voice said, “Seriously, Alex. I’m done with today, and done with your drama. Thank you for taking care of me. You’ve been a good friend.” As I said the word friend, I realized that standing in Rys’ arms, he was anything but a friend. If I was honest with myself, since I’d met him, he’d been so much more.

  Rys led me to the house and I fished out my key. I heard the squeal of tires from Alex as he drove away, but truthfully I was so tired, I didn’t have it in me to even care.

  Once inside, Rys flicked on the light. I got a good look at him and saw a small cut above his eyebrow. I tentatively ran my finger under it. “You okay?” I asked.

  “Me? Shit Maple, look at your hand. Christ. I did that. I should’ve taken him outside and away from you. I fucked up. I’m sorry. Let me see your hand. Is it bad?”

  “It’s just a couple of stitches. I swear, they have more bandages on here than necessary. I would’ve been fine with a few butterfly strips.” He cradled my hand in his, regret marred his face. I wanted answers as to why he flipped out so badly, but I was too exhausted to ask the questions.

  I yawned and kicked off my shoes. I sat on the couch, and Rys sat down next to me. He pulled my feet up and began rubbing them, and then my calves. A moan may have slipped past my lips. I was barely aware. It felt that good, and I was that tired. I could hardly care what noises were coming from me. I mumbled, “That feels so good,” and then my heavy eyelids drooped closed.

  I woke up, sweaty and warmer than usual. I blinked. I was in my bed, but I was oh so hot. I splayed my legs and kicked the blankets.

  “Grr,” a deep grunt from behind me had me turning. Rys was behind me, half asleep and shirtless--in my bed.

  Oh, my goodness.

  I quickly did a perusal under the blankets. I had on the T-shirt I wore to work last night, and black cotton cheeky underwear. Okay, so I was in my underwear, but to be fair I most likely took my shorts off myself. I had a habit of doing that in my sleep.

  I rolled in Rys’ direction and took him in. He was partially covered by a blanket. His chest, that I’d had the pleasure of ogling at the lake, was peeking out along with a hint of his black boxer briefs and muscled clad thigh wrapped around the white cotton sheet.

  “Keenan,” I whispered softly.

  He responded by lashing out his arm, hooking me, and then drawing me in close. His thigh hooked around mine and his arm went around my waist. I was locked in place.

  I wasn't sure how, or when we turned the corner in our relationship, but we did. I didn't feel like I needed to push him away any longer. I felt like any attempts were futile. Somehow, whether it was Rys’ constant presence or even his reckless bar brawl, he had gotten in deep. And by deep, I couldn't remember a man ever being able to make my heart thump the way mine was right then.

  Rys’ face pressed into my neck and he sighed, “Morning, honey.”

  His voice was soft and rumbly. I liked that sound. In fact, it might have just become my favorite sound. I curled my arm around his waist and whispered, “Morning.”

  He rubbed up and down my arm. “You had a dream last night. You were talking in your sleep.”

  “Oh, God.” I was embarrassed. “What did I say?” I asked even though a part of me didn't want to know.

  “You said something's
about your mom, but really it seemed more like a plea to her. Talk to me.” I never freely opened up to a man about my Momma, but I really felt like I needed to explain it to him.

  “There was this time, when Momma was out of the hospital and she was going to meetings. She had herself a sponsor in AA and everything. She went to her therapy appointments regularly, and Grams started to let her come by and spend time with me. Grams never let her leave with me, but we had a good few months. Momma had plans for us. She would lay with me, and watch movies, and tell me how she was so glad she was doing better, and that this time it was for good. She told me she regretted everything bad she had ever let happen to me. She was getting along better with Grams too. For once, I thought that maybe it was time for things to really turn around. Maybe, she finally had her mental health and addictions under control.”

  “I hoped and I hated that emotion.”

  Rys continued stroking my arm, offering me comfort.

  “Looking back, maybe that hope was always my downfall. I always held on to it, and was always let down.

  “I wanted my Momma. Grams, she took care of me, and loved me, but those glimpses of goodness with my Momma were held on this pedestal. I bought into everything. She’d said it was her sickness. She’d said it was the drugs. It was never her fault. Oh, no. It was always something else. And yes, it was true, she was sick, but did that take away her culpability?”

  I took a deep breath, getting into the depth of my nightmare. “It became clear to me, that I could no longer have hope. Momma had just left Grams. We had a great day. Grams, Momma and I baked all day. It was the kind of day I’d dreamt about when she was in the hospital. It was the kind of day that made me forget about any of the bad things we’d been through. All I thought about that afternoon was how lucky I was to have Momma there with Grams and me. Grams and Momma joked and even sang Jolene by Dolly Parton when it came on the radio. I remember looking at them, and I could see a future with the three of us.” I closed my eyes, reliving the memory.

  “Go on,” Rys prodded keeping me in the moment.

  “Okay,” I sighed and continued, “Momma left that night, giving us huge hugs and making plans with us for the following evening. Later that night, Grams went to Bingo and I just so happened to answer the house phone. I almost missed it. I was working outside pruning the apple tree.

  “It was the hospital. Momma left us and smoked so much crack, she was out of her mind. And I mean, by the time, Grams and I got to the hospital, she didn't know who we were. She talked about the Russians trying to get her in the heating ducts. There were spies everywhere. Everyone was out to get her and she didn't know her name. Rys, she didn't know my name.

  “The doctors moved her to the psych unit, but it was a different unit, a unit with demented patients. She was no longer herself; a stranger residing in Momma’s body. I remember wanting to puke as I walked away from her in there. I couldn't see my Momma living that way forever. It broke my heart. I thought she had already broken it so many times, she couldn't possibly break it worse, but this time, when I thought things were so good, she took it all away. And for what? A flippin’ crack rock.”

  I looked at Rys to see if I could tell what he was thinking. This was a load that I had been carrying alone for so long that I forgot how it felt to let someone else share the burden. He stroked my arm, calming me.

  “Momma defied doctors, they thought she would never get better, and then six months later, the fog lifted. Couldn’t believe it, she got better. They thought it was a miracle and they couldn't believe that she came back. They released her, and do you know what the first thing she did was? She got high again. Only that time, she didn't come back from it. They found her body floating in the river. It wasn’t clear if she jumped or if she fell. I liked to believe she fell, but I guess it doesn’t really matter.

  “Rys, I wanted to hope. I wanted that so badly. I wanted things. I wanted happiness, but I was taught that hope is a dangerous emotion. You hope, and you leave yourself open to be hurt. You leave yourself open for the people you love the most to destroy you. So as much as I want you, I’ve stayed away, because I can't. Knowing just the smallest amount about you, about how you make me feel, makes me hope. And if I let myself hope for you, that hope will break me.

  I took a deep breath and gave him the rest. I wanted him and I wanted him to know how messed up I was.

  “Keenan, I can't afford to be broken any more than I already am.”

  I waited for him to argue with me, to tell me I was being overdramatic. I waited to see if he pitied me. I didn’t want his pity. I wanted him to know me, so I had just laid all of my messed-up-ness out there. I waited to see if he’d reject me now that he knew. The scars of my past defined me, and I needed him to see them and to decide if the ugly marks that were left were what he wanted.

  “We’re all damaged, Maple. We all have pasts. Some of them aren’t as ugly as others. Yours are on your mom, they’re not on you. Honey, we gotta get you to a place where you can sleep at night. It’s shit your mom sucked. Sometimes life’s shit. We need to get you wading through this shit better. I need you to be able to sleep at night.”

  He was taking me on and it astonished me that anyone knowing my hurt would want that. I was a mess and he said we. We have to get you to a place. Not me, but we.

  His fingers lightly brushed over the bandage on my hand. “How is it? Does it hurt?”

  I wiggled my fingers glad that he was changing the subject. I hadn’t had coffee yet, and laid myself bare, “No, it’s not bad.”

  He looked at me skeptically.

  “Honestly, I’m fine.” I held onto him a little tighter needing to give him reassurance.

  “Alex was right last night, you know?”

  I perched up on an elbow, “What do you mean? About what?” My heart was hammering. I didn’t like the thought that Alex could be right about any of the bad he spewed about Rys.

  “I could’ve taken the guy out of the bar. Going off and hitting him like that in the bar, where you got hurt, was wrong. I’m sorry, Maple.”

  “It’s okay.”

  “No, it’s not. Told you we all got problems, and that was some of mine. I was trying to protect you, and I was reckless. Need you to know why.”

  I nodded. I didn’t feel like he owed me that, but I felt like he needed to get it off of his chest.

  “In the service, I saw shit. Bad shit. I saw the aftermath of things that happened to women. I’m telling you, Maple, sometimes things were so bad, you wish you could un-see them and un-know them because once you know that shit like that really happens, you can never take it back. It’s always there. It burned a hate in me for men who hurt women. I did some counseling at the VA when I got out. I thought I had that handled, but seeing a man put his hands on you? My Maple? I lost it, and you got hurt. I’m sorry.

  I stopped him by putting my hands over his lips. He wanted to beat himself up about it and I wasn't having it.

  “Your Maple?” I asked quietly.

  He kissed my fingertips and spoke, “Am I in your bed?”

  “Yes but..”

  “Honey, you’ve been mine since I saw you drop into the lake. You just weren't ready to hear it or accept it.”

  “And now I am,” I said realization hitting me.

  “And now you are.”

  I stared at him and looked deep into his eyes. He was right I had been his.

  “I’m yours.” I gave those words to him, gave them to us and then I gave in. I tilted my head up to his and he moved his down to mine, kissing me gently at first. It wasn't rushed. His lips brushed over mine slowly, nipping the bottom lip, kissing my top lip. He was taking his time, like we had nowhere to be, no one to answer to, and I suppose we didn’t. So, in the early morning, with the sun beaming through my window, Keenan Rys went about claiming me and making sure I knew.

  Eventually, his light kisses turned deeper. It was a blur of hands gripping, hair pulling and clothes ridding.

  “
Keenan,” I whisper moaned his name when his fingers finally touched me in my most intimate places. I was on fire, and I felt my body coiling with need.

  “I want you,” I pleaded.

  “Soon,” he gently nipped my neck, while he brought me to the brink. I was close, so close.

  “Keenan!” I called out again in a desperate plea for him to take me there.

  “Love it when you say my name honey, but when I make you come for the first time, I’ll be inside of you.”

  “Then get inside of me, Keenan,” I said tugging him close.

  He didn't waste anymore time. He moved inside of me. Our bodies, slick with sweat, glided over each other like we were in a well-choreographed dance. Every movement was as calculated, as it was wild. And when he was ready to take me there, we did it together. Two lovers claiming each other; two lovers falling for each other.

  It had been two weeks with Rys. Two weeks of getting to really know each other and falling into a routine. He worked hard at his job. When he wasn’t working, he was either helping Earl, or on the nights I worked, he was sitting up at the bar. Luckily, Iggy forgave Rys for the bar fight. Rys continuously prompted me to talk about Momma, and even though I gave him my pain once, I still held back. I didn’t trust what we were building, not entirely. Too many relationships of mine started off in bliss and eventually, their true colors bled through.

  Rys stayed with me at Grams when he could. It felt natural to have him there. Every chance we got, we were frantically tearing at each other. We were starved beasts with an unquenchable hunger. He was my drug I was alive and addicted.

  It was a Saturday. I was working at Iggy’s and Rys had his normal seat at the bar where he nursed his beer. Alex was at the bar tonight as a customer, and was drinking obnoxiously. I could see Rys’ glare at him every time Alex ordered. Alex pretended Rys wasn’t there, and that we weren’t a couple. He knew we were. Rys did a good job of making sure everyone knew it. Like tonight with a bar full of patrons, he didn’t hesitate to kiss me possessively before ordering his beer.