The Struggle

by Jennifer L. Armentrout

  I didn’t feel much relief. Some rapists didn’t have to like or even be attracted to someone to rape them. It wasn’t about any of that, and all I could hope was that Josie wasn’t hiding something. It was obvious he’d found other ways to torture her and he had, but some of my violent anger cooled. There’d be no storm outside. “There is a lot we need to talk about.”

  Josie stared at me a moment and then her gaze flickered around the room. “I . . . I don’t know what is happening.” She swallowed hard. “When I woke up earlier, I was confused and . . . I just don’t know what is happening.”

  All I wanted to do was gather her into my arms, but she didn’t sound right. There was something missing from her voice and she had the look of a cornered, confused animal. I had the suspicion she needed some space right now. Probably would be wise of me to sit in one of the numerous chairs in the room, but I couldn’t make myself move.

  So I sat very still. “I’ll fill in as many blanks as I can for you, but I have Basil grabbing some food for you. He’ll be coming up here shortly. I want you to eat this time.”

  Her brows rose. “Basil? Like the plant?”

  I smiled faintly. “Basil means kingly in Greek. He’s a half and a servant here.”

  She blinked slowly. “You have half-blood servants here?”

  “Yes, but it’s not what you think. When I first got here, I told them all to leave. They didn’t listen,” I explained, wanting her to understand. “None of them are on the elixir. They are all here out of free will.”

  Confusion increased in her brilliant blue gaze. “But why would you have servants?”

  “That’s kind of a convoluted story that I will tell you, but there is something more important I need to say.”

  She shifted and winced.

  “You okay?”

  Josie nodded. “I’m just . . . sore.” She seemed to war with herself and then lifted her gaze to mine. “I’m guessing Hyperion is still alive.”

  “Not for long,” I promised, one I fully intended to keep.

  “Then how am I here and not there, in that—?” She trailed off with a sharp breath. “I’m so confused.”

  Gods. She’d been through a lot, too much. I started to rise. “This can actually wait. I don’t—”

  “No.” One cool hand wrapped around my wrist in a surprisingly strong grip. I looked down at her. “I’m fine. You can talk.”

  My gaze held hers and then dropped to the bracelet around her slender wrist. Reaching down, I lifted her hand to my mouth. I kissed her palm.

  Josie’s breath caught and then she pulled her hand free, folding her fingers around the blanket once more. “You . . . you really need to start talking.”

  “I do.” I took a deep breath, inexplicably nervous. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt so much anxiety. Actually, I could. It was the last time my mother held a party here. I’d wanted to hide, because I knew she was going to pull me out, do the dog and pony show, pretending to actually care, pretending to be proud. Everyone would stare at me, afraid but curious.

  “Seth?”

  Shaking my head, I focused on her and said, “I know I said this before, but I have to say it again. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for leaving you in Malibu.”

  Several moments passed, and I began to fear that she wouldn’t say anything. “Why?” she whispered. “Why did you leave me after . . . after everything we’ve shared?”

  “I thought I was protecting you from what . . . what I’ve become,” I explained. “I fed off you without you knowing. I saw how horrified and disgusted you were, and you had every right to be.”

  “I was shocked,” she said, lifting one hand to brush back her damp hair. “And yes, I was . . . I was pissed. What you did was wrong, but we could’ve worked through that. You didn’t give us a chance.”

  “I know,” I agreed, leaning toward her. “I know I didn’t give us a chance, but I thought I was doing the right thing. Especially after Atlas, and what I’ve become.”

  “The God Killer?” she asked.

  I nodded. “When I came to and realized what I was, it . . . Fuck, it freaked me out, Josie. I didn’t know what I was capable of or what I was going to do. That’s no excuse. I get it. But I freaked out, and I have never, Josie, never been more sorry about anything I’ve ever done. Anything.”

  Josie’s chest rose with a deep breath. She started to speak, but there was a quiet knock on the door.

  “It’s most likely Basil.” I rose but paused. “Are you okay with him coming in here?”

  “Yes.”

  I went to the door, opening it. Basil stepped inside, his gaze focused on the floor. The scent of herbs filled the room. “Would you like me to place the tray on the bed, Kýrios?”

  “Sure.” I followed behind him, my gaze fixed on Josie.

  A look of curiosity filled her features as Basil carried a large silver tray toward the bed. He placed it beside her. “I’ve brought you soup, Kyría, and steamed wild rice with a hint of light sauce.”

  Josie gaped at him, and despite everything, a small smile curled the corners of my mouth.

  Basil lifted the lids, revealing two large bowls. “I’ve brought water, but if you would like some other type of refreshment, I would be more than happy to retrieve it for you.”

  “Water is fine,” she said, glancing at me uncertainly before looking back at Basil. “Thank you.”

  “My pleasure, Kyría.” He bowed and then backed away from the bed. “May I be of any other service?”

  I shook my head. “That will be all.”

  Basil bowed once more and left.

  Josie now gaped at me. “Did he . . . did he just call me ‘lady’ and you ‘lord’?”

  The smile went up a notch as I returned to her side, picking up the bowl and spoon. “They’re kind of ‘old school’ around here.”

  “Okay,” she said, but she was eyeing me with disbelief.

  “There’s a lot we need to go over, but I want you to eat as much of this as you can first.” I dipped the spoon in the soup, loading it up with broth and what appeared to be some sort of noodle. “Open up.”

  “Are you actually going to hand feed me?”

  I glanced down at what I was doing and felt my cheeks heat. “I guess I am.”

  “I can feed myself.”

  “I know, but I want . . . I want to do this.” And I did. “Besides, you’re busy holding the robe closed over your very, very glorious breasts.”

  Josie’s face flushed red and her eyes narrowed. “Don’t talk about my breasts.”

  Another grin pulled at my lips. “But I can look at them?”

  “No,” she shot back.

  Another grin snuck free. “I’m not sure I can promise not to look.” I moved the spoon to her mouth. “But I’ll try.”

  Josie watched me for a moment, her look indecipherable, but she opened her mouth. I got about half a dozen spoonfuls of soup in, and half that amount of rice, before she said, “I saw you. You realize that, right?” She leaned back from me. “I saw you out on the balcony, and unless that was a really realistic nightmare, I don’t get what’s happening here.”

  “Please eat some more first.”

  Anger flashed across her face, and I was thrilled to see it. Anger was better than despair and desolation. “Seth—”

  “I will explain everything to you. Everything,” I promised. “But I need you to be better—healthy and whole, and I . . .” My throat suddenly felt thick. “I came back to you—after I left. You weren’t at Gable’s house. You were somewhere else. I didn’t mean to, but I couldn’t stop myself. You were sleeping.”

  Her eyes widened. “I thought I felt you. I chalked it up to a dream, but it was you?”

  I nodded.

  “How in the world?”

  “I’ll get to that,” I said. “When I left you, I told myself that I’d never see you again. Obviously I hadn’t held myself to that. I came to you after I left, and then I tried to find you again. That’s how I learn
ed what had happened. I didn’t—I didn’t even know what happened until then, and when I heard that Hyperion had taken you, I have never felt so helpless. I’ve never felt such terror before, because I couldn’t find you. I didn’t know how to find you. I could’ve lost you—lost you in the worst possible way, but I didn’t. You’re here, and right now, I just want to help make you better. To get better, you need to eat, because you told me earlier that you didn’t remember the last time you ate. Please let me do this.”

  Josie started, and for a second, I thought she was going to deny me, but she nodded. When I lifted the spoon again, there was no hiding the way my hand trembled. We nearly finished off the bowl of soup and rice in silence, stopping only when she swore she could neither eat nor drink anymore. I removed the tray, placing it on the table by the door.

  She was still holding the robe to her chest when I came back to her, and it was hard not to think of the fact that she was nude under that.

  “I was coming after you,” she said, and I already knew that, but I kind of loved hearing her say that. “Even though the whole feeding off me was so . . . so wrong, I was going to come after you. That was my plan. I was going to stand next to you. I was going to fight for you. Prove that you . . . you are worthy of how I feel for you.” Her voice was raspy. “And after everything, I finally see you, and that—that was all I wanted—was to see you, and I found you with another woman.”

  My heart cracked all over again at her words and the tears building in her eyes. “It wasn’t how it looked.”

  She coughed out a harsh laugh. “Really?”

  “I know how that sounds,” I continued. “I truly do, but it is the truth. Her name is Karina and she is the high priestess here.”

  “High priestess?” she repeated.

  “That’s a part of the convoluted story I need to tell you—she’s a big part of it, and gods know, it’s a messed-up story, but I was not embracing her. There is absolutely nothing between us. Nothing. There never has been. There won’t be.”

  “Don’t lie,” she whispered. “I saw you. You had your hands on her. You were touching her—”

  I shot forward, moving faster than she could track. Carefully clasping her cheeks, I guided her gaze to mine. “It wasn’t like that, Josie. I swear to you. It could never be, because I love you, Josie. I love you.”

  Chapter 19

  Josie

  My heart slowed and then sped up. I’d thought Seth had told me that only once before, when he believed I was asleep, and sometimes I wasn’t even a hundred percent sure I’d heard him say that then.

  But he really said that now.

  Seth said those three short words that meant everything.

  Well, “I have cake” was also three short, powerful words, but hearing Seth say he loved me was like a thousand hopes and dreams come true at once.

  Part of me wanted to spring out from under the covers and tackle-hug him. The other half was frozen in so much confusion and trepidation. I didn’t truly understand what was going on. Maybe it was because I was so damn exhausted, since even upon waking and eating, I was tired down to my bones. But it felt like only hours ago I was huddled on the cold dirt waiting . . . and wanting to die rather than face another second with Hyperion or the rest of the Titans. I still didn’t even understand how I’d gotten here or how we were going to help Mitchell if Seth refused to let me look for him or leave my side.

  And I wanted to celebrate what Seth was saying. He was finally telling me how he felt, but I couldn’t erase the image of him and that beautiful brunette.

  “Josie?” His gaze searched mine, and I realized I hadn’t spoken.

  I took a shaky breath. “I’ve . . . I’ve waited forever for you to say that.”

  A slow smile started to creep over his lips. “And I should’ve said it forever ago.”

  I wanted to smile back at him, but all I could do was stare at him. There was so much we needed to talk about—that I needed to focus on. My thoughts were all over the place, and I was feeling so much—too much. And I was naked. Like, legit naked under the robe that was too big and kept slipping off my shoulder and gapping in the front. And I vaguely remembered Seth hauling my sobbing, naked butt out of the shower, and helping me get in the robe when I’d jumped out of the bed and fell on the floor naked.

  Concern filled those amber eyes. “Josie, please say something. Anything.”

  I needed to say something. “If you love me, then why . . . why did I see you outside with her?”

  Seth was still for a moment and then lowered his hands to the space between us. “I think I need to start at the beginning.”

  “Yeah.” I tucked the blanket under my arms. “I think that would make the most sense.”

  Rising from the bed, Seth walked toward a cabinet. Despite everything that we needed to talk about and all that had happened to me, I couldn’t stop my gaze from roaming over all the exposed skin. He’d been shirtless earlier, but I hadn’t noticed him. I did now. The defined pecs. The tightly coiled abs. The sweats hanging low enough that they showed off those indentations on either side of his hips. Even his back was amazing. Long, lean and muscled.

  Why couldn’t he be wearing a shirt?

  But it was Seth, so of course not.

  “My whole life, I’ve had this . . . this unexplainable draw to aether. It always called to me, even before I awakened as the Apollyon.” Bending down, he grabbed a bottle of water out of a mini-fridge hidden in the cabinet. Turning, he faced me. “It got worse when I became the Apollyon, but I never understood it. Other than the pures and halfs who got addicted to aether and turned into daimons, I didn’t know anyone else who could feel what I could feel. When Alex awakened, she didn’t feel that way. I always thought there was just something wired wrong in me, you know? But I . . . I understand now.”

  Walking back to the bed, he sat beside me. Unscrewing the lid, he offered the open bottle of water. I took it. “There was this . . . this voice inside me when I became the God Killer, guiding what I was doing. I know that sounds crazy, but that was how it felt. Like everything inside me had been building to that moment or leading me to that moment.” He paused, frowning. “You need to drink, Josie.”

  In a daze, I took a decent gulp of water.

  Appearing to be satisfied, he said, “You know, now that I think about it, I wonder if Ares knew the truth. He wanted me to become the God Killer. Through me, he sought to control the other gods, but I . . . I cannot be controlled.”

  My eyes widened, because he said that without an ounce of arrogance. It was just a statement of fact. A truth bomb delicately detonated. Seth couldn’t be controlled now.

  “I guess he didn’t realize what I would become once I was the God Killer.” The muscles in his shoulders tensed as he shrugged. “Who knows, though? Anyway, I didn’t understand fully what was happening. That’s why I left, and I know that’s not a good enough excuse for leaving you. It will never be, but I was . . . I was afraid that I would hurt you. That I wouldn’t be able to control myself.”

  Hearing him admit that he was afraid was always a shock, because Seth didn’t seem scared of anything.

  I took another drink of water.

  “Do you remember the nymphs that had helped us outside of your grandparents’ house? One of them has been around on and off. His name is Ewan. He rarely makes any sense.” A wry grin appeared on his lips. “But he was the first to tell me I was not just a God Killer, but a god.”

  I almost choked on the water. “What?”

  “A god,” he repeated, his amber gaze latching onto mine. “I’m a god, Josie, and I’m not saying that to be funny.”

  Shock rendered me speechless as I stared at him. Part of me wanted to laugh, because it sounded legit crazy, but I was a demigod and that had also sounded crazy at first.

  “I didn’t believe it at first. Even when I could do things I hadn’t been able to do before, it still sounded ridiculous to me.” Seth shifted closer, catching a strand of my hair. His fin
gertips brushed along the curve of my cheek as he tucked it back behind my ear, causing me to shiver. “But it is true. Somehow, and for some reason, this was what I was always meant to be. The Appointed God. The God of Life and Death.” He laughed at that as he lowered his hand. “There’s even a temple here.”

  I blinked. “A temple? For you?”

  He grinned. “For me.”

  “Holy crap,” I whispered, and that was the best I could come up with. Seth was a god—a god that was worshipped.