Never Look Back (Counting Stars Book 1)

by Trish Williford

  A lie.

  I've been getting really good at lies lately.

  He reached into the nightstand and grabbed a bottle of KY and quickly solved the problem. He moaned loudly as he slid into me, laying his chest against mine. I couldn't look at him, I felt sick. I closed my eyes and tilted my head back to convince him I was enjoying this. Every move I was making had to be perfectly orchestrated so he didn't think I was faking...I was doing this to save my life. I leaned up to his ear and groaned seductively. "Wy, I'm so close."

  Another lie.

  I haven't had an orgasm in years, let alone been turned on. He started moving faster and I could tell he wasn't far off. "Together, Becca, I need to do this together." He moaned.

  Just a moment later, he stilled above me, his muscles becoming ridged. I clenched my muscles around him and panted in his ear about how amazing he was, how much I loved him, how good it felt. He bought it, thankfully.

  He rolled off of me and laid on his side of the bed, still panting. He looked over at me and gave me a smile. "Damn Bec, I'll never get tired of us together. I'm sorry I got angry, but I really need my meds. Can you make sure you pick them up first thing in the morning?"

  I had picked them up last week like he'd asked. Either he overlooked them or he already went through his supply, and I'm thinking it’s the latter of the two. I leaned up and pressed a small kiss on his cheek. "Of course Wy, I'll make sure you get them. I'm sorry."

  Apologizing for something you didn't do was hard, but it made things easier with him. "I know you are, and I forgive you."

  I started rubbing his chest with my fingertips, knowing that is the fastest way he gets to sleep. I watched him fall into a deep sleep and didn't move until he started snoring. I quickly ran into the bathroom and cleaned myself up. Looking into the mirror as I washed my hands, I saw the reflection of an extremely sad, rundown, battered woman who prayed every night for a miracle.

  I don't want money, I just want Wyatt back...my Wyatt.

  Pulling down the collar of my shirt I noticed a ring around my neck bruising from where he started to choke me. I used to only have to worry about him while we were awake, but it looks like I have to be on alert at all times now.

  I can't catch a break.

  I tried to hold back the tears, but I couldn't this time. I grabbed a fluffy towel and held it over my mouth, crying hysterically.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  "Kelsey, can you hear me? Kel, look at me baby." I was brought out of the nightmare by a wet, but fully clothed Spencer. I realized I was still in the shower, but curled up in the corner. Oh no. I freaked out again. "I'm sor-sor...-"

  Spencer reached above him and turned off the ice cold water. "You're lips are blue. I can't believe I didn't hear you sooner." He grabbed a towel that I put outside the shower and covered me up without taking the opportunity to look at my goods. He picked me up and carried me into his room, sitting me in front of the already roaring fireplace. "Are you ok?" He asked, never leaving my side.

  "Spence, I'm so sorry. I'm completely embarrassed. I can call a taxi to-"

  "Stop it Kel, you aren't going anywhere tonight. I'm going to get cleaned up, you should get dressed. I'll be right back." He placed a kiss on my forehead and walked into the bathroom.

  I dried off and put my pajamas on before he came back in the room. He was dressed in a white cotton tee and a pair of blue plaid pajama pants. "I laid out a hair dryer so you can dry your hair before you get sick."

  I started walking towards the bathroom. "Thank you." I said quietly.

  I closed the bathroom door behind me and turned on the hair dryer. Way to go Kelsey, you're royally screwing this up. Maybe it's too soon to be dating. Obviously the wounds are still fresh and deep. Spencer is such a good guy, I don't want to drag him down with me.

  Who am I kidding? After he realizes how big of a nutcase I am he's going to send me packing. After my hair was dry I opened the bathroom door to find Spencer standing at the window. I walked over to him and kept my focus on the view. I wasn't sure what to say, so I apologized.

  "Spence, I'm sorry that happened. Maybe I'm not ready to date, I have a lot of issues."

  He didn't turn his gaze away from the snowy city. "I can't even wrap my head around what happened to you. I'm so incredibly furious that someone who was supposed to love you and take care of you put you through hell day in and day out. But I need you to understand something." He turned to look at me, his face serious. "You are not the one who has issues, not one bit. I don't want to hear you blaming yourself for the way you react to things. You're going to have breakdowns occasionally, and its okay. What you went through is not normal. But don't push me away and don't tell me you're not ready for this. I need us...we need us. You can't let what happened to you dictate the present or the future. If you do, then he wins. I'm here Kelsey, and he's never going to hurt you again, I promise."

  My heart was in my stomach. After I freaked out again and he came to my rescue again, he still wants me..."Spence, I need-"

  Spencer sighed loudly. "Damn it Kelsey stop trying to apologize!"

  I let out a small chuckle. "Actually, I was going to say...I need you to kiss me."

  He let a small smile play on those beautiful lips. "Whatever you need, Kel." He stepped closer to me, running both hands through my hair. He leaned in close enough that I could feel his breath against my skin. "I'm going to treat you the way you deserve to be treated, like a queen...my queen. You're mine now, no one will ever mess with you again." He swallowed once before looking down to my lips. "And I promise, I'll kiss these soft lips every single day so much you won't have to ask me to kiss you again." His lips finally met mine. With the words he just spoke, I decided to let my fort crumble. If he was willing to take a chance on me, I was willing to try to love again. I wanted to show him I was all in. I deepened our kiss, running my hands up his neck to thread his hair between my fingers. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me tight against him. Our kiss was urgent, desperate, and powerful. Spencer bent down slightly and picked me up, carrying me over to his bed. Without breaking apart, he gently laid me down. I opened my legs, inviting him to lay on me, but he continued to hover over my body. I tried pulling his hips down to lay against me, but he didn't move. Instead, he removed his lips from mine. I involuntarily whimpered, causing him to give me that sexy half smile. "I'm not letting us go there, not tonight. When we do it will be special, I promise."

  I grinned at him. "You're promising a lot tonight, Spence."

  He nodded. "And every promise I intend on keeping. Before we get too hot and heavy, do you want some popcorn and we'll watch the snow fall over the city?"

  My heart fluttered. He was doing an excellent job at keeping this simple. "That sounds perfect to me." Within a few minutes, we were both sitting against the headboard of his bed with all the lights out. The bright lights of the city illuminated the room just enough. We both had the oversized down comforter over us and the bowl of popcorn sitting on Spencer’s lap.

  “Was I screaming while in the shower?” I asked quietly. I was silently wondering how he knew to come check on me since he found me.

  He didn’t look at me. “Yeah. I’m sorry I barged in like that. I was afraid there was a psycho killer in the bathroom. I called your name once I was inside, but you didn’t answer, you just kept screaming. It scared the hell out of me.”

  I put my head on his shoulder and my hand on his thigh. “I’m sorry Spencer. Sometimes I get flashbacks of things that happened back then.”

  Spencer leaned his head against mine. “Can you tell me what you had a flashback about?”

  I sighed. “Are you sure you want to know?”

  He kissed my forehead. “I want to know everything about you.”

  I sat up straight, bringing my knees to my chest. “This one was from about five years ago. I woke up in the middle of the night and found him strangling me. I was able to get him off of me. I hadn’t slept an entire night through again until
you stayed with me the other night. You make me feel safe.”

  Spencer sat the popcorn bowl on his nightstand and pulled me over to him. “You’re safe now, you don’t have to be scared of him anymore.” He said into my hair.

  “I just can’t help it. My body is kind of programed to keep waking up to make sure I’m okay. He wasn’t always bad. I just don’t want you to think I walked into a marriage knowing this was how my life would be.”

  “I know I’m pressing my luck, but can I ask what happened to make him change?” Spencer asked.

  I knew I eventually wanted to tell him, but I was exhausted. “I will tell you, but not tonight. I don’t want him to ruin my night with you.”

  Spencer gave me a nod. “I understand. Is there anything else you want to talk about?”

  “No, not talk.” I said, pulling his face down to mine.

  Spencer smiled brightly. “Talking is so overrated.”

  The next morning we picked up Tank from the kennel. He was the epitome of a bulldog, and I absolutely fell in love with him. His hair was fawn with white markings, and he had the biggest brown eyes I’ve ever seen on a dog. He was so excited to see Spencer, and after we got back to his place, Tank laid on my lap for the rest of the lazy afternoon.

  Although I was happy spending time with Spence, I was excited when Ryleigh texted me later in the week saying she was home from her trip.

  “Ryleigh’s home, I’m going to go spend time with her tonight. Thanks for having me this weekend.”

  Spencer was laying on the couch, so I leaned down and kissed him on the cheek. He grabbed my waist, pulling me on top of him.

  “What’s that all about mister?” I giggled as his lips found my neck.

  “You coming back tonight?” he asked.

  “Probably not, Ry and I are having a girls night. I’ll see you at work tomorrow.”

  He grinded his hips into mine, catching me off guard. “You sure? I really like waking up next to you.”

  My god, he set my body on fire with just a simple move of his hips. I crashed my lips onto his, wanting him to devour every inch of me. Still kissing me, he sat up and wrapped his arms around me. His hands were all over me, making me want him more and more. His hands found their way under my shirt and he started rubbing his fingers along my bare skin. I felt him run over my scar a few times, and I knew he was wondering what he was feeling.

  That did it for me. I pulled away and grabbed my purse. “I have to go. Ry’s waiting for me.”

  Spencer’s face fell. “Hey, what’s wrong? What did I do?”

  I shook my head. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I um…I…I’m sorry, I just have to go. I’m sorry Spence.” I made my way to the door and slid my feet into my shoes. I felt his hand on my lower back and I froze.

  “Is it because I felt whatever this is? I don’t care what’s under your clothes Kel. I love what’s in here, this big heart of yours.”

  Whoa…wait a second…did he just say what he loves about me? I really need to get out of here.

  “We need to slow down. I need to take a breather. We’re ok, I promise.” I leaned up and kissed his cheek, then walked out of the condo. I took my time driving home, letting myself calm down.

  This was the first time Spencer had tried to make a move to have sex, and I totally ruined it. He felt my scar and I got completely self-conscious. I don’t know if I’m ever going to be back to normal, and it terrifies me. If I can’t give myself to him, he’ll surely leave me at some point. I decided to go home and talk to Ryleigh about it. Hopefully she’ll have experience in this area.

  Chapter Thirty

  “YAY! I’m so happy to see you!” A very tan Ryleigh about knocked me over as she flung herself at me. I laughed, receiving her hug.

  “I missed you Ry. I’m so happy you’re home.”

  Ryleigh looked at me and frowned. “What’s wrong?”

  I tried my best to throw on a happy face. “Nothing, come on, I want to hear all about your trip!”

  She caught my elbow as I walked past her. “Not so fast. I don’t spill about the trip until you spill what’s wrong with you. Do I need to kick Spencer’s ass?”

  I chuckled, shaking my head. “No, he’s fine. It’s me. I’m having a rough time adjusting to a relationship with him. Anytime we start getting physical, I pull back. I know he won’t be patient with me forever.”

  She rubbed my arm, giving me a sympathetic smile. “Let’s go get dinner and talk.”

  During the drive to the restaurant, Ryleigh opened her purse. “I almost forgot! I got this magazine at the airport in Dallas during my layover. Look at this beautiful woman with this handsome man at a benefit!”

  I stopped at a red light and took the magazine from Ryleigh. The page she had flagged had a picture of Spencer and I on the red carpet from the benefit ball last week. My anxiety went through the roof, making it hard to breathe.

  “Hey, it’s a good picture. Why do you look terrified?” Ryleigh asked.

  I shook my head. “I need to tell you why this isn’t good…”

  After three hours at the Italian restaurant, Ryleigh knew the entire back story of what happened while I was Rebecca. She cried along with me at certain spots of the story, holding my hand when needed. After I finished, I was hoping she would give me the answers I needed.

  “It’s very unlikely that Wyatt would ever find this article. Plus, you said you’ve changed your hair color and you have your makeup done. If by chance he did see this, he would think that this girl looks like Rebecca, and nothing more. There’s no way that she could be in a different country with a superstar.” Ryleigh explained.

  This wasn’t making me feel any better. I refused to look at the magazine again, but I was curious. “What does the article say?”

  Ryleigh took a long sip of her wine. “Are you sure you want to know?”

  I nodded.

  “It says that you were the reason behind Spencer’s split with his ex-wife Elizabeth Caine. She-“

  My mouth hit the table. “WHAT? ELIZABETH CAINE? That’s Spencer’s ex-wife?”

  She gave me a strange glare. “Yes, you didn’t know?”

  “Of course I didn’t know! She’s one of the biggest actresses in Hollywood, of course they would put a story like this in a magazine in the states!”

  Ryleigh sighed. “It doesn’t make matters better that Elizabeth hasn’t spoke up and denied these claims. It’s probably her team making these rumors up since she has a new movie coming out in the next few weeks, trying to gain publicity and all.”

  I rested my head in my hands. This really isn’t good. What if someone in Monroe sees it? What if Mama or Daddy see it? Pres? Maybe if Wyatt comes across it he’ll be too drunk to even think about it. “I feel sick about this.”

  “I’ll call Marcus tomorrow morning about this and let him know. He’ll be able to gauge if there is anything going on back where you lived, okay?” Ryleigh offered.

  My hands were shaking. Knowing that Taylor was going to be aware of this made me feel a little better, but not much. Taylor is going to be so pissed off that I was careless. I couldn’t care less what those magazines say, I know it’s not the truth, and so does Spencer.

  Oh…Spencer. I got back to the original conversation, then told Ryleigh about how I freaked out when he tried to make a move on me this afternoon.

  “I have been in rough relationships before, but I wasn’t sent here because of that. That’s another story for another day. Listen to what your body tells you. How do you feel about Spencer?”

  “He makes me feel really good about myself. He has a huge heart, he’s so sweet, he’s so damn attractive, and I feel really safe with him. I haven’t felt security in such a long time. He’s completely taken me with my problems and with no judgment. I think about him all the time, but I’m not sure if I’m ready to allow myself to fall in love with him yet. It’s too soon.”

  “Says who?” Ryleigh questioned.

  “I mean, who let’s themse
lves fall in love with someone after a week or two of dating?”

  She shrugged. “So you’ve been dating for a couple weeks. You’ve spent more time with him in the last month or two than most married couples do. Your situation isn’t like anyone else’s. You both needed someone to lean on, so there is a bigger emotional connection between you two than physical. If you think you’re falling for him, let yourself. There aren’t any rules in love.”

  Ryleigh is wiser beyond her years. “Thank you Ry. I’m feeling a little better.”

  She frowned. “You sure?”

  “Yes. Now, I need to hear about your vacation, every single minute of it!”

  Before she could start her story, our waitress stopped by our table. “I’m sorry ladies, but we’re closing in a few minutes. Could I bring you the check?”

  I glanced down at my phone, which was on silent. Not only was it almost midnight, but I had four missed calls from Spencer and at least ten text messages. We quickly paid the bill and jumped in my car. I dialed his number after putting my seatbelt on.

  “Thank God you’re ok. You and Ryleigh weren’t answering your phones.” A worried Spencer answered.

  “Spencer I’m sorry. I had my phone on silent and Ry left hers in the car. Is everything ok?”

  “Yeah, I was just checking on you. Are you ok? I was hoping you weren’t ignoring me.”

  Now I felt really terrible. “Of course I’m not ignoring you. I’m sorry I ran out on you like that. Can I call you back once I get back home?”

  “Yeah, that’s fine. I’m sorry.”

  “Please don’t apologize. I promise I’ll call you soon.” I hung up the phone and looked over at Ryleigh.

  “The kid’s got it bad for you. Don’t let him scare you off, he’s just proving to be a passionate person.”