A Love Worth Searching For

by Kathleen Ball

  “I hate to say it, but he was in his wagon with his sister. I’ve never been one to say anything bad about a preacher but this one is never there when there’s trouble. I’m beginning to wonder if he even has a Bible. Did you notice he doesn’t hold one during funerals? Strange if you ask me.”

  “That’s what I like about you, Rex. You’re very observant. Keep an eye out for Lily and Smitty. I have a bad feeling.”

  Rex took off his hat and wiped his brow with his sleeve. “You got it, boss.” He turned his bay horse and rode down the line of wagons.

  The rest of the day was uneventful. Jed did notice that Lily held a rifle across her lap. It was probably a good idea. He just wasn’t sure how to handle the disgruntled group. They wanted Lily gone, and that wasn’t happening. He just wasn’t sure how to keep her safe. He couldn’t leave the train; he had an obligation to the party.

  He’d drive them a bit longer than usual. Perhaps they’d be too tired to fight much.

  The wheels slowed as the sun began to lower in the sky. The sky had a peaceful pink and purple color to it, but Lily knew the calm to be a charade. She’d be lucky if she didn’t get her throat slashed by the end of the night. She could feel the tension even driving with Smitty, the tension could be felt.

  Why had Jed lied to them by telling them she threw a knife at Chayton? She hated lies. It had halted the crowd for barely a minute. Her stomach had lurched when that man called for a scalp. It always made her queasy to see scalps hanging from lances and belts. No matter where a person stood, there were good and bad people on either side. Right now it was the white people she was afraid of.

  She offered to unyoke and unharness the oxen, but Smitty wouldn’t hear of it. So instead, she grabbed wood and started the fire. They were going to need more wood. Most of the easily found branches had already been picked up, probably by other wagon trains. She walked deeper into the forest. She had to pull dead branches down off trees but it wasn’t anything she hadn’t done a million times before.

  The back of her neck prickled. Someone was watching her again. Leaning down she grabbed her knife and kept it in her hand. Instead of carrying the wood bundle from tree to tree she left it and brought wood back to it. She stopped often and listened and it didn’t take long before she saw Garber. He hadn’t yet seen her.

  “Looking for wood too?” she asked as she raised her right brow.

  At first, he seemed startled, then his face contorted in rage. “I was looking for you. Looks like I found you.”

  She kept a safe difference between them. “I’m here, so say what you have to say and get going.”

  A sick grin crossed his face. “I wasn’t planning on talking. My original intent was to have me some fun with you. I know you were giving it away for free to those young bucks. Then I thought choking you would be the perfect topper.”

  “I thought you and Wanda were engaged. It wouldn’t be right to try for me when you have an intended.”

  He shook his head. “How stupid do you think I am? I’d never marry that harpy. I’ve had my eye on you since the beginning. I don’t think one more man would matter.”

  She gradually backed a few steps away from him. “I’m sorry to disappoint you but the gossips have been working overtime. I can go to my future husband intact and with a clear conscious.”

  Garber laughed. “Everyone knows that Indians rape white women. You don’t have to lie. It’s going to happen either way.”

  She felt like a cat ready to spring as she gripped her knife ready to defend herself. Adrenaline coursed through her body.

  “I found her!” Owen shouted as he stepped into view. “Is there a problem here?” He glared at Garber.

  Rage filled Garber’s eyes as he pressed hip lips into a grim, straight line. “No, just gathering some wood is all.” He quickly looked around. “Who are you shouting to?”

  Rex appeared, gun in hand. “That would be me. We’re gathering wood too. I suggest we all go back to camp. And Garber? Stay away from Lily.”

  They didn’t wait for an answer as Lily walked away from Garber flanked by her two escorts. She led them to the pile of wood she’d gathered. “No sense in leaving it here. Not when I have such strong men to carry it.”

  Owen grunted as he picked up the whole pile. “I don’t think Jed would think wood is worth your safety. You do know that Garber planned to harm you?”

  “No more wandering away from camp, Lily. Jed was mad when he couldn’t find you, and I have to say, Jed isn’t much fun when he’s angry.”

  “I’m sorry you had to come looking for me.” The knot in her stomach tightened as camp came into view. Jed paced in front of Smitty’s wagon with his hands clenched.

  He turned as they came out of the woods. His expression changed from fury to concern. “Where were you?”

  “Getting more wood. I know it sounds like a poor excuse, but I needed to get away from all the prying eyes. It was too much.” She sat down and added wood to the fire. “I’m sorry I worried you.”

  Owen stepped forward. “It’s a good thing you sent us. Garber was threatening her.”

  Jed swallowed hard. “What happened?” He stared at her.

  “He planned to rape then kill me. I had my knife so it wouldn’t have happened. I just didn’t want to be blamed for his death. He is a coward and is too fat to move quick enough. I am grateful you sent Owen and Rex to find me. Now I don’t have blood on my hands.”

  “Lily—”

  “I have to help make some food for us. We can discuss it later. Please don’t go after Garber. It’ll be his word against mine, and we all know my word is worthless.”

  Jed nodded. “I’ll leave it be for the moment, but I’m not making any promises for the future.”

  “Fair enough.” She set the beans that had been soaking all day over the fire and then cut up fatback and onion. She added all ingredients together and gave the pot a stir. “How about hoecakes instead of biscuits?” She tried to sound as normal as possible. How the situation with Garber would play out was anyone’s guess but somehow it would be to her detriment.

  Finally, the men left her to her cooking. She’d forgotten just how complicated the white man’s world was. There was always someone who wasn’t happy. She mixed the batter for the hoecakes when a shadow blocked the setting sun. It was a surprise to see Tara. Lily had a feeling she should feel dismay.

  “Lily, I just wanted you to know how grateful I am that you saved Jed. He’s a good man with an incredible future. I just hate all this talk about you and how it reflects poorly on Jed. People are beginning to question his leadership skills.”

  “I don’t think it’s his leadership they question. It’s me they don’t like.” Lily put her hands on her hips and calmly stared at Tara.

  “Well, yes that is the real problem. I was thinking we could leave you at the next fort. You must have someone out there missing you. It would be the best thing you could do for Jed. It sounds like he has a great ranch with his brothers, and they are well known in the community. I’d hate for him to have a mark against him for his behavior on this train.”

  Lily furrowed her brow. “His behavior? I don’t understand what you are saying. He has been a great leader and has used all his skills to keep us safe.”

  Tara gave her a condescending smile. “You’ve been away from regular people too long. Skills don’t matter as much as a reputation. Right now, his reputation as an upright, moral, strong leader is in question and it’s because of his association with you. I know it’s hard to hear but it’s true. I’m not trying to hurt you.”

  There was a lot of merit in what she said, and Lily’s heart dropped. She hadn’t thought about how people looked at Jed now. She was taunting him with her presence. “I understand. Thank you for telling me, and I’m glad you weren’t harmed.”

  Tara smiled and nodded. “I’ll let you get back to what you were doing. I’m glad we had this little talk.”

  Tara’s hips swayed back and forth as she walked a
way. It must be nice to be Tara. People liked her and accepted her. She’d be a good wife to someone… Her heart squeezed. Tara would be a good wife for Jed. They’d have beautiful children. Washington Territory was sounding better and better. She’d bet she could find a guide at the next fort. Jed said she had money in a bank somewhere. She’d be able to make a life out there. It was probably for the best if she was alone.

  She had no claim on Jed. He was just a friend, and friends did what was best for one another. She’d have to find out what fort they were stopping at next. It was time to let go.

  Chapter Six

  The last few weeks had been tense and frustrating for Lily. They were almost to the Continental Divide, and they had been escorted by several Indians. She wasn’t sure what tribe they were from, but they mainly wanted to trade. The groups seemed to go from train to train but since all Indians looked alike to the Wasichu, the white people, everyone on the train thought the same group was following them the whole time.

  Many were vocal about Lily having to leave. She drove the wagon during the day and stayed in it more than she wanted when they stopped. Jed still slept under her wagon at night. Fort Bridger was the next fort, and there had been a call to leave her there. Of course Jed told them no, but she was thinking it might be for the best.

  He had a great reputation as a guide, and she couldn’t take that from him. She’d be safe at the fort until she decided on a plan. Maybe she could hire someone to take her to the Pacific Northwest. It sounded idyllic to her. She’d build a shelter and there would be no problem surviving. She knew all there was to know about hunting and preserving meat. She knew how to make furs to keep her warm and how to keep herself healthy.

  She’d need some supplies to start including a rifle. Hopefully she could get all that at the fort. She heard Jed announce they were going across the divide and had reached the South pass. Three more miles and they would be at the Pacific Springs. They’d spend a few days there.

  Many shouted yahoo but she wasn’t exactly certain why. They hadn’t made it to a fort yet and they certainly hadn’t made it to Oregon. Taking a few days to rest wasn’t what she wanted. She’d made her decision to leave and she didn’t want to dwell on it. Every glance, every touch ignited her. How was she going to be able to say goodbye to Jed? The thought of being so apart from him again broke her heart but it was the right thing to do.

  They’d been slowly ascending all these weeks and she expected to be going back down the mountain but to her surprise, there was rolling prairie all around. It didn’t take long until they stopped. The women would all bathe she supposed. A shudder went through her. Her experience of being taken while bathing in the river still paralyzed her.

  She kept herself cleaner than anyone just so they couldn’t call her a dirty Indian. She made sure she had the best manners, and she tried to smile at people. But no matter, people still wanted her gone. Garber and Wanda still put their noses in the air as they walked by, still hand in hand. Then there was Tara who tried everything to be alone with Jed. It was amusing to watch Jed get out of situations.

  Ricky Richards didn’t care how much trouble he got in with his father. He refused to stop guarding her. Of course, he thought she didn’t know. Quite the cast of characters. Jill Callen smiled at her but her reverend brother often glared at her. They didn’t bother her. The most interesting family was the Landsters. Edward, Joanne, and Izzy all try to cover their British accents. It was almost comical to see their expressions when one of them forgot. Lily figured they were running from something.

  The wagons slowed and began to circle. She sighed. Should she hide in the wagon again or go and help Smitty? It was tempting to hide, but she’d stayed inside long enough.

  “Everything all right?” Rex asked as he stopped his horse near her.

  “Sure. How much longer until we get to Oregon?”

  “We just passed the halfway mark. We’re making good time.” Rex touched the brim of his hat before he rode on.

  Halfway? Oh dear, how was she to survive? That clinched it. She was going to find a guide to take her to Washington Territory. How far away was it? She frowned as she walked to Smitty’s wagon.

  “Hey, Smitty how far is it to Washington?” She automatically began to make biscuits.

  “Farther than Oregon. I’ve never been there so I don’t rightly know, but I would think it would be at least another month of travel. There aren’t many great trails for wagons. There are a lot of prospectors who go that way.”

  “Prospectors?”

  Smitty nodded. “Gold miners. But who’s to say there’s even gold up there? It’s an untamed land.” He cut up some fresh venison. “Wait, you’re not planning to go there are you?”

  She nodded.

  “Last I heard you were coming back to the ranch with us. What happened?”

  She glanced away. She couldn’t look at him. “I just think it would be best.”

  He groaned. “It’s your business but you need to tell Jed. You can’t spring it on him after the journey. It wouldn’t be right.”

  “Tell me what?”

  Her head turned when she heard Jed. “Oh, nothing really. I’m going to go and live up in the northwest. I think I would be more suited to life there.”

  He stared at her as though he’d never seen her before. “I know you asked me once what it was like there but I had no idea you planned to live up there.” His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down. “I have guard duty. I’ll be late.” He strode off.

  “Well, you gone and done it,” Smitty said. “You broke that man’s heart.” He shook his head.

  “He doesn’t think of me that way.” She bit her bottom lip. Was she so wrong?

  “I don’t know how you missed it but that young man is all tangled up in you. You didn’t know that?”

  She wiped her floured hands on her apron and sat down. “He never said, I mean I don’t see him all that much lately. I figured he’d be just as happy if I left.”

  Smitty sat down next to her. “Look and listen with your heart. I think it’s a skill you’ve forgotten. Jed is known for wearing his heart on his sleeve. You’re the woman he wants.”

  She furrowed her brow. Could it be true? “He’s been very kind to me.”

  Smitty nodded. “Like I said, look and listen with your heart, and I think you’ll see clearly how he feels.”

  They cooked together in comfortable silence. As much as she wanted to believe, she just couldn’t. Maybe her heart wasn’t working that way anymore. Perhaps her time with the Sioux stopped her from completely trusting in anyone. But she would take Smitty’s advice.

  Jed seethed as he guarded the women bathing. Of course he had his back to them but the more he listened to them the uglier he found them to be, and it wasn’t something he wanted to know. What was wrong with these women? Didn’t they know he was there? If he heard the words “dirty Indian” again he was going to snap.

  They claimed to be good God-fearing folks, but they could do with some lessons in Christian charity. And now Lily didn’t want to come home with him. The women on the ranch would welcome her with open arms, but maybe he hadn’t explained it so well for her.

  Did she really want to live alone? Maybe she just didn’t want to be around him. His heart squeezed thinking about letting her go her own way. She was very independent, and she didn’t need a man around. Did she ever think about marriage and children?

  His jaw dropped. Where had those thoughts come from? He didn’t have plans for a wife and kids. No, he was footloose and fancy free. There was no ball and chain shackled to his leg. He’d never be henpecked.

  “You’re not peeking are you?” Tara asked. A lot of laughter erupted.

  He waited for it to die down. “No, not my style. I’m sure you ladies are about done? I’ve been standing here a good while.”

  There was a bit of grumbling, but he heard the sound of them getting out of the water and the swish of cloth told him they were getting dressed. He counted heads as the
y went by, and one was missing.

  “Hurry up!”

  “Why don’t you come and help me?” Tara asked coyly.

  “Can’t. Just get dressed.”

  “Why not? No one would know.”

  Jed shook his head. “I would know. I don’t lower my morals or standards just because no one would know. I would know. Now get dressed!”

  “Well, that’s good to know. For a time I thought that maybe you and Lily had something going on, but you wouldn’t lower yourself that low.” She bounced on her way to the camp with a happy smile on her face.

  Jed pushed off from the tree he leaned against, and his stomach dropped when he saw the hurt on Lily’s face. “I’ll stand guard if you—”

  “No I came to fill my buckets and get them heated. If Tara wants to be your woman, why don’t you want her?”

  Some of the tension went out of his body. “I don’t happen to like her very much. She can be mean spirited.”

  Lily filled one bucket and then another. She stood and gazed at him as though he was a puzzle she was trying to figure out. “She’s very pretty, and the other travelers all like her.”

  “I don’t give a fig what others think. I’ve seen a lot in the years I’ve been guiding wagon trains. I don’t know, I thought most people had good hearts but it’s simply not true. Everyone has their own agenda and not everyone is willing to help those in need. I’ve made plenty of friends though, too, lifelong friends. Of course, I have my brothers and Smitty. All I know is that I will not live my life with a person I don’t care for.” He took the buckets from her. “Let’s get the water heated for you. I’ll put up a makeshift privacy curtain for you.”

  She rewarded him with a smile. “You’re too good to me. You must realize being my friend isn’t earning you any points with the rest of the people.”

  He smiled back. “Like I said, I don’t give a fig.” He built up her fire and put the buckets close to warm. Next, he grabbed a washtub, a rope, and a blanket and created some privacy for her.