A Love Worth Searching For

by Kathleen Ball

  Standing outside the blanket guarding Lily was turning into agony for Jed. The pictures of what Lily looked like bathing wouldn’t go away. He tried counting, he tried to remember jokes he’d heard, he tried thinking of her as a sister. Dang, he kept thinking about how soft her skin was and how nice it would be to touch it.

  He shifted from one foot to the other and inwardly groaned. “Almost done?” He heard the sound of the water splashing as she got out. He was relieved, but his mind wouldn’t stop. He was like a lovesick schoolboy, and that didn’t make him happy.

  “I’m finished getting dressed.” She came out from behind the blanket in her nightdress and a shawl wrapped around her. “Thank you so much—”

  Jed cupped her face with his palms and kissed her soundly. Then he jumped back. He was stepping into fire, and he had to get out of there. “I’ll empty the water. Good night.” He could feel her gaze on him as he turned away. He needed to get ahold of himself.

  Days of rest were good for the oxen, but they weren’t as good for Lily. Being idle was driving her crazy. She’d done all her chores within the first hours of their first full day at Pacific Springs. She even offered to repair any torn clothing Smitty and the men had, but apparently Rex had been spending time with a widow who was magical with a needle.

  The whole day she felt both Garber and Wanda’s heated gaze upon her. Why their hate was so great, she had no idea. She wanted to be the girl she was for just a bit of time. The girl who didn’t know of the cruelties of people. Back when all she wanted was for Jed to smile at her. She sighed. Those days were well over.

  She watched as Tara threw herself in Jed’s path at every turn. Most of the time he looked annoyed and Lily wanted to bubble up with laughter but she just watched with her features expressionless.

  Winston Richards passed by her fire a few times before he stopped. Lily didn’t stand, just remained seated on her crate. The polite thing to do would be to offer coffee, but she wasn’t feeling polite.

  He tipped his hat to her. He appeared so much bigger and wider since she was sitting. “I would like to talk to you about something.”

  She raised her brow. “Talk or tell?”

  A frown took over his beefy face. “What do you mean?”

  “What I mean is, are you here to talk to me about your son or to tell me to stay away from him? But since there is no reason to tell, let me do the talking. I have no interest in your son. I already know how you feel about me, and I would not go against a boy’s father. You see that’s what he is; he’s still a boy. I hope it’s nothing more than curiosity, and I certainly have not encouraged him in any way.”

  Winston swallowed hard. “I appreciate it ma’am. He is just a boy who doesn’t know his own mind. Good day.” He tapped the brim of his hat before he left.

  That boy should not have so much time with nothing to do. He needed to learn skills to survive, but she wasn’t his parent.

  Would she feel lonely if she went to Washington? Was being by yourself better than feeling alone with people around? She pondered for a while and decided that being totally alone was preferable. What was Jed’s ranch like? Smitty seemed to think it a wonderful place. She was so lost in thought, she didn’t hear anyone behind her until she felt the knife go into her back.

  She yelped and tried to reach to get it out. Stretching her right arm over her shoulder, she couldn’t even touch the hilt. When she lifted her left arm, searing pain tore through her. Moaning, she twisted and turned, but the knife remained out of her reach. Blood poured down her back and dripped onto the ground at her feet. She was focused on removing it she didn’t see who did it. Blast it! She heard a scream and saw Jill staring at her and pointing. Lily started to sway and would have ended up in the fire face down if Jed hadn’t caught her.

  He pulled out the knife and let it drop to the ground. She wanted to tell him to grab it so they could see who it belonged to but she seemed to be beyond speech.

  “Put her in my wagon,” Smitty instructed.

  Jed carried her, and Smitty climbed in before them so they could position her on her stomach. She heard the tearing of her dress and bemoaned the loss of it. Who? Who was it? She cried out. Smitty was cleaning her wound with something she wished was never known to man.

  “It’s deep, and I’ll need to stitch you up. It’s going to hurt but you were lucky. If they were aiming for your heart, they missed,” Smitty said as he pulled a needle and thread out of his medicine box.

  “Jed?” She hoped he could hear her. Her throat felt odd.

  “I’m here, honey.”

  “Find the knife. Find the knife,” she croaked out.

  She was thankful Smitty put a piece of wood between her teeth before he began stitching. That way her screams wouldn’t be heard throughout the camp. It was far better than being cauterized, but it still hurt beyond bearing. How stupid could she be? She knew better than to allow anyone to sneak up on her. She’d let her guard down, and that was unacceptable. Death could have been her fate.

  It was stupid for the assassin to miss her heart. It couldn’t have been a seasoned hunter. She’d been sitting still. It made no sense. There was a camp full of suspects, but she couldn’t reason out who it could have been, and she doubted she’d be allowed to examine the footprints.

  “All done. Now that wasn’t so bad was it?” She heard the humor in Smitty’s words but she didn’t smile.

  She took out the piece of wood and sighed in relief. The worst part was over. The wagon rocked as Smitty got out, and then it rocked again as Jed climbed in.

  “The knife was gone. I’m sorry. I should have been there.” She could hear the defeat underlying his anger. “I should have at least assigned someone to watch you.”

  It was hard to look at Jed while lying on her stomach. “Don’t blame yourself. I can usually defend myself, but I wasn’t paying attention. I can’t figure out who did it. Did you look for footprints? Were they big or small?”

  “Honey, the whole place had been trampled by the time I got back there. I did ask, but no one knew about the knife.”

  She’d have to find out on her own but if it was the last thing she ever did, she’d ferret out the stabber.

  “We could stay a few more days here if you’d like—”

  Alarm ran through her. “No! I mean I don’t need extra time. I can probably drive the wagon tomorrow.”

  Jed laughed. “No driving but we’ll continue on. I won’t feel at ease until I have you settled on my ranch.” He kissed her cheek. “I’ll be sleeping under you tonight. Funny to think we’ll be facing each other but with a floor between us.”

  “Real funny. Jed? Thank you for everything.”

  “Anytime, honey.”

  Chapter Seven

  Two days later, they were almost to Fort Bridger and Lily was on pins and needles wondering if she should leave the wagon train. It would probably be doing everyone a favor if she left. She sat on the wagon bench while Rex drove. Everywhere she looked there were Indians trying to sell items they’d made. Rex told her that many were trappers’ wives.

  Pondering what the other travelers probably thought, she cringed. She wondered what it was like for these women to be wives of white men. They probably felt out of place as much as she did. She was sorry for them. Had they been sold to the trappers? She didn’t have to use her imagination about the looks of disdain they were getting from her group. She’d seen all the glares before.

  “How many soldiers will be at the fort, do you think?” she asked Rex.

  He cocked his brow at her. “There’s no soldiers there, just some supplies.”

  She frowned. “I thought a fort was a place where soldiers were garrisoned. How can it be a fort then?”

  “Mr. Briggs owns it and he named it Fort Briggs, I suppose. I think we have plenty of supplies, but there are some in our group that aren’t as blessed. There isn’t a big selection, and the prices are high.”

  Nodding, she turned and looked at the scenery. She didn�
��t have a decision to make, not yet anyway. She wouldn’t be safe in such a place without soldiers. Out of sorts was how’d she describe it. Jed expected her to live on his ranch. The group wanted her gone. One wanted her dead. Smitty was under the wrong impression that Jed cared for her. It was hard to make sense of it all.

  Would she have been able to leave if Fort Briggs was a real fort? She wasn’t sure. She longed for Jed at times but she reeled her feelings back every time. He was too good for her. He might not think that but he’d regret any relationship they had. His friends in Oregon wouldn’t approve. Heaven help her but she wouldn’t be able to resist him if he kissed her again.

  Her cheeks burned as they traveled on. Her mother and her counsel was deeply missed. She was so deep in thought she didn’t notice they had stopped.

  “Don’t you dare try to climb down yourself!” Jed yelled as he made a beeline for her.

  She swallowed hard. Her decision had just been made for her. She loved him and she’d have to leave him. She cherished the moment she was held in his arms as he lifted her down. He smiled at her and she smiled back but her heart broke for what could have been. “Thank you.”

  “Always a pleasure. Would you like me to escort you to the store?” He looked so happy and she didn’t want to break the spell.

  “That would be lovely. Thank you.” She put her arm through his and was warmed when he covered her hand with his. He smelled of leather and horses with a hint of cinnamon. He liked a bit of cinnamon in his coffee when he could get it. She’d never known anyone else to add it. As they walked, she was once again impressed how well he’d filled out. He was a tall, well-muscled man now. When she’d thought of him during her captivity, she always pictured him as the boy she had left. She’d allow herself a few nice hours with Jed and then she’d have to turn her heart off, if she could.

  “We’re in for a storm tonight,” Jed said.

  She glanced up. “There isn’t a cloud in the sky.”

  He chuckled. “I’ll bet you a kiss we get a storm tonight.” His eyes had a mischievous sparkle.

  She looked in all directions and smiled. “You’re on. It’s too bad but you won’t be getting any kisses.”

  He gave her hand a light squeeze. “We’ll see.”

  Three hours later, Jed stuck his head into Lily’s wagon. “Shall I collect now or do you want to wait until tomorrow evening. It’s going to rain all day tomorrow.” He laughed when her jaw dropped.

  “I’ll pay up later, thank you very much. I don’t think you play fair, Jed Todd. I seem to remember you predicting weather on the first wagon train I was on.”

  “Then you should have known better.” He winked at her and then went back into the pouring rain. He had a bad feeling someone was going to try to hurt her again tonight. She was right, he always knew when the bad weather was coming and for how long it would last. Uncanny really, just something that happened. He had to admit he’d won many bets with his predictions.

  Gunshots tore through the silence but they didn’t come from anyplace near Lily’s wagon. They were on the other side of the circle. The rain was coming down so hard he could hardly see in front of him. He did make out someone in a black duster with a rifle running away from the Landster wagon. Jed hurried as fast as he could and was shocked when he looked inside the wagon.

  They all looked to be dead. One on top of another with the little girl Izzy on the bottom. There was so much blood, his stomach turned. A thin cry reached his ears, and he realized Izzy was still alive. He moved aside the bodies of her father and mother, and when he reached Izzy, her dress and hair were covered in blood.

  Grabbing her, he lifted her out and handed her off to Owen. “Take her to Lily.” After Owen was swallowed by the darkness, Jed yelled for the rest of the men. “Be on the lookout for a man in a black coat and carrying a rifle. I need a few of you to guard this wagon.”

  If it was a robbery gone bad, he sure as heck wanted to know what was in that wagon.

  He kicked at the mud with enough force for it to splatter Smitty in the face. “Dang it! I’m sorry Smitty. Izzy is in Lily’s wagon. Would you—”

  Smitty already had his medicine box in his hands. “On my way!”

  “Rex, come with me. We’re going to Briggs’ place to see if anyone there knows anything about this.” He could hardly see Rex, but the other man fell into step beside him.

  They went through the door with guns drawn, but the only ones in there were Briggs and his two workers. They were all dry.

  After Jed explained what had happened to the Landsters, Briggs promised to let him know if he saw the man. Jed nodded and he and Rex braved the storm again.

  Seeing no sign of the killer, they headed back to the Landster’s wagon. It didn’t make a lick of sense. Once the bodies were removed, Jed planned to come back and go through everything to look for clues.

  “Be careful out here, Rex. I’m going to check on Izzy.” Jed didn’t wait for an answer. He just hustled off toward lily’s wagon. A crowd had gathered. Most were holding on to their hats against the strong wind. Jed elbowed his way to the front and climbed into the wagon.

  Izzy was lying peacefully in Lily’s lap.

  “Was she hit?”

  Smitty shook his head. “She was spared all that. She’s a bit out of her head. All she saw was the rifle as it poked through the back of the wagon. She did hear him check her parents afterward, and she closed her eyes pretending to be dead. The shooter didn’t say anything, just grunted. I gave her something to sleep.”

  “That’s for the best. Lily, is it hurting you to hold her that way?” Jed searched her expression for signs of discomfort.

  “I’m fine.”

  She didn’t look fine. “I’m going to put on some dry clothes so if you’d kindly close your eyes or look away. I’d appreciate it.” He grinned at her but she just nodded and looked away.

  It didn’t take long, and soon he was sitting next to Lily. He gently took Izzy and placed her on his lap. “You need to rest too, Lily.” He was rewarded with a grateful smile.

  “Heck, I thought I’d be a target tonight. I was ready.” She showed him a belt with a knife sheath she’d made from her deerskin dress. It was impressive.

  “You planning to wear that around the camp?”

  She nodded. “I want everyone to know I can defend myself if needed.”

  He nodded slowly. “What if it makes people more anxious about you?”

  “I’m not going to let people scare me or put me in a corner full of unwanted people. I really don’t care if they like it or not. I need to be able to pull this knife as fast as lightning. I can’t do that if I put the belt under my dress.” Her eyes flashed with determination.

  “I saw you that morning of the attack. You jumped out of the wagon and landed skillfully on your feet, crouching and looking for the enemy. It was very impressive. You learned a lot in the two years you were gone.”

  She sighed. “I wasn’t gone. I was a prisoner. I have scars on my body from learning how to defend myself. Chayton was kind enough to trust me with a weapon. He did teach me. I think he was afraid for me as another woman wanted him for her husband. He never did understand I didn’t want to marry.”

  “He didn’t—”

  “No! If he’d asked and I refused then maybe he would have. I saw it happen to other white women. The only intimacy we ever had was him combing my hair after I washed it and before he stained it with herbs. He liked the blondness. His mother was a force of her own and wouldn’t have allowed him to touch me. She hated me at first. She’d hit me with a stick every few minutes it seemed. I had no idea what she was saying but she didn’t care. I became quick at dodging her, and I think I won her respect. I worked hard.”

  Her eyes grew wet.

  “You don’t have to tell me.” He tried to make his voice as soft as he could.

  She shook her head and took a deep breath.

  “Another captive always shrieked and cried. One night I heard the most a
wful screams and whimpers. She was gone the next day. I don’t know what they did to her. I don’t want to know.” A shudder rolled through her. “I worked all the harder and I learned their language. I think I told you that Chayton taught me. It wasn’t easy. There were times when we had no food, and the winters were horrendous, but I survived.”

  Jed nodded. “I’m glad you did. I kept hoping to hear word of you. I made friends with many trappers and traders. No one had seen you. People told me I was a fool to keep looking but I couldn’t help it.” He smiled. “And here you are.”

  “What’s going to happen to Izzy? She has no parents now.” Lily looked as though she wanted to weep for the poor girl.

  “We have someone at the ranch who takes in orphans. She’s a sweet woman with a big heart. In fact, Smitty is sweet on her. But if another family steps up and wants to take her that would be nice too.”

  “Any family?”

  “Of course not. There are people out there looking for free labor, so I’d have to look at it from all angles. For now, would you mind watching over her? We still have no idea why her parents were targeted.”

  Lily frowned and tilted her head. “You don’t think the Landsters were the reason we were attacked by that other wagon train do you?”

  He stared at her for a moment then nodded. “You may be onto something. I’ve had a feeling something was off with them. They kept changing accents. I’m going to go through their wagon in the morning. “I’ll help get Izzy settled into bed and leave you two.”

  “Where will you sleep?”

  Her question warmed him. “Somewhere that I can still keep an eye on you. Don’t worry we’ll have guards posted.” He lay Izzy down on a bed of blankets and turned to leave. He felt a tug on his sleeve and turned toward Lily.

  She reached out and pulled his head down so she could kiss him. A jolt went through him as her lips covered his. Desire replaced his surprise, and he deepened the kiss. When they drew apart, he was breathless and he couldn’t take his eyes off her. She seemed pleased with herself.