Find Me Series (Book 4): Where Hope is Lost

by Dawson, Trish Marie

  “We want to leave,” Riley said simply. “If you try to stop us, we’ll take at least half of you down.”

  Dinnley eyed her carefully, then his eyes darted between Steele and Fern. “You should be in bed, resting,” he chastised her.

  “We want to leave,” Riley repeated, taking a step toward him. Dinnley reacted by stepping away from her, bumping into Ryder. He had shown his weakness to the entire group with that subtle, fearful step.

  “Oh, for Christ’s sake,” Steele blurted, throwing his hands up and causing Drake to flinch. Kris watched him carefully, afraid that he would be the first to go down if a gun went off. All three were aimed at Drake’s chest. “This is beyond ridiculous now,” he spat, aiming his disdain toward the leaders. “Let them go. They don’t want to be here anymore than you want them to stay. And the poor girl, she’s of no use to you now. Let them leave. None of us need their blood on our hands.”

  Fern scowled but kept her mouth shut as Dinnley fidgeted with his radio. “Let them go…just like that…” he grumbled.

  “No,” Riley said, taking another step forward. Dinnley took another back, and Kris wondered if his hands were as sweaty as his forehead. “Let us go to Lou,” Riley added. “So he can take us as far away from here as possible. It works for both sides. You won’t see us at the Ark ever again.”

  Dinnley opened his mouth to object, but Fern interrupted him. She still stood in the same position, with one hand on the wall, that curl of hair obstructing part of her vision, and the faint odor of pot drifting off her clothing. With a smile, she tucked her radio into a pocket on her skirt and avoided Riley’s gaze as she talked.

  “Fine. Let Lou take you away to your paradise. But you’ll be watched. Let’s not pretend that trust comes cheap.”

  Riley stayed in the hall, waiting for Dinnley to agree. After he did, she pointed to the guards. “Take them upstairs with you, after you call off the others. I want to hear you do it. Tell them we aren’t a threat. That we are free to go.”

  He glared at her, but brought the radio to his face and did as she asked. After he held open the doors for the elevator, the guards reluctantly stepped inside, but Drake stopped the one who had his rifle.

  “I’ll take that back, Filly,” he quipped, yanking it free from the guard’s hands.

  “Lou will be expecting you shortly,” Dinnley said. “But you’re at the mercy of the weather.”

  Connor tucked and then untucked his undershirt, suddenly frustrated with how it fit his body. “Don’t worry about the weather,” he said. “It owes us one.”

  Steele, who had his hands firmly jammed into the pockets of his long white coat, gave each of them a nod and quietly excused himself into one of the exam rooms, where he shut the door.

  Fern’s smile finally fell away, stripping with it her pleasant façade. The frown that replaced it fit so well into each wrinkle that Kris wondered how hard it was for the woman to hold the smile for as long as she had without a struggle, because clearly, it didn’t come naturally.

  “You’re still missing people,” she snapped. “When you find them, an escort will accompany you to the hangar. Oh, and Riley,” she added, letting her hand fall from the wall. “It’s a man’s world more now than it ever was. You’re a tough one, I’ll give you that, but if you don’t start playing well with those in charge, you will lose.”

  “I don’t play well with those who don’t play fair,” Riley answered.

  Fern laughed at Riley and Kris flinched from the sound. It was sweet like candy, but laced sour with poison. “Life has never been fair, Riley. You’re a fool if you think you can walk away from here and simply stumble into a brighter future.”

  “If it’s a future I make on my own terms, it’s already brighter than this place.”

  Fern nodded at the others and then turned to go back up the stairs. “I guess we’ll just wait and see how that works out for you all.”

  When she was gone, Kris let out a long breath and slumped against the wall. As Riley did the same, the men waited awkwardly in the hall, unsure of what to say, or what to do first. When her legs were done shaking, she closed the front of her jacket and cleared her throat.

  “Let’s get the hell out of here.”

  Chapter Thirty

  RILEY

  Steele had done decent work, whatever it was he did to fix the hole in my stomach. During his first post-surgery visit, he’d said the muscle needed to heal, and that moving would be painful. If Ashlyn had known how to use her gutting knife, the damage done could have been fatal, for sure. I had gotten lucky. Luck, there was that four-letter word again. Fate had proven that with every favorable thing to happen, something ugly lurked nearby. The Ark was our ugly thing. And the sooner we left the place, the sooner I could beg fate to be kinder. It was time for luck to sit in my corner for a while.

  When we went outside as a group and stood in the sunlight of early afternoon, watching the trees for Cole and Jin, it didn’t seem unreasonable that perhaps our luck would change. It already had, I told myself. When no one from the group returned to my room, I knew something was wrong. Once I opened my door, and heard the voices down the hall, it wasn’t my fight or flight response that was triggered, it was anger. Too many things had gone wrong. We had been put through too much to lose anything or anyone else. I’d had enough. Somewhere in the back of my mind, where hope was lost like a life raft floating without an oar in the middle of the sea, a light glimmered. With this beacon came a tiny voice that I thought had abandoned me months before. It whispered delicately, ‘Don’t give up.’

  My life, as strange and bloody as it had become, was still mine to live. While we waited in the drying mud, back-to-back so as not to be caught off guard, I told myself I couldn’t give up. Not quite yet. With my right hand, I took hold of Connor, and with my left, held onto Drake. I clasped my fingers tightly around theirs, keeping each close to my side. As Cole and Jin came into view, with Lily safely in Cole’s arms, I watched Jacks and Kris jog out to meet them. When Jacks gathered the baby into his arms, I realized that if we were all together, maybe we were lucky. Maybe we had been, all along.

  Don’t give up. Ours was a wicked future that held more doubt than certainty. When we climbed into one of the Ark vans, with Ryder behind the wheel and one of the guards in the front passenger seat, it was clear to me that our future would likely bring more hurt, more blood, more loss, more death. But before the end came to claim us, we could live a little, and maybe love a lot.

  Lou met us on the road that circled around the front of his property. With a wave, he watched us file out of the van, and helped us set our packs in a pile on the flat porch in front of the hangar office. With a limp, I struggled across the uneven ground to the porch railing, and leaned against it, my eyes trained on the second van coming up the road. We weren’t traveling alone, Ryder told me on the drive. But when I asked who was accompanying us, he shut up like a clam.

  The breeze teased at my hair as Keel’s smug face came into view from the passenger seat of the approaching van. Behind him sat one of the nurses who I had briefly seen dart in and out of my room after surgery, but I couldn’t remember her name. And in her arms, an infant. She held onto the swaddled baby protectively when she climbed out of the vehicle, and said little to our group.

  From my perch against the weathered railing, I watched Keel bid goodbye to the guards, who left after speaking with Lou. When he slung a full pack over his shoulder and caught me staring at him, he gave me a wink and headed toward the building. He tossed his bag on top of the others and propped himself on the railing beside me.

  “Funny how things turn out, isn’t it?” he asked, staring up at the sky. Puffs of clouds dotted the horizon, their origin hidden by the mountain range.

  “You’re coming with us,” I said, not asking.

  “I heard it’s a big island,” he joked. “You won’t have to see me if you don’t want to.”

  “I didn’t say that,” I said with a sigh.

&nbs
p; Under the spotty shade of an old limber pine, Cole and Kris sat across from each other at a nearby picnic table, trying to carry on a conversation that wasn’t full of awkward pauses. My eyes wandered between the two of them, and Keel nudged my arm.

  “Are you leaving the kid here?”

  “Cole?” I rubbed at my aching temple. “I think she wants him to come…plus, he’s family now.”

  With a nod, Keel watched the pair. “They’ll recover,” he predicted. “They just need some time.”

  With a shake of my head, I stared back up at the sky. “Time doesn’t fix everything.”

  He laughed. “It won’t fix what’s happening there.”

  I followed his gaze to the side of the building where Connor and Drake stood dutifully listening to Lou’s plans. The two took turns glancing my way. Keel was right; time wouldn’t fix the storm between them.

  “Things have changed,” I said under my breath.

  Another laugh from beside me. “Riley, you have two guys in love with you. Men have killed for less.”

  “We’ll figure it out,” I said, irritated.

  “Yeah, either way, someone’s getting hurt. Are you ready for that? Are you ready to choose?”

  After shifting around to face him, and wincing from the pain in my stomach, I tried not to glare at Keel. “Maybe I won’t have to. Maybe…things have changed.”

  He blinked at me, then laughed again. “They aren’t the sharing type, and you know it.”

  I did know it. When Jin came out of the building a minute later, he chastised me for standing and insisted I go indoors where there was comfortable seating. Except getting up and down hurt worse than being on my feet.

  “Lou said we could be in the air in a little over an hour,” Drake announced from a few feet away. As he approached, he shoved his hands into his jeans and leaned into the railing with his hip. “He fueled the plane earlier this morning after he left the Ark. He just needs to do some pre-flight stuff. Don’t ask me what, I’ve already forgotten.” With a wink, he smiled down at me, and I smiled back.

  “An hour? Already?” Other than the raw beauty of the Arizona mountains, I would miss nothing of the place. Not the cold, not the people, and not the memories.

  “We’ll be on that island of yours by nightfall,” Drake said. “I hope you’re ready.”

  But ready for what, I thought. I watched Connor’s hands move as he talked to Lou, wondering what it was they were discussing with such detail, and swayed, bumping into Drake’s chest.

  “You should rest,” he said. “Take a nap.”

  “I’m not tired.”

  “Your body needs to rest,” Jin complained from the porch. “Drake’s right.”

  After rolling my eyes, I let them lead me inside to a couch that was almost as hard as the floor. The moment my head settled onto one of the flat cushions, a heaviness settled over my body and quickly stole me away from the sounds and sights of the day. I didn’t open my eyes again until Connor gently shook me awake.

  “It’s time,” he whispered.

  CONNOR

  While Riley slept, he helped the others load the plane. He held Lily while Jacks prepared a bottle for the flight, and even changed her diaper when what was left of her last feeding exploded out the back of her pants. Though Jacks insisted he take over, Connor assured him he could handle it. He’d never really bonded with the child, even though she clearly recognized him, and there was no excuse for that, he thought. In the new world, Lily was going to need people in her corner. She deserved that much, at least.

  As he wiped her sensitive skin clean, and breathed in the lavender scent of her cleansing cloths, he thought of his son, and how many diapers he had changed during the boy’s first few months. Connor had always imagined himself as a good father, but the truth was that he’d been absent during half of Roan’s short life. As Jacks bustled about, preparing bottles and digging through the baby’s bag for a clean change of clothes, not complaining once about his duties, Connor was struck by the irony of the man’s dedication. Had he become a father before the plague, would work have kept him away for hours, days or even weeks on end, as it had Connor? The hell that their lives had become had also given Jacks a gift. He was there, by Lily’s side, and would be the next day, and the day after that. Connor had lost that gift.

  When the baby was dressed again, he sat her up and held onto her chubby sides, allowing her to claw at his face as drool spilled over the edges of her rosy lips. She fancied his whiskers, and the tip of his nose. She also tried repeatedly to stick a finger in one of his eyes. She was curious, as all babies were, but also fearless. Inside her was a deep wisdom, a pure joy for life. And she’d barely been on the planet for half a year.

  “You’ll have your hands full with this one,” he said over her head as Jacks packed a pre-made bottle into the side of her diaper bag.

  “Yeah, you aren’t the first to say that,” Jacks answered with a smile. He picked the baby up and blew raspberries against her stomach until Lily squealed.

  “You’re good with her,” Connor noted. “She’s lucky to have you.”

  With a quick glance his way, Jacks shrugged and said, “I’m the lucky one.”

  Connor nodded, and then the quiet woman and her baby came through the room. She didn’t speak to them, only acknowledged their presence with a curt nod. The baby had yet to make a sound, but he knew it was young, just a tiny bundle in her arms. She never once set it down or asked one of them to hold the child, so Connor had no idea if the baby was a boy or a girl. He supposed it didn’t matter. Life was moving on. The mother and her child were proof of that.

  Jin entered the room shortly after, nodding at them that it was time. Connor wanted nothing more than to wake Riley and hold her in his arms, so he went to her before anyone else could. He smiled down at her as she came out of her dreams. While her beautiful stormy blue eyes focused on his, he imagined her as a mom. It wasn’t hard to do. Riley had a ferocious devotion to those she cared about. He’d seen her softer side, too. As she woke, he helped her rise and prepare for the flight, all the while imagining what she’d been like before he found her and the dog on the dock.

  After they filed into the plane, one by one, he grabbed her arm and pulled her into a seat beside him, ignoring the angry stare from Drake, because Connor needed her in that moment more than the other man. He needed as much time with Riley as he could get before they reached Catalina, because when the plane landed, everything would change.

  RILEY

  Zoey spent the entire flight curled in a ball at my feet, sleeping through most of the trip, lifting her head only when a conversation got loud, or turbulence sent a shimmy through the seats. For the most part, the flight was smooth, with regular updates from Lou over the speaker system. The only person that didn’t talk was the nameless mother who sat at the back of the plane, with her baby resting on her lap.

  Connor held my hand for the first two hours, talking little at first, then asking question after question, as if attempting to imprint our conversation into his long-term memory. At first, we spoke of the weather, of how beautiful the day was, and how the land below us changed as we crossed the border between Arizona and California. When the scorched sections of land below became too painful to see, I closed the window screen and rested my head against Connor’s shoulder, listening to him talk about his home country, of the way the hills rolled into each other and how very green the days were. He spoke of London next, and its lively pulse and frequent rainfall as if the two together were part of a musical. He asked about my childhood, and how Zoey came into my life. He wanted to know if I’d ever wanted a third child, and if so, a boy or girl.

  When our minds became exhausted from the chatter, we listened to each other breathe, and the hushed discussions around us. Drake sat alone on the opposite side of the plane, a row in front of us, with his back turned to me the entire time. Kris and Jacks sat together, taking turns holding and playing with Lily, who fussed during takeoff, but then became
fascinated with the view outside her window and the clouds that we flew through. Cole sat opposite of Kris, and chatted often with Jin, who sat behind him. Though he was a man of little words, I realized I hadn’t talked to him much over the last few days. When our eyes met on the plane, I’d smile, and he would nod, both of us aware that conversation would come later. Then there was Keel in the front row, his head bowed from sleep during most of the flight, and like Drake and the mysterious mother, he didn’t talk to anyone.

  It felt as if we were racing the sun across the sky, in a hurry to see which of us would reach the horizon first. But it wasn’t a fixed point. Eventually, the sun would pass us, and keep going beyond the place where the sky touched the ocean, lighting up the other side of the world just in time for us to fall asleep. When Lou announced that we were less than an hour from our destination, Connor’s calm demeanor changed. He began to fidget and shift in his seat like a child who needed to use the restroom, but he wouldn’t tell me why.

  “What’s wrong?” I whispered, after he released my hand only to grab it back and knot our fingers together.

  “I want you to be happy,” he answered, staring into my eyes. The calming-blue of his gaze studied my expression and I raised an eyebrow at him.

  “I think we all want to be happy…one day it might happen.”

  “But, you have to be,” he said, turning in his seat to face me. After leaning forward, he spoke with his lips against mine. “If I could give you anything, it would be that.”

  His mouth moved slowly in sync with mine, feeling, tasting, remembering. After tucking my hair behind an ear, he felt along my face with the smooth curve of his fingertips, and I mirrored his movements, touching his jaw where the skin was tighter in places, and slightly raised in others from his burn. Missing the long curls of his dark hair, I ran a hand over the top of his head, and toward the back of his neck, pulling his mouth harder against mine. He was needy, thirsty for the attention, and I missed the magnetic pull we’d always shared. Had we not been surrounded by our friends, our clothes would have come off, and our hands would have explored the other’s most intimate parts. He didn’t have to say he’d forgiven me for what I’d done, and neither did I. We said it all in a kiss.