Rewind

by Mariam Alaa

  Adam, who is sitting right in front of me across the wooden table, finally speaks but what he says isn’t something anyone would ever be prepared to hear, to have time to process or to be easily missed.

  He inhales and exhales slowly, gives Lexi a nervous look before slowly averting his gaze to the floor. “About five years ago, you had an accident.” His eyes slowly rise up to mine worriedly as he gulps before he continues, “You lost your memories.”

  That was the last thing I heard before my life turned upside down.

  Chapter 10

  Echoes of my laughter vibrated in my eardrums. Once Adam blurted out how I lost my memories, I couldn’t help stop the burst of giggles knocking on my lips from inside, which were begging to be released, from coming out. While Lexi and Adam kept sending each other worried glances, I was locked up in a laughing hysteria that my chest was vibrating so hard, and tears were starting to make an appearance in my eyes.

  What nonsense is he saying? Does he think it’s funny that I’m currently at loss in my life that he felt the need to come up with some joke to make my life sound like some messed up drama movie?

  “I’m s-sorry.” I manage to say whilst clutching my stomach. “I-I can’t.”

  No one talked.

  The room was filled solely with my maniac-sounding laughter which was starting to wear down gradually once I noticed the serious looks on the faces of my best friend and the stranger whose wallet messed up my damn life.

  “Evie.” Lexi’s hand rests on mine and offers me a gentle squeeze as she looks at me both pleadingly and sorrowfully. “It’s the truth; just hear him out, please.”

  I remove my hand roughly from beneath hers and smack my hands down on the table roughly that a sudden pain cursed through it as I whisper yell, “Lexi, stop! What nonsense are you saying? Can you even hear yourself? You can’t believe this! Don’t you think I would remember whether or not I had an accident?”

  “That’s the thing, Evie,” she murmurs gently as she tries to hold back the tears that were beginning to form in her hazel eyes. “You lost your memories. How can you remember something that, for you, technically never happened?”

  My mind broods over her simple question that would’ve never crossed my mind if I wasn’t here now, and she’s right. How can someone who suffers memory loss due to a life-changing incident remember the incident that triggered it itself?

  Even though Lexi’s question did a double take in my mind, I no longer wanted to listen. Maybe it was because I haven’t thought about it before or because I didn’t want to believe what she’s saying, for what she’s technically stating is that my whole life’s been a lie. What I thought right now, though, is that I am fed up listening to everyone’s personal theory on what the hell happened to my life. I suddenly regret my decision to leave the wedding hall, end things with Adrien just to come here and listen to a bunch of more lies, and from who?

  Lexi.

  My best friend.

  “You know what Lexi? I’m sick of constantly hearing lies. Just a few minutes ago, you were promising me that you’ll tell me the whole truth if I give up my wedding with Adrien, and I did. I did the impossible: I went up straight to my fiancé’s face and told him I’m ending our relationship on our wedding day. Do you know why I did it, Lexi? I did it because I trust you, so if you don’t tell me the truth right this instant I’ll—”

  I’m interrupted by the stack of papers, which are suddenly smacked down on the table right in front of me. My eyes drift from Lexi to the hypnotizing grey eyes staring intensely into mine. “Evangeline.” He lets go of the stack of papers, which apparently weren’t papers but photos, shakes his head and averts his eyes to the photos pointedly. “We’re not lying.”

  My speech turns into dead silence, and my mouth opens in shock and disbelief when my eyes avert from Adam to the photos on the table. It felt like someone punched me in the gut without giving me a head start. Tears start forming in the corners of my eyes as I pull out the photo, the one on top of all the others, which featured an unconscious young woman, who looked exactly like me, on a hospital bed. Her swollen eyelids were a dark shade of bloody red as if they’ve been punched mercilessly, while her head was wrapped in multiple layers of white medical cloth.

  I slowly come back to my senses, wipe away the few tears that managed to slip, regain my composure and ask him, in a hesitant voice, the question that I suddenly fear yet feel I now hold the answer to. “Why are you showing me photos of Evelyn, Adam?”

  As tall as he is, Adam kneels down in front of me, surprises me by placing one of his hands on each of my shoulders, and looks me straight in the eyes with a soft genuine expression on his face. “Don’t you get it yet?”

  I shake my head slowly even though I may have gotten it, but I’m never going to be positive unless he confirms it.

  My heart stops, and it feels like someone just sucked the life out of me as the words finally hit my ears, and the truth is finally revealed. “Evangeline, you are Evelyn. Evelyn is you.”

  Currently, I was wrapped up in soft, pink blankets on the most comfortable bed I’ve ever laid on in Adam’s guestroom. After Lexi and Adam successfully explained everything- hopefully everything- to a silent, all ears open me, a massive headache quickly formed in my head. I wasn’t surprised though, for the truth, which I kept terribly seeking believing it’ll bring me out of the darkness that is my life, did nothing but push me further back.

  What I learnt from these last three hours was enough for today. Lexi explained that Adam and I were both in the accident together. Adam, whose face was covered in so much guilt, recapped how this one time he was driving me home in his old car with me in the passenger’s seat when two cars- one from behind and one from my left- crashed into his. With my seatbelt unfastened and from the impact of the sudden crash, my body went flying headfirst into the glass of the windshield. He explained slowly, giving me time to process, how the doctors said that technically, the kind of impact my head made with the glass should’ve been deadly. The doctors said that I should’ve been dead- that a beating heart from such an impact is good luck. They said I was lucky- that it was a miracle that I survived. Even though Adam was injured as well, he told me how his injuries weren’t as fatal as mine because he had his seatbelt on, thus he made a much quicker recovery.

  There were two things I didn’t understand quite yet. One: why would my parents hide this from me? Despite Lexi explaining that my parents not being a big fan of Adam and I’s friendship was the reason why they turned this page of my life and threw it away, I feel like there’s a missing side of the story- that this isn’t the real reason why they did it.

  Two: how come two cars hit Adam’s at the same instant and they’re calling it an accident? Something doesn’t really add up. When I questioned Lexi about it, she told me that they also had their doubts, so my parents hired detectives to look into it, but they couldn’t find anything since the two cars were unregistered; the drivers were no were to be found by the time someone reported the accident; and there were no fingerprints inside the car.

  Hearing Lexi explain all of this, spiked up a sudden fear in my heart. Why would someone try to intentionally hurt me?

  Worse: why would someone attempt to kill me? What did Evelyn possibly do to be hated to that extent?

  The one piece of the puzzle that was missing in order for most of all of this to make sense is who Adam was is to Evelyn me.

  Better yet, I still couldn’t process how my parents had the guts to do what they did. How could they hide such a secret from me? A secret that they had absolutely no right to keep hidden away from me. It’s my life! How could they do this to me? How could they make me believe my name was Evangeline when it was in fact Evelyn just after my recovery from the hospital? How did they create a new version of me and simply move on from the other? The one they knew for nineteen years? How could they? Did they take their time to grieve? Was it as hard for them to move on and let go of Evelyn as it was for Lexi and Adam
?

  Did they not like me as I was before the accident? Did they hate the way I was behaving back then? Was I not a good daughter? Was I a reckless child? What did Evelyn –me- possibly do to have them hate me so much that they created a new me? What awful things have I done to make them make me Evangeline?

  My dry eyes start moistening at the sudden dwell of emotions. A single tear rolls down my cheeks before the gate to tears was slammed open and suddenly, my face was swallowed by tears- many of them.

  Was I such a disgrace to my family?

  Even though my thoughts were mostly racked up on why my parents did what they did, some of them were thinking ‘who am I?’ If I don’t remember who I was, how do I know who I am? People always say the past is what makes us ‘us’? What kind of past did I have?

  Was I one of those kind, friendly people who would smile at strangers and lend bullied people a hand, or was I one of those mean bitches who thought so highly of herself and stepped all over people? Was I an obedient child, who’d listen to her parents’ advices and rules, or was I a mischievous one who’d sneak out of the house at night to go partying knowing they told me to stay home? Was I a successful nerd, or were my grades a failure -below the end of the ladder? Do I have friends I’ve forgotten about too? Was I a good sister to my brother? Were we close before the accident? Was I a good person?

  The one question I couldn’t stop thinking about no matter what, though, was ‘would I have been proud of who I was, or should I be grateful that I am who I am now?’

  I pick up the photos which Adam and Lexi showed me as proof that what they’re saying was the truth- that what they’re saying was real. Other than the photos of me lying down on the hospital bed with Trevor, mom, dad and Lexi by my side, there were some photos holding memories that belonged to Evelyn before the accident. Sliding through the pictures one after the other, I felt disappointed that no memories were triggered. I was hoping that getting the ability to see the memories I once made right in front of me would trigger something –anything- but it didn’t.

  On the bright side though, I’ve learnt a few things about Evelyn from the photos. One: she’s always smiling, and it was never forced. For her, it seemed like it didn’t matter where she was, with who she was or what she was doing because in each of these pictures- even the ones when she wasn’t aware of a camera being directed at her- is one hell of a smile. I have to admit, though, that about all of these smiles were when Adam was around.

  Two: she had a heart of gold, and so does Adam. Apparently Adam and Evelyn went to an orphanage in Liverpool because they- well, technically we- thought it would be nice to give the children there Christmas presents and hang around with them playing hide and seek, since we knew they’re most likely going to spend it by themselves, and what’s worse than celebrating Christmas alone?

  In this photo, though, I was sitting on a dark brown, plain rug with a story in my hand, while about fifteen children, with ages ranging from five to fourteen years, were all sitting around me in a circle. One of the heart-melting sights was how one of the orphanage girls, who was around the age of five with light brown waves called Daisy, sat with her head placed on my crisscrossed legs, while her legs were spread out on the floor; however, what truly made my heart melt was the way Adam was looking at a completely oblivious Evelyn with so much love that it made me believe how maybe they weren’t ‘just’ friends- that maybe we were something more.

  Three: Evelyn and Adam were extremely close, and if these pictures weren’t a good enough demonstration, then I don’t know what is. Some of these pictures were taken at the orphanage, which I then learned from Adam that we headed there a lot until it technically became my second home; some of them were taken at the beach where Lexi, Adam and I were playing beach volley; some of them were taken at high school, which for a moment made me think that maybe our families were close, but I wasn’t sure because my parents- of course- never even mentioned Adam to me let alone his parents.

  Something I noticed was that the only two times I came here, there was only one car in the driveway, and there were no signs of any parents in the house, so it occurred to me that Adam might be living alone.

  Where were his parents?

  Several knocks on the door break down my train of thoughts bringing me back to reality. “Can I come in?”

  I quickly attempt to wipe away the tears only to find them already dried and unwrap the blanket from my body, immediately missing the warmth it was providing, before sitting up hastily to cover my legs with the dress which is probably all ruined now.

  “Come on in.” My voice comes out all raspy that I cringe.

  His steps were slow and steady as he made his way through the door and into the room. As ashamed as I am to admit it, Adam was good-looking in a way that makes me think that I’ll never be able get used to how handsome he is. He was a good kind of fit, not too slim nor too muscular, and his skin was a light shade of a hot tan – the kind of one that you’d get from spending two days exposed to a fully bright sun. His oval-shaped face, thick black eyebrows, sharp tiny nose, raven-black waves were all too perfect, but none of them as hypnotizing as his dark grey doe eyes.

  “I got you something for the headache.” He hands me out a pill and a glass of water.

  “What is it?”

  “Panadol.”

  “Thank you.” I offer him a genuine smile- a one that reaches my eyes- as I take the pill from him and swallow it down my throat.

  “I’ll leave you to rest then.” He rubs the back of his head awkwardly and slowly started to make his way towards the door.

  “Wait!” He freezes in his spot at the sound of my voice.

  He turns around so that he’s facing me as I voice out my thoughts. “Can I ask you something?”

  “Sure,” comes his reply.

  “Who are you?” I gaze at him curiously.

  Who is he really? I don’t know why, but I need to know, probably so that my mind can finally be at ease knowing that I finally know everything now- even if it’s not everything ‘everything’.

  His eyes widen slightly as if he just saw something horrifying. “Adam...did you hit your head or something?”

  I roll my eyes at how stupid he’s making my question sound, and a light chuckle escapes from me. “I know your name; I mean really, though, who are you? Who were you to Evel— I mean me?”

  While I take a few sips of water, he looks like he’s contemplating over something, but he ends up rubbing his forehead before retrieving his hand back to his side. “Your fiancé.”

  Chapter 11

  Within three seconds, the water in my mouth, which I drank from the glass after taking the pill to tone down my thirst, was kicked out of it. Within three seconds and because of the shocking news I received, I spat out all the water droplets in my mouth on the floor. I didn’t even have time to feel mortified by my unladylike action, for my mind was swirling around trying to pick on what he just admitted. Getting to know that you have a fiancé you forgot about isn’t something you learn every day.

  “I’m sorry; what?!”

  Never would it have occurred to me that I’ve been engaged in my past life. I’ve been expecting answers along the lines of ‘friends’, ‘best friends’ or as much as I was dreading it ‘girlfriend’, but ‘fiancé’?

  How come?

  If what Adam’s saying is true, that we were truly engaged, then it means that we were engaged when I was extremely young, and I don’t know about Evelyn’s thoughts on early relationships, but I loathed the idea of getting engaged before finishing my college years. At least that was the reason why Adrien and I have waited so long.

  “Please tell me you’re joking! I was your fiancé?” I look at him trying to get any humor vibe; that he’s messing around with me- but no.

  With all seriousness, he slowly approaches me, gently holds out my hand, places a cool circular metallic object in it, and clenches my hand in a fist as if he saw it coming. “Yes.”

  As soon as h
e lets go of my hand, I unclench it, and there it was right on the center of my palm: the proof. My eyes set themselves on the circular, shimmering silver ring, which I’m now holding. Inspecting the ring, I place it in between my thumb and index fingers and raise it to my line of sight to find a name smoothly carved on it: ‘Evelyn’. Rotating the metal around, my eyebrows furrow in confusion at what I find imprinted from behind: ‘TLND’.

  “What does it mean?” My eyes find his as I hold it out to him.

  He takes it back, looking extremely uncomfortable, and I’m not blaming him- not at all. All I know is that I was the love of his love, and now I’m a stranger to him- as well as he is to me. As if the realization of the situation just dawned upon me, I suddenly felt extremely guilty. Over the past couple of days, I was led to believe that he was grieving Evelyn, when, in fact, he was grieving me.

  For how long, though?

  Did he not see anyone else after the accident?

  “It’s an abbreviation. Your idea actually.” He looks at the sky through the window and smiles a true genuine smile probably at the memory of the time I came up with the idea, while the guilt was eating me alive. In the end, it takes two for love to exist, and even though what happened to me wasn’t something I could’ve controlled, I blame myself for making him love Evelyn the way he so clearly does.

  “I’m sorry,” I blurt out.

  He looks at me probably not getting why I’m suddenly apologizing. “For what?”

  “For what you went through? For grieving Evelyn yet getting to see me out there alive? For living a completely different life, oblivious to the one I had with you?” I shrug my shoulders as I voice my thoughts out in regret.