Find Me

by Nell Grey

  Shaun: Hey! What’ve you been up to?

  Claire: I went for a swim last night.

  Shaun: You did?

  A picture of Claire swimming in the lake invaded his mind and flooded his senses.

  Claire: Yeah. Good job no one was about ‘cos the moon was out and it made me do something a bit mad. I got up and walked down to stand on the shore and then, I don’t know why, but I slipped into the water. Did you ever do that?

  This was too much.

  Shaun: No

  Claire: Oh God, I’m sorry I told you that. It was weird, wasn’t it?

  Shaun: Did it feel weird to you at the time?

  Claire: Yes.

  Shaun: So, what made you do it?

  Claire: No idea. It was a spur-of-the-moment kinda thing. I thought, ‘what the hell?’ It’s so not like me.

  Shaun: And was it cold?

  Claire: No, it was so warm. And the sky was so clear. I floated on my back and looked up. I swear, it was like the stars were dripping out of the sky.

  Shaun: The southern stars are so much brighter

  Claire: Yeah. I’ve never seen so many and so big.

  Shaun: Sounds like a magical moment.

  Claire: It was.

  That pang again as he thought about the stars, about her. God! How he wished he’d been there too. With her.

  He cleared his throat, trying to squash his image of Claire with the pearl light on her olive skin and her sleek dark hair, floating naked on the top of the quick-silvered water.

  He tried to focus, changing the subject.

  Shaun: You’ve been here a week now. How are you enjoying it?

  Claire: I love it.

  Shaun: Not too quiet?

  Claire: A little. I went around to Frank and Celia’s for a barbecue last night and I’m getting to know a few people in the town.

  Shaun: That’s good.

  Claire: It was a bit embarrassing, actually. Did you know that ‘bring a plate’ means to bring some food?

  Shaun: Ah!

  Claire: Yep... I did apologise. I thought they didn’t like washing up or something. But they were laughing so hard, that it was all okay

  He could imagine Celia’s reaction. She was sure to be telling everyone about that faux pas for the next week.

  But she had admitted too that she was a little lonely. Was it too isolated for her out at the lake? Was it boring her? How could he keep her occupied? Keep her there?

  Shaun: What do you want from this job, Claire?

  Claire: The challenge of getting stuck into something new, doing the best job I can.

  Shaun: It’s not an interview question. I’m curious, that’s all. Come on, Claire, what is it you’re trying to get from coming out here?

  There was a break in typing.

  Claire: I need a bit of time out. I want to figure out what I want to do next.

  Shaun: What are you running away from, Claire?

  Claire: Myself. I need to stop running and find myself.

  Shaun: Is that because you feel lost?

  Another pause.

  Claire: To be honest I’m a little tired, do you mind if we talk tomorrow?

  Shaun: That’s fine. Goodnight, Claire

  He rubbed his face.

  She’d signed off, closed the conversation down. He’d pushed her too far.

  Chapter 13

  ---------✸---------

  The tears roll down my face as I see what Annie’s posted. She’s tagged me in her photo. She’s only gone and told the whole world where I am. Of course, she wasn’t to know.

  I messaged her as soon as I saw it on Facebook and she took it down immediately. But it’s been there for a couple of days, and the Scousers have inevitably seen that I’m here in New Zealand.

  Nowhere feels safe anymore. Will I ever be free from them?

  I’ve messaged Jason too.

  He insists I tell Shaun immediately.

  That means coming clean about everything. Telling him about the Scousers. What if he thinks I’m too high risk? And that I’ll bring trouble to his door? What if he tells me to go?

  Weighing it up, I haven’t got much choice.

  Wiping my face dry, I start to type.

  Claire: Shaun, are you there?

  It’s a good five minutes before the phone pings. Five minutes of pacing up and down the porch, trying to get my words and my shit together.

  Shaun: Hi Claire. Are you alright?

  It’s the middle of the day, and I bet he’s figuring that it’s odd for me to be messaging him.

  Claire: The other night you asked if I was running away from something?

  Shaun: And are you?

  Claire: I’m scared in case you ask me to leave

  Shaun: I’d never do that, Claire. I promise. What is it? Please tell me.

  He sounds so concerned. It’s weird but I feel uncannily close to him; connected somehow.

  Claire: You were right the other night. I am running

  Shaun: What’s happened?

  Claire: I’m running away from something bad that happened to me

  Shaun: Are you in danger?

  Claire: No. Nothing like that. I was involved with someone. It’s a long story

  Shaun: Tell me

  Claire: The guy was an informant and some bad people found out. I got attacked by them

  Shaun: Did they hurt you?

  Claire: Yeah. I have a scar. Down my neck. It’s horrible. And now I’m hideous, Shaun

  There, I’ve said it.

  Shaun: Show me

  Claire: No

  Shaun: Send me a picture. I want to see your face

  Shaking, I hold up the phone and press the button. I can hardly bear to look at the image I’m sending him.

  Shaun: You’re beautiful, Claire

  Claire: Please don’t

  Shaun: But you are

  Hollow words. He’s trying to make me feel better and that makes it so much worse.

  Shaun: You’re upset. Why are you telling me this now?

  Claire: A criminal gang called the Scousers, they’re after the person I was with. He disappeared and they’ve been following me, thinking I’ll lead them to him, which is ridiculous. First, they tracked me to Greece, and now they’ve found out I’m here

  Shaun: How?

  Claire: My friend Annie posted it on Facebook. She’s deleted it but it’s probably too late

  He’s a long time silent. I’m positive he’s regretting his promise not to get rid of me.

  Shaun: Bloody Facebook! Do they know where in New Zealand?

  Claire: No

  Shaun: I wouldn’t worry, then. It’s a big country with two islands and where we are is pretty far from everyone. You’ll be safe. They won’t find you here

  Claire: You think?

  Shaun: Trust me

  Claire: Okay

  Shaun: If you see anyone acting strange, call the police and call me. I’ll come straight over. And if you’re worried, I can call Frank and Celia, and see if you can stay at theirs

  Claire: No please, don’t do that. I’ll be fine. You’re right, this country’s massive and remote, and I haven’t seen anyone for days

  Shaun: You sure you’ll be alright on your own? I can give up the job and come back?

  Claire: No! You can’t do that. Ari needs you

  Shaun: Hmm

  Claire: I’ll be okay. Honestly. If there’s anything suspicious, I’ll call the police

  Shaun: Good

  Shaun: Did you love him?

  The question surprises me but now’s not the time for lies.

  Claire: Yes, I did. But, I did a terrible thing to him

  Shaun: What?

  Claire: I presumed that he was one of the bad guys too. And I can never tell him how wrong I was. Shaun, you don’t want to listen to this, you’ve been a big help, putting things into perspective when I was losing it

  Shaun: Why can’t you ever tell him you’re sorry, Claire?

  He pushes it, and
although I don’t want to go into it I feel obligated.

  Claire: ‘Cos it’s too late.

  Shaun: Why’s it too late?

  Claire: ‘Cos it’s complicated. And I’m never going to see him again and there’s no way to contact him, so that’s that.

  Shaun: What? Is he on the space station or something?

  Claire: No.

  Shaun: Dead?

  Claire: No. Just gone. Actually, you remind me so much of him. The way we talk.

  There’s no response. Great! I tell him a drug gang is hunting me down. He’s cool with that. I blurt out that Sion reminds me of him and he loses the plot.

  Then it dawns on me. The scar. What did I expect?

  Another message comes in.

  Shaun: So, what are you going to do next?

  Claire: Use this time to pick myself up, start again

  Shaun: Sounds like a good idea

  Wanting to move to safer ground, I decide to share my plans to search for my Dad.

  Claire: Yeah. I’d like to find my father. He’s from New Zealand. That’s why I took this job. I wanted to come here to find him. Tane Matene is the name on my birth certificate. Don’t know anything else, though.

  Shaun: I’ll help you if you like?

  Claire: You will? I’d appreciate that

  It’s so strange, telling him everything has made me feel so much safer. I need to squash that crush. He’s gay anyway. But, I do want to keep him as a friend.

  Claire Thanks for listening, Shaun

  Shaun: Anytime

  Claire: Do you find this strange?

  Shaun: What?

  Claire: This. The way we talk together. It’s like I’ve known you forever

  Shaun: Yes, I feel it too, Claire. It’s good, it means that we’ll work together well

  Claire: Yeah

  Shaun: Anything at all, you call me alright? And Claire?

  Claire: Yes?

  Shaun: I know you’ve already dismissed my words. But you need to believe me. You’re still beautiful

  I wipe my face and take a deep breath. He’s made me feel so much better. And totally depressed. Because no matter how hard I try to talk myself out of it, I’m fast developing a huge and annoyingly futile crush on this gay man.

  ◆◆◆

  “Did ya see me go up that rock, Shaun? It was as sweet as.”

  Rawiri thumped the back of his seat and Ari took his hand off the minibus steering wheel to nudge him

  “Shaun?”

  “Oh, sorry. Did ya say something?”

  “Rawiri was talkin’ to himself for a good ten minutes back there, mate.”

  Rawiri, who was leaning forward in the seat behind Shaun, sniggered as Ari raised an eyebrow ironically in the rearview mirror.

  Shaun turned around.

  “Sorry, pal.”

  They’d been out into the forest with the boys doing their first climbing lesson. Shaun had managed to borrow some climbing gear from an outdoor centre over on the east coast and he’d been teaching them basic moves, knots and clippings.

  In the army, he’d gained instructor qualifications in quite a few outdoor pursuits as part of his transition back to civilian life. He couldn’t use the certificates now, but he remembered what to do.

  They’d even begun to have a little climb up the volcanic rock that Ari had found for them. It had been perfect for beginners with its rough, grippy surface. Already the boys were asking to go again, and they were only in the minibus on the way home.

  “You gonna tell me what’s up or am I gonna have to guess?” Ari said quietly to Shaun.

  Rawiri, earwigging, egged him on from behind.

  “Go on Ari. Have a guess.”

  “Nah, it’d make him blush.”

  Ari let out a big, hearty laugh and Shaun shook his head.

  “It’s nothing. I’ve got a few things on my mind, that’s all. About the place I’m renovating.”

  “Yeah, whatever,” Rawiri sniggered to Ari. “Bet it’s a chick, eh?”

  “Hey!”

  Ari caught Rawiri’s eye in the rearview mirror.

  “I can pull his leg, but when you do it, you cross the line.”

  “No need to rark up! I was only sayin’.”

  From the mirror Shaun could see Rawiri momentarily slumping backwards in a huff, then turning to chat with the other boys.

  “Ari?” Shaun ventured.

  “Yeah.”

  “There’s this girl I know.”

  “You managed to snag yourself a bird, bro?”

  “Yeah, no, I mean, she’s a mate of mine. British. She’s trying to track her dad. How would she go about it over here?”

  “Council office in Daragrei’s a good start, take a look through the electoral roll? Does she know where he is? North or South Island?”

  “Nah - she only has a name. Tane Matene.”

  “Spell the first name?”

  “T-A-N-E”

  “Shit! That’s…”

  Rawiri was listening in again. Ari’s eye caught his eye in the rearview mirror, and Rawiri promptly turned back to speak with the boys.

  “That’s a common name.”

  “So, no-one you know of?”

  “Yeah... Nah, bro…” Ari brushed it off casually, thinking aloud, “And I wouldn’t waste their time searching for him up North. I think the Matene surname’s from the South Island somewhere. Or perhaps out Gisborne way, eh?”

  “Ah, alright. I’ll let her know. I told her it wouldn’t be easy.”

  Shaun looked at the view out of the window as the fern-edged road tracked the estuary back towards the sea and the hostel.

  He’d been dying to put a kayak in the water. He needed to buy one once he was done at the hostel. The estuary looked ideal for a paddle.

  “Ari, when are you planning on testing out the waka?”

  “Next weekend. Hope you’re gonna help us out. Need your muscles, bro.”

  “Why?”

  Rawiri piped up.

  “‘Cos, it’s bloody heavy.”

  “Glad I’m useful for something.”

  Shaun turned and gave Rawiri a big grin.

  Rawiri reminded him of what he’d been like as a kid. Full-on, desperately wanting someone to pay him a little bit of attention, give him a bit of time.

  His phone pinged. He’d asked Claire to send him pictures every day. He could tell from their messaging that she’d lost a huge amount of confidence because of her scar. She wasn’t the same bubbly bartender he’d known back in The Cross Keys.

  He felt bad about that every time they talked. If only he’d have been able to stop her from getting hurt that day. But he’d been too far away. And what was done was done. All he could do now was help her to feel good about herself again.

  The first pictures he’d asked for were of her work. The newly painted rooms.

  Then he’d asked for one with her in it. She’d been reluctant at first, but eventually a selfie pinged through, paintbrush in hand.

  And then another. Her beside the chicken coop she’d rebuilt. Done a good job too.

  Then, a surprise. She sent one of herself posing with a bag of seed potatoes by a veggie patch she’d dug out.

  Small steps, but even if she didn’t realise it she was gaining in confidence every day.

  His pulse raced as he scrolled again through all the pictures she’d sent him. She really was beautiful and he couldn’t wait until he saw her again.

  ◆◆◆

  I’ve taken to sitting on the wooden porch looking out at the lake as the sun drops, messaging Shaun. In a few short weeks, he’s become my bestie.

  A photo comes through and I laugh out loud. I told him, fair’s fair. He needed to send me pics too.

  So far I’ve had shots of the sea, the hostel and a beautifully carved canoe.

  And each time there’s a bit of Shaun in it.

  Mystery man. He’s teased me. Given me an arm, a leg, a shoulder. And now this. His silhouette. The back of a man, arms and
legs spread out as he climbs up a rock.

  I open it and try to zoom in. His head’s covered by a plastic helmet and I’ve only got the back of him to go on. But it’s enough to make my heart thump. He’s tan and tall. Wearing shorts and a t-shirt. Well defined muscular shoulders, tight arse and strong athletic legs. He’s a regular action man. Typical of my luck that he prefers men.

  Claire: I can see what you've been doing today

  Shaun: Hi Claire, not long got back from the forest. I’d forgotten how much I love rock climbing

  Claire: Sounds fun. I’d love to have a try

  Shaun: I’ll take you

  My heart is pumping fast now. Is that a date?

  Claire: Will you?

  Shaun: Definitely. What’ve you been up to?

  Claire: Finished painting the last bedroom. Feeling very proud of myself, I don’t mind telling you

  Shaun: You’re my employee of the month. Well done

  Claire: Hmm. Out of how many?... Scrub that. I already know

  Shaun: So, that’s the last of them?

  Claire: Yip. And to celebrate I had a long, hot soak in the tub afterwards. How I’ve managed to get paint flecks onto some places of my anatomy is a complete mystery

  There I go again. I know I shouldn’t. But there’s something about him, I can’t help it. He makes me want to flirt.

  Shaun: Naked painting, was it?

  And laugh. Is he flirting with me, now? I’ve been wondering that for a while. Jason’s never like this.

  Claire: Good job I wasn’t naked. Vern from the hardware store came out to the lake with some chooks for me this afternoon. I nearly fell off the ladder when I heard him calling out

  Shaun: I now have hens?

  Claire: Yeah. About that

  Shaun: It’s fine, Claire. I was going to get some myself

  Claire: You were? Phew. I couldn’t get Rowdy in the coop and he looked so lonely up in the tree. Then, Vern called me about some new layers of his

  Shaun: How many did you get?

  Claire: Six. And Rowdy’s down from the tree already, hanging out with his girls. Hopefully, it won’t be too long before there are eggs

  Shaun: I’ll look forward to that when I’m home. I’m looking forward to seeing you too

  Claire: You are?

  Shaun: Yes

  Claire: Me too

  What is he doing to me? I’m trembling.