Forbidden Desires

by Jenna Hartley

  Suddenly, I feel like I can’t get enough oxygen, a foreign pressure weighing on my chest.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” Carter touches my shoulder, and I find every ounce of control not to flinch.

  “Not really.” I don’t want to tell him about the irrational jealousy and fear I’m still trying to fight, trying to convince myself it was nothing. He probably thinks this is still about my brother anyway.

  Carter brushes over my hair. “You know you can talk to me about anything, right?”

  I nod, even though I’m not positive he can see me. “I know.”

  I’m sure he isn’t happy about my answer, but he doesn’t push.

  And that’s exactly what I need, which is hard when we’re together in bed.

  We’re quiet for a moment before he speaks again, “Let’s go to sleep. Maybe that will help.”

  “Sounds good.” After a moment, my doubts win. “Are we still meeting for lunch tomorrow, or will you be too busy with appointments?”

  “Nope, we’re still good. It should be an easy day, and I’ll be at the office all morning.”

  “Okay.”

  And then I’m numb.

  Because he just lied to me.

  Why did he just lie to me?

  Maybe I should have asked him straight out, but instead, I try to trick my brain into thinking that nothing has changed.

  I close my eyes.

  Everything will be okay.

  Except that the man who hates to lie and values honesty just lied to me.

  Chapter 30

  Carter

  “Thanks for coming, CJ.” Oliver gets both of our surfboards out of his truck and hands mine to me.

  “You know there isn’t a better way to start the day.” The words come out automatically like they always do, but I suddenly wonder if they’re still true. Lately, things have evolved around Julia a lot more, and I’ve really enjoyed waking up next to her in the morning.

  I’ve spent the occasional night with a woman, but breakfast was usually the latest I could make myself stay. For starters, I’m not the biggest cuddler, and overnight stays always seem to equal exactly that. And then it’s almost as if the expectations change by the hour too. The longer I stay, the more the woman thinks I’m into her.

  Everything is the opposite with Julia, and I can’t seem to spend enough time with her. It’s always been like that though. Since she’s my friend, I’m used to spending time with her. That makes it completely normal and natural that I’d enjoy being with her a lot more than a random woman, right?

  “Are you gonna stand there like an idiot all morning? We’re gonna miss the sunrise.” Oliver pushes my wetsuit into my chest and starts walking toward the water with his board, already clad in his wetsuit. “Hurry up.”

  I put it on with lightning speed, grab my board, and run after him. The water welcomes me despite its chilly temperature, sending a quick shiver through my body. At least it clears my head at the same time, and my focus is solely back on the ocean and my best friend, who’s a few feet ahead of me. I paddle after him, welcoming the soft wind in my face as I catch up with him.

  I couldn’t believe my eyes this morning when I woke up to go to the bathroom and found a text message from Ollie on my phone. Can’t sleep. Morning session?

  Since the universe seemed to be on our side—I mean, what were the odds of me waking up a few minutes after he sent me a text?—I left a message for Jules, got changed, and hopped into my car to meet him at the beach. Ollie brought my gear since it’s still stored at his house.

  When we’re out far enough, we quietly sit on our boards and watch the sun slowly come up in the east. Witnessing the sky change colors never gets old, no matter how many times I’ve seen it before. It’s never quite the same either, the colors painting a different picture every time.

  Somehow, it always serves as a reminder for how simple and beautiful life can be.

  If we only let it.

  “We have to clear the air about Jules.” Oliver’s voice sounds calm, his gaze still on the sky.

  The tension drains from my body, the fact that he sounds almost normal filling me with optimism. “I know.”

  I’m not sure what he hears in my voice, but he turns his gaze on me, studying me.

  He scrubs a hand over his face, his voice gruff. “I’m sorry I’ve been such an ass. I hope you can understand why it hit me so hard.”

  This is so typical of him, apologizing for his behavior, even though he’s still not completely over the conflict. He’s one of the few people I know who are capable of doing that. It’s quite impressive really. I usually have to be completely over the problem before I can see straight enough to even consider an apology.

  Exhaling loudly, I hold on to the board as a bigger wave comes our way. “I totally get it, so there’s nothing to apologize for. I would have been disappointed if you hadn’t lost it.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes, man. She’s your family, and I definitely don’t have a good record when it comes to women. Not to mention that I’ve never been interested in a relationship. Shit. I wouldn’t trust myself either. But this is Jules. Everything’s different with her.”

  Oliver points a finger at me, his face drawn into a serious expression. “That’s good, I guess. Just don’t play around with her. If you think this isn’t going anywhere, just tell her right now. I’m sure she’d be pissed, rightfully so, but at least you wouldn’t drag it out and break her heart. That way, I also wouldn’t have to hurt you for breaking her heart. I’d hate to do that. So please, do me a favor and figure out your shit.”

  I hold out my hands in front of me. “Hey. We’re talking about Jules here. I don’t want to hurt her either, you know that. And I really don’t want to screw things up. But don’t rip my head off every single time I make a mistake, because I’m sure they’ll happen. No one is perfect, and I’m beginning to understand that no relationship is either.”

  His eyes leave my face in the middle of my little speech, and he’s looking out over the water again. Several good waves have already passed us, but neither one of us makes a move to take any of them.

  “So.” I clear my throat, trying to move the topic away from me, hoping it will allow things to be more normal. “How are things going with Cora? You guys have been extra tight the last few weeks.”

  The answer is written all over his face and the self-satisfied grin that’s spreading. “Man, she’s great, isn’t she? Do you think it’s too early to ask her to move in with me? We’ve been spending most of our free time together anyway.”

  His voice is soft when he talks about her, but it really doesn’t surprise me. These two seem to be a perfect match from everything I’ve seen.

  “You’re asking me that?” Pressing my hand over my heart, I chuckle. From the way Ollie joins me, he must have realized how ironic his question is, even more so after the conversation we just had about his sister. I’m definitely the last person to ask for relationship advice.

  And yet, I actually feel a sense of relief, or maybe gratitude, that he’s asking. He trusts me. And that feels fucking awesome.

  “I guess I am.” He shrugs. “Speaking of moving. Sorry for kicking you out of the house.”

  I wave off his words. “No hard feelings, man. You gave me the push I needed to get my ass moving.”

  “Thanks.” He looks relieved.

  I’m desperate to tell someone about my plans, but thankfully, Ollie’s distracting me enough to keep me from obsessing over my secret.

  He claps his hands. “Now back to Cora. Humor me. What do you think? Too much too fast?”

  I grin at his persistence to talk about her, his feelings for her clear as day. Giving his question some serious thought, I focus on the water. The cold is slowly penetrating my body through the exposed pieces of skin, and I start moving around on my board, wanting to get my circulation going.

  My mom’s conversation is at the forefront of my mind once more. “You know, I actua
lly don’t think there is too early, too fast, or too long. Whatever feels right whenever, I guess. I mean, look at my mom. She finally seems happy after those awful losers. She suggested trying things and not giving up hope seems to be an essential part of making things work. At least those are my two cents, but what do I know?”

  “Seems to me like you know more than you realize.” His words sound genuine, and I’m surprised at his praise. “I think I’ll ask her. I’m tired of the constant back and forth, and since her place isn’t very big, we’re usually at my place now all the time. I’m in love with her, and I like having her around. It somehow just makes sense, I guess.”

  Life is so much better when you can share it with someone you love. It changes everything. Seems Mom was right. Ollie’s dating habits weren’t that different to mine before he met Cora.

  “Sounds like you’ve got your answer right there.” I grin and hold out my fist to him that he bumps with his.

  Thankfully.

  For a moment, we smile at each other like the idiots we are while the sun rises higher in the sky.

  I tip my head in his direction. “But seriously, I think she’s good for you. And it’s obvious how much you love her. So I’m with you. Looks like it’s time to grow up, huh? Time to trade in that bachelor life for something else?”

  “It sure looks like it, doesn’t it?” He rubs his hands together and turns his board around. “Enough with this girl talk. Are we gonna do this now or what?”

  I copy his actions. “You bet. Let’s ride those waves.”

  We surf for about an hour before heading back to the truck. Usually, surfing helps clear my mind.

  Our conversation plays on a loop as I head back to the hotel to get ready. As I thought, Ollie and I are sorted, and it’s time to get on with my next plan.

  Chapter 31

  Julia

  The restaurant is almost bursting at the seams when I get there. When did Tuesday lunch hour become this popular? Carter texted me about ten minutes ago that he got here early and grabbed us a table.

  The hostess skillfully walks me through the array of tables inside and out back. Before she even turns into his direction, I see my lunch date sitting at a corner table.

  I point toward him. “I see him, thank you.”

  She nods and leaves, but not before sending an appreciate gaze in Carter’s direction, making my stomach churn.

  No, Julia. Don’t do this again.

  I’ve been having more self-talks in the last fourteen hours or so than I care to admit, unable to forget that mysterious text message Carter got from an unknown number, right before he lied about his plans for today.

  I want to give him the benefit of a doubt, but my thoughts have been circulating around the situation over and over again. Waking up by myself this morning, instead of Carter’s arms, only worsened my mood.

  Being this irrational isn’t like me, and it drives me bonkers that I can’t get a grip.

  At this point, I’m unable to focus on much else, my mind racing to find an answer it’s happy with.

  More than once, I considered cancelling our lunch date, but I couldn’t bring myself to go through with it. Maybe I can work up the courage to ask him straight out, even though the sheer possibilities of outcomes are enough to make me slightly hysterical.

  Being exhausted after last night isn’t helping, so maybe I’ll take a nap when I get home.

  When I reach the table, Carter’s thankfully preoccupied with his phone and doesn’t see me, giving me another moment to pull myself together.

  Dressed in black suit pants and a gray button-down, he looks immaculate like always. The matching suit jacket hangs on the back of his chair, and I wonder for about the millionth time how guys manage to wear full suits in the summer. I’d melt in about two minutes.

  His hair looks more disheveled than it usually does, and I wonder if he’s been running his hands through it a lot this morning, or maybe someone el—

  No, no, no. Not going there.

  And I know in my heart of hearts that I have no reason to doubt Carter. He’s always been a man of his word, and even if he’s a flirt, I doubt he’d cheat.

  I know this irrational thought stems more from learning that Nate had been testing the waters with another woman before we broke up. I only found out the other day when he sent me a random text to let me know he was dating again. He didn’t want me to find out from someone else, which at the time I thought was kind. Thoughtful even. Honestly, I hadn’t cared. He even admitted that he’d seen her for a while before we broke up. And again, it hadn’t bothered me. I was so not in love with Nate.

  But after the unnamed text and then Carter’s lie, I began to recall similar behavior in Nate. He had started carrying his phone everywhere with him, and I’d often found him smiling at a text, refusing to say why. He’d come home later than usual on occasion, but I’d never suspected a thing. Now, I know just how naïve I was.

  But this is Carter. This is the man who pleaded for me to give us a chance, and logic, gosh, my heart is telling me to stop seeing things where there aren’t things to see, but I’m struggling.

  He finally looks up, the scowl on his face turning into the smile I love so much when he notices me. “Oh, hey.”

  “Hi.” I wave at him awkwardly, trying my absolute hardest to push these crazy thoughts away.

  Carter gets out of his chair and pulls me into a hug. “It’s so good to see you.”

  “Bad day?” My question comes out muffled since I’m pressed into his shoulder, enjoying the moment of closeness despite errant thoughts.

  “You can say that.” He pushes me back to look at me. “But it’s much better now.”

  Leaning down, he brushes my lips gently with his, and I’m immediately lost in him.

  I’m about to wrap my hands around his neck when he breaks the kiss, chuckling.

  “This might not be the best place to make out, Jules.” He takes my hand and gives my cheek a gentle kiss.

  When I peek over his shoulder, several eyes are already on us. How embarrassing. Heat rushes into my cheeks, and I press my lips together. “Sorry. I’m a bit out of it today.”

  He tilts his head and grows still, observing me. “Everything okay?”

  I pull away from him to sit down, Carter mirroring me as I take a large sip of the water on the table. “Yeah, I guess. Actually, I don’t know. I haven’t been sleeping very well this week, and I think it’s messing with my brain. I forgot about some orders, so I’m stressed about how I’ll get everything done in time while also trying to keep up with the new orders that keep coming in.”

  His brow wrinkles. “Is there anything I can do to help? Why didn’t you say anything? I didn’t know you had trouble sleeping.”

  I know he wouldn’t understand if I told him my reasons. He already has enough on his plate without worrying about me on top of everything. I don’t want to be a burden to him.

  A warm breeze gently stirs the tablecloth, and I brush my hand over it before shaking my head. “I just need to get more organized and seriously weigh my options about hiring someone to help. Even if it’s not for the jewelry-making itself, having someone take the business side off my hands would allow me to focus on the production.”

  Carter nods, probably happy about business talk. “Absolutely. I’m sure I have some good contacts if you want them.”

  This time, the smile comes a little easier. “That would be awesome, thank you.”

  He waves me off and stretches his arm across the table to take one of my hands. “Anything for my girl.”

  “Your girl?” I repeat his words in a trance as I blankly stare at his face, my insides clenching in a troublesome way.

  His smile falls a little at my expression, turning into something else, something more serious. “You’ve always been my number-one girl. Do you not like it when I call you that?” There’s an edge to his tone, and I don’t like it.

  “What? Yes. I mean, no.” A few strands of my hair come out
of my ponytail when I shake my head almost violently. “It’s cute.”

  I don’t watch his reaction as our waiter chooses that moment to come to our table, taking our orders.

  * * *

  The rest of lunch goes by quickly and mostly consists of small talk. It’s a little painful and awkward, so I keep my gaze on my food as much as I can—a veggie burger with fries—even though I’m not really hungry.

  As we get ready to leave, Carter fills me in on what happened with my brother.

  My lips automatically part in a grin, and I feel like this is the best thing I’ve heard all day. “I’m so happy he came around and you guys talked it all through.”

  Carter takes my hand as we walk out of the restaurant. “Me too. There might still be a few awkward moments here and there, but I think the worst is over.”

  “I agree.” My gaze is on my feet, and I’m almost itchy to get back home. Maybe I’m getting sick. I truly need to take that nap. I think knowing it’s coming helped get me through this lunch. The news about my brother made it worth it though. “You should have told me earlier. This is huge.”

  “I know, sorry. I guess I was preoccupied with this meeting I had this morning.” He shrugs, and his comment makes me stop halfway to the parking lot.

  Is he talking about what I think he’s talking about?

  “What meeting?” The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them, my heart beating loudly in my chest.

  He looks away from me, fidgeting with my hand. “Oh, it’s nothing. Just some meeting.”

  My stomach churns. Crap, I’m going to be sick.

  I pull my hand from his and take a step back, needing some room to breathe.

  Carter’s voice is low when he bends down. “Jules, what on earth’s going on? I know something’s been on your mind, and it’s killing me to see you this unhappy.”

  When I feel like I can breathe after a few deep inhales, I straighten as much as I can, telling myself to stop being such a wuss.