What Remains

by Sarah Brocious

  I couldn’t help my smile as I shook my head. “I just moved back with mine. How lame am I?” I teased back.

  He chuckled. “We’ll compare our lameness tomorrow.”

  I nodded and turned about to return to the safety of the shore. The promise of tomorrow teased my senses.

  The rest of the day was spent eating way too much, getting sunburn on my nose and shoulders, and catching up with old friends. It was crazy the things that had changed and the many others that hadn’t.

  One amazing thing that hadn’t seemed to be altered by my absence was my friendship with Ana. We had been apart for eight years, yet it was like I had seen her every day since. We got on so well, and for this I was thankful. There would be no awkwardness when I started working for Mrs. Winston. I had decided it was the right step.

  The day got cooler as the evening came closer. A lot of the town dissipated, returning to their safe familiar homes. I stayed back with my parents to help clean up and to load tables and chairs back in the van to be returned to the church. Terry, Max, and Ana worked along side me. It was comforting in a way to be doing something so normal with them after all of these years.

  I said goodbye to my parents as they finally decided to call it quits on the day. Terry would bring me home. Evelyn left at the same time with little Madeline in tow. Madeline’s little smile and “Bye, Hadley” had me grinning.

  “Lets have a fire,” Terry suggested.

  I hesitated, but when Ana shouted in agreement, I gave in. A few of the other young adults decided that was worth sticking around for. When the wine made an appearance I was one hundred percent in.

  Max put himself in charge of the fire building. We had always teased that he was a boy scout. He could build the best. He didn’t disappoint tonight.

  We had set aside a few chairs for just this occasion. Terry promised to bring them back in his truck. So we settled in close to the fire with our wine.

  Max took a seat next to me as if that was the most natural thing. I liked him near. Something had shifted just slightly. I wasn’t about to return to yesteryear with him, but I wasn’t feeling so angry with him.

  “You know, Mady really likes you,” he spoke up. His eyes danced with amusement. “She’s calling you her new friend Hadley.”

  I laughed. “Well, I’m honored.”

  “She’s got good taste in friends,” he chuckled.

  I studied his profile, as he turned his face back to the fire. I had missed him, the old him. I had missed how easily he made me laugh. I’d missed that dimple that appeared in his cheek when he really smiled. I had missed the confidant that Max had been. I missed his arms and that steady way he would hold me. I missed how he would touch me and kiss me and make me feel like I was the only woman he ever wanted to touch.

  He looked over at me, as if sensing my gaze. “What is it?” he asked softly.

  “I just…” His eyes were so gentle on me that I lost my words. Damn him for causing chaos in me. I had been done with him…done with hurting over his betrayal. I had wanted nothing to do with him twenty-four hours ago and now all I could think of was how much I wanted to be right here with him. It was frustrating. I shook my head and stood to my feet. The warmth of the fire was just too much.

  I hurried past the others and headed for Terry’s truck. I needed away for a minute. I reached for the handle, but was stopped by a gentle hand on my shoulder.

  “Turn around. Look at me, Hadley.”

  That deep voice vibrated through me and I had to obey. His face was in shadows, but I knew he was looking right through me. “What’s wrong?”

  “You,” I whispered. “You are what is wrong.” I pulled in a breath. “I’m supposed to hate you.”

  He chuckled. “You are?”

  “Yes, damn it.” I ignored the tremble I felt when his fingers gently squeezed my shoulders.

  “Why?”

  My heart slammed hard. “You broke me, Max.”

  “Hadley,” he murmured gently.

  “You broke me,” I repeated.

  He was quiet for a second and then shook his head. “No, you broke me,” he whispered.

  I shook my head. “How? It was you…”

  “You ran away before I could defend myself,” he cut in. “You married Logan. You moved away. You never let me say a word, Hadley.” He swore under his breath and squeezed my shoulders harder. “God I was in love with you. I was a twenty-two year old kid who knew exactly what he wanted…you, Hadley. I wanted you.”

  “But Bethany…”

  “Stop,” he growled. “Just stop. You promised a talk. We will talk, but tomorrow.”

  “Why not now?” I pushed against his chest, but he was immobile.

  He sighed and tipped my chin up. “Because I’m afraid if I spend anymore time alone with you now I will just end up…” He took in a breath. “I’ll just end up kissing you and making a fool out of myself.”

  It was my turn to catch my breath.

  He leaned in and pressed his forehead to mine. I couldn’t fight him. I didn’t want to fight him.

  “Since I saw you this morning, sitting on the porch swing with your hair all a mess, I’ve been thinking about nothing but kissing you.” His voice warmed me.

  I swallowed hard and breathed in his scent; a flood of memories rush at me because of just that…Max’s scent. “I don’t want you to kiss me,” I lied. If my hands grasping the front of his shirt didn’t give away my lie, the tremble in my voice would.

  He chuckled softly. “No?”

  I shook my head.

  He kissed my forehead gently. “Is that okay?”

  I nodded.

  His lips traveled gently over my temple and he kissed my cheek. “And that?”

  Again I nodded dumbly.

  He wrapped his arms more securely around me. The warmth of his body was comfort and excitement all in one. I felt his heart beating furiously against my own. “This?”

  I trembled.

  “Hadley?”

  I pushed gently against his chest but his arms only flexed in protest. “I can’t,” I whispered.

  He nodded and released me.

  “Tomorrow we will talk,” I promised. I looked up at him and the urge to wrap my arms around his neck and accept as many kisses as he would give me was strong.

  “We should go back,” he whispered, breaking my little fantasy.

  I nodded and then brushed past him and started back to the fire. It was the hardest thing I had done in a long time, and that was saying a lot.

  I sat down at the fire and picked my wine glass up. Ana gave me a look of concern, but I forced a smile to assure her I was okay. Moments later, Max returned, but he didn’t take the seat next to me again. It was for the best. At least for tonight it was. I shook it off and enjoyed the remainder of the night with friends.

  “So, Max says you guys are going out tomorrow?” This question came from Terry as we drove home that night.

  I laughed. “Not like a date. We’re going for a ride and we’re going to talk.” I shrugged.

  “How is that not a date? You guys did that all the time while dating. Every other day you guys were test driving Max’s newest fixer upper.”

  My cheeks warmed at the memory. “Yeah, but then we just rode out to the old cemetery to make out.”

  Terry laughed at this. “And what makes you think you won’t go down that same road tomorrow? I saw the way he was looking at you. And don’t act like you were all innocence and decency.”

  I slapped his arm. “We are adults now and not hormonally charged kids. We’re just going to talk.”

  Terry chuckled.

  I thought of the moment by the truck and I could still feel those strong arms around me. I wanted to be back there now.

  Suddenly I felt eighteen again.

  Chapter 5 Sundays at the Wrights’

  I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. Whatever spell had been cast over me at yesterdays picnic/bonfire was quickly turning cold in the light of
day. What was I thinking? I had agreed to take a ride with a man who had single handedly broken my heart eight years back. Maybe it was the fact that he had seemed so ardent to spend time with me.

  Had I become one of those women? The ones that are starving for attention so badly that they jump at the opportunity to be with someone? In truth, Logan had done a job on my self-esteem. I had guiltily wondered if anyone would ever be interested in me ever again. If he cheated on me…if Max had…what was stopping the next guy?

  The pity party in my head was going to ruin my day. It didn’t matter if I was stupid for accepting Max’s invite. I had accepted. Stupid or not, I couldn’t wait to see his face.

  I had seen him and his mom with little Mady between them, walking the short distance to our town’s church. It had been sweet and brought back memories of being on my fathers shoulders when I was tiny and we had done the same.

  My mom had begged me to go, too. I wasn’t ready for it. No.

  I wasn’t giving up on my faith. I just felt jaded by it. Going to church meant reflecting on my life. And yeah, maybe I was a little mad with “The Man Upstairs” for allowing what had happened. Deep down, I knew he hadn’t. We all have choices to make. Logan made his. I had made mine. My anger was unwarranted, but it was there. Going to church meant facing that anger. I wasn’t ready.

  I spent the morning instead just cleaning up my old room. If I was going to be staying here any length of time, I would make it suitable for the Hadley now, not the Hadley then. I packed up the old and replaced with the new. The only things I didn’t touch were the pictures. Those I still liked.

  By the end of my task, I could smell mom’s pork roast, carrots, and potatoes, simmering in the crock-pot downstairs in the kitchen. Oh, yeah, it would be easy to fatten back up being here. My mom’s cooking never disappointed.

  I hurried down the stairs to set the table. One less thing for her to do…and it would make eating all that quicker. Plus, I wanted time to get ready to see Max. A shower and change would be in order. I stared down at my old school t-shirt and worn jean shorts. My feet were bare. No, this would not do for a date. Not at all.

  “It’s not a date,” I whispered to myself in irritation, as I set the last fork by the last plate. The reminder wouldn’t change the fact that I wanted to look nice. Let him see what he had missed out on.

  I had certainly noticed that about him. Max had grown into a man. He owned his own business…two businesses. He was a father, and a fine good one it seemed. He had strong ties to his community. And he had aged gracefully. He was parts of the boy I remembered, but he was different, too.

  Had we just been too young? Could I forgive him?

  ”No, not that easily,” I growled at myself. Cheating was cheating, no matter the age. I would let him speak his mind, but there really could be no excuse.

  I busied myself preheating the oven for rolls to go with our meal. I would deal with Max this afternoon.

  My family arrived, just as I was pulling the rolls from the oven. The men headed immediately up the stairs, but mom came to the kitchen to check on her meal. She noted my actions immediately. “Thank you.” She squeezed my shoulder on her way to the counter. She peaked in the pot and nodded approval.

  “Sweetheart, can you set three more places please?”

  I frowned, but obeyed, reaching into the cabinet for more plates. “Sure.”

  “The Brandon’s will be over,” she threw over her shoulder, on her way to the stair.

  I nearly dropped the plates. “When?” I called out.

  My mom didn’t answer. I refrained from stomping my foot.

  Terry grinned, as he entered the kitchen. “Don’t you look spiffy?" he teased. They’ll be here after they change,” he answered the question I had thrown after my mom.

  I gave him a glare and shoved the plates into his chest. “I need to at least brush my hair.”

  He juggled the plates. “Better hurry.”

  I scurried up the stairs, passing my dad in the hall. I heard his chuckle. He knew what my mad dash was all about and my cheeks warmed.

  Throwing my old t-shirt over my head, I rummaged through my freshly packed drawers and pulled out a white tank and a yellow sleeveless blouse that wasn’t too wrinkled. The shorts were worn, but clean, so I left them. My toes needed painted, but it was too late for that. I shoved on sandals and rushed to my window to peak out through the curtain. No Brandon’s in view. So I took some time for mascara and a bit of lip-gloss. I didn’t want to look like I was trying too much. I frowned at my messy ponytail and set my hair free. I had been blessed with thick hair and waves, so it fell nicely back into place. But I brushed out a few tangles to make it lay nicer.

  I stared back at myself in the mirror. My brown eyes looked uncertain, and my cheeks were pink from excursion. Looking at myself, I wondered for a moment if Max still saw the face he remembered. Had I changed as much on the outside as I had on the inside?

  I hardly recognized myself sometimes. It was my eyes. They seemed sadder, older somehow.

  “Hadley, are you ready?” my mom called up the stairs.

  I shrugged at my image and twirled away from the mirror. This was as good as it was going to get. I hurried out the door and down the stair.

  I got a smile of approval from my mom. She seemed to like the change in appearance. “There’s sweet tea in the fridge and the ice bucket is still in the side cabinet.”

  It was just a statement, but I knew what she was requesting. I quickly filled the bucket with ice and had the pitcher of tea on the table.

  Terry tried flipping on the game, but got scolded. He turned to his phone instead.

  I thought of my phone setting up on my dresser. I hadn’t even taken a look at it for days and I felt all the better for it. I was sure there would be messages from Logan. He would have heard from his family I’m sure. Who was Hadley to be out and about enjoying herself? Would they mention I was talking to Max?

  “What do I care?” I growled to myself.

  A knock at the front cut my thoughts short. No one ran to answer the door, and I heard it creak open. It had always been like that with our families. There were no set rules. We were always free to come at will. The knock was just a formality.

  “We’re here,” a little angels voice called out, and little Madeline skipped in. She ran to my mother and hugged her about the waist. I smiled as Terry set aside his phone when she leapt at him. Even my dad got a hug. I was last, but Madeline had a lot of love to give. Her arms about my waist were strong and sure. “Hey, Hadley.”

  I hugged her back. “Hey, Mady.”

  Max and Evelyn came into view with not as much excitement, but smiles. Max handed my mom a dish to add to the table.

  “After all I ate yesterday, I didn’t think I’d have room for more,” Max announced, patting his flat stomach. “But it sure smells good,” he complimented my mom and earned a kiss on the cheek.

  “Such a charmer,” she laughed, pushing him toward the table. “Sit down and we’ll feed you.”

  Max grinned and turned to obey. Those hazels lit when they saw me, which did funny things to my heart. How could he still light up like that? Like I was his favorite person in the world? “Hello, Hadley,” he drawled gently.

  I smiled, unable to form words.

  My dad saved me, by clapping him on the shoulder and leading him to sit down.

  I crossed quickly to the kitchen to get more napkins. My face felt warm…too warm. Partly it was viewing Max and partly it was out of confusion. The way my family acted with Max…like he was part of us? It almost felt like a betrayal. But it couldn’t be. They loved me.

  Then Terry’s words at the auto shop came back to haunt me. Was it the same? What kind of parents would still love a man that had hurt their daughter? Unless he was innocent? They for sure had no love for Logan. Why Max?

  I felt almost jealous that he had this with them. All those years he had with them. I had been the one to run away…and then I had been the one t
o pull away. It was my own fault. Now, more than ever, I wanted my time with Max. I wanted answers. I wanted to see in him what my family saw.

  I squared my shoulders and returned to the table. The last remaining seat was at the end and beside Max. I knew it was orchestrated. I sat down gently and bowed my head as my dad said grace.

  I felt warm calloused fingers close over mine and my heart was off to the races. His thumb traced across my knuckles and I was only too happy and all at the same time utterly devastated when the prayer ended and his touch was gone.

  I distracted myself, by reaching for a roll and soon the food was being passed and the happy chatter began. I allowed myself to melt into the familiarity of it all.

  Evelyn insisted on being updated about my life, but since most of my life updates included divorce and coming back here, I stuttered through, so she took pity on my and gave me her updates instead. Most of hers included little Madeline and Max.

  She watched her Mady most of the time while Max worked. And that seemed to be a bright light in her world. She boasted on and on about Max and his work.

  “Mom, Hadley doesn’t need to hear all that,” he cut in gently.

  I shrugged. “I’m glad you are doing so well.” I stared down at my plate, feeling awkward. “And your mom is just proud of you.”

  “I’m proud of my daddy, too,” Madeline spoke up.

  I was happy for the distraction and smiled at her just then. “And what about you, Miss Mady? Are you getting ready to start school?”

  She smiled happily. “I just turned four.” She held up four fingers. “So not til I’m five.” She included her thumb with those four fingers. “See? This much. How many fingers are you, Hadley?”

  “Too many,” Terry teased.

  Madeline giggled. “Well, you are more than her. You’re old like daddy.”

  Terry set a hand over his heart like she had wounded him, which earned more giggles.

  “Hey,” Max chuckled. “Calling your daddy old?”

  I liked the way his eyes crinkled when he smiled. He turned those hazels on me and I couldn’t help returning his smile.