Clovenhoof 02 Pigeonwings

by Heide Goody

  The three of them – two men and one angel – simply stared out to sea. Ewan eventually broke the silence.

  "Now," he said, "If that had been Excalibur, Arthur’s blade, the Lady of the Lake’s hand would have come up out of the water to take back the sword."

  Michael peered out over the waves.

  "And did that happen?"

  "I don’t know, Michael. It’s dark."

  ~ooOOOoo~

  Stephen made another attempt to dab up Nerys's blood, and gave her a smile that he hoped was encouraging.

  He was supposed to talk to her, stop her slipping away. He wracked his brain for something to say.

  "Just us two, eh?" he said. "A bit of quality of time together. Nice, isn’t it?"

  Nerys blinked at him. It seemed to be an effort.

  "Nice? You did just tell me I'm dying, didn't you?" she whispered.

  "Sorry."

  "About before. I can see that I hurt you."

  "It’s okay. Don’t worry about it."

  "If I was... overbearing then I'm sorry."

  "No, no." Stephen patted her hand. "Don't exert yourself. I can't blame you for being so enthusiastic about things. I admire your spirit. How could I not? You saved me from the abbot!"

  Nerys coughed and her whole body shook with the pain.

  "So, how's celibacy been treating you?" she asked. "Was I…?"

  "What?"

  "The last one...?"

  "Yes you were," said Stephen. He seemed about to say something more, but there was a grinding sound as the stonework above them shifted.

  "You should get out of here," said Nerys. "You could be killed."

  "What and miss what you do next?" laughed Stephen. "Not a chance. Your crazy friend will save you and you'll do something spectacular and horrific, won't you? Won't you?"

  He leaned over as her eyelids fluttered closed.

  "Nerys? Come on. Nerys!"

  ~ooOOOoo~

  Clovenhoof found the boat. He’d always wanted a boat of his own. He hadn’t realised until that very moment but he saw now that he had always wanted a boat. Now probably wasn’t the time to acquire one.

  He hopped aboard but found his hooves tangled in some ropes. He flailed impatiently and threw them over the side when he had managed to untie them. It was beginning to get quite windy now, and the smoke from the monastery billowed down to the water's edge. He was able to pick out shapes on the boat, and he moved forward, looking for something that might be a stash of apples. The first thing he found was the prior in his bath-chair.

  "Evening," he said.

  It was too dark to see any hint of a facial expression but Clovenhoof felt the question in the air.

  "Your brother? He's gone I'm afraid. His house fell on him."

  He rummaged through the bags and chests. He could feel the prior’s gaze boring into him. It might have contained a request perhaps, or a wish.

  "No, I'm not about to do that," said Clovenhoof. "Yes, immortality is quite a drag, but I've got other things to be seeing to right now. Quite a cargo you've got here on this boat, brother. Where are the apples though?"

  Clovenhoof pulled a bag out from the base of the bath chair with a triumphant flick.

  "Aha! Here we are."

  He stumbled and tipped them over the side into the waves.

  "Bugger!"

  Clovenhoof leapt into the water and grabbed an apple as it bobbed around energetically with several others. He waded back to shore, holding it aloft. He registered dimly that the boat was a little further out. The rope that was previously tied to a wooden post was now snaking out behind the boat as it drifted away from the shore.

  "Sorry about that!" he yelled to the prior and ran back up the path as fast as his hooves could carry him.

  Ben pointed again, stabbing a finger out to sea.

  "There!"

  Jayne screwed up her eyes and tried to see what he was seeing.

  "Nothing."

  "It’s a boat. I can still just about see it. Floating away on the waves. I saw something glitter and there was a man sat on board."

  "Right," said Jayne. "And you can see him smiling at you and waving, no doubt."

  "I didn’t say he was waving," said Ben. "Smiling perhaps."

  "Maybe this is his gold."

  "Oh, no. Finders keepers, I say."

  "Come on," she said.

  She would have taken his hand as they walked back down towards the monastery but she wasn’t sure where they now stood on hand-holding and, besides, the gold in her arms was very heavy.

  "So, what do we tell everyone?" she said.

  "I don’t think we need to tell them about the gold. If someone notices, you can say that a wealthy aunt gave it to you as a wedding present."

  "Not about the gold," she said. "About us."

  Ben popped his lips as he thought.

  "We’re married. We love each other."

  Jayne could sense the ‘but’. It was a big fat ‘but’ and loitered like a mugger in an alley.

  "But?" she said.

  "But we’re not ready for our lives to go in the same direction just yet. You’ve got adventures you need to have."

  "Without you?"

  "If that’s how it has to be."

  "And you’ll wait for me?" she said.

  Ben shrugged amiably.

  "I’ll be sat on my favourite bench, waiting," he said.

  "For how long?"

  He shrugged again. It was clearly his default response.

  "Until your gold runs out," he said.

  "My gold?"

  "Absolutely."

  Jayne blinked and then, surprising herself a little, planted a small but heartfelt kiss on his cheek.

  "You are an astonishing man, Ben Kitchen."

  "I am astonishing," he agreed. Suddenly his face fell. "Oh, no!"

  Jayne followed his gaze and saw the orange glow and the pall of smoke.

  "Is the monastery on fire?"

  "Oh, Jeremy," said Ben with a mighty sigh.

  ~ooOOOoo~

  "I've got the apples!" yelled Clovenhoof as he burst back through the hole in the wall.

  The first thing that he noticed was that quite a lot more stonework had fallen down, and the smoke was getting thicker. The second thing he noticed was that Nerys was slumped in Stephen's arms, eyes closed.

  "Nerys! Wake up!"

  Stephen lifted his head, eyes rimmed with red.

  "It might be too late," he said.

  "Fucking magic apples," murmured Nerys faintly. "Kidding aren't you? Rather have a glass of wine to be honest."

  "No, no, this will work!" Clovenhoof said. "You need to eat it now!"

  "You're Satan, why would I believe a word you say?" she said.

  "She’s delirious," said Stephen but Clovenhoof ignored him.

  "I know, I know. Look the fruit of eternal life wasn't my idea. I did say at the time that I thought the fruit of uncontrollable flatulence would be a lot more fun. Nowhere near enough fart jokes in the Old Testament, but He wasn't having it. Look, if I eat some first will you have some?"

  Clovenhoof took a bite of the apple and chewed it enthusiastically.

  "Now your turn, yum, yum!"

  He broke some off and offered it to her. Nerys took the piece in her mouth and chewed feebly. As the juice was released, her jaw moved more freely and she was able to take another bite straight from the apple. Stephen smiled up at Clovenhoof.

  "It works."

  "Yes, yes," said Clovenhoof with a dismissive wave of the hand. "But saving lives is not at all what I do. I hope word doesn't get around. I only did it because I can't drive and I need her to give me lifts. Uh oh."

  Clovenhoof realised what was happening and tried to put a hand across his mouth, but the urge to speak the truth overwhelmed him.

  "Also, I know where you keep your booze," he said to Nerys, "which is handy when the shops are shut."

  Nerys had started to regain some colour and she was able to sit up slightly. S
tephen moved forward to help her, but she put a hand on his arm.

  "Hold on, I might not get another opportunity like this," she said. "Right, Jeremy. Last Easter when you blamed Twinkle for eating the whole roast, was it you, really?"

  "Yes," said Clovenhoof, unable to lie.

  "Thought so. Is it you that keeps phoning up the job agency and asking if there are any vacancies for breast inspectors?"

  "Yes."

  "Hm. A couple of months ago, my underwear drawer was all messed up. What do you know about that? Were you selling used underwear to perverts on eBay?"

  "No, but I might now you've given me the idea. I made catapults out of your bras. I wanted to see which would send an egg the farthest, wired or unwired."

  "Which one did?" asked Nerys.

  "Dunno, I accidentally broke them, so I had to mop up the mess with your knickers. I didn't think you'd notice."

  Nerys looked hard at him.

  "Did we really go to Heaven and meet Aunt Molly?" she whispered.

  "Yes we did. Totally kicked ass as well," Clovenhoof replied.

  "It really happened," said Nerys to herself. "Now, how about this apple? Eve ate some and she was cursed. Am I going to be cursed?"

  "Well," said Clovenhoof. "Eve's curse was to have pain in childbirth and to be ruled over by men."

  Stephen and Clovenhoof both stared at Nerys for a long moment.

  "So," asked Stephen. "Do you feel as if you ought to do what we say?"

  Nerys laughed so long and so hard that she almost failed to get up from the floor.

  "Come on," she said, as she got to her feet. "Let's go. We’ve done enough damage here."

  "Here they are!" shouted Pam.

  Ben and Jayne were hurrying down the path to the shore. Jayne seemed to be struggling with a small but obviously heavy bag in her arms. Agnes ran to hug her daughter, an act of affection that clearly caught Jayne by surprise.

  "We were so worried," said Agnes.

  "We were just taking a walk," said Jayne. "We didn’t even realise what had happened until –"

  "And look what you’ve done to that dress! Is the bridal hire shop going to accept that as reasonable wear and tear? They are not. You don’t think, girl!"

  Jayne smiled, clearly happy to see her mom’s emotional compass swing back towards more familiar territory.

  "Is everyone all right?" said Ben.

  "Nearly all accounted for," said Ewan. "It’s certainly been a memorable evening."

  "And making memories is what the wedding day is all about," said Tony.

  "I hope someone took some pictures then," said Ben. "Where’s Jeremy anyway? I’m going to kill him. This is his fault no doubt."

  "Not necessarily," said Michael, stepping forward.

  "Well, what happened then?" said Ben.

  Michael tried to think of a response that wouldn’t involve immortal monks and holy trees and absolutely definitely did not involve a flaming sword of the seraphim.

  "It’s complicated," he said at last.

  "You’re just covering for him," said Ben. "This has his fingerprints all over it."

  "Are my ears burning?" called Clovenhoof, trotting down the path towards them.

  He was closely followed by Nerys and Novice Stephen who seemed to be enjoying each other’s company more than Michael might have expected. Nerys’s dress was in tatters and drenched in a dark liquid.

  "And what have you done to yourself?" demanded Agnes annoyed. "That was a perfectly lovely dress and – oh, my – is that blood?"

  "Don’t worry, mom," said Nerys with a smile. "It’s only mine."

  Agnes staggered.

  "You’re bleeding. Quick! Someone!"

  "I’m fine," said Nerys. "All better now."

  "How?"

  "Shush, mom," said Nerys and kissed her mother.

  With every one of the guests now fully accounted for and no sign of any rescue, the monks began to busily discuss the options for containing the fire.

  "I have to say," said Clovenhoof, "this is easily the best wedding I’ve ever been to."

  "It’s been a disaster," said Ben.

  "Oh, that’s just a matter of perspective," Clovenhoof grinned.

  Michael walked down to the surf, out of earshot of the rest of the guests. He looked up at the sky. The stars were tiny pinpricks of light against the black. He picked one at random.

  "Lord, creator of all," he said. "My friends are safe and whole. Thank you."

  The speck of light twinkled at Michael.

  "Oh, I see your hand in all things, Lord. My faith in you is without measure."

  The light seemed to grow slightly, prompting more from Michael.

  "And, Lord, I have listened and I have looked. I’ve sought your guidance and the opportunity to show my worth to you. I have accepted the trials you’ve placed at my feet. Human life is a mystery, a beautiful and insane mystery. But I have tried, haven’t I? And I’ve done good. And some bad. But mostly good, wouldn’t you say?"

  The light continued to grow, white and actinic. It was no illusion.

  Michael frowned.

  "Really? So, have I done everything you wanted? Are you happy now?"

  There was no reply but the light grew further and the wind became stronger.

  "Do you want to take me back?" said Michael, not sure if it was something he himself wanted anymore. "Really?"

  The light swelled to an enormous size, casting its illumination across the entire beach. The wind became a howl, like a holy choir of roaring beasts. Many guests pointed as the wind whipped up sand across the beach and threw dresses and hats into disarray.

  "Er, Lord?"

  The yellow RAF rescue helicopter swept overhead and then banked round to bring its search light to bear on the beach once more.

  "Oh," said Michael.

  Clovenhoof slapped Michael on the back with such force, his lungs rattled.

  "God flies a helicopter, does he?" he grinned.

  "I just thought…"

  Clovenhoof laughed.

  "You are a gullible twat."

  Michael gave him a penetrating look.

  "And I beat you. I threw you down in the war. If I’m a gullible twat, what does that make you?"

  Clovenhoof sighed amiably.

  "You can’t keep living on past glories, pigeon-wings. That’s just sad."

  Michael’s phone beeped. He took it out of his pocket.

  There was his daily prediction from G-Sez on the screen and, shown in a corner icon, an incoming call from Andy.

  Michael answered, putting his finger in his free ear to mute the sound of the rescue helicopter.

  "Hi," he shouted. "Yes. Still at the wedding. No, that’s a helicopter. A helicopter. Yes, it has been quite a spectacular wedding. But we should be back tomorrow." Michael smiled broadly as Andy spoke. "Yeah, me too. Seriously. No, it’s not the wine talking."

  A thought crossed Michael’s mind. When then is my hope? Will we descend together into the dust? There were worse things for two people to do together. In fact, he couldn’t think of anything he’d rather do.

  "Well, how about dinner on Friday? My place. I’ll cook. Yes, I can cook. I’m not just a pretty face, you know. Sure. Bye."

  Michael hung up.

  "Your boyfriend," said Clovenhoof, "is really very short. Have you noticed that he’s really, really small?"

  "Not where it counts," said Michael.

  "Oh, you mean spiritually," said Clovenhoof in a silly, mocking voice.

  "Nope," said Michael happily and dialled his home number.

  "Hello, Michael," said the smooth computer voice.

  "Little G," said the former archangel. "What’s our food situation looking like?"

  "The fridge and freezer are fully stocked for your return tomorrow. You will need fresh milk. Shall I order some?"

  "Please. I’ve also got Andy coming over for dinner on Friday. I want to make something special."

  "What shall I order?" asked Little G.
>
  "Oh, you decide," said Michael. "I have total faith in you."

  Seeing Stephen go off to chat to his fellow monks, Ben sidled up to Nerys.

  "Do you know, a certain thought has only just occurred to me," he said.

  "That you’re going to have to spend your wedding night, once we get back, in a hammock in dad’s shed?"

  "No."

  "That your wedding cake is now a smouldering cinder, the bride and groom reduced to puddles of wax?"

  "No."

  "What then?"

  "We’re related," said Ben with a broad smile.

  Nerys considered him and his statement at length.

  "What?" she said.

  "You’re my sister-in-law. I’m your brother-in-law."

  Nerys pulled a face.

  "Not blood relatives, Ben."

  "What God has joined together, let no man strike asunder," he countered. "You and me, sis. We’re family."

  "Oh, goody," said Nerys faintly.

  "And as your younger brother –"

  "Younger?" she squeaked crossly.

  "As your only brother it behoves me to ask the question: is it true that you shagged a monk?"

  Nerys humphed.

  "Because that’s another category you can tick off in your book of ‘Men I’ve Done It With,’" he said.

  Nerys growled.

  "Okay, bro, listen up. One, Stephen wasn’t a monk when we were… intimate. Two, I do not have a book of ‘Men I’ve Done It With.’"

  "Yes, you have. Jeremy showed me."

  "Fine. But ‘monk’ is not on my To Do list."

  "Oh," said Ben, turning his head to gaze at the helicopter hovering above the monastery. "I bet RAF rescue pilot is."

  "Well, of course it –" She stopped and looked at him suspiciously. "Is that some sort of challenge?"

  He shrugged.

  "Whatever makes you happy, sis."

  Stephen saw Brother Manfred holding an unhappy bundle in his arms. At first glance, it appeared to be an oven-ready turkey. On closer inspection it turned out be a sorrowful peacock, seemingly unharmed but for the savage charring of its once fine plumage. Stinking of smoke and apple schnapps, Barry the peacock tried to preen and rearrange feathers that were no longer there.