Clovenhoof 02 Pigeonwings
Page 37
"There, there," said Brother Manfred kindly and stroked the bird’s head. Barry did not resist the monk’s gentle ministrations.
"I did it," said Stephen.
"Did what?" said Manfred.
"Spoke to the horse. Metaphorically speaking," said Stephen, gesturing to where Nerys stood. "Gave it a sugar lump. Made friends."
"And are you getting back on the horse?" asked Manfred, mild concern in his voice.
"No. My riding days are behind me. This is my life." And he turned to face the burning monastery, which a line of monks with buckets of water was singularly failing to save from the flames. "That’s if there will be a St Cadfan’s by tomorrow morning."
Manfred smiled, the singed edges of his moustache twitching, and patted Barry.
"Peacocks are hardy birds," he said. "You know that the early Christians thought their flesh was like that of the saints, incorruptible and free from rot."
"I did not."
"Barry will survive. Sure, he is a little toasty and fire-damaged but he will pull through. So will St Cadfan’s."
"And with the money we will get from the insurers," said Sebastian, joining them, "we will be able to rebuild. Bigger and better. Those tapestries were insured for millions."
"Maybe I can make some new tapestries," said Manfred, hopefully.
"Why not?" said Sebastian. "We’ll hang them in the lobby of the St Cadfan’s Day Spa and Conference Centre."
"The what?" said Stephen.
"Don’t make your judgements until you’ve heard me out, boys," said Sebastian. "This will be an absolute money-spinner."
"Do you believe in Providence?" said Michael.
"What?" said Clovenhoof, casually flinging stones out into the dark sea. "God’s invisible hand guiding us through life? Absolutely. He’s a fucking meddler."
"I was just thinking, if you hadn’t accidentally phoned Jayne on Molly’s phone, she would never have come to Birmingham and met Ben, and we wouldn’t have come to Wales. And if Nerys hadn’t accidentally put those mushrooms in those quiches, I wouldn’t have eaten one and swam out to this island."
"And what are the odds of you writing a phone app that could genuinely predict the future?" put in Clovenhoof.
"Exactly. I thought the Almighty had abandoned me but I was wrong. He’s been with me every step of the way. Do you think this is what He wanted all along?"
"Cain was a batshit crazy arsehole. He needed stopping."
"Can you imagine what it must have been like for Abel to suffer him all these years?" said Michael.
"Gee," said Clovenhoof. "An immortal trapped on a hostile earth, with only his bitter rival, his nemesis, for company through the long dark centuries? I think I can imagine what that would be like."
"I’m not your nemesis," said Michael.
"You’ll do until a decent one comes along." He spun another stone into the night. "You know, the Other Guy isn’t going to take you back. We’re stuck with each other."
"For eternity?"
"Or something that feels very much like it."
Michael shrugged.
"Fine. An eternity in which to redeem you."
"You mean an eternity in which to utterly corrupt you."
"Ha! As if."
"Want to bet?" said Clovenhoof.
Michael stuck out his hand and they shook.
"Bring it on."
The End
Bardsey – Authors’ note
Although Pigeonwings is a work of fiction, Bardsey Island, ‘the island of twenty thousand saints’, or to give it its proper Welsh name, Ynys Enlli, is quite real. It lies only two miles off the Welsh coast although some days, as we discovered, those treacherous two miles might as well be twenty thousand.
St Cadfan founded a monastery on the island at some point in the sixth century. Having said that, there were also two saints, Veracius and Senacus, who seemed to have been loitering around on the island some time before St Cadfan got there, although they never got a mention in the St Cadfan story.
The island is home to the Bardsey Apple, which at the time of its discovery in 1998 only grew on one tree on the island, a tree curiously free from any signs of scab, canker or other common diseases. Even though new trees have now been grown from cuttings of the original tree, the Bardsey Apple remains the rarest breed of apple in the world.
The island is linked to the legends of King Arthur and Merlin. Varying sources say that Merlin is buried in a glass casket in a cave beneath the island, lives there still as a hermit or indeed waits there in a magical house of glass. Porth Cadlan, the site of Arthur’s final battle against Mordred is just across the water on the Welsh mainland. Popular accounts of the Arthurian legend say that Arthur’s final resting place is on the Isle of Avalon. Avalon, or Afallon in Welsh, literally means ‘place of apples’.
There is so much about Bardsey that we couldn’t even mention in this novel, partly because of space and partly because it would seem far too outlandish. Yes, of course, we invented stuff about Bardsey for the purpose of our story, but you’d be amazed at what we didn’t make up…
Also from Pigeon Park Press...
Clovenhoof by Heide Goody & Iain Grant
Charged with gross incompetence, Satan is fired from his job as Prince of Hell and exiled to that most terrible of places: English suburbia. Forced to live as a human under the name of Jeremy Clovenhoof, the dark lord not only has to contend with the fact that no one recognises him or gives him the credit he deserves but also has to put up with the bookish wargamer next door and the voracious man-eater upstairs.
Heaven, Hell and the city of Birmingham collide in a story that features murder, heavy metal, cannibalism, armed robbers, devious old ladies, Satanists who live with their mums, gentlemen of limited stature, dead vicars, petty archangels, flamethrowers, sex dolls, a blood-soaked school assembly and way too much alcohol.
Clovenhoof is outrageous and irreverent (and laugh out loud funny!) but it is also filled with huge warmth and humanity. Written by first-time collaborators Heide Goody and Iain Grant, Clovenhoof will have you rooting for the bad guy like never before.
F. Paul Wilson: "Clovenhoof is a delight. A funny, often hilarious romp with a dethroned Satan as he tries to adjust to modern suburbia. The breezy, ironic prose sets a perfect tone. If you need some laughs, here's the remedy."
Buy the book here
Buy the book here (UK)
Godsquad by Heide Goody and Iain Grant
The Team:
Joan of Arc, the armour-plated teen saint of Orleans.
Francis of Assisi, friend to all the animals whether they like it or not.
St Christopher, the patron saint of travel who by papal decree has never existed – no matter how much he argues otherwise.
The Mission: An impossible prayer has been received by Heaven and it’s a prayer that only Mary, Mother of God, can answer. Unfortunately, Mary hasn’t been seen in decades and is off wandering the Earth somewhere. This elite team of Heavenly saints are sent down to Earth to find Mary before Armageddon is unleashed on an unsuspecting world.
Godsquad:
A breathless comedy road trip from Heaven to France and all points in-between featuring murderous butchers, a coachload of Welsh women, flying portaloos, nuclear missiles, giant rubber dragons, an army of dogs, a very rude balloon and way too much French wine.
Godsquad is available from Amazon
US: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00T8GYKKI
UK: http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00T8GYKKI
Hellzapoppin' by Heide Goody and Iain Grant
Life at St Cadfan’s is never dull. There’s the cellar full of unexplained corpses. There’s the struggle to find food when the island is placed under quarantine. And there’s that peculiar staircase in the cellar…
Being a demon in Hell has its own problems. There’s the increasingly impossible torture quotas to meet. There’s the entire horde of Hell waiting for you to slip up and make a mistake. And there’s that weird staircase
in the service tunnels…
Brother Stephen of St Cadfan’s and Rutpsud of the Sixth Circle, natural enemies and the most unnatural of friends, join forces to solve a murder mystery, save a rare species from extinction and stop Hell itself exploding.
The fourth novel in the Clovenhoof series, Hellzapoppin’ is an astonishing comedy featuring suicidal sea birds, deadly plagues, exploding barbecues, dancing rats, magical wardrobes, King Arthur’s American descendants, mole-hunting monks, demonic possession and way too much seaweed beer.
Hellzapoppin' is available from Amazon
US: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0134M97MC
UK: http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0134M97MC
If you want to hear about new releases, sign up for Heide & Iain's very occasional newsletter here: http://pigeonparkpress.com/
Book five in the Clovenhoof series Beelzebelle will be available in early 2016.
About the authors
Heide and Iain are married, but not to each other.
Heide lives in North Warwickshire with her husband and children.
Iain lives in south Birmingham with his wife and two daughters.
Heide Goody and Iain Grant are co-authors of Clovenhoof, the original best-selling novel featuring Satan, the Archangel Michael and the lovely people of Sutton Coldfield. They have each published solo works (available from Amazon) but seem to spend much of their time these days at festivals and workshops, explaining how two people can write a novel together and how much fun it really is.
Acknowledgements and Thanks
To our test-readers Helen Allen, Sarah Bowen, Simon Fairbanks, Danielle Green, Mat Joiner, Bernie Sorga-Millwood, Martin Sullivan and Rachel Wake who helped coax the plot into line, remove the unnecessary and spruce up the funny stuff.
To Martin Sullivan for his beautiful cover artwork and Simon Fairbanks for being Michael’s body-double.
To Mary Chitty, whose passionately researched two-part history, The Monks on Ynys Enlli, helped us answer many niggling questions.
To Klaus Rehr, not only the finest B&B owner on the Llyn Peninsula but also a one-man tourist board for the region.
And, as always, to our significantly better halves, Simon and Amanda, for putting up with us and our ever-expanding cast of imaginary friends.
Table of Contents
Pigeonwings
Chapter 1 – In which Molly speaks from beyond the grave and Michael tries to put off the inevitable.
Chapter 2 - In which Jayne arrives in Birmingham and Molly makes her last trip to the supermarket.
Chapter 3 – In which Michael searches for truth and Nerys and Jayne search for real men.
Chapter 4 – In which Michael's world gets complicated
Chapter 5 – In which a flat goes up for sale and Michael gets in touch with his inner owl.
Chapter 6 – In which Michael discovers Pot Noodles and the last resting place of Joseph of Arimathea
Chapter 7 – In which a question is popped and Clovenhoof is utterly (well, mostly) blameless
Chapter 8 – In which Ben and Jayne make a splash
Chapter 9 - In which stags and hens celebrate
Chapter 10 – In which a wedding takes place
Chapter 11 - In which discoveries are made and Michael finds some lost property
Chapter 12 - In which immortals meet, a fire is started and an apple is eaten.
Bardsey – Authors’ note
Clovenhoof by Heide Goody & Iain Grant
Godsquad by Heide Goody and Iain Grant
Hellzapoppin' by Heide Goody and Iain Grant
About the authors
Acknowledgements and Thanks