Home is Where You Are

by Marie, Tessa

  “We’ve already talked about me. Let’s talk about you.”

  I shrug. “Not much to talk about.”

  “I find that hard to believe. What about your tattoo?”

  “So you were checking me out in the bathroom,” I say jokingly, but really I just want the subject off of me. The last thing I want is to talk about my tattoo.

  Red creeps up her neck and into her cheeks, but she recovers quickly. “I was not! Besides, there wasn’t much to look at anyway.”

  “Is that so?” I raise my eyebrows, waiting for her response.

  “Yes, and stop trying to change the subject. I have a 4.0 and I can see right through your bull.”

  “4.0, now that’s impressive. How’d you manage that?”

  “A lot of hard work. I study a lot so I don’t really have time to do much of anything else.”

  I start laughing.

  “What are you laughing at? Is it because I’m a loser and don’t have an active social life? Or that I spend my time reading books instead of getting drunk at parties?”

  “Neither. I’m laughing because you just told me you have a 4.0 and because of that I can’t get you to go off topic, but you just went off topic. Completely off topic. But please don’t let me stop you. Keep going.” I lean back in the chair and rest my hands behind my head.

  “Are you always this obnoxious?”

  “Only around you.”

  Her lips begin to form a thin line and if I keep it up I’ll be walking on thin ice. It’s tempting.

  “I got the tattoo two years ago,” I say.

  “Wait…how old are you?” she asks, tilting her head slightly.

  “Seventeen.”

  “But, how?”

  “I knew a guy, and he was just starting out. If you let him practice on you, he wouldn’t charge you. Lucky for me he was getting pretty damn good by the time I went to him. He did it in the basement of his house.” I chuckle as her eyes widen. “He used clean needles. I watched him take them out of the bag. He disinfected everything, and now he has his own shop.”

  “Did it hurt?”

  “No, Preppy. It didn’t hurt.” A little. It was more uncomfortable than anything else. “Kind of felt like something scratching at me. No big deal though.”

  “I don’t think I could do it. My threshold for pain is low. I cry if I stub my toe.”

  “Just as well because you wouldn’t be able to pull one off.”

  “And why not?” Her eyes narrow. She folds her arms across her chest and I swear if she was standing she would stomp her foot.

  I wasn’t expecting her to get so mad. I meant it in a good way. “Just because I’m not a badass like you doesn’t mean I couldn’t pull one off.”

  I think of Wanda and her butterfly tattoo and try to picture Anna with something marking up her perfect skin.

  “It’s not that you couldn’t pull it off, because actually you probably could, but why would you want to? You’re perfect the way you are.” I say the words before I have the chance to stop myself from letting her know what I truly think about her.

  Her cheeks redden, and she tucks a piece of her hair behind her ear.

  “Shouldn’t you be serving people?” This is my sad attempt at trying to do damage control. The line I was scared to walk, the line I knew I shouldn’t be walking, well, because of my comment, is now a tight rope.

  “Oh, um, Barney has it under control.”

  I’m assuming Barney is the one with the purple button-up shirt. He looks like a Barney.

  “Do you want to go somewhere else?”

  Well that came out of left field.

  “Can’t. I have to be somewhere.” It’s not like I’m lying, completely. I do have to try and get into the Y. It’s fucking cold out there, and I don’t want to get stuck sleeping outside.

  “Oh.” I hate the disappointed look in her eyes. I feel this overwhelming urge to make it go away.

  “But I’ll be back here Wednesday,” I say, and her face lights up.

  “Me too.”

  “Okay, I’ll see you then.” I take my plate and stand. “It’s a date.”

  And when she smiles, I take that as my cue to leave.

  Katie and I still aren’t talking. I haven’t seen her once at school. Technically, that just means she’s ditching, which for her is normal, but I’m looking at it as her way of avoiding me.

  My mother, however, is very present this morning.

  I come downstairs like I do every morning, not expecting to find my mother at the kitchen counter. Lately she’s been MIA, telling me she has a big show coming up. Whatever. Spare me the lame excuses. When I get downstairs and pour myself a bowl of cereal she starts with the questions.

  “I noticed all the leaves in bags at the curb. What made you decide to rake?”

  As if I would tell her the truth. Besides it took her almost a day and a half to notice. “I was bored. Katie was babysitting. It gave me something to do.”

  “And who was that boy helping you?”

  “Excuse me?” Does she have cameras set up around the house I don’t know about?

  “Mr. Higgins told me he saw you with a young man.” Mr. Higgins is the type of person who would hold a cup to a door just to hear a conversation. I’m sure he was spying on us through one of his windows. Creepy old man. “He’s just a guy from school.” If Katie couldn’t handle the truth, there’s no way in hell Mom can.

  Mom lives in a bubble. Anything bad bounces off her exterior. She hasn’t always been this way and recently it’s only gotten worse, especially after Seth moved. He doesn’t even come home for the holidays anymore.

  I don’t hold it against him. But I do miss him.

  “Mr. Higgins told me he came inside the house with you.” Of course he did. Why wouldn’t Mr. Higgins tell Mom I’m luring boys into our house?

  “Why don’t you tell Mr. Higgins to mind his business?”

  “Honey, he’s just doing what I asked him to do.”

  “Spy on me?”

  “I wouldn’t call it spying, just keeping an eye on you.”

  My hands clench at my sides. The skin on my face burns as she continues to sit on her stool and act as if spying on me is perfectly normal. “You’re unbelievable!”

  “Honey, I didn’t mean for you to get all upset. It’s just you’re still young and when I can’t be here, I want to know you’re okay. Mr. Higgins has my numbers in case of an emergency and fills me in on things I need to know.”

  Can’t be here. She chooses not to be here. All the pain I’ve felt as Mom continued to push herself out of my life finally boils over.

  “Maybe you wouldn’t need someone to fill you in on your daughter’s life if you spent time at home.”

  “Don’t take that tone with me.”

  “Why not? Because you won’t be able to pretend everything is okay? You won’t be able to throw yourself into your work and forget about your life? You can’t keep hiding from the truth.”

  “I am your mother. That’s why.”

  “Then fucking act like it.” The words slip before I can stop them. Never in my life have I cursed in front of my mother, let alone at her. Anger builds in her eyes, and as sick as it sounds, I’m thrilled. I’ve been trying to get her to show emotion for years and always came up empty. Now, she looks like she wants to rip my head off, and I couldn’t be happier.

  “What did you just say to me?” she asks, hands on her hips, eyes wide.

  “You heard me.”

  “No boys in the house when I’m not home. End of conversation.”

  “So, in other words, never.”

  “I said end of conversation.” Mom walks out of the kitchen to hide in her bedroom. So not only is Katie not talking to me, but now neither is my mom. At least tonight I’ll have Barney and Stan. And Dean.

  ***

  Once school is out I don’t want to go home, in fear Mom will be there. I should be happy she actually cares. But I don’t like the fact she doesn’t trust me. I
’ve never done anything for her to have any doubts about my decision making.

  Unfortunately, I have no choice but to go home. I need to clean up because I’m seeing Dean tonight for our “date.”

  Mom isn’t home. Surprise. Surprise. As soon as I get out of the car I see Higgins peek through his blinds. Instead of acting like I don’t see him, I wave. That’s right old man, I know you’re there. It may not make a difference to him, but it makes me feel better. Once I wave, he lets go of the blinds and disappears.

  Since I have a couple hours to kill, I heat up a frozen pizza. Then I freshen up, slipping into my favorite skinny jeans. I want to wear my pearl earrings because they’d go awesome with my simple—yet totally does wonders for my figure—grey cardigan, and as I dig through my bag for them my planner tumbles out onto my foot.

  I open it, flipping the pages until I’m on today’s date. In red capital letters, right beneath my reminder to send out article due dates to the rest of the paper, are the words STUDY!!! What do I have to study for? I flip to tomorrow’s schedule. Oh shit! I have a test in U.S. Government. How did I forget?

  I have to study tonight. Maybe if Dean doesn’t show up early, I can get some studying in. I throw my book and notebook in my oversized black slouch bag. I can always pull an all-nighter.

  Barney and Stan are unfolding chairs when I walk in. We have permission from the church to use their cafeteria, but we have to take the chairs out ourselves and put them away before we close up for the night. Barney usually has the newer volunteers do that job. He hasn’t had any of them start yet. Next week.

  Oh shoot. I forgot to ask Barney about Susie. I add it to my mental check list.

  “Hey guys,” I say and drop my bag in the back.

  “Hello, Anna,” Stan says, waving a serving spoon.

  “We were just talking about you,” Barney says with a suspicious look.

  I hip check him. “Oh really? What about?”

  “Since Stan is behind the scenes most of the time, I was just filling him in on what he has missed.”

  “And what exactly has he missed?”

  “You and a certain boy getting very chatty.”

  I bite my bottom lip. “Oh. Me and Dean.”

  “You know his name?” Barney looks to Stan, raising his eyebrow then they both turn to me with hands on their hips.

  “Yes, I know his name. So what?”

  “You know, Barney and I have been in this field of work for a long time.”

  I nod and prepare myself for another lecture which probably won’t be as severe as Katie’s.

  “Proceed with caution that’s all. You don’t know Dean’s past. You don’t know if he’s one of the good ones or not.”

  “Dean’s not like that. He’s just been dealt a bad hand.” At least I assume that’s the case. I still can’t get him to tell me the whole story. “He’s a really nice guy. I’m keeping my guard up so you have nothing to worry about.”

  Barney and Stan look at each other for what feels like forever. It’s almost as if they’re having a silent conversation.

  “We just worry about you,” Barney says, resting his hand on my shoulder.

  “You’re our Anna,” Stan says.

  “I love you guys.” As soon as I let the words out, they take me into a bear hug. This is the reaction I was hoping I’d get from Katie. Concerned, yet sympathetic and caring.

  When it’s time to open, I take my usual position by the plates. I have my notebook hidden behind the basket of dinner rolls. Multitasking has always been easy for me. I got it completely under control.

  I take my old approach to passing out plates. I don’t make eye contact, trying to avoid small talk and focus on my textbook.

  “Are you too good to talk to me all of a sudden?”

  “Huh?” The plate I was about to hand over smacks the edge of the stack and crashes to the floor. Oops. The amusement on Dean’s face makes it much more embarrassing.

  He bends down and picks up the pieces. I run around the counter and kneel down beside him.

  “Please don’t. I dropped it. I’ll clean it up.”

  “Can you stop resisting help for once?” When I look into his eyes, the embarrassment fades, sending the butterflies in my stomach into a free for all.

  “Is everything okay over?” Barney asks, crouching down beside us and taking me out of my trance.

  “Yeah. I’m just a klutz. I shouldn’t be trying to multitask.”

  “We love you anyway.” He extends his hand to Dean. “By the way, I’m Barney.”

  “Dean.” I’m almost jealous he offers his hand and an introduction so easily. It took me two days and countless banter to get him to tell me his name.

  Barney holds out a garbage bag, and I toss the broken pieces in.

  “Anna, why don’t you take a study break?” Barney suggests, standing with the bag in his hand. “Stan’s done cooking in the kitchen. He can help with the plates.”

  “Are you sure? I didn’t mean to break the plate. It was an accident. I swear,” I ramble as I stand too.

  “I know.” He winks at me. “It was nice meeting you, Dean.”

  I turn to Dean. “Thanks for helping. I thought I could study and work at the same time, but apparently I was wrong.”

  “What are you studying?” he asks, adjusting the straps of his backpack.

  “I forgot I have a test in my U.S. Government class tomorrow.”

  “Well, you have to study then. Don’t want to go messing up that 4.0 of yours, Preppy. Let me grab some food and you can sit with me and study.”

  “Are you sure? I thought maybe you’d want to talk or something.” I bat my eyes away from him when I realize how corny that sounds.

  “I was thinking I could study with you.”

  “What are you studying for?”

  “My GED.”

  “Oh! I can help you,” I say a little too overly excited.

  “Let’s get you on track first and then we’ll worry about me.”

  For a second I just stare at him. He gets me. Katie would take this as an opportunity to convince me to blow off studying. I bite my cheek to hide the smile.

  “Grab a seat,” he says with the cutest grin. Slowly he reaches around me and grabs a plate. “I’ll get my own.” I roll my eyes and regardless of the hold my teeth have on my cheek I can’t help the giggle that slips.

  Lucille waves to me and I wave back, feeling guilty for not noticing her when she was in line.

  Dean sits, and Barney and Stan look at us then have one of their silent conversations. I can only imagine what they’re “not saying.”

  “So what exactly are we studying?” Dean reaches for my notebook.

  “The Origins of the American Government. Exciting I know.”

  “It is. Why don’t you tell me what you know and then you can see where you need to focus your studying on.”

  I tell him about the colonies, the Articles of Confederation and the founding fathers. Afterwards I go back and focus on the information I have a hard time recalling.

  Time passes way too fast. We never get a chance to cover the topics Dean needs to work on for his GED.

  ***

  I’m off from the soup kitchen today so Dean and I plan to meet at the library to study, something we’ve done together every night since he helped me with that US Government Exam. Usually it’s at the soup kitchen, and I’m happy for a change of scenery and to be away from Barney and Stan’s watchful eyes.

  Yesterday, after Dean and I parted ways, I stopped at the store to browse. Mom’s been home and I haven’t really felt like dealing with her. I wasn’t exactly looking for something for Dean, but when I stumbled upon the outerwear accessories for guys, I couldn’t help but look around.

  I bought him a pair of water and wind resistant, fleece lined gloves, and of course, a matching black fleece scarf.

  He finally told me he stays at the Y. He also told me he has to be entered into a lottery, though he never tells me if he gets i
n or not. So at night while I’m tucked away in my bed, I’m wondering if he’s warm and safe inside the Y, or freezing and vulnerable outside.

  The couple of times we met at the library we met in the archway. It’s become our spot.

  We have a spot.

  I’ve never had a spot with anyone.

  Dean is there with his foot against the arch. As usual, his hood is pulled up, giving him that hot mysterious look. The corners of my lips tug as soon as I see him.

  “Hey,” I say trying to keep the blushing to a minimum.

  “Did you get your test back?”

  “Got it back today.”

  “And?” he holds his hands out as he waits for my answer.

  “I aced it.”

  A slow smile spreads across his face. If I’m not mistaken, he looks proud of me. “I told you.”

  I was so sure I goofed on a few of the answers. Dean, though, insisted I knew the material inside and out. “I even got the bonus question.”

  “You got all seven key founding fathers?”

  “I did!”

  A whirlwind of happiness engulfs me as he pushes his body off the arch and takes me in his strong arms, spinning me around. An unexpected giggle slips from my lips, and my fingers grip his shoulders before he places me back down.

  He rests his finger under my chin and tilts my head up. “I never doubted you,” he says and heat creeps up my cheeks. His hand falls from my face and he wraps his arm around my shoulders. “Come on, let’s go inside.”

  We walk through the sliding glass door, head to the table where I so boldly approached him, and take our usual seats across from each other.

  I want to give him the gloves and scarf so bad, but I decide to hold off. I want it to be special. Wait for the perfect moment.

  He pulls out the GED book and I take out my calculus book. I don’t have any tests to study for, but I do have homework. If I get it out of the way, maybe I can make plans with him. That is, if he’d want to do something with me. Why wouldn’t he? We’ve gotten together every day this week to study.

  “Your friend talking to you yet?” he asks. I told him about Katie, but left out the details. He doesn’t need to know the fight was technically about him.

  “No. We’ve had our disagreements in the past, but nothing like this. It’s stupid really. Neither of us is willing to swallow our pride and approach the other.” I shrug and swipe my overgrown bangs back into place. “Not like I really could if I wanted to. She’s barely been at school all week. It’s Friday and I think I’ve seen her in the halls once. I’m sure she’ll come around though.” I run my fingers back through my hair then turn my attention down to my book.