All Things Considered

by Debbie Macomber

  Lanni’s heart leaped to her throat. Almost immediately she recognized the action as spontaneous—one Judd did without thought. For days he’d gone to lengths to avoid touching her, and it felt incredibly right to have him hold her now. She wanted to comment to say something but feared any sound would shatter this spell. She yearned for his touch like a weak flower longs for the life-giving rays of the sun and the nourishment of cool water.

  Heaven and earth couldn’t have stopped Judd. He lowered his lips to hers, kissing her hungrily. He wondered if life could possibly be half as sweet as this moment with her.

  Lanni felt his kiss throughout her body. It rocked her, leaving her yearning for more. Her heart swelled with remembered love. Her arms held him close, wanting to bind him to her for all time.

  When he broke off the kiss his smile was filled with satisfaction. Lanni was velvet. Satin and silk. And he loved her. Dear sweet heaven, he loved her until there was nothing in all the world but her.

  Releasing a huge sigh, he held her to him and closed his eyes. The need to hold and touch her was becoming as much a part of him as breathing. He was a man of his word, and it was increasingly difficult to keep his promise not to touch her. Already he’d broken it several times. The desire to lift her into his arms and carry her up the stairs to the bedroom was almost unbearable.

  Lanni went still, savoring the welcome feel of his arms around her. She closed her eyes, wanting this moment to last, knowing it wouldn’t. With everything that was in her, she battled down her weakness for Judd. There was something seductive with this ranch, this land, and being with Judd. It almost made her believe there was nothing they couldn’t overcome. Maybe it was Stuart, who was working so hard to fill her head with promises of a new life with Judd on the Circle M. She didn’t know, but she couldn’t give in to these sensations—she couldn’t.

  Awkwardly, Judd dropped his arms.

  Still shaken by the encounter, Lanni turned back to the mixing bowl, focusing her attention on the cake once again. “Are you hungry?” The feeble sound of her own voice bounced off the empty kitchen walls.

  “Starved.” But Judd wasn’t referring to food. He felt empty, with a physical ache that attacked with a ferocity that left him weak.

  He walked over to the sink and turned on the tap.

  “There’s some leftovers from lunch,” Lanni told him, striving to keep her voice even. On the off chance he’d be in later and hungry, Lanni had fixed a couple of extra sandwiches. She brought them to the table with a tall glass of milk and some cookies.

  Drying his hands on a towel, Judd tossed it back onto the wire rack and joined her at the table. The sight of the meal produced an appreciative grin. “Is Jenny sleeping?” he asked, seeking protection in the subject of their daughter.

  Seeing Lanni working in the kitchen was having a strange effect on him. It’d cost him a great deal to release her. Every male instinct demanded that he haul her into his arms and make love to her then and there. As much as possible, he ignored the powerful pull of his desire.

  Lanni paused to check her wristwatch. “She’ll be up anytime now.” She hoped the information would cause Judd to linger a bit longer.

  “Where’s Stuart?”

  “He left sometime after noon.”

  “Did he say where he was going?” Judd wolfed down another bite of the sandwich as he waited for her response.

  She shook her head sadly. With his plans for the Peterman house thwarted, Stuart had been uncommunicative from the moment Judd had left with the rehired foreman. Even Jenny had been unable to bring her grandfather out of his dark mood.

  A worried frown knit Judd’s brow as he pushed aside his plate. His mouth thinned with irritation. “I wonder what Stuart’s up to now.”

  “I have no idea.” Lanni braced her hands against the back of the chair, studying Judd. She knew he was concerned about his father, but nonetheless Judd looked happy. More alive than she could ever remember seeing him. Content.

  “I spent most of the early afternoon on the range with Jim.” He paused to swallow some milk. “The herd’s depleted, but with care it can be built up again.” His expression relaxed as he told her about a cattle sale coming up at the beginning of next week. “Jim seems to feel that with the purchase of a few head of cattle we could be back in business again by the end of next year.”

  “That soon?”

  Between cookies, Judd nodded. “Maybe even sooner.”

  “Wonderful.” She could hear the excitement and anticipation in his voice. Both caught her by surprise. Judd was speaking as if he planned to be around to see the task to completion.

  “It’s expensive, Lanni. Damned expensive.”

  She nodded as if she understood everything there was to know about stocking herd for a cattle ranch. Her expertise was limited to real estate transactions, and she knew little about ranching. For the first time since she’d known him, Judd was truly serene.

  He stopped and gazed out the kitchen window. “This land was made for ranching. Look at it out there—those rolling hills are full of sweet grass.”

  “It is beautiful,” Lanni agreed. To her surprise, she found she enjoyed the peace and solitude of the Circle M. Montana, with its wide blue sky, held an appeal that Lanni hadn’t expected to feel.

  “The whole state is like this.” At least staring out the window helped him keep his eyes off her. He’d forgotten how beautiful she was. How enticing. How alluring. He felt good all the way to his soul. For the first time in years he was at peace with himself and the world. Working with Jim, riding side by side with the other man, had awakened in him his deep abiding love for the Circle M and Montana.

  When he’d left all those years ago, Judd had closed his mind to the ranch. Now he was here and it seemed that everything was falling into place for the first time in a while.

  * * *

  —

  Judd worked with Jim long past dinnertime. He’d told Lanni that with so much that needed to be done, she shouldn’t hold up the evening meal for him. He felt guilty leaving her alone to deal with Jenny and Stuart, but the demands of the Circle M were equally urgent.

  Wearily, Judd walked toward the house. The light beaming from the kitchen window gave him a comfortable feeling. He suspected Lanni would be waiting for him, and the knowledge brought a sense of contentment. His body ached from the physical demand of ranching. It’d been years since he’d been on the back of a horse. His muscles protested the long hours in the saddle, and as he sauntered toward the house, he rubbed the lower region of his back where a sharp pain had developed.

  The kitchen was empty, and Judd was disappointed. In his mind he’d hoped to have a few tender moments alone with Lanni. He fought back the image of her asleep in bed and what would happen if he were to slip in beside her and turn her warm body into his arms. Judd groaned. The sudden physical ache of his body far surpassed any strain from riding a horse or mending fences.

  The clock over the kitchen doorway told him it was far later than he’d thought. Lanni would be asleep by now, and the way he was feeling tonight, it was probably for the best.

  Upon further inspection, he found a plate covered with foil left warming in the oven. He smiled, grateful for her thoughtfulness, and wondered if she’d thought about him the way he’d been thinking about her all afternoon.

  He ate slowly, savoring the fried-chicken dinner. When he finished, he rinsed his plate and set it aside in the sink.

  The house was quiet as Judd turned off the light and headed for the stairway that led to the upstairs bedroom.

  “So you’re home.” The voice came out of the dark. It took Judd an instant to realize that his father was sitting alone in the moonlight, waiting for him.

  “Did you think I’d left?”

  “It wouldn’t be unheard of.”

  The blunt response briefly angered Ju
dd. “Well, I didn’t.”

  “So I see. I suppose I should be grateful.”

  “I’m not leaving. Not until I know the reason you called me home.”

  “You know why. I want you here; it’s where you belong, where you’ve always belonged,” Stuart’s raised voice returned, with a sharp edge that invited an angry response.

  Judd expelled a sigh. There was always tension between him and his father. They couldn’t have a civil conversation without pride interfering and old wounds festering back to life. It was on the tip of Judd’s tongue to argue with Stuart, to remind him that the letter he’d sent contained a different message. The stark words had asked him to bring Jenny to the ranch. Stuart hadn’t asked to see him—only Jenny.

  Judd sighed. One of them had to make the first move, and Judd decided it would have to be him. He claimed an overstuffed chair and sat in the dark across from his father.

  “She does resemble Mother, doesn’t she?” There wasn’t any need for Judd to mention who he was talking about.

  “Lanni sent me pictures and each year I recognized it more and more.”

  His mother remained only a foggy memory in Judd’s mind. He wasn’t sure that he remembered her at all. Betty had told him about Lydia when he was younger, and Judd wondered if he confused his memory with the information Betty had given him.

  “Jenny belongs with me just as Lydia did.”

  “Jenny belongs with her mother,” Judd said softly.

  “If you’d patch things up with Lanni, then you could all stay. Fix it, boy, and hurry, before you lose her to that city slicker.”

  “City slicker?” As far as Judd knew, Lanni had never left the ranch.

  “That Delaney fellow. He phoned twice before you arrived and once since.” Stuart’s tone lowered with displeasure. “Lanni doesn’t know, and I’m not telling her. You’re going to lose her unless you do something and quick. I’m not going to be able to hold this fellow off much longer. Next time he calls, Lanni could answer the phone.”

  Judd felt the weight of the world settle over his shoulders. “It’s too late for Lanni and me.”

  “You can’t mean that. I’ve seen the way you look at each other. You’re still in love with her, and if both of you weren’t so stubborn you’d see that she loves you as well.”

  The urgency in the old man’s voice shook Judd.

  “You’re the only one who can convince them to stay.”

  Judd couldn’t do that, but telling Stuart as much was a different matter. “I’ll do what I can,” he said after a long minute.

  The words appeared to appease Stuart. “Good.”

  Judd relaxed in the chair, crossing his legs. This talk wasn’t much, but it was a beginning. “Jim and I were out on the back hundred this afternoon.”

  “That’s a good place to start—been needing attention a couple of years now.”

  Judd welcomed the cover of darkness that cloaked the living room. So Steve had been trying to contact Lanni, and he’d bet it didn’t have anything to do with business matters, either. Judd’s fingers gripped the chair’s thick arms as he concentrated on what his father was saying. “When did you stop caring about the ranch?”

  Stuart snorted. “Last year sometime. I haven’t the energy for it anymore.”

  From the run-down condition of the place, Judd knew his father was speaking the truth. “Jim and I are here now,” Judd said. He knew his father expected a tirade, but for once he didn’t want to argue with the old man. Tonight he yearned to pretend that they were like other fathers and sons who communicated freely about the things they loved most.

  “I’m not overly pleased that you brought the Petermans back,” Stuart added thoughtfully. “Now that you and Lanni are here, I don’t need them anymore.”

  “Perhaps not, but they need you.”

  The truth silenced Stuart for a moment. “I wanted the house for the three of you.”

  “Dad,” Judd said with a sigh, “listen to me. Lanni and Jenny aren’t going to live here. The divorce papers are already signed. The only life Lanni knows is in the city.”

  “Divorce papers,” he echoed, shaken. “You’re divorced?”

  “Not officially. Once she’s back in Seattle, Lanni will need to file the papers before it’s official.”

  “Then do something, boy. Do it now before it’s too late.” The desperate appeal in Stuart’s voice ripped at Judd’s heart. “I lost Lydia because of my pride. Don’t make the same mistake I did. You’ll regret it, I swear you will; all your life it’ll haunt you.”

  Judd came to his feet. “I can’t change the past for you. Lanni asked for the divorce—not me. It’s what she wants.”

  “I’d bet the Circle M that it was that city slicker who talked Lanni into this divorce thing.”

  Judd’s fists knotted, but he held his tongue. “I’m going to bed,” Judd said.

  “But not to sleep, I’d wager.”

  Stuart’s words followed Judd to the top of the stairs. Inside the darkness of his room, he sagged onto the bed, sitting on the edge of the mattress. He was tired, weary to the bone.

  His father’s words echoed around the chamber, taunting him. So Steve was phoning; Judd supposed the other man must be desperate for word from Lanni. He didn’t like to even think about the other man. It angered him. Infuriated him.

  He needed to move—anything to still the ramblings of his mind. Judd stood and paced the area in front of the bed. He remembered seeing Lanni in the kitchen that afternoon. The memory of their kiss caused him to groan. He gritted his teeth in an effort to drive the image from his mind. It didn’t help. His reminiscences were costing him his sanity.

  Jerking open a dresser drawer, he took out a fresh set of clothes. A cold shower would help. Afterward he’d leave and find a hotel in Miles City where he could spend the night. It was dangerous, too dangerous, to be here with Lanni sleeping peacefully in the room across from his. If he stayed, he wouldn’t be able to stop himself. He’d wake her and she’d turn into his arms and he’d make love to every inch of her until she cried for more.

  As quietly as possible, Judd moved down the hall. But the cold shower did little to ease the ache in his body. He needed Lanni. But he’d promised; he’d given her his word. Within a few days she had every reason to pack her bags and walk away without a backward glance. He hadn’t the right to stop her, and he wouldn’t. The thought of Steve Delaney holding her nearly crippled him.

  The arguments echoed in his mind like demented voices flung back at him from a canyon wall. Unable to stop himself, he paused outside Lanni’s bedroom door. Moonlight painted the room a soft shade of yellow. She lay on her back, her long flaxen hair splayed out on the pillow like liquid gold. Judd’s chest tightened at the sight of her. She tossed her arm up and turned her head.

  His breath froze in his lungs. He’d awakened her. For an instant he thought to hide, then realized the ridiculousness of such a plan. It took him another moment to note that she remained asleep.

  He moved toward her, stopping at the edge of the bed. A cold sweat broke out across his upper lip. He loved her. Loved her more than anything in his life. More than the Circle M. More than anything he possessed.

  His body trembled with emotion as he watched her sleep. He turned to leave and made it as far as the door. With his hands braced against each side of the jamb, Judd paused. His fingers curved around the wood frame as he hung his head. His mind battled with his heart and his heart won.

  He moved back into the room and stood once again beside the bed.

  “Lanni,” he whispered.

  Lanni heard her name and knew it came from Judd. What she didn’t recognize was the husky need. Her lashes fluttered open.

  “Judd?” He was on the bed, kneeling over her.

  “I need you,” he whispered.

  Nine


  “Judd.” Even in the dark, Lanni could see that his eyes were wild. “What is it?”

  Urgently he slanted his mouth over hers, kissing her again and again as if he were dying of thirst and her lips were a clear, shimmering pool in the most arid region of the Sahara. “I need you,” he repeated. “So much.”

  Lanni circled his neck with her arms. His weight pressed her into the mattress as the overwhelming desire to lose himself within her body dictated his actions. He needed her tonight more than at any other time because the reality of losing her was so strong. She would leave him, and Steve was on the sidelines, waiting.

  “Judd, what is it? What’s happened?”

  He held her for a long minute, breathing deeply in an effort to control his desperate need. “Lanni, I can’t lose you and Jenny. I want us to try again and throw away those damn divorce papers. I swear I’ll never leave you. We’ll build a new life together—we’ll start over, here in Montana at the Circle M.”

  Instantly, tears began to burn the back of her eyes. It felt as if her heart was going to explode. After everything that had passed between them, the long months of heartache and loneliness, she shouldn’t be this willing. But heaven help her, she didn’t want the divorce any more than Judd did.

  “It’ll be as good as it was in the beginning,” Judd coaxed, kissing her neck. “I swear, I won’t let anything come between us again.”

  She swallowed down a sob and nodded sharply. “I love Montana.” In her heart she acknowledged that she loved him. Always had. Always would. From the moment he’d shown up on her doorstep, she’d known that whatever passed between them, her love would never die. Tonight her hunger for him was as powerful as his was for her.

  Again and again he kissed her, unable to get enough of her mouth. His lips sought the corners of her eyes, the high arch of her cheek, her neck—any place where her smooth skin was exposed. Then his mouth returned to hers, kissing her with raw, naked desire.