All Things Considered

by Debbie Macomber

  “Lanni,” he whispered, breathless. “You’re sure? After tonight, I’ll never let you go.”

  She stared into his hard face, stamped with pride and love. Tenderly, she brushed the dark hair from his brow, loving him more this moment than she had at any time in their lives.

  “Lanni?” he repeated. “Are you sure?”

  “I’m sure,” she breathed.

  He groaned. The instant his mouth claimed hers, all gentleness left him. Fierce desire commanded his movements.

  Shocked by his need, Lanni clung to him, and her heady response drove some of the urgency from his mind. He must be crazy to come at her like this. A beast. A madman. But the knowledge did little to temper his actions. He was on fire and only her love would douse the flames.

  “Lanni.” Again and again he whispered her name, all the while kissing her. Her hands played over the velvet skin of his shoulders. Her lips felt swollen from his kisses and her body throbbed with need. She wanted to beg him to make love to her, but the words couldn’t make it past the tightness that gripped her throat muscles. Nothing would stop him now, she was sure of it. In his own time, he’d claim her body. And she would welcome him, this man who was her husband.

  Lanni was still trembling when Judd moved away. He lay on his side, facing her, and gathered her into his arms.

  “I love you,” he whispered without embellishment. Nothing more, no other words were needed.

  She smiled contentedly and slid her hand over his hard ribs. Judd scooted closer, wrapping the sheets around them both. He paused to kiss the crown of her head. Secure in his love, and warm in his embrace, Lanni fell asleep almost instantly.

  Sleep didn’t come as easily for Judd. Although fatigue tugged at him from every direction, he found the escape elusive. He rolled onto his back, holding Lanni close to his side, and stared at the ceiling. He loved her and would thank God every day of his life that she had agreed to come back to him.

  He’d meant what he’d said about them starting over. The moment they’d driven onto Circle M land, he’d felt that he was home. His traveling days were over. His heart belonged to Lanni and these thousand acres of land. His one regret was that he’d wanted their lovemaking to be slow and easy. Instead it had been a firestorm of craving and desire, but he doubted that he could have stopped to save his life.

  Now that she’d agreed to be his wife again, Judd wanted to court her, give her all the assurances she needed and deserved. He vowed with everything that was in him that he’d never make her unhappy again.

  * * *

  —

  Lanni woke early, feeling cozy and unbelievably warm. She pulled a blanket around her more securely and sighed contentedly. A small smile curved the corners of her mouth as she recalled the reason for her happiness. Judd had come to her in the night, loving her with such a fiery intensity that she was left trembling in its afterglow. They’d reconciled when Lanni had given up every hope of settling their differences. His traveling days were over. All Judd’s bridges had been crossed and he was home and secure. And because Judd was content, she and Jenny were happy as well. Even now her skin tingled where he’d kissed and loved her.

  Reaching out to touch him, her fingers encountered the sheet-covered mattress. She opened her eyes to find his side of the bed empty. The only evidence he had spent the night with her was the indentation on the pillow resting beside her own.

  With a frown, Lanni sat up, tucking the sheet around her nakedness. She was disappointed. After their fierce lovemaking, she yearned to talk to Judd. Questions were churning in her mind.

  She dressed quickly and hurried downstairs, hoping to find him there. As he had been the morning before, Stuart sat at the round kitchen table with the newspaper in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other.

  “Morning,” she greeted him. “Have you seen Judd around?”

  “You look like you slept well. Judd, too, for that matter,” Stuart muttered.

  Lanni couldn’t actually see him smile, but suspected he was. His gaze didn’t waver from the newsprint.

  “Then you’ve seen him?”

  “He’s in the barn.”

  “Thanks.” Without waiting, Lanni rushed toward the back door. She saw Judd immediately. He stood beside the large chestnut horse close to Jim. She moved down a couple of stairs. “Judd,” she called out and waved.

  At the sound of her voice, Judd turned, his face breaking into a wide grin. He handed the reins of the horse to Jim and moved toward Lanni.

  She met him halfway. “Morning.”

  “Morning.” His gaze drank in the sight of her, and inside he felt a renewed sense of love and commitment to her and their marriage. “I didn’t want to wake you.”

  “I wish you had.”

  He tugged the glove from his hand and lifted her hair from the side of her face, studying her. “You aren’t sorry, are you?”

  “No, but there’s a lot we need to discuss.”

  “I know.”

  “Hey, Judd,” Jim called out. “You going to stand there all morning saying good-bye to your missus? Kiss her and be done with it, will you? Those cattle aren’t going to wait around forever, you know.”

  Judd tossed an irritated look over his shoulder. “Hold your horses, will you?”

  “In case you haven’t noticed, I’m holding yours as well as my own,” Jim grumbled, and then muttered something else that Lanni didn’t quite hear.

  “You better do as he says,” she murmured, looking up at him. “Kiss me and be done with it.”

  Judd slipped his arms around her waist, bringing her to him as his mouth moved over hers. The kiss was deep, and greedy, and so thorough that Lanni was left weak and trembling. “I wish I could stay in bed with you all day,” Judd said and groaned against the side of her neck. “We have a lot of time to make up for, woman.”

  “I wish we were in bed right now,” she murmured, having difficulty finding her voice. He was lean, hard, masculine, and strong. After everything they’d shared last night, Lanni couldn’t believe that her passion could be so easily aroused. “Oh, Judd, I love you so much.”

  “You must.”

  “You comin’ or not?” Jim growled.

  With a reluctance that thrilled her, Judd released her. He paused and reached up to touch her face. His eyes grew troubled. “I’ll be back as soon as I can. If it’s late, will you wait up for me?”

  She nodded eagerly and watched as he marched across the yard and swung his lanky frame into the saddle. For a long minute after he’d ridden out, Lanni stood there, soaking up the early-morning rays of the sun and remembering the feel of Judd’s arms that had so recently held her.

  She moved back into the house, but was reluctant to face Stuart. Judd’s father had gotten exactly what he’d wanted and was feeling very clever at the moment.

  Stuart was hauling a load of his dirty clothes to the washing machine when Lanni entered the kitchen. He paused, glanced at her, and chuckled gleefully. Lanni ignored him and moved up the stairs.

  Jenny was still asleep, so Lanni quickly made her bed. By the time she’d finished, the little girl was awake and eager for breakfast. After picking out her own clothes and dressing, Jenny hurried down the stairs.

  Stuart beamed at his granddaughter when she appeared, and hugged her gently. When Lanni moved toward the refrigerator, preparing to cook their breakfast, Stuart stopped her.

  “I was in town,” he said.

  Lanni looked at him blankly, not understanding what that could possibly mean. When he brought out a large box of Cap’n Crunch cereal, understanding dawned on her. “Stuart, you’re going to spoil her.”

  He grumbled something unintelligible and placed the box on the tabletop.

  The phone pealed and he raised stricken eyes toward the wall. “I’ll get it,” he said, pushing his way past Lanni. “I…I’ve
been waiting for a call. Business.”

  The phone rang a second time and Lanni glanced at it anxiously.

  “I’ll take it in the other room,” Stuart said, nearly throwing Lanni off balance in his rush to move into the office.

  Lanni thought his actions curious, but shook her head and brought a bowl and spoon to the table for Jenny’s cold cereal.

  When Jenny finished, Stuart suggested the two of them feed the chickens. As hot water filled the sink, Lanni watched them leave. The few dishes they’d dirtied for breakfast were clean within minutes. It could have been her imagination, but Stuart’s eyes seemed to avoid her when he’d returned to the kitchen following the phone call. She’d half expected him to make some teasing comment about her and Judd, but he hadn’t. Instead he’d taken Jenny by the hand and rushed outside, saying the chickens must be starving by now. Yet it was an hour earlier than the time he’d fed them the day before. He was a strange man.

  She wiped her hands dry and decided it was time to visit Betty Peterman.

  “Hi, Mommy.” Jenny raced to her mother’s side when Lanni came out the back door. “Where are you going?”

  “To visit Mrs. Peterman.”

  “Grandpa and me fed all the chickens. Can I come with you?” Her gaze flew to her grandfather, who granted his permission with an abrupt shake of his head.

  “If you like.” Lanni wasn’t all that sure she wanted her daughter with her. Her mind buzzed with questions about Judd and his youth. Questions only Betty Peterman could answer. This wasn’t a conversation she wanted Jenny to listen in on, but, given no other choice, she took the child with her.

  Betty answered Lanni’s knock with a warm smile of welcome.

  “I hope I’m not disturbing you.”

  “Of course not.” The older woman stepped aside so Lanni and Jenny could enter the kitchen.

  Following Lanni’s gaze around the room, Betty pursed her lips together and shook her head. “Imagine Stuart buying a new stove for this place. The old one worked fine. I tell you, Lydia would be as angry as a wet wasp.”

  At Lanni’s blank stare, Betty continued. “Lydia was after Stuart for years to buy her a new stove. He wouldn’t do it. He claimed there was nothing wrong with the old one she had.” Betty moved to the counter, took down a mug, and poured some coffee for Lanni, delivering it to the table without asking. Next she opened a drawer and took out a small bag of colored dough. “Here you go, Jenny.” She plopped it down on the counter with a miniature rolling pin. “You bake your little heart out.”

  Lanni tried to hide her surprise. She hadn’t expected Betty to have anything to entertain a four-year-old.

  “I’ve had a recipe for that dough for years. Finally had an excuse to make it up.” Betty smiled fondly at the little girl. “I still have trouble getting over how much she resembles Lydia.”

  At the mention of Judd’s mother, Lanni straightened her outstretched arms and cradled the steaming cup of coffee. She lowered her gaze, not wishing Betty to know how curious she was about Judd’s mother. “What was she like?”

  “Lydia?”

  Lanni nodded.

  “Gentle. Sweet. Delicate.”

  Those were the same qualities Lanni had seen in the photo in Judd’s room. “What happened?”

  Betty pulled out the chair opposite Lanni. “I don’t really know. It was a shock to everyone in Miles City when Lydia married Stuart. They were as different as can be. I believe he honestly loved her and that she loved him. But she hated the isolation of the ranch. Every year I could see her wither up more. She was like a hothouse orchid out here in this desert heat. If pneumonia hadn’t killed her, she would have eventually shriveled up and died from living here.”

  “How sad.” It wasn’t the first time Lanni had been touched by the unhappy story of Lydia Matthiessen’s short life.

  “When she was pregnant with Judd, she moved back into the city with her parents. Judd was only a couple of weeks old when Stuart brought her back to the ranch. Things changed between them from that point on, and not for the better, I fear.” A bleak light entered Betty’s eyes. “Stuart loved her. I’m sure he did. But things weren’t right between them. I’d see her out hanging diapers on the clothesline and her eyes would be red-rimmed, as though she’d been crying her heart out. She lost weight and got so thin that I fretted over her. Lydia told me I worried too much.”

  “Why didn’t he let her visit her parents if she was so unhappy?” Lanni asked. Surely, if he loved her, Stuart could see what life on the Circle M was doing to his wife. It seemed only natural that he’d do whatever possible to bring some happiness into Lydia’s bleak existence.

  “I can’t rightly say why she never went back to see her family. Too proud, I suspect. Her parents had never been keen on Stuart, said she’d married beneath herself. Pride and stubbornness were qualities they both seemed to have in equal quantities. Lydia wanted Stuart to sell the ranch and move into the city. Stuart refused. This land has been in his family for two generations. His father nearly lost the ranch in the Great Depression, but through everything—drought, famine, disease—had managed to keep the Circle M and his family together. Stuart wasn’t about to leave it all because his wife wanted a more active social life. After a while Lydia’s eyes began to look hollow; she was so miserably unhappy, the poor dear.”

  “How did Stuart react toward Judd?”

  Betty sighed. “It’s hard to say. He was pleased he had a son; he held and bounced him on his knee, but all Judd did was cry. The baby was the only bright spot in Lydia’s life and she spoiled him terribly. Judd clung to her.”

  “You say she died of pneumonia?”

  Betty’s mouth thinned with the memory. “This is the saddest part of all. One evening in late September, when it was cool enough to add an extra blanket on the bed at night, but warm enough in the daytime to keep a window open…” She paused and seemed to wait for Lanni to nod. Lanni did. “Well, my kitchen window was open and I heard Lydia crying. She had a bag packed and was carrying Judd on her hip. She told Stuart that she’d had enough of his stupid ranch. She was sick of the Circle M. Sick of his stinginess. Sick of his precious cows. She was leaving him if she had to walk all the way to Miles City.”

  “What did Stuart say?”

  Sadly, Betty shook her head. “He told her to go. He said that he didn’t need her. All she cared about was spending money.” Betty paused and waved her finger. “Now, that was unfair. All Lydia ever asked for was a new stove. God knows she was right, but her pleas fell on deaf ears.”

  “It couldn’t possibly be the same one that’s at the house now?” Although the monstrosity was old, it wasn’t an antique.

  “Oh no. Now, this is the funny part. About a month after Lydia died, Stuart went out and bought that stove. Now, isn’t that nonsense? He was so crazed with grief that he bought her what she wanted after she was dead.” Betty shook her head as though even now, thirty-odd years later, the action still confused her.

  “You started to tell me how she died,” Lanni prompted.

  “Ah, yes. Well, Lydia left, all right, with all the defiance of a princess. She lifted her bag and stalked out the driveway, taking Judd with her.”

  “And Stuart let her go?”

  “He did. He’ll regret it all his life, but he let her leave and shouted ‘good riddance’ after her.”

  “But Miles City is a hundred miles from here.” At least that was what she remembered Judd telling her.

  “Stuart seemed to think she’d come to her senses and come back on her own, especially when it started raining.”

  “She didn’t?”

  “No. An hour later he got in the pickup and drove out looking for her. She’d gotten only a few miles, but was soaked to the skin and shivering so bad her teeth chattered.”

  “Judd?”

  “Oh, he was fine. She�
�d wrapped him up nice and warm and held him to her so he didn’t catch cold.”

  “What happened next?”

  “Lydia took sick. Pneumonia. Within a week she went to the hospital, and a few days after that she died.”

  Lanni felt tears well at the thought of such a senseless loss of life.

  “Stuart blamed himself. I suppose that’s only natural with him leaving her alone all that time in the rain. He was a loner before Lydia died, but after she was gone it was like he lost heart.”

  “The poor man.” Lanni could understand how devastated he must have been. Shell-shocked by the loss of his wife and left with a young son who yearned for his mother. “But he had Judd.”

  “Yes, he had Judd.” Betty purposely avoided meeting Lanni’s eyes. “The problem was, Stuart felt he wasn’t much of a husband to Lydia and that he was an even worse father to their child. As young as he was, Judd didn’t want to have anything to do with his father. In the beginning Stuart tried everything, but he soon gave up. Perhaps if Judd had been a little bit older when Lydia died, he might have accepted his father easier. Every time he looked at his son, Stuart saw Lydia in him and the guilt nearly crippled him.”

  “If it was so painful, then why didn’t he send Judd to live with his grandparents?” Surely they would’ve taken him, no matter how they felt about Stuart.

  “I wish he had, but Lydia’s parents blamed Stuart for her death and wanted nothing to do with Stuart. And from what I understand, his own were long dead.”

  “Then who took care of Judd?”

  Betty smiled then for the first time. “I had him during the day, although I was a poor substitute for his mother. I took him in and gave him what love I could. Jim and I were never able to have children of our own, so having Judd here was real good for me. But each evening, Stuart came to the house to pick him up and take him to the main house with him. Every day Judd cried. It nearly broke my heart to see that baby cry. He didn’t want to be with his father, but just as he did with Lydia, Stuart refused to let him go.” Sharply, Betty tossed her head back, shaking free her troubled thoughts. “In a lot of ways, Judd and his father are alike. They both possess the same stubborn pride. They’re both as arrogant as the sun is hot.