Soul Searching

by Chrissie Loveday

  ‘I can’t really, can I?’

  ‘Course you can. You’re sleeping with Jimmy anyway and I somehow doubt he’ll be ready for bed for ages. Come on, I’ll show you where to go.’

  ‘If you’re sure. Thanks love. I have enjoyed myself but I’m not used to staying up this late.’

  The pair went upstairs and Ruth showed him where he’d be sleeping. She could see the relief on his face as she said goodnight to him.

  ‘It’ll be nice to think I’ll see you again tomorrow. And nice to think you’re asleep next door to me.’

  ‘Even better to have you lying next to me. I promise I won’t take too long. Once I’ve thought about Mum and where she’d go.’

  ‘Don’t worry about it. As long as we can see each other, I can be patient.’

  ‘I’m not sure I can. Go and enjoy the rest of the evening.’

  ‘Sleep well. I’ll tell Jimmy to come to bed quietly. Night, night.’ She kissed him gently and felt him shiver. ‘Now then, love, we do have to wait a while,’ she whispered as she left him.

  Downstairs, the ones who were left had become very merry, especially her twin.

  ‘Come here, Ruth,’ he demanded, as she went into what had become the music room. ‘You haven’t met Graham yet, have you? I promised him you’d have a dance with him. Come on now.’

  ‘I think you’re both a bit past dancing. Why don’t you sit down and recover a bit?’

  ‘Recover from what?’ he said, as he hiccupped loudly and practically collapsed on the side bench. ‘Not bad looking for a sister, is she boys?’ There was murmuring among the group. ‘Trouble is, she’s booked. Where is Paul by the way?’

  ‘He’s gone to bed. He was exhausted. He’s been through a lot, unlike you lot. I think you had a cushy number playing in the army band.’

  ‘You’re right, of course,’ replied one of the group. He was studious looking chap wearing glasses. ‘We did have it easy, or relatively anyway.’

  ‘I said as much to Jimmy. He denied it of course. Said you were under fire and had to take a lot of risks.’ They looked at each other and then looked away. The one with glasses spoke again.

  ‘We did have a number of near misses. One of the lads did get shot and killed.’ Ruth stared, somewhat shocked.

  ‘But I thought you went to play to the troops. You didn’t have to fight at all.’

  ‘Not strictly true, sister mine. But that’s all behind us now. It’s party time. Any more beer in that cask?’ He obviously didn’t want to talk about it and she stored the information away to ask him at a later time.

  At last they started to drift away. The chap with the car loaded himself up with several more people than the car was meant for. The rest of the group left to walk home. Annie’s two were made beds on the floor of the lounge and Annie went to bed with Ruth.

  It had been a good night and they all felt as if the war was well and truly finished with, except for what was happening in Japan. But, as the family weren’t involved with anyone there, it largely passed them by. Jimmy was out most days looking for work and Ruth and her father went off to the ROF factory as usual. Mabel still struggled to find enough food to feel them all and cursed the Government for making everything so difficult.

  *

  The general election was held on the second of July and it took ages for the results to be posted. When they were, it was a landslide victory for Clement Atlee, much to the joy of Dan and his friends.

  ‘Eh, I never thought I’d see the day. That oversized man was certainly shown the door, wasn’t he?’ Dan declared.

  ‘I’d have thought we should be a bit more grateful to Mr Churchill after all he did to help us win the war.’ Ruth was quite put out.

  ‘We need a new start. A complete change. Then things’ll get back to where we once were.’

  Ruth was not convinced but wisely said no more. She felt bad about the way the country had dealt with the man she believed had saved them all.

  On the sixth of August the news came that the Americans had dropped an atomic bomb on Hiroshima. Everyone was silenced at the thought. News reports spoke of a giant mushroom cloud that came out of the ground following the explosion. Two days later, a second bomb was dropped on Nagasaki. To Ruth, they sounded exotic names of places so far away from their lives as not to affect them. Then the news came on the fifteenth of August that Hirohito had finally surrendered. The dreadful war was finally over.

  ‘I suppose that means the rest of our men will soon be coming home,’ she said to her mother.

  ‘I wonder what sort of state they’ll be in,’ she replied.

  ‘We thought Paul had it pretty badly but I bet they’ll all be much worse.’

  ‘Come on, love. You’ve got to get over it all now. Let’s get on with our lives and concentrate on living. We’ve been pretty lucky on the whole. I know Annie’s husband was killed but you and Dan have still been working and Jimmy came back unscarred. And poor Charlie of course. He suffered too from the German bombs. God rest his soul.’

  ‘You’re right, Mum. We have got a lot to be grateful for. Paul will get back to how he was, I’m sure. We’ve all grown up a bit, haven’t we?’ She shuddered again at the thought of the atomic bombs that had been dropped. Whatever anyone had done, surely they didn’t deserve that?

  It was some weeks later when the men started to come back. There were one or two pictures in the papers but as the descriptions came through, Ruth changed her mind. How anyone could treat human beings that way was beyond her. She didn’t sleep for several nights at the thought of so much suffering. Paul may have had things pretty rough but she didn’t think it could have been as bad as the men had experienced in the Far East.

  Chapter Fourteen

  It was getting close to Christmas. Mabel was her usual self and didn’t really want anything to do with it. Ruth on the other hand was very excited about the coming festival. She had started to go the chapel again with Jimmy, largely to sing in the choir. She had long ago decided she didn’t really believe in anything much but she did love singing. The chapel was going to have a carol service this year, to show their gratitude for the end of the war. They had a rehearsal each Friday evening, which both brother and sister attended. They usually came back singing one of the well-known carols. Mabel listened and actually enjoyed hearing them sing. She was still a regular attender at the Sunday services and hoped to get her two children to go back there more often.

  ‘It’s nice to hear you two singing again. You should come to the service a bit more often, you know. Then you could sing to your heart’s content.’

  ‘It’s a load of bunkum though, Mum. We’re only going to the carol service to sing. The old ones are the best,’ laughed Jimmy.

  ‘But you have to believe. You do, don’t you Ruth?’

  ‘Not really, Mum. I’m sorry but I agree with Jimmy. I can still sing and so that’s what I’m doing.’

  ‘You should sing with our band,’ her brother suggested.

  ‘What?’ she said, somewhat shocked.

  ‘Like I said. Come and sing with our band. We’re doing a concert at the legion hall before Christmas. We could do with someone who can hold a tune. You’d be good.’

  ‘Rubbish. I can sing with the chapel choir but never on my own. Forget it. Find some other sucker to do it.’

  ‘Don’t be like that, Ruth. You sing very well and you know it. We just want one or two jazzy numbers with a voice. I’m sure you could do it.’

  ‘And I’m sure I couldn’t. Forget it, Brother. I’m not your girl. Now, what can I do towards the celebrations, Mum?’

  Everything was still in very short supply in the shops. Dried fruit was scarce and many items had even more stringent rationing introduced. They’d all given up sugar in tea, a great difficulty for Dan, who’d always had lots of sugar. He was given saccharin tablets instead but the rest of the family preferred to get used to it without sugar. It made Christmas preparations somewhat dif
ficult with virtually no ingredients for making special, Christmassy food.

  Paul came over on Christmas Eve, having decided to stay at home with his mother for Christmas Day. He and Ruth went out for a walk and shivered in the cold afternoon.

  ‘This is ridiculous,’ he said after they were both practically blue with cold. ‘We should go back to your home again. At least we can be warm there.’

  ‘I agree. Come on then.’

  ‘Hang on a minute.’ He led her down the little snicket that joined their road to another. It was quiet there and had high hedges. She was slightly bewildered.

  ‘What is it?’

  ‘I just wanted to kiss you. You don’t mind, do you?’ She giggled and told him of course she didn’t. ‘Ruth, will you marry me?’ he asked.

  ‘Course I will. You know I will.’ He fumbled in his pocket and produced a small box.

  ‘It isn’t new, of course, but please, accept this ring. It was my Gran’s.’

  She looked at the slightly old-fashioned ring with its ruby at the centre and two tiny diamonds at the sides and immediately fell in love with it.

  ‘Oh, Paul, thank you so much. I love it.’

  ‘I hope it’ll fit. My Gran had quite large fingers but we can get it altered if it’s too big. Here, let me try it.’ Feeling a little teary, Ruth stuck out her hand and let him slide it on. It really was rather large but she didn’t care.

  ‘It’s lovely, Paul. Thank you so much.’

  ‘I wasn’t able to get anything else for you for Christmas but this seemed a good idea. I’m not sure how soon we can get married but this is part of the way there, isn’t it?’

  ‘Oh yes. Indeed it is. I can’t wait to show Mum. I know she’ll be pleased.’

  ‘I should have got something for your parents and Jimmy too, but well, you know what the shops are like.’

  ‘I’ve got your present at home. It’s something I made myself. It’s not perfect but I hope you’ll like it.’

  ‘I’m sure I will. Am I allowed to open it while I’m with you? It’s only a few hours before Christmas Day.’

  ‘All right, Mr Impatience. Come on then. Let’s show my ring off.’ They were soon back at her parents’ home where she said nothing but walked round with her left hand stuck out at an unusual angle.

  ‘Why are you doing that, our Ruth?’ asked Jimmy.

  ‘No reason.’

  ‘Oh, you’re wearing summat new, aren’t you?’ he said with a grin.

  ‘Oh, my new engagement ring you mean?’ she replied as casually as she could manage.

  ‘Eh, so you are. Well done. Congratulations to you both. Dan, break out that bottle we were saving for tomorrow. This really is a time to celebrate.’

  ‘Aye Love. Congratulations and all that,’ said Dan. ‘I hope you’ll be happier than the last time.’

  ‘Oh, Dad, don’t even mention that. I’m sorry about you losing your friend but it was really a good outcome for me. Sorry Paul. Should I get some glasses out then?’

  She found five small glasses in the sideboard and put them on a tray. Dan took out the bottle of sherry and soon everyone was toasting the happy couple.

  ‘So have you fixed a date yet?’ asked Mabel.

  ‘Not really,’ Ruth answered. ‘It’s just enough to be engaged, isn’t it Paul?’

  ‘I hope so.’

  ‘Let me have a proper look at the ring,’ Mabel said. ‘It looks a nice one.’

  ‘It belonged to my Gran. I hoped Ruth wouldn’t mind but it seems not to matter, doesn’t it love?’

  ‘Course not. It’s all the more precious. Well, to me it is anyway.’

  ‘Is it bit too big for you?’

  ‘It’s a little bit loose. But nothing too bad.’

  ‘We could wind some cotton round it to make it fit a bit a better. Or put a bit of sticking plaster round it. You wouldn’t want to lose it, would you?’

  ‘Course not.’

  ‘We can get it altered to fit you properly,’ Paul told them all.

  ‘That would mean me being without it for ages. I wouldn’t like that. Come on, you must realise that. I’ve only just been given it so I’m not going to be parted from it am I? Now, do you want your present or not?’ she asked Paul.

  ‘I’d like it please.’

  ‘I hope you will like it. It’s nothing special. In fact, maybe you should take it home and open it tomorrow.’

  ‘You can’t mean it. I want it now, like you promised.’ Ruth grinned and handed him the parcel.

  ‘Don’t get too excited,’ she warned him. ‘It’s not exactly anything special.’

  He ripped open the paper and found a scarf which she had knitted for him.

  ‘Oh Ruth, it’s lovely. I’ll treasure it ’cos you made it. I’ll wear it to go home. It’ll keep me nice and warm.’

  ‘I’m glad you like it. It’s not anywhere near as good as my present though. Thank you for that. I really love it.’

  ‘Well, after all that excitement, I’d better see what we’ve got to eat for supper,’ said Mabel, looking very cheerful. It was amazing what a glass of sherry could do to cheer anyone up.

  ‘Do you want some help, Mum?’ asked Ruth.

  ‘No, you stay and chat to Paul. I’m sure you’ve got plans to make. Jimmy, you can come and help.’ He scowled but got up and went into the kitchen.

  ‘So, lad, when do you propose to get wed?’ asked Dan.

  ‘Oh, I don’t know about that. We haven’t discussed that side of things yet. It’s my mother you see. She relies on me since Dad passed on. We haven’t quite decided on how she might be looked after.’

  ‘What’s up with her?’

  ‘How do you mean?’

  ‘Why does she need looking after?’ Dan was somewhat impatient.

  ‘Well, nothing’s wrong with her. She just wants to have me around. She gets lonely when she’s on her own and, well, she likes having me around.’

  ‘I see. So you’ll plan to stay with her till she passes on, will you?’ Dan felt angry on his daughter’s behalf.

  ‘Well, no. Not really. It’s just that we haven’t discussed it yet. Maybe Ruth would like to come and live with us when we’re married.’

  ‘Oh really? And have you got room for another person to live in your house? I mean to say, have you got an inside toilet?’

  ‘Well, no, course we haven’t. But you know that. Our house is pretty much like the one you used to live in. A bit smaller perhaps but just the same as your old one.’

  ‘Then I’m sorry but I can’t give my permission for you two to get wed.’

  ‘Dad, what do you mean? I’m quite old enough to get wed without your permission.’ Ruth felt slightly sick.

  ‘You can’t go and live in someone else’s house. Two of you in the same kitchen? It’s be a disaster. And you can’t want to go back to walking up the yard every time you want to pee.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Mr Davies. Perhaps I should leave now.’

  ‘Eh lad, dunna be so daft. If it’s what Ruth wants, then of course you can get wed. I just wanted to point out the disadvantages of her living with your mum.’

  Ruth had remained silent through this part of the conversation. Her dad was quite right. She knew she’d hate to live with Paul and his mother. Her dream of a little place of their own was high in her heart… and an inside toilet was vital to her after having one for so long now.

  ‘I’d thought we might be lucky enough to get a prefab,’ she said softly. ‘There are lots of them around and I’m sure we could get one if we put our names down soon.’

  ‘It’s something we need to talk through,’ Paul told them both. ‘Though I didn’t realise you felt so strongly about it. I’m in a difficult position here. Mum doesn’t realise you wouldn’t want to share our home. She’s said you can move in as soon as you like. I thought it was quite generous of her actually but if it doesn’t fit with you, then I’m not sure what we can do.’
/>   ‘I’ll need to think about it. Dad’s right,’ she told him. ‘I’m really not sure how it would work. And it’s a long way from the ROF factory isn’t it?’

  ‘I’d hope you’d give up working when we’re married.’ Paul was slightly put out.

  ‘What? And sit at home while your mother looked after both of us with me helping her occasionally? I’m sorry, Paul, but that would never work. You’ll have to think again. I want to work until well, until I’m pregnant at least. Sorry, Dad, I don’t mean to embarrass you.’

  Suddenly, the afternoon seemed rather spoilt. The happiness they had all been feeling was dissipating rapidly. Mabel came through from the kitchen and happily asked Ruth to set the table.

  ‘What’s up?’ she asked, sensing there was a problem.

  ‘Nothing,’ Ruth replied. ‘Just a slight difference of opinion. I’ll get the best china out, shall I?’

  ‘Yes please, love. It is a special occasion isn’t it?’ She bustled back into the kitchen feeling happy and started to bring out plates of sandwiches and a cake they had made using powdered eggs. ‘I hope this will be all right. I’ve never liked these powdered eggs. They don’t raise the cake like the proper eggs do. Best we can do isn’t it? Bring the teapot in, Jimmy. Honestly, he’s useless in the kitchen.’

  ‘So I may be but at least I’m good at finding food for us. I’ve even managed to get us a chicken for tomorrow.’

  ‘Yes, but we daren’t ask where you got it from,’ Ruth laughed.

  ‘I told you. Someone was keeping them in her back yard and she was willing to sell them for Christmas. Nothing underhand about that was there?’

  ‘Maybe not. It all sounds quite plausible. Come on, you two. Sit up at the table.’

  There was a definite atmosphere between Ruth and her new fiancé and Dan was clearly not too happy. Mabel chirruped on, seemingly unaware of the problems raised by her husband. Jimmy looked at them both and somehow knew what was wrong. He put it down to the twin thing he and his sister had. They all ate what was offered and once it was finished, they cleared away.