Soul Searching

by Chrissie Loveday

‘Paul and me will wash up,’ Ruth said. ‘No really, Mum. You got it ready. It’s the least we can do.’ Once they were in the kitchen, Mabel asked Dan what the problem was.

  ‘Good lord,’ was her response. ‘I’m not surprised she looked like a wet weekend. I hope she’s got the strength to tell him how she feels about that.’ If Mabel had heard what was going on in the kitchen, she would not have been worried.

  ‘Do you want to wash or dry?’ asked Ruth.

  ‘Don’t mind. I’ll wash if that’s OK.’

  ‘Right. The kettle won’t take long. Stack the dishes up on one side.’

  ‘So, I assume you want to talk?’

  ‘Course I bally well do. I’m sorry, but I really can’t contemplate living with your mum. If we can’t get a place of our own, then we’d better forget about it.’

  ‘What? Getting married you mean?’

  ‘Well, yes. I’m not prepared to wait till your mum is no longer with us. Heavens, that would be too awful.’

  ‘Suppose we can get a place of our own,’ Paul said thoughtfully, ‘could you cope with Mum coming to live with us?’

  ‘I’m sorry but no thanks. The same thing would apply. I’d rather stay at home with my parents, here. Kettle’s boiling.’

  ‘So what’s the difference between living with my mum and you staying here with your parents?’ The wind was slightly taken out of her sails at this.

  ‘Inside toilet?’ she mentioned again.

  ‘So, life depends on you having an inside lavatory, does it? That really puts me in my place.’ Ruth began to laugh and Paul looked at her before starting to laugh himself.

  ‘Oh, I’m sorry, love. It does all sound very silly. But I am serious about staying on at work and also about us having a place of our own. We need to think about it seriously.’

  ‘You’re right, love. I’d better get on with this washing up and then I need to get on my way.’

  ‘I hope it hasn’t spoilt Christmas for you. Maybe you need to talk to your mum. Tell her how I feel and thank her for the offer.’

  The pair came out of the kitchen smiling happily and Mabel heaved a sigh of relief. Wisely, she didn’t ask them about their decision, knowing she could ask Ruth later when Paul had gone back home. ‘I’m going to walk to the bus with Paul. Won’t be long. I’ll put the china away when I get back.’

  ‘No worries. I’ll do it. Wrap up warm. It’s cold out there.’

  ‘Thank you very much for a nice tea, Mrs Davies. Happy Christmas to you all.’

  ‘Come on, lad, give me a hug. You’re as good as family now.’ He obliged, looking somewhat uncomfortable. It wasn’t something he was used to.

  ‘Bye then,’ he murmured as they left the house. ‘I’m sorry. That didn’t go as well as I’d hoped. We obviously have to talk some more about where we’re going to live.’

  ‘I’m also sorry. But I really can’t move in to your place. It may be generous of your mother but I suspect it’s mostly ’cos she doesn’t want to lose you. If you want to, we could look for somewhere nearish to her but not the same house, and it has to have an inside toilet.’

  ‘You made that pretty clear already,’ he said with a grin. ‘Anyway, here’s the bus stop. I don’t know how regular the buses are today. You go back home. I don’t want you waiting in the cold. You haven’t got a nice woolly scarf to keep you warm.’ She laughed and told him she wasn’t worried. He put his arm round her to keep her close. They waited nearly half an hour for the bus to arrive.

  ‘Goodness, I hope there’s one to get you back to your place,’ she told him. ‘I don’t know if there’s anything I can do if there isn’t. You could come back to ours and stay over.’

  ‘It’ll be all right. Mum would go bonkers if I don’t get home. Bye then, love. See you soon.’ He gave her a peck and got on the bus. She stood and waved him off, wishing they could see a way to getting a place of their own. She walked back to her home and the family who were waiting.

  ‘Goodness me, where have you been till now? It’s almost eight o’clock. We’re all going to the club for what’s left of the evening. Come on, let’s get going.’ Jimmy was his usual impatient self.

  ‘Oh, I don’t know. I’d just as soon stay here,’ Ruth told him.

  ‘Rubbish. They’ve organised a sing-song and you’ll enjoy it all. Come on now. Mum, Dad, get your coats on.’

  Grumbling away, they were soon on their way to the community centre that served all the houses as a social club. There were lots of people walking along the street towards it and chattering like mad.

  ‘Hello, Mr and Mrs Davies,’ called out one couple.

  ‘Hello there. Enjoy your evening.’

  It was the first Christmas for a long time that everyone could relax and enjoy themselves. Though there hadn’t been a huge amount of bombing in the area, the constraints of the war years had taken it out of everyone. The community centre was a positive buzz of activity with several people working behind the bar and a large group of people waiting. Jimmy pushed his way to the front and came back with drinks for them all.

  ‘Blimey, son, I should come with you more often. I’d still have been waiting somewhere at the back of the crowd,’ his father told him.

  ‘Need to have the right motivation. Never thought, I should have brought my trumpet. I could have joined in with the music.’

  ‘You can join in with the singing later,’ said Ruth.

  ‘I suppose so. You all right, Mum? Here, sit down by that table. Take the weight of your feet. You don’t mind do you?’ he asked the other folks sitting there.

  Someone began to play carols and most people joined in. Ruth and Jimmy seemed to be leading the singers and someone asked them to sing a duet. At last they agreed and stood up and sang Silent Night. There was a flood of clapping and then everyone else joined in with wartime songs. Lots of women were crying quietly as the songs meant to so much to them. They finished with We’ll Meet Again and everyone clapped and cheered the pianist and everyone who had organised the evening.

  As they walked home again, Mabel suddenly stopped.

  ‘What’s up, love?’

  ‘Nowt. Nowt’s up. This going to be a good Christmas. A really good Christmas.’

  Chapter Fifteen

  January came in with a flurry of snow. Ruth and her father took much longer than usual to get to work and the traffic on the roads was slowed to a crawl. There were more cars about now, despite the petrol rationing that was still continuing.

  ‘Are we keeping the paper chains or should we chuck them away?’ asked Ruth. She had made them from strips of coloured paper looped together and then glued. Some of them had already come unstuck and she was all for throwing them away.

  ‘What do you think? I’d suggest chucking them but you made them so you decide.’

  ‘I can always make some more next year. Let’s throw them.’

  ‘Or burn them. Might as well get some heat out of them.’

  ‘I wonder where I’ll be next year?’ Ruth said.

  ‘How do you mean?’

  ‘Well, I’d hope we’d be married. If we’re not, then I don’t suppose we ever will be.’

  ‘Don’t say that, love. Paul’s a fine young man. He’ll come round soon enough. I have to admit, him wanting to look after his mother, well it is a thought isn’t it?’

  ‘I suspect it’s more that he likes her looking after him. She spoils him rotten. I wouldn’t do that. He’d have to do his share like getting the coal in and maybe helping with the washing up. Heck, if I’m working, he’ll have to help.’

  ‘I don’t think he’d like that.’

  ‘Why ever not?’

  ‘He won’t like you working when you’re married. I know your dad didn’t ever want me to work. Said it made him feel less of a man.’

  ‘That’s ridiculous. I really don’t see it. Besides, we’re going to need every penny we can get for the new house. I’d go barmy if I was just sitting a
round all day.’

  ‘Sitting around? Don’t be so silly, girl. You’ll have a house to clean. Washing to be done and ironing. Then there’s shopping and meals to cook. You’ll be lucky to fit it all into a day.’

  ‘Sounds thrilling,’ she said with heavy sarcasm. ‘I suppose if it’s our own place it might be different. And when we have children, that’ll make a difference. Still, I have to be patient and, well, it’s running out. My patience, I mean.’

  ‘Don’t say that. You’ve loved him since you were at school. When you thought he was lost during the war, you seemed inconsolable. If it hadn’t been for Charlie, well…’

  ‘That was a huge mistake, Mum. It really was. Still, I’m over all that now.’

  ‘It was so sad he died like that,’ Mabel commented. Ruth said nothing. ‘Ah well. So, when are you seeing Paul again?’

  ‘At the weekend I suppose. We haven’t really made plans yet. He’s going to call me.’

  ‘How do you mean?’

  ‘He’s got the number of the phone box at the end of the road and if I’m there at seven thirty, he’ll call me. Clever eh? In fact I’d better slip along now or I’ll miss him.’

  Ruth pulled on her coat and ran along the road to the phone box. Someone was already in there, making a call. She stood outside, bouncing from foot to foot, hoping the person in there had noticed her. He turned his back to her and carried on making his call. She began to shiver and pulled her coat round her even more. After about ten minutes, she knocked on the door to indicate she was still waiting. She thought Paul must have given up by now.

  ‘What?’ said the grumpy young man.

  ‘I was wondering how much longer you’re going to be,’ she asked as politely as she could.

  ‘I dunno. Now clear off. I’m done when I’m done. Okay?’

  ‘You’ve been in there for ages. It’s about time you were finished.’

  ‘Now look here. I’m entitled to use it when and for as long as I like.’

  ‘Are you actually using it at the moment?’ He was holding the handset and waving it around.

  ‘What’s it to you?’

  ‘I’m waiting for a call. If you’re not using it, please hang up and let my call come through.’

  ‘Bugger off. I’m making important calls here.’ And he turned his back to her and started to call a new number. Ruth stamped her already freezing feet and felt very angry with the rude young man. After another five minutes, she knew that Paul would possibly have given up and she banged on the door of the kiosk again.

  ‘Please, hurry up,’ she called out to him. He turned his back on her again and carried on speaking to whoever was on the other end. She decided to abandon her plans and turned to go back home. Obviously the young man was just being difficult, as he turned and left the kiosk once she had moved away. She saw him leaving and ran back to hear the bell ringing. She snatched it up and it was Paul.

  ‘Oh, thank goodness. There was some man in here for ages and I thought I’d miss you.’

  ‘It did seem to be engaged for ages. Anyway, it’s good to talk to you at last. Shall we meet on Saturday? Let’s get that decided first before the coins run out.’

  ‘Saturday would be great. Shall I come over to you or will you come here?’

  ‘You come here, if you don’t mind. Mum will get some tea for us.’ Ruth gave a silent sigh. Paul’s mum was not much of a cook and usually produced something slightly unpleasant.

  ‘All right. I’ll come after lunch. Shall we go to the pictures or something?’

  ‘I want to talk, actually. But we can see what time there is left.’

  ‘Okay. Anything special you want to talk about?’

  ‘I’ll wait to see you, if you don’t mind.’ At this point the pips went and so they said goodbye. She put the phone down thoughtfully, wondering what on earth he wanted to talk about. She half wondered if it could be marriage but somehow doubted that. The best he’d come up with was for her to move in with his mother and she really couldn’t face that. As she went home, shivering, she thought about it some more. Was it really impossible? It was that or carry on the way they had been for so long. Sometimes she positively ached with longing for Paul. She thought about him constantly and had begun to wonder if this was a normal feeling or was she perverted in some way? She decided it was probably just her and tried to stop worrying about it.

  As Ruth sat on the bus taking her to see Paul on Saturday afternoon, she contemplated what he was going to say to her. He’d suggested he wanted to talk and she was anxious to know what it was all about. She felt determined that she was not going to live with his mother, even if meant waiting even longer to get married. She decided to get another bus to Paul’s house rather than walk there. When she arrived, he was standing outside waiting for her.

  ‘Hello. What are you doing standing out here?’ she asked.

  ‘I thought you’d be here on that bus. Hello Ruth.’ He reached over and kissed her cheek.

  ‘Not here, Paul. Someone might see us.’

  ‘I don’t care. You’re my fiancée and I can kiss you whenever and wherever I want to.’ She was slightly bewildered by his change of heart. Usually he was very concerned about kissing her in public. ‘Come on in. I’ve got things to talk about.’

  ‘Right. You said as much on the phone. Where’s your mum? I was expecting to see her.’

  ‘She’s gone over to see her sister. We’ve got the place to ourselves.’ He took her in his arms and kissed her again. She wondered what he intended. However much she wanted him, she didn’t want to spoil anything. ‘Sit down, love. I’ve got some news.’

  ‘You do seem much better. I’m so glad. I was worried about you. So, come on then. What’s your news?’

  ‘Mum’s decided to go and live with Auntie Jean. She’s also widowed and has her own place over in Golden Hill. Mum was never willing to consider it before but now she’s changed her mind. Isn’t that terrific?’

  ‘I suppose so, yes. So where will you live?’

  ‘It means we can get married and live together. Either here or wherever you like.’

  ‘I see. It’s all a bit sudden isn’t it?’ Ruth was feeling bemused by this latest turn of events.

  ‘You do still want us to get married don’t you?’

  ‘Course I do.’ She took a deep breath and then spoke again. ‘Course I do, love. It is terrific news. I know she was keeping you here and you didn’t want to leave her on her own. It’s a big step for her, though.’

  ‘You’re not kidding. It was all I could do not to fling my arms round her. She was very unwilling to commit herself till I told her not to be silly. She’ll be much better off without paying rent and they’ll be happy together.’

  ‘I really hope so.’

  ‘She’ll take her few prized possessions with her but she won’t want the furniture, so we can have that. Or what we want of it.’

  Ruth looked around the somewhat dreary little house. The last thing she wanted was his mother’s tatty old furniture but she could hardly say that to him. Besides, furniture and new things were still very scarce. It would do for them to make a start. But could she really stomach living here? It would feel like going backwards, especially with no indoor toilet.

  ‘That’s generous of her,’ she managed to mutter.

  ‘I thought so. Lots of this was bought when they got married so it does hold a great many memories for her. So, what do you think? We can get married as soon as you like.’

  ‘Wow. I need to think a minute,’ she said. ‘I’m not sure we should live here,’ she mumbled after a few minutes. ‘Not if I’m to continue to work at the ROF factory. It would be an horrendous journey twice a day.’ She was desperately thinking of excuses not to stay living here.

  ‘So where do you want to live?’

  ‘I was wondering if we might not get a flat somewhere? I know there are lots of flats at Wallbrook.’

  ‘Where your parents live, o
f course,’ he said slightly bitterly.

  ‘Well somewhere else then, if you don’t want to live near them. I was thinking how much I’ve got used to having an indoor toilet. It would be very difficult to go back to going up the yard.’ She hated making this point but it was important to her. Paul stared at her. She looked away from him, hoping she hadn’t offended him. Then he laughed.

  ‘Okay, point taken. Maybe we could get a toilet put inside here.’

  ‘It still doesn’t deal with my work situation. I’d be responsible for making sure we could pay the rent until you get a job.’

  ‘I’ve got my demob pay still intact. Mum wouldn’t let me pay rent or anything else since I got back. That would see us through a few weeks.’

  ‘But are you ready to go back to work yet?’ He looked unsure.

  ‘I… I don’t know. It would depend on the job actually. I’m still somewhat… well, scared I suppose. But I’ve got to do it some time. It seems like a good idea to start looking now, doesn’t it?’

  ‘Oh Paul. I want us to get married as soon as possible. But… I… well, it would feel like going back in time if I moved in here. I’m sorry, but I really don’t think I can do it.’

  ‘You really are ridiculous, you know. My mum has offered us a decent home to live in and is prepared to give us most of her furniture and you turn it down because it feels like going back in time. Honestly, I think it’s the most stupid reason I’ve ever heard.’ He turned from her and stomped off into the kitchen.

  ‘Paul,’ she almost screamed at him. ‘Listen, Paul, please.’ She heard the back door slam. He’d obviously gone out somewhere. She got up and followed him outside. There was no sign of him anywhere. She gave up and went back inside. She could hardly leave or he wouldn’t be able to get back in. She looked at the clock. It was half past four. She had no idea what time his mother was coming back, nor did she know when Paul would come back. She felt tears burning her eyes and running down her cheeks. Was she really being too silly? It was a home she was being offered, after all. She looked in the front room. It was furnished from before the previous war, all dark wood and dark velvet seats, worn through in many places. Victorian style vases and a very old spray of dried flowers were set in the window. It was totally depressing, she thought as she returned to the back room. Everyone lived in the back room. Her own parents always did. In fact, in their new house, the back room was the main room for living with the front room used when everyone was there at Christmas or other special days.