Soul Searching

by Chrissie Loveday

  Ruth went out the back again to look for Paul. He was nowhere in sight. Silly man. He’d gone off in a huff and left her there. Well, she’d leave him to it. She could leave the back door open for him and if anyone else came in, it was too bad. She was certainly not going to sit there waiting for him to decide to come back. She was feeling very cross with him for not even considering how she might feel about his mother’s house and set off down the road towards her bus stop. She kept looking round for him but did not see him. She decided to walk into Longton to take up more time. Somehow, she didn’t want to go back home and have to tell the family it was all over between her and Paul, if indeed it was all over. She arrived at the bus station and was about to look for her bus when she decided to go to the cinema after all. At least she would have time to think and possibly make some decisions.

  The Best Years of Our Lives was the main film showing at the local cinema. Ruth had no idea what it was about, though she recognised the names of Myrna Loy and Frederic March, but she decided it would do for her mood. It seemed odd to go into the cinema on her own but she swallowed her pride and asked for a single seat in the stalls. She was soon engrossed in the story of the men returning from war and having problems in settling back into civilian life. There were many things that rang bells in her mind and she perhaps understood a bit more why Paul was the way he was. Though the film was centred on Americans, they seemed to be suffering from similar problems. Perhaps she was being unreasonable but she knew she really couldn’t bear to live in that house. The end of film came with them all happily at a wedding and that was it. She got up and left the cinema. As she did so, someone called her name. She turned and saw Nigel getting up from a seat further back.

  ‘Nigel,’ she said. ‘Hello.’

  ‘Are you on your own, Ruth?’

  ‘Well, yes.’

  ‘That’s a shame. We could have sat together if we’d known.’

  ‘I suppose so. Sorry, but I need to get my bus now.’

  ‘Please, let me buy you a cup of tea, at least. For old time’s sake.’

  ‘Well, all right then. But it must be a quick one.’

  ‘Or we could have a drink? There’s a pub nearby.’

  ‘I don’t mind.’

  He took her arm and tucked it into his own.

  ‘This is such a nice surprise, running into you here. Excuse me asking, but aren’t you courting someone?’

  ‘Well, yes. I suppose I am, or perhaps I should say was. No, I am.’

  ‘Make your mind up. Come on, in here. What can I get for you?’

  ‘Oh, just an orange squash or something. I’m not fussy.’

  ‘Right you are. Do you want to sit over there?’ He indicated a bench at the side of the room with a table in front of it. She went to sit down and watched him order their drinks.

  ‘There you are. Orange squash. I’m having a pint. They have a good cellar here. Nice and cool. So, what did you think of the film?’

  ‘I quite enjoyed it. Made me think a bit. Must have been difficult for soldiers coming back here again and trying to take up so-called normal lives.’

  ‘I suppose I was lucky to be in a job that kept me out of the services. Mind you, I often felt I was letting people down. Several of the lads from my school were killed. I did feel I should have been there beside them.’

  ‘And get yourself killed? I don’t think so. My Paul had a bad time. He was imprisoned and then escaped and lived undercover. He’s had great difficulty in going out and mixing with ordinary people.’

  ‘So where is he tonight?’

  ‘I don’t know.’ She paused, thinking about what he might be doing. ‘Can I talk to you about him? It doesn’t seem quite right somehow.’

  ‘Course you can, Ruth. I’m very fond of you and I don’t like to see you unhappy.’

  ‘Thanks, Nigel. We’ve had a bust up, actually.’

  ‘Oh dear. Is it a recoverable one?’

  ‘I’m really not sure. He wants us to live in his mother’s house with her furniture and everything. She’s planning to move in with her sister.’

  ‘And what’s wrong with that?’

  ‘The house is just like the one my parents had with the toilet up the yard. I’ve got used to having an inside bathroom and, well, I don’t want to live so far away from work. Especially not in that house with all her old stuff. Am I really being stupid or what?’ Nigel laughed. In fact, he positively roared with laughter.

  ‘Oh Ruth, Ruth my dear girl. You’re not being stupid at all. You want a new place that is your own. Maybe Paul can’t accept that you need things to be different. You know, at one time, I did wonder whether you and I might, well, get together. If we had, I certainly would never expect you to live with my parents or even in my parents old house.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Nigel. But I’ve loved Paul since, well since we were at school. I do still love him, but there is this huge massive block between us.’ She suddenly started to cry and swallowed hard to get rid of the tears that were filling her eyes. Nigel produced a white hankie and she mopped her eyes.

  ‘Come on now. You’ll be all right. Come on now. I’ll take you to your bus.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she sobbed. ‘I don’t know what came over me.’

  ‘Don’t worry about it. Come on, love, let’s go and see about your bus.’

  As they left the pub, a man and woman at another table in the bar were watching the pair.

  ‘Did you see that?’ asked the woman. ‘It was that Paul’s friend, Ruth. I thought they were supposed to be engaged but there she was with another chap. I must ask Paul what’s going on.’

  ‘Leave it alone, our Maude. You don’t want to mess things up.’

  ‘I think he should know about her. I’ll pop round after chapel tomorrow.’

  Chapter Sixteen

  Ruth arrived home slightly earlier than usual but her mother welcomed her in the normal way. Her dad and brother were both out somewhere.

  ‘I’m going straight up if you don’t mind,’ she told her mum.

  ‘Is everything all right?’

  ‘Fine thanks. I just feel tired. Night, night.’

  ‘Night love. Don’t you want a drink of anything?’

  ‘No, thanks.’ She ran upstairs and shut herself in her room. Then she went to clean her teeth and have a wash. It was all so easy in their indoor bathroom. She went back to her own bedroom and sat down on the bed, thinking deeply. Was she actually prepared to lose the man she had loved since forever, over an inside toilet? It sounded so ridiculous as to be untrue. But it was so much more than that. She couldn’t bear the thought of living with his mother’s old furniture. The three-piece suite was grubby and very worn and, as for the scullery, it really was unbearable. But it also meant life without Paul. She had got used enough to that during the war but then she’d believed him to be dead. She got into bed but didn’t sleep.

  *

  ‘Saw your young lady last night,’ said the nosy neighbour to Paul after chapel the next day. ‘Having a drink with a young man, she was. They looked quite friendly, if you know what I mean.’

  ‘Really,’ said Paul. ‘That would be nice for her. Now, if you’ll excuse me, Mum’s waiting.’

  ‘Just thought you’d want to know. About me seeing her, with another man.’

  ‘Thanks. Goodbye Mrs…’ He didn’t actually know her name but walked away from her to where his mother was standing. He felt bad about what she’d told him. Ruth had left after he’d gone out. By the time he came back, she was nowhere in sight. He’d done a lot of thinking while he’d walked. He could understand her feelings, but it had seemed such a good idea and an obvious solution for his mother. It was just for a while, he’d thought, to give them time to save up some money and then move when they’d got something. Meanwhile, he needed to find some work. He’d picked up the Sentinel a few times and opened it at Situations Vacant, but had soon given up looking. He’d expected to find work as an el
ectrician quite soon after he was demobbed but things hadn’t gone the way he’d planned. His inability even to go out alone had been the main handicap and stopped him from applying for any jobs at all. It was all very well for Ruth with her nice little job, but he needed to provide for her. He must find something soon and then they could discuss where to live again. It never occurred to him that she could be thinking of breaking off their engagement. Anyway, he wondered, who was the bloke she had a drink with last night? Maybe it was her brother? He pushed the thought out of his mind and sat down with the Sunday paper, while his mother got on with cooking the lunch.

  *

  Mabel was worried about her daughter. Though Ruth hadn’t said anything, she suspected things weren’t quite as they should be with Paul. When she eventually arrived downstairs on Sunday morning, it was almost time to go to chapel.

  ‘I’m sorry, Mum, but I’m giving it a miss today. I’ll stay here and sort out lunch.’

  ‘But you should come with me. What’s the Reverend going to think if you’re not there?’

  ‘Don’t go on, Mum. I don’t go all that often anyway. I don’t feel like it, okay?’

  ‘Aren’t you feeling well?’

  ‘I’m all right. You get off. Please, Mum, you go.’ She felt very near to tears and knew that if her mother continued to press her she would probably burst out crying. She went into the kitchen and put the kettle on to boil. She poured some water onto the dregs that were lurking in the pot and swished it round, leaving it to settle before she poured it out. Mabel gave up and went to put on her coat and hat for chapel.

  ‘I’ve left the potatoes in the pan ready to put round the meat. It’s only a very tiny joint but we can make it do. At least it’s a joint,’ she said with a sardonic laugh.

  ‘I’ll see to it. You go and enjoy the service.’ Please, just go, she was thinking.

  ‘Well, if you’re sure,’ her mother said. ‘Don’t forget to put the meat in and the potatoes. And make sure the dripping is melted before you put the potatoes in.’

  ‘Don’t worry,’ Ruth replied, putting her hand to her head to make the incipient ache go away. She wondered what she would do with the rest of her day. Usually the weekends were spent with Paul but this one was different. She felt very miserable and as if her life and love were nearly at an end. Her brother came downstairs and saw her standing in the kitchen.

  ‘What’s up with you? You look like the world is coming to an end.’

  ‘It might as well be. I’ve had a row with Paul.’

  ‘Oh dear me. And is that the end of it all?’

  ‘It might well be.’

  ‘So what was it about?’

  ‘Oh, it all seems stupid really. His mum’s leaving and going to live with her sister and wants us to have her house.’

  ‘Oh wow. That’s terrific. Well, isn’t it?’

  ‘Not really. It’s just the same as our old place, complete with a toilet up the yard. And there’s all her old furniture there. It’s really horrible.’

  ‘Couldn’t you put up with it for a while?’

  ‘It’s too far to travel each day to work. And I need to work. Paul hasn’t got a job yet and I don’t know how long it will be before he can even get work.’

  ‘Well, you’ll just have to decide. An inside toilet or marriage to the man you’ve loved forever.’

  ‘You make it sound very easy.’

  ‘Can’t see the problem myself. Any road, couldn’t you get a bathroom put in? You won’t need three bedrooms, will you?’

  ‘Maybe not. But there’s still the problem of furniture and the distance to my work. Too much to think about quickly. Sorry, but I’ve got to put the meat in the oven and then the potatoes.’ She turned away, partly to hide the fact that she was crying and didn’t want her brother to see her.

  By the time Mabel returned from chapel, there was a good smell of meat cooking and Ruth had peeled carrots and chopped up some cabbage ready to boil.

  ‘Oh, you are a good girl, Ruth. Thanks for doing all of that.’

  ‘It’s all right. Nice service?’

  ‘Not bad. I think there were a few folks missing today. Seemed a bit sparse when we were singing. I missed having you and Jimmy beside me.’

  ‘Our Jimmy hasn’t been to chapel for ages and I’m less keen than I used to be.’

  ‘Yes, well.’ She looked hard at her adopted daughter. ‘You’ve been crying, haven’t you?’

  ‘Not really,’ protested Ruth. ‘Well, a bit. Me and Paul, well, we had an argument yesterday.’

  ‘I knew there was summat up. You came home earlier than usual and then didn’t want to say anything. What’s it about now?’

  ‘His mother wants us to have her house. She’s going to live with her sister.’

  ‘So what’s wrong with that?’

  ‘You haven’t seen their house. It’s much worse than our old place and it’s too far away from my work.’ She repeated her saga just as she had told her brother.

  ‘So you’re prepared to give up on Paul for the sake of an inside toilet?’ Mabel asked.

  ‘It’s not just that. Like I said, it’s mainly my work.’

  The argument rattled on until the dinner was ready. Her dad and brother came back from the club and sat down, waiting for their meal.

  ‘There isn’t much meat but you can make up with vegetables,’ Mabel told them.

  ‘What’s up with you, Ruth?’ asked her dad.

  ‘Nothing. Just forget about it all. I’m sick of explaining it all to everyone. Eat your meal and shut up questioning me.’

  ‘Pardon me for speaking,’ he said.

  The rest of the meal was eaten in silence and afterwards Ruth went to do the washing up. She told her mother to sit by the fire and leave her to it. She really felt so unhappy and wanted to be left alone to mope. The washing up completed, she made a pot of tea and took a cup for each of the family.

  ‘Fancy coming out for a walk?’ asked Jimmy.

  ‘I don’t think so,’ she replied. ‘I’m going to my room to do some sorting out.’

  ‘You’re going to your room to have a really good old mope,’ Jimmy observed.

  ‘So what if I am? What’s it to you?’ She turned and ran upstairs and slammed her door shut. She flung herself down on her bed and began to sob. Why was life always so difficult? She really longed for a nice home of her own. A flat would do, as long as it was hers. Furnished how she wanted it and, most of all, with an inside bathroom. There were even some flats on this estate but she knew Paul would never contemplate living here. He was right in the middle of the Potteries and that was where he wanted to be. If they did finish, what was her future? There was always Nigel. There was nothing wrong with him and he had seemed kind and was thoughtful, especially last night. But there was no magic there. Not like with Paul.

  It seemed a long week with nothing to look forward to. Ruth heard nothing from Paul and, in turn, had done nothing to get in touch with him. It felt like the time he’d been away at the war all over again. By Friday, she was looking pale and seemed very low to all the family. Jimmy decided to take her in hand.

  ‘Right, young lady, you’re coming out with me tonight,’ he announced.

  ‘I’m sorry but I don’t feel like it.’

  ‘Nonsense. You’re coming and that’s it. We’re getting a bus to Stafford and going to a new club I’ve heard of. It’s somewhere they might be looking for musicians and so I’m taking my trumpet with us.’

  ‘You don’t need me hanging on.’

  ‘Oh but I do. If I go on me own, I’ll look stupid. If you’re with me it improves my standing. So, go and change and get glammed up. I’ll be waiting for you. Go on. I won’t take no for an answer.’

  ‘Jimmy Davies, you’re a real pain. All right. I’ll go and change and I’ll tag along. Though don’t expect me to enjoy it.’

  ‘Ruth Davies, you’re a real pain too. Cheer up, it might never happen.’ S
he glared at him and went upstairs to get changed.

  It seemed an odd time to be catching a bus to a local town. It was dark and quite cold. Ruth was snuggled down in her winter coat and still she shivered. Jimmy was lively and joked all the time and soon she was giggling at his silly comments.

  ‘That’s better,’ he told her. ‘Nice to see you looking a bit happier. Right, I think this is where we get off. It’s along this road a bit but this is the nearest stop. Come on, take my arm and we’ll soon be inside in the warm.’

  ‘I hope it isn’t one of those modern places with nowhere to sit down.’

  ‘I’ve no idea. Come on, it’s through here.’

  They went in through uninviting-looking doors and were met by a middle-aged woman demanding an entry fee. Jimmy paid for the two of them and they went inside. There was a cloakroom and Ruth was asked for her coat. She felt a bit reluctant to let it go but Jimmy insisted and took her ticket.

  ‘I hope you know what you’re doing,’ she commented. ‘And where did you get so much cash from? You’re not working or anything.’

  ‘Stop worrying, little sister. I have my means.’

  ‘I’m not your little sister. I’m older than you anyway.’

  ‘Only by about ten seconds. Come on now. You sit over there and I’ll get some drinks.’ He put his beloved trumpet down beside her. ‘Look after that for a minute.’

  ‘Nothing alcoholic for me,’ she called after him, hoping he’d heard her. There was a band playing, a rather mediocre band, she thought. Jimmy could certainly liven them up if he got a chance. He came back with something that looked vaguely orange coloured. She took and sipped the drink. ‘What on earth is that?’ she asked.

  ‘Some sort of cocktail. And don’t worry, it’s non-alcoholic. I’m sticking to beer.’