Steel: (#5 The Beat and the Pulse)

by Amity Cross

  As my orgasm crashed into me, I slapped my palms down onto the bench, my fingers curling over the edge, and I held on for dear life. Josh didn’t slow his onslaught as I came and came. He drew more out of me than I thought I had until I was spent and gasping for breath, his name a whisper on my lips.

  Climbing up my body, he pulled me into a seated position and kissed me. Tasting myself on his skin was weird, I’d never had a guy kiss me like this after oral sex, and I found myself sucking greedily as a groan rumbled from him. It pleased him, so I bit down on his bottom lip, and then soothed the marks with my tongue.

  The buzzer went off, signaling our dinner had arrived, and I glanced at the door, my heart still thudding in my chest. Josh extracted himself from my embrace, strode over to the intercom, and let the delivery guy in.

  “You better do something about that,” he said, gesturing to my nakedness. “Or I’m gunna have to kill the pizza guy when he gets here.” Collecting my clothes from where they’d fallen to the floor, he pressed my dress into my hands. “Two minutes, Sparks.”

  Scrambling, I went into the bedroom as there was a knock on the door. I dressed quickly as muffled voices filtered in from the living room, my skin still tingling from the pleasure Josh had just forced out of my body. Force was the wrong word—I’d given it freely.

  Glancing in the mirror at my flushed cheeks and rumpled state, all I could think about was how good that man was with his hands.

  Josh had chosen to arrange the food in the living room when I emerged. Sitting on the couch next to him, I shifted as my lady bits continued to tingle.

  Glancing at me out the corner of his eyes, Josh smirked, knowing exactly what I was doing.

  “I think we should talk,” I began. We hadn’t really discussed anything, and here I was, letting him fuck me with his mouth on my kitchen bench. “That was a little unexpected. Nice but unexpected.”

  “I got a bit carried away,” he said, opening the pizza box. “Sorry.”

  “Yeah…”

  Fuck, I could talk to patients, break bad news, explain treatment plans, and empathize, but I couldn’t talk about my own feelings? Why was this so hard?

  “I fully intended to explain things to you,” I murmured, picking at the pineapple topping on the pizza. “About not calling and the sporadic texts. Then…” I trailed off, my gaze flicking to his.

  “Yeah,” he said. “Sex will do that to a person.”

  I frowned, dumping the slice back into the box. “Josh, it isn’t like that.”

  “Like what?”

  “Just sex. It’s nice and all, but—”

  “But I’m not what you’re looking for?”

  My mouth fell open, and I shook my head furiously. “No.”

  His expression slammed shut, and he dumped the pizza box onto the coffee table. “Right. Understood.”

  Shit, he thought… “Josh,” I exclaimed, practically throwing myself onto his lap. “You’ve got this all wrong.”

  “Have I?” His hands curled around my waist, and I felt him tensing. My money was on him chucking me onto the floor if I couldn’t stop myself from putting my foot in my stupid mouth.

  “Don’t,” I hissed. “I want you.”

  “Archer wants you,” he retorted, his green eyes drilling into mine. “He’s a much better match for a woman like you.”

  “Archer?” I scowled at the thought of the asshole. “No fucking way. I’d rather choke on my own vomit.”

  Josh’s head tilted to the side, his expression turning thoughtful.

  “I have no idea what happened the moment I found you on that footpath,” I murmured. “Or when you woke up and were a total asshole. Or anything that happened after. But what I do know is that I want to give this a shot. You and me. I know I’m going to be a pain in the ass with my job. The hours are long, and there’s always a surgery or a stupid ER rotation, but I want to try.” I settled into his lap, cupping his face in my hands. “Can’t you feel this thing between us? Am I just imagining it?”

  He swallowed hard, his grip tightening on my waist. “No, you’re not.”

  “Then isn’t it worth working it out? It doesn’t have to be all at once. Little by little is good…”

  Running my thumbs across his jaw, I felt the harsh stubble and found an uncanny similarity to his mind. He was harsh but kind and a little rough around the edges. He was intelligent, no matter what he said to the contrary. Josh Caplin was this wild, elemental creature.

  On paper, we didn’t fit, but that was just what society told us we had to be. Society was a human process that wanted to bunch us into categories with lines that never blurred. Take away all that red tape, and you just had a guy and a girl. When we were just Holly and Josh, there was more than a little something there. The trick was getting that stupid society thing to work for us. Change our mindsets about what was proper and what was deserved.

  “Little by little,” he echoed, leaning his forehead against mine.

  I took that as a yes, and I kissed him softly, holding his face firmly in my hands.

  “We can start at the beginning if you like,” I whispered.

  “Yeah? And where’s the beginning?”

  “Twenty questions,” I replied, thinking about the deal he made when he was still in hospital.

  “You tell me something and I will tell you something of equal weight.”

  I smiled as I slid off his lap and curled against his side. Reaching for the pizza, I placed it back on his lap and flipped open the lid.

  “Favorite food?” I asked. “Mine is anything I can reheat in a microwave.”

  His lips curled into a tiny smile, and then a laugh burst forth, the air between us lightening significantly.

  “I believe that,” he said.

  “This pizza will taste great in the morning.”

  “Is that an invitation?”

  “Do you want it to be one?” I asked cheekily.

  “If we’re giving this thing a go, Sparks, I want to spend as much time with you as I can get. I’m going to steal moments whenever I see the opportunity.”

  “Will I get to sleep?” I asked, pinching the slice of pizza from his fingers.

  “Tonight?” He pressed his lips against my forehead. “Not a wink.”

  19

  Josh

  Things worked out pretty great between Sparks and me for a while.

  She kept her promise, and I kept my secrets. I knew she wasn’t telling the whole story about her move from New York, but I’d be a hypocrite if I pressed her for answers. I let her get away with it so I could fly under the radar.

  She said she didn’t care about where I’d come from or where my life was headed because she could see I was a good person. I just reckoned she saw whatever the hell she wanted. I got to believe a woman like her could love me, and she got all the sex she wanted.

  One thing didn’t change. I kept going to The Underground when Sparks was working nights and squeezed in a fight where I could. When she was finished work, I was there to pick her up. So far, she hadn’t twigged what I was doing even though I turned up with random cuts and bruises.

  I didn’t know who she was in a relationship with, but it wasn’t the whole Josh Caplin.

  I was currently standing in the middle of the hospital waiting for her to change so I could take her home. I had no idea where I was in relation to anything. This place was a warren of patched together rooms and corridors, loosely linked by a couple of elevators, but Holly seemed to know where she was going with her eyes closed.

  “Oh, it’s you again.”

  I turned to find Nurse Judy giving me the once over. She still hadn’t forgiven me for my grumpy attitude when I was in this place and didn’t mind reminding me every time she crossed my path. When she found out I was dating Sparks, she just raised an eyebrow, curled her lip, and that was it. Cross a nurse and you were doomed for life.

  “Judy,” I said as I leaned against the bench of the nurses’ station where a large vase of white lil
ies was perched precariously on the edge.

  “Holly know you’re here?”

  “Don’t be so suspicious,” I drawled.

  “Leave her alone, Josh.”

  I turned to find Sparks behind me, a smile on her lips. Fuck, she was sexy. Her hair was loose, flowing wildly around her shoulders, and her eyes had a sparkle to them. Leaning down, I kissed her softly.

  “Just giving as good as I get,” I replied.

  Her gaze softened, and then she zeroed in on the fresh bruise over my left eyebrow. Sabre had smacked me in the face the night before. It’d been a rematch with no holds barred, and it’d left me with another visible mark to lie about.

  “What happened to your face?” she asked, grasping my chin.

  Shaking my head free, I said, “It’s nothing.”

  “You’re cut and bruised!”

  “It was a slip at the gym,” I lied. “Forget about it.”

  Her eyes narrowed. “Another one?”

  “These came for you, Holly,” Nurse Judy said from behind me. “Another lot.”

  Sparks glanced around me, and her expression fell like she’d been kicked in the gut.

  “What is it?” I asked, straightening up.

  Standing before the vase of flowers, she plucked the card from where it’d been placed between the stems. Reading it, she shook her head.

  “Sparks,” I pressed.

  With a scowl, she picked up the vase, rounded the counter, and dumped the entire thing into the bin.

  “Who are they from so I can go punch ‘em out?” I asked, grinding my teeth.

  “I don’t know. They never come with a name,” she said, rounding the counter.

  “It isn’t the first?” I asked, raising my eyebrows.

  She shook her head, scuffing her toe against the linoleum floor. “At first, I thought it might’ve been you, but you never said anything, so I kind of forgot. Then there was this guy in the ER…” She trailed off, her brow furrowing in thought.

  “What guy?” My hackles rose, my protective side simmering.

  “Just some guy I patched up a couple of weeks ago,” she said, turning. When she saw my expression, she leaned against me and tangled her fingers into my shirt. “It was harmless. He asked me out on a date, and I said no. I forgot about it what with everything we were going through.”

  I grunted, my lip curling. The thought of some other guy with his dirty paws all over my Sparks was making my anger surface. I wouldn’t be able to fight tonight, but I’d sure be able to fuck.

  “This is the fourth lot of flowers now,” she went on “It’s beginning to get weird.”

  “More than fucking weird,” I cursed. “I’m calling Charlie.”

  Her head cocked to the side. “Who’s Charlie?”

  “She’s a cop. She’ll look into it for you.”

  “Wait,” Sparks said. “She’s the same woman who came to talk to you after your accident?”

  So she’d ruled my ass beating as an accident. “Yeah. That’s her.”

  “Do we really need to involve the police?” she asked. “It’s just some flowers.”

  “It starts off as flowers. Then it turns into phone calls and creepy surveillance photographs. Charlie’s a friend. She’ll keep it off book.”

  “Phone calls and photos? How do you know?”

  I rolled my eyes and took out my phone. “It’s called the movies, Sparks. I’m not talking from personal experience.”

  She curled her fingers around my wrist. “Leave it,” she said.

  “I won’t leave it.”

  Sparks sighed, pulling away from me. “Call her tomorrow. Tonight, can we just go home and forget about it?”

  Shoving my phone back into my pocket, I echoed, “Tomorrow.”

  * * *

  When Sparks and I rolled up to her apartment, I was surprised to see the place was free of boxes. The brown cardboard was nowhere to be seen, and in its place was a home.

  “What happened here?” I asked as she flicked on the lights. “A Christmas miracle?”

  She laughed, the sound pulling my attention back to her. “It was about time, is all. I’ve been here for almost a year. That’s some epic procrastination.”

  “I’ll fucking say.”

  Turning, I wandered through to the living room, running my fingers over her furniture, and I stopped to look at the books on her bookshelf. They were all medical journals and textbooks. Really big fucking things with long names. Sliding one out, I flicked through the pages. It may as well have been written in gobbledygook for all I understood.

  “Don’t look at that,” Sparks said, materializing next to me. She took the book from my hand and slid it back into place. “It’s dry as hell.”

  “Yeah, but I can’t believe you understand any of it.” My inferiority complex was beginning to surface again and doubt that the longevity of this thing we were playing at would survive the year.

  “Lots of long years studying and having no social life is how,” she declared. “Come. I’ve got you a beer.”

  Threading her fingers through mine, she led me into the lounge room where I sank down onto the couch. Still a fish out of water. I thought about The Underground and telling her everything, but I only had to take one look at her and the life she inhabited to know keeping my mouth shut was a good fucking idea.

  “Can I ask you a question?” she asked, popping the top off both beers and handing me one.

  “Yeah.” I took a mouthful of the smooth brew to hide my reluctance.

  “What do you do all day?” she asked, settling back into the couch, and I pulled her legs across my lap. “I don’t even know if you have a job or anything.”

  I shrugged. “I’m between gigs at the moment.”

  Her eyes narrowed in suspicion. “Really?”

  “Really.” It came out harsher than I intended, and when her expression fell, I knew I’d hurt her. Dick.

  “I don’t know that much about your life. What you do… I just…”

  “I don’t have any direction in life,” I hissed. “Is that what you wanted to hear?”

  She sat up straight, placing her beer on the coffee table. “Josh…”

  “You have this high and mighty career, and I’ve got no prospects whatsoever. You want to make a go of things with a guy like that?”

  She sighed sharply, looking forlorn. “Where is this coming from?”

  I shook my head, not knowing what to say. I never knew where any of the stupid things I thought about came from. They just appeared, and most of the time, they were the truth.

  “I don’t know what I want to do, Hol,” I said. “I’m meant to know, and I don’t.”

  “Then we’ll figure it out,” she said. “Not everybody knows their true calling when society tells them they should.”

  “I just…” I sighed, my shoulders feeling tense. “I want to be worthy of you.”

  “You are,” she murmured.

  “Don’t think about this with your heart,” I argued. “You save lives, Holly. I just…float.”

  “You’re a stubborn asshole, you know that?” she hissed, shoving my shoulder with her tiny hands. The same tiny hands she saved lives with. The same hands she saved my sorry ass with. “I thought I wasn’t good enough for you.”

  I shook my head, seriously thinking the world was going bonkers. “Why would you think that?”

  “C’mon,” she said, rolling her eyes. “You look like that.” She waved her hands up and down, gesturing at my body.

  “That’s just looks, Sparks. That doesn’t mean shit.”

  “It means a lot to heaps of people,” she complained. “You could be the nicest, most honest person with all the book smarts in the world, and that’s still not enough to capture the attention of someone who looks like you.”

  How did this conversation turn into a me versus her argument? I had to put her on the straight and narrow.

  “Sparks, you really don’t know?”

  “Know what?” she asked
, pouting.

  Pulling her into my lap, which happened to be my favorite place to sit with her, I ran my fingers through her hair. “You’re beautiful, and it has just as much to do with who you are inside as it does the package. You mightn’t think it, but if you could see yourself like I do…” I stroked a thumb over her lips and leaned close.

  Her honey-colored eyes sparkled in the dim lamplight. “You think I’m all that?”

  I nodded. I thought she was all that and more, but I was the one who could never live up to it. When she finds out about the things I’d done and the things I did against my better judgment, she would walk away and never come back. I had to keep it from her as long as I could so I could love her a little longer. Fucking selfish asshole.

  Pressing my lips against hers, I kissed her softly, and as she opened up to me, I stroked my tongue against hers.

  Beautiful, elegant, strong, intelligent, and brave. Those were the things I saw in her, the things I lacked. The things I wanted.

  The real Josh Caplin would never be a match for Holly Walsh.

  20

  Holly

  I wasn’t sure when the balance between lust and love had tipped, but I was falling for Josh Caplin.

  There were still so many secrets between us. I had a couple, but Josh seemed to have them in spades. I was beginning to wonder who I was really falling for. The real Josh or a pale imitation.

  When he’d said Charlie was a friend, I began to wonder what she knew that I didn’t. She was one of the detectives who questioned him just after he woke up, so she was privy to information I wasn’t. If she was going to help me look into my flower problem, then maybe I could prod her a little about Josh.

  Josh arranged for her to come and see me at the hospital the next day. I remembered thinking she was beautiful the first time I saw her, but as she walked toward me, I couldn’t help feeling jealous…no matter what Josh had told me last night.

  Charlie Croft could ditch her job as a Detective and walk straight onto a Victoria’s Secret runway. Tall, blonde, flawless. Every man she passed, stopped what they were doing and stared like she was the sun in their bleak existences.