Defect

by Danielle James

  I pushed open the door and the little brass bell on top jingled, alerting her to my presence. “Hello, welcome to Sun Goddess Yoga,” she walked around the corner and I was fucking stunned.

  Her skin glowed with a subtle sheen of sweat, her ponytail was lower than it was when she left this morning and the fine hairs around her hairline were slicked down to her forehead. How the hell did someone look so good when they were sweaty? Her white tank top clung to her body and I found it hard to pry my eyes away from her perky tits.

  “Hey, what’s up?” I found a smile for her. I don’t know where it came from since everything in my head was dark and stormy.

  “Ezra!” She chirped. She sounded like a songbird. My name never sounded so beautiful. “You came!” She launched into my arms and hugged me. I was stunned. I couldn’t hug her back because everything in my brain got scrambled. For a brief moment, I smelled her skin. She smelled like something sweet. Like roses and sugar. It sounded like a strange combination but she made it mouthwatering.

  “I thought you weren’t going to show up.” She smoothed down her tank top and held her hands behind herself.

  “I wanted to at least see the studio,” I told her, looking around.

  “Well, I’m glad you’re here. Like I said, I don’t have any more classes for the day so we can have a free one-on-one session.”

  “Solana, I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing. If I’m being honest, I only came to see you.” My brain still didn’t allow me to filter my thoughts but she didn’t draw back or shy away. She smiled at me and rocked forward on the balls of her feet.

  “That’s fine. I can sneak in some yoga.” She toyed with the end of her ponytail and I longed to slide my fingers through her dark hair. “Would you like to know why I wanted you to come to the studio?” She asked.

  “Because you take pity on me?” I said with a shrug.

  “Pity?” Her pretty face scrunched into a frown as she regarded me. “Why the hell would I take pity on you? No. I asked you to come here because you seem so tense. Yoga is a great way to help you release tension and stress through your body.” She walked over to an area in front of the large bay window with hardwood floors and colorful things rolled up and positioned in a specific order.

  “Unroll one of the yoga mats,” she told me with a gesture. I glanced at the colorful rolls on the floor and picked one up.

  “How?” I asked, frowning at the green cylinder in my hand. I felt so stupid. Solana smiled a little and walked over to me. Her hips seemed to sway to their own beat and every step she took set off drums in my head.

  She was an ancient song I’d heard thousands of times before.

  I watched her slender fingers untie the straps and unroll the mat right before my eyes. “See? Easy.” She turned on her heel and walked to the center of the space. “Lay your mat down and stand in the middle of it.” I stretched the soft red mat out on the floor and stood in the middle like she asked me to. “Lift your chin for me,” she walked over and touched two fingers to my chin. Her touch was gentle but I still felt the soft graze of her fingertips. “Perfect.”

  I was so used hearing defect that the word perfect didn’t register. “Perfect?” I frowned. “I’m not doing anything. I’m just standing here.”

  “I know. That’s the mountain pose. You’re great at it. If you want to continue with a few more poses, take your shoes off and put them by the door.” Her voice was soothing to my ears. My brain ate it up and demanded seconds.

  I took my shoes off immediately and set them by the door. Solana gifted me with one of her gorgeous smiles and I felt my lips curve to match hers. They were so full. The deep plum color painted on them looked like velvet. When I walked back over to the yoga mat, she stared at me for a few seconds then let her brown eyes travel down my arms to my hands.

  “See? Yoga isn’t hard.”

  “You just had me stand there. Even I can do that.”

  “What do you mean even you? You’re talking like you’re not able to do other things. I don’t tolerate low vibrational self-talk in my space, Ezra.” She wagged her finger at me and I thought about catching her wrist in my hand and slipping her finger into my mouth. I wanted to know if she tasted like rose sugar too.

  “I don’t know what any of that means but okay.” I watched her eyes brighten as she circled me on the red yoga mat. She opened up like a flower in the sun. Even though she smelled like roses she’d definitely be a sunflower if she were planted in the soil.

  “You know what it means,” she said stopping in front of me with a raised eyebrow. Her face was composed of delicate features that made her look exotic. Like she was too special and rare to be from this planet.

  “I don’t. Takes a while for my brain to catch on to things.” I tapped my temple and Solana frowned at me.

  “Ezra, what does low vibrational talk mean?” She waited for an answer like she expected the right words to tumble from my lips. She really didn’t know how fucked my head was.

  “Negative talk?” I shrugged my shoulders not knowing if that’s what she wanted to hear. That’s what my brain wanted to say though. The words leaped out at her command like my mind craved her direction.

  I wanted to follow her.

  I’d follow her directly into the sun.

  “Exactly. See? You know what I’m talking about. Give yourself a chance. Now like I said, I don’t tolerate low vibrational self-talk. You’re too bright of a light to dim yourself on purpose. The world will try to dim you anyway. Don’t contribute to your own sabotage.” Her hand brushed across my shoulders and I felt the air around us crackle. I could almost hear the electricity. I must not have been alone because she paused and looked at me curiously. “Did you…feel that?” She asked. Her slanted brandy-colored eyes were wide enough for me to fall in head first.

  “Yeah. I thought I was losing it,” I chuckled. She paused when I smiled. She smiled too.

  “The energy in here is…amazing.” She swallowed and the way her throat dipped sent my blood rushing through my veins like it was carbonated. My chest squeezed and I rubbed the space between my pectoral muscles hoping to loosen that spot.

  “Um…yeah,” she stammered taking a step back. “Make sure when you speak about yourself that you only say good things.”

  “What if I can’t find any good things to say?” I asked. The corners of her eyes crinkled slightly and her lips dropped a bit.

  Sadness.

  I hated seeing it on her. She was too happy to be sad.

  “We’ll work on that.” She stood on her own yoga mat and looked at me. “Go into the mountain pose again, Ezra.” That was easy. I stood with my feet together, my shoulders back and my chin lifted slightly. Solana nodded her head and said, “Now breathe nice and deep. Feel it come from your core.” She walked over to me and pressed her palm to my stomach. Her hands felt warm like she had heat stored in her fingers. I felt it push into my core and suddenly I could breathe deeper.

  My lungs expanded, pressing against my back. The storm always raging in my mind settled into a shower of rain. “Good. Perfect,” she said. Her soft voice was strong and confident. She made me feel like something as simple as breathing properly was an accomplishment.

  “Shut your eyes and breathe with me like this. We’ll do a ten count, okay?” I was afraid to answer her because somehow Solana helped me feel calm. I held peace right at my center and I thought that if I opened my mouth, it would evaporate. I nodded my head and continued to breathe while the warmth from her hands poured into me.

  I took ten deep breaths. Each one was more calming than the last. When we reached ten, she dropped her hand and the energy she was pushing into me left. My body ached from withdrawal already. My eyes popped open and I looked down at this tiny woman with this huge energy inside of her.

  I gripped her wrist and laced my fingers between hers. I wanted to feel that energy again. Her gaze snapped to mine. I expected her to pull away and the thought of it made my mind fuzzy. She didn’t pu
ll away though. She let me hold her hand. After a few seconds, her fingers bent gently, resting on my knuckles.

  “I can feel something when you touch me,” I said. I knew I sounded stupid. I scolded myself for not having the right words at my disposal.

  “You can feel that?” She grinned. I nodded my head and to my surprise, she held out her hand for my other hand. I gave it to her. I’d give her whatever she wanted.

  While she stood there with her fingers laced between mine, she shut her eyes so I did the same. Like I said, I’d follow her anywhere. While our fingers were locked, heat stirred in her palms. It was warm though. Not like touching fire. More like touching a laptop after it had been running for a while.

  “You’re so…sad,” she said pulling in a breath. My chest felt like it would explode when I heard her voice tremble. It was heavy with empathy. It was like she could hear my pain without me having to say a word. My own mother couldn’t hear me when I yelled it from the rooftops.

  “How can you tell?” I asked her. My voice was so deep compared to hers. It was so rough and gravelly that I felt like I should be quiet in her presence and let her talk.

  “I don’t know. I can feel it.” Her eyes were still closed but I couldn’t help stealing a peek at her. Her dark brows knitted together like she was reading me through the way our palms touched. She was in her element and she glowed with so much beauty it was hard to look directly at her. It was like staring at the sun.

  Her eyes opened suddenly and we stared at each other.

  “Ezra, can you stick around a little longer?” She asked. “I want to show you a few things.”

  “Yeah. Sure.” I shrugged my shoulders and she smiled. I wanted to keep making her do that. I didn’t like how sad she looked. I didn’t like that I made her look that way.

  “Okay. Let’s keep going with our session. I’m going to show you how to do the sun salutation. We’ll take a tea break after that. Sound good?”

  “Do I get to keep hanging out with you?” I asked her, shoving my hands in my pockets. A deep crimson—deeper than the ocean—rose to the surface of her brown cheeks.

  “Yeah. You do,” she nodded her head, her long hair moving with the motion.

  “Then I’m down.”

  “Okay. Cool.”

  After that brief moment, she went into instructor mode and talked me through every pose in the sun salutation. I had no idea it was so involved. Probably because my knowledge of yoga didn’t go beyond the gym teacher trying to show us something new in school. Solana was better than the burly gym teacher though. I could watch her move all day.

  She was like water, like rain. Her body moved and flexed without any effort. I’d never been in the presence of someone who was living in their purpose before. That was Solana. I could tell that yoga was her calling. She was fucking amazing. Even the way she pushed her breath in and out sounded like a song. She was a work of art.

  “You’re doing so good, Ezra,” she beamed after we went through all the moves for the sun salutation.

  “That’s because I’m watching you.”

  “No, that’s because you’re letting go. Yoga works so much better when you let go of inhibitions and the fear of looking stupid.”

  “So you’re saying I look stupid?” I quizzed with a smirk. She bared her perfect white teeth in a gorgeous smile. She shook her head and walked over to me. The top of her head didn’t even come up to my chin. She was so tiny that I was afraid of hugging her. What if I broke her?

  “Look at you cracking jokes.” She bumped me with her slender hips and walked over to a corner where she had a table set up with an electric kettle and small containers with dried flowers and herbs inside. “Do you drink tea, Ezra?”

  “No, but I’ll try it if you make it for me.” I sat down on a stool at the table and Solana looked at me. Her eyes lingered on my face then they slipped down to my neck. Then my chest.

  “How tall are you?” She finally asked. “You make me feel like a toddler even when you’re sitting down.” She turned away from me but I could still see the apples of her cheeks sitting high from how hard she was smiling.

  “Six-foot-six.”

  “Holy shit, Ezra. You’re a mountain.” She spun around and her wide-eyed expression made me laugh. She was fucking adorable.

  “Thanks?” I chuckled.

  “I mean…good lord. I’m only five-two. You’re more than a foot taller than me. I just…it doesn’t compute.”

  “Damn, you are tiny.” I looked at her slender waist and inched up to her full tits. They were in perfect proportion to the rest of her body. Everything on her was perfect.

  “Tiny but mighty,” she said defiantly.

  “Absolutely.” I couldn’t argue with that. Her vibe was bigger than the guys on the football team that Everett used to play with.

  “So…tell me about yourself. What’s your last name? Where are you from?”

  “Fredericks. Inglewood.”

  “Ezra Fredericks?” She tapped her finger against her cheek like she was trying to place my name. I cringed inside wondering if she watched the news and heard about the car accident. “Why does that sound so familiar?” She asked aloud.

  “You watch the news at all in the past month or so?”

  “Yeah. I have an unhealthy obsession with the news,” she frowned. “Have you been on the news?”

  “Not exactly. You heard about the Mack truck that rear-ended the SUV?”

  “Yes!” She snapped her fingers then looked at me with utter confusion splashed across her delicate features. “Wait…the kid in the crash died, right? Everett Fredericks.”

  “Yeah. My twin brother. He was in the backseat. I was in the front.” The storm raged in my head and I wished I could silence it the way I did when I was breathing with Solana.

  She brought her fingers up to her mouth and stared at me. “Oh my god, Ezra…I am so fucking sorry.” It was the first time someone told me they were sorry and I actually felt like they meant it. I could see the tears starting to shimmer in her eyes. It made them look translucent.

  “That’s probably why you can feel how sad I am,” I told her with a shrug. “My head went through the windshield but he died. Now…”

  “You’re feeling like you’re all alone because the person you’ve known since conception is gone. I can’t imagine the weight of that. Can I hug you, please?” She took a timid step toward me and I lowered my head before the tears always present in my mind rolled down my cheeks. When I nodded my head, Solana wrapped her arms around my neck and pressed her warm cheek against my face.

  I didn’t want to crush her tiny frame but the pull to hug her was too strong for me to resist. I wrapped my arms around her body and held her close. Without my permission, sadness streaked my cheeks and rolled down to my chin. “It’s okay,” she whispered in my ear. Her soft lips brushed against my skin and even tangled in thick ropes of anguish, I felt the electricity crackle to life between us. “I know it doesn’t feel okay but it’ll be okay. I promise.”

  “How?” I sobbed quietly against the tiny woman with a huge spirit. She held me like I was smaller than her.

  “I’ll help you,” she said. “I’ll be your friend.” She cupped my face in her warm hands and wiped my tears with her thumbs. When I looked at her I saw she was crying as much as I was. She heard my wounded heart. She didn’t run from my broken brain.

  She didn’t think I was a defect.

  She wanted to be my friend.

  “I don’t know how I’m supposed to be friends with you, Solana. You’re gorgeous and I’ll probably scare you off because I won’t be able to stop staring at you.”

  “Well, now that I know you’re way too young for me to look at the way I’ve been looking at you…trust me, it’ll be easy. We’ll fall into a rhythm of friendship before you know it.”

  “Wait…” a chuckle fell from my lips in spite of the pain rumbling in my chest. “How were you looking at me?” I asked.

  “What? Oh…did I s
ay that out loud? Shit. I have to get better at keeping my mouth shut.” She tucked her full bottom lip between her teeth and I laughed a little more. It was the first time I’d laughed since I lost my brother.

  “Yeah, you said that out loud.”

  “Well, ignore it. We’ll be friends. I know I can’t ever replace your twin but if you let me, I’ll do everything I can to help you and be there for you.”

  “Solana…there’s something you need to know about me,” I said pulling away from her beautiful warmth. I was getting ready to tell her how broken I was inside. How dark and useless my brain was.

  “What do I need to know about you besides the fact that your energy is beautifully sad and you need a friend?”

  “I’m not right in the head. When I went through the windshield it fucked my brain up. I have frontal lobe trauma and it affects how I act. I blurt things out, I have angry outbursts, I don’t make great choices anymore…” When I looked at her, she was smiling instead of pulling away.

  “Ezra, nothing is wrong with you. My brain is fucked up too. I have PTSD from getting my ass beat when I was with my ex. I still have nightmares about the way he hit me like I was a grown man. I still wake up worried that he finally snapped and killed his son and himself.

  Your brain isn’t fucked up because your head went through a windshield. You’re heartbroken because you lost your twin brother.” She walked closer to me and touched the side of my face.

  “No, the doctors said…” She put her finger over my lips and stunned me silent.

  “Fuck those doctors. They can’t tell you how to feel or how to heal. Let me help you. Okay?” She reached behind herself and handed me a mug of tea. I took it gladly and raised it to my lips.

  “Okay.” The tea tasted like flowers and earth. I frowned at it and held it away from my face. “What the fuck is in that?” Solana’s face lit up with laughter. It twinkled through the air and eased the pain inside of me like salve on a burn.

  “It’s chamomile and lavender. It’s amazing for relaxation. Try it.”