Pretend

by Riley Hart

  Mason shoved to his feet. “But would you? Would you take that job if I’m still gone when it started and I needed you? Christ, I love that about you. You give one hundred percent of yourself to people you care about, but I’m not going to be the one to hold you back. Plus,” Mason went back down to the bed.

  “We both have so much shit going on, Gav. I’m torn between my family loyalty, business, and fucked in the head over my parents. You’re the same way about yours and your career. Don’t get me wrong. I want you. I feel you, right fucking here.” He touched his chest. “But our relationship so far is based on feeling screwed up because of other people. It’s based on you being there for me at the bar, and me being the one to push you when you need it. That’s shit we need to be doing on our own. I don’t want to be what teaching at that school was to you. I don’t give a shit if you take that job or not, as long as whatever you do is what you want. Right now you’re living your life dependent on what I need or what your family needs. You just replaced me with your old job. Don’t you see that? You’re still not living for yourself, music man. I’m using you to forget about all the shit going on in my head. I don’t want that for us.”

  Every one of Mason’s words slammed into him, rained down on him in punch after punch, hitting every one of his internal organs.

  Mason was right. As much as he hated it, Mason was right.

  “I love you, ya know?” And he did. He knew that. Despite all the other shit, he knew that. He felt Mason in a way he’d never felt anyone else.

  “I know. I love you, too. I’ve fucked up too much in my life, though, and I don’t want to do that with you. If we don’t get our own shit figured out on our own, it’s always going to weigh us down. It’ll just fuck us up later. I can’t be your excuse for not knowing what you want for your life, or for not going for it. I can’t let you be my distraction, either. Maybe I really do want the restaurants. Maybe that’s why I’d originally planned on going back. Maybe not. Maybe Mom is right and I need to sort things out with my birth mother. I just know I can’t give you everything you deserve right now, no matter how much I want to.”

  Could Gavin say he gave Mason everything he deserved as well? He didn’t know.

  His feet felt like they were made of lead as Gavin walked over to his lover. He stopped in front of him, stood between Mason’s legs. His arms went around the man, and Mason’s did the same to him. He slid his hands down the back of Gavin’s underwear, rested his head against Gavin’s chest.

  The tension in the room suffocated him. Somehow, even though they were walking away, it didn’t feel like running. It felt like fighting—for themselves and each other.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

  Mason worked every day straight for the next three weeks. The accounting was a disaster, as was the restaurant itself. He still wasn’t sure he’d found all the discrepancies, and he had their accountant scouring the books now, too.

  They’d lost two employees, which meant being short-staffed and trying to hire new people on top of everything else.

  In a lot of ways, it was a rush—the feeling of building this place up again. It was almost the way he felt when he’d bought Creekside. His dad wasn’t able to be here, and Isaac kept busy with Denver and Boulder.

  The responsibility of Durango fell completely on his shoulders, and as stressful as that was, Mason realized something about himself: he loved that feeling as well.

  He wasn’t sure what to do with that. All he knew was he felt like he was accomplishing something here. He worked to bring his father’s favorite restaurant back to its former glory, which it deserved. And he was honoring his father at the same time.

  He still carried the piece of paper with him that his mother had given him. A name and address in his wallet. He needed to see her as well, but one thing at a time. Alexander’s deserved his attention right now, and that’s what Mason gave everything to.

  The same way his father had.

  ***

  Gavin sat in the room with his dad while he slept. His mom was busy at her church today, and Gavin had felt the urge to visit with his father. It still wasn’t something he did as much as he should. It hurt to look at him. To know that he was slowly losing himself and that he would probably die not remembering who Gavin was—and if he did, being disappointed in that person.

  He wasn’t an idiot. Even if his father remembered one day, that didn’t mean he would the next, but damn he wanted to talk to him. To tell his father who he was, and for him to at least once be okay with who that person was.

  “Gavin?” His voice sounded harsh; not angry, but dry and almost like a hack.

  Thank you, he wanted to say. Today, his father remembered his name. “Yes, it’s me, Dad. Here, let me get your some water.”

  He filled a cup for his father and then set it in his shaky hand. He struggled slightly to keep from spilling the drink, but Gavin held off. No man wanted to need help taking a drink of water.

  “What are you doing here today?” He handed Gavin the cup.

  “Coming to see you.”

  “Good. That’s good. I miss you. I don’t see you enough…I don’t think.”

  The pain in his dad’s voice made his chest hurt. He couldn’t imagine losing his mind that way, those moments when he realized what was happening to him.

  “I know. I need to get out here more. I’m sorry about that.”

  “It’s okay. I’m sure you’re busy with work and everything.”

  He could easily lie. Today, his father obviously didn’t realize it was summer. Gavin couldn’t do that. Not this time. “Not at the moment. I’m between jobs right now. I am getting my Colorado license, though. There’s a possibility I might have a new job at the beginning of the year, if I want it. I still haven’t decided.”

  His father’s forehead wrinkled. “Why wouldn’t you want it?” And then, “You like it, don’t you? Teaching. You were always so good. We knew you would be, but…do you like it? I’ve always wondered that but I never let myself ask.”

  Because he’d feared the answer, and maybe because he needed that to feel proud of Gavin. The knowledge hurt, but there was nothing he could do about that.

  “I do. I miss it. There’s something special about introducing music to children. I just… I let it rule my life before. I guess I don’t want that to happen again.”

  His dad laughed, then went into a coughing fit before saying, “Then don’t let it.”

  He hadn’t expected those words at all. “It’s not that easy.”

  “It’s not?” At first he sounded confused, but then Gavin realized he wasn’t. “I’m losing my mind, son. Some days I don’t know who you are or who my wife is. Hell, sometimes I don’t know who I am. When I do, the rest of it seems pretty simple.”

  Gavin caught his father’s eyes, trying to see the knowledge there. If there was more to what he just said, or if Gavin just wanted there to be. His first instinct was to wait, to feel him out and see what he said. The last thing he wanted was to hurt his family. For his father to get agitated because of something Gavin said. But damn, he wanted this moment. This moment between them to be honest and binding. Who knew how many more they might have.

  “I guess you’re right. It doesn’t always feel that way, though. My boyfriend and I broke up a few weeks back. It made sense at the time, but when you say that, say that things should be easy, it makes me wonder if maybe we didn’t give up too soon.”

  His dad was so quiet for so long, Gavin wasn’t sure he would answer. When he did his voice shook. His eyes were wet. “Is it that same boy?”

  Braden. He meant Braden.

  “No, Dad. We ended things years ago.” Gavin couldn’t breathe, the air trapped in his chest as he waited.

  “Do you love him? The other man?”

  That was an easy question. Gavin nodded. “I do.”

  “I always loved your mother. So much it hurt.”

  Slowly, Gavin reached over and grabbed his father’s hand. “I know, Dad.”
/>
  “It was never a thought, never a conscious decision I made to love her. It just happened.” He paused, then added, “Was it like that for you?”

  Gavin’s chest felt like it expanded. Like it fucking grew, because this was the first time that anyone acknowledged that fact, that whatever he felt for another man could be love. “Yes.”

  The tears were rolling down his face now. It was the first time in his life that he’d ever seen his father cry. Damned if it didn’t cause a lump to form in Gavin’s throat.

  “Everything…like I said, everything else feels so much easier right now. I couldn’t see that when I was healthy. I don’t know what it means for you to be gay, son. I’ve always believed one thing, and it hurts to fear for you, that I won’t be reunited with you one day, but I can say, knowing that I’m losing who I am…did we do that to you? Try to take away who you are?”

  They had, but in this moment, it all wiped away. “It doesn’t matter.”

  Gavin stood, leaned over the bed and hugged his father while the man cried. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” he whispered, over and over. Maybe he would change his mind. Maybe he would forget this conversation tomorrow. But Gavin chose not to focus on that. He was taking this moment, and this would be the one he held on to. Nothing else mattered. This is who Gavin was and would always be. He was proud of that. And right now, he thought maybe his father was, as well.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

  Mason stared at the woman sitting across from him. Her eyes were the same shape as his. The same shade of green. Damned if he didn’t have her smile, too. “I didn’t come here because I want you to be my mother. I have one.”

  She nodded. “I know that. I would never expect anything different. I’m glad you’re here, though.”

  They’d spoken for an hour. Not about anything of importance. The restaurant, and how she went back to school recently. They made sure to skip over the hard parts, but they couldn’t do that forever. Hell, Mason didn’t want to.

  “They loved me. They treated me well.”

  “I knew they would. That’s all I ever wanted for you.”

  Then why couldn’t you do it? But then, did he want that? He fought an internal war with himself. He wished she’d wanted him enough to get clean for him, to be his mother, but he also didn’t want to change the parents he had. The ones who had always loved him, and who would do anything for him.

  “I’m sure that’s hard for you to understand. Or maybe it’s not. Maybe at this point it’s too late, but I want you to know, I love you. I always have. I…I wasn’t in the place where I could be the mother you deserved. They were able to give you things I never would have been able to. That’s a selfish answer in a lot of ways. I should have made myself be the person you deserved, but I didn’t, and there’s no going back. It was never you, though. It was all my fault. Always. And I have always loved you, Mason.”

  Christ, it was almost as though those words lifted the weight off his chest. The question in his head that hadn’t stopped in the months since he found out.

  “I went to see you once. Did your mom tell you that? I wanted you back. She didn’t know that, of course, but I wanted you, and then… God, you were happy. Such a smart, well-adjusted, happy kid, and she loved you with all her heart. She loved you the way I did, only she had the courage to be the mother you deserved, when I didn’t. I knew I could never fight for you. You were where you belonged, and I missed out in this beautiful, smart, sweet little boy. I will always regret that.”

  It’s incredible how much a person needs to feel wanted. Mason didn’t like that about himself, that need, that he’d desired to hear those words from her, but it was true. “Thank you…thank you for doing what was best for me.”

  She didn’t cry, and he didn’t, either. Did he get that from her? He wondered. The fact that he could feel but he still never cried.

  “Can I ask questions about you? Your life? Are you married, or do you have children?”

  “No, not married. I have someone I care about, though. He’s in Blackcreek. Things are…complicated at the moment, though.”

  His mom—no, he couldn’t call her that—Cherise laughed. “Oh, I recognize the sound of that. Why do things get complicated so easily?”

  Mason shrugged. “It was probably my fault. I wanted to do the right thing. I think I did. I’m still not sure, though.”

  “I think that’s part of life. We never really know if the decisions we’re making are right or wrong. If we’re making them for the right reasons or not. There’s only so much you can do. Trust yourself, follow your heart and your gut, and hope for the best. There’s nothing more any of us can do than that.”

  He sure as hell hoped so, because despite the fact that he actually enjoyed what he was doing here in Durango, there was one thing he missed, one person he was still sure about. Gavin. The man was his, and Mason wanted him back.

  Still, he couldn’t walk away from his responsibility here.

  ***

  “I want to buy the house. I’ll understand if you don’t want to sell. I can look around for something else, but—”

  “Yes.” Wes grinned.

  “Hey!” Braden crossed his arms. “Who said you can sell my house, Wesley?”

  Wes rolled his eyes. “Will you stop giving Gavin shit? You and I both know we’ve talked about selling it. We both know it makes you happy that Gavin will be the one to live in it, because then, for the rest of his life, you can claim responsibility for bringing him to Blackcreek.”

  Wes knew his husband well. “Should I leave you two alone?” Gavin teased.

  “No. We can wait until you leave. As long as it’s within five minutes. But yeah, my husband is right.” Braden looked at Wes. “Don’t get used to it, you’re not right often enough for that.”

  Gavin took a step backward. “You’re getting yourself in trouble, Braden. He looks like he wants to kill you.”

  Braden winked. “It’s more fun that way.”

  Yeah, definitely time to go. “I’ll leave you two to it. We’ll talk more, but I really appreciate it, man.”

  “I’ll be back.” Braden kissed Wes and then followed Gavin to the door. “Have you and Mason talked?” It had been six weeks since he left, and they hadn’t spoken a word to each other.

  “No, but I could call him just as easily. I’m working on me right now.” For once.

  “Good for you. It’s good to see you happy. You deserve it. You played the part well before, but you were never really happy, were you? Not even when we were together.”

  “No.” He knew his answer wouldn’t hurt his friend’s feelings. He hadn’t been happy. Not totally. In certain aspects of his life, yes, but he deserved the whole package, didn’t he? Everyone did.

  “Wow…” Braden crossed his arms.

  “What?”

  “I think that’s the first time I haven’t made someone happy.”

  “You’re fucking crazy.” He shook his head at his friend, who laughed. “Go inside and see your husband. I have some things to take care of.”

  “I think you’re underestimating my shock right now.”

  “Good bye, Braden.”

  Gavin jogged to his car and left.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN

  Mason loved Fall in Colorado. It was his favorite time of the year—the leaves changing, knowing that the snow would soon come, saying goodbye to summer. It always felt like the beginning of something, and hell, maybe that’s what it was.

  After knocking on the door, he pushed his hands into his pockets. Maybe it made him an asshole that he came here without calling first. It would serve him right if another man answered the door, and then he’d likely commit murder and end up in prison.

  So yes, he definitely should have called first—or at least asked around.

  But he hadn’t. He was back in Blackcreek, and there was one place he wanted to be more than anywhere else.

  The door pulled open and Gavin stood there. Christ, he was even sexier than M
ason remembered. And he was wearing… “Slacks and a button-up? You look like a teacher.”

  Gavin scratched his earlobe. “I am a teacher.”

  That made Mason smile. Good. He was glad about that. Gavin deserved to have the career he loved so much. “A teacher who could have possibly had another man answer the door right now?”

  “Is that really one of the first things you’re going to say to me?”

  “You have to admit, it’s an important one.”

  Gavin sighed, held the door open, and Mason walked in. The house was decorated completely different than it had been when he left. He had no doubt the navy blue furniture and records on the walls were Gavin’s things. Braden’s old furniture was gone.

  His eyes caught something in the corner of the room and he smiled. “You kept it.”

  “Free piano. Why wouldn’t I?” Gavin closed the door. “And there’s not another man, but I’m a teacher who everyone knows might have a man in his life.”

  So he hadn’t been playing things the way he had been before. He wasn’t living two lives. Knowing that filled Mason with warmth. “Good, on both accounts. I was afraid I’d have to hurt someone when I got here. I’m not really sure how well I’d do in prison, so I guess I better count my blessings.”

  “You’re ignoring the fact that my partner could have been the one to take you out. He would be strong, my backup. You wouldn’t want to fuck with him.”

  Mason got a pain in his chest. He knew he had no right to ask this question, but that wouldn’t stop him. “Was there one? A backup?”

  “We broke up, Mase. Do you really think you have the right to ask me that?”

  Fuck. No, he didn’t. Mason sat in the chair, closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I think I want to kill him.”