Falling into Surrender

by A. Zavarelli

  My suspicion takes the form of snarkiness as I quirk my eyebrow at him in question. Time to go… where?

  “What do you mean?”

  “You are officially free to go,” he says, apparently unfazed by my bitter tone. “All charges dropped. Your boyfriend is waiting outside for you, and he’s brought you a fresh change of clothes to go home in.”

  I can’t move. At first I think I might be delusional, imagining things. I set down my book and take a step like the floor is made of lava. Like someone’s about to jump out and tell me it’s all some big joke, and I’m the butt of it.

  The way the guard’s looking at me tells me this probably isn’t at all unusual. I force both my feet to cooperate as I walk down the long corridors, looking over my shoulder every chance I get. The guard takes me to a small room where a female guard gives me some clothing to wear. It’s a thin summer skirt and blouse with matching sandals. No doubt Gabriel picked them out because I notice they’re all designer tags. The thought that I’m walking out of prison in designer clothing is a little ridiculous.

  After I change, I’m given a bag full of the contents I had with me when I arrived. Which, after my clothing had been taken as evidence, turns out to be only a small bracelet I was wearing that day, as well as a few coins from my pocket. The detectives are there to greet me. They explain that their investigation is complete, and all charges against me have been dropped.

  Overwhelming emotion takes the form of dizziness as they lead me towards freedom. Outside the gates, a black car is waiting, with Gabriel leaning casually against it. I come to a dead halt as he strides across the lot and scoops me up into his arms, kissing me softly.

  His warmth, his touch, his scent… they all wash over me like a balm to my battered spirit. This is really happening. Gabriel pulls away, holding me at arm’s length while he studies me for a few moments.

  “Jesus, baby,” he whispers. “You’re skin and bones. What did they do to you in there?”

  “It’s nice to see you too,” I say through the rush of tears.

  He furrows his brow and pulls me back into his arms, burying his face in my hair. “I’ve missed you so much.”

  He ushers me to the waiting car and Paul opens the door for us, greeting me with a bigger smile than I’m used to. As I glance over my shoulders, I see the detectives smiling back at me.

  Once inside the confines of the car, Gabriel already has the privacy screen up. He sets me down on the seat before sliding in next to me. His expression has changed from one of pure elation to one of uncertainty as he speaks.

  “Victoria,” he begins. “Are we okay? Do we need to talk about what happened?”

  I cut him off by climbing astride him and wrapping my hands around his neck, holding his head in place as I lean in and kiss him. A heart wrenchingly sweet kiss. His lips feel so good on mine I never want to leave them. Gabriel groans beneath me and clutches me like his very life depends on it.

  “I need you,” I whisper against him.

  It’s all I have to say. His hands set to removing as much of my clothing as he has the patience for. When he reaches my panties, he simply pulls them aside while I unzip his pants. He’s hard as steel in my palm when I grasp him, and I wonder if he can feel the crazy amount of tension between us too. The buildup of our time spent away from each other, and everything that we’ve been though together. This is what I need, to feel him inside of me, connected to me. I don’t hesitate for a moment as I lower myself onto him.

  Gabriel makes love to me during the entire car ride home. It’s different than what I’m used to, and I’m not sure why. He’s treating me like I’m made of glass. And when we are finished, I swear I can see regret in his eyes.

  “What’s the matter?” I ask nervously.

  “Nothing,” he reassures me. “I just don’t want to hurt you.”

  I nod, trying to accept that he’s just being protective.

  “We’re here,” he announces.

  When I look out the window and realize we’re at his apartment, a bit of panic takes over.

  “Alanna!” I say quickly. “I need to go to my apartment and see her.”

  Then for a brief moment I wonder why she didn’t come with Gabriel to get me. It seems so unlike her. Perhaps she’s still feeling guilty, or maybe Gabriel told her he preferred to come alone. Either way, I need to see her, talk to her, and make sure that we’re all right.

  “It’s okay,” Gabriel reassures me. “You’ll see her soon I promise.”

  With a chaste kiss to my forehead, he redresses me and tugs me out of the car. I trail behind him, not really sure what he means, but I’m too overwhelmed to argue. As I walk through the fresh air, it finally hits me. I’m free. Not just from prison, but from running, from Eleanore, all of it. I can finally live without looking back over my shoulder. Although, I suspect, it will still take more time for that to really sink in.

  As we step into the elevator, Gabriel seems a bit nervous and somewhat detached. He has his arm wrapped tightly around my shoulder, but I can tell his thoughts are elsewhere. When we finally arrive at the top floor and open his door, we’re greeted by a swarm of friendly faces. Alanna, Trevor, Angelina, and Abel are all waiting inside for us.

  There’s a commotion all around me as I’m quickly scooped up for hugs… by everyone but Alanna. She is standing back nervously, watching me with a shy smile on her face. So not like the Alanna I know. I take a tentative step towards her, and her lips finally curl up into a full blown grin as she pulls me in for a bear hug.

  Gabriel ushers the rest of the guests into the kitchen to get some drinks, and I’m left alone with Alanna. She pulls away from me slowly, concern furrowing her brow.

  “Victoria, I want to explain…”

  “It’s okay. It doesn’t have to be right now.”

  “No, it does,” she states firmly. “I can’t stand walking around for one more day with this on my chest. You were refusing our letters and visits over the last couple of weeks, and I’ve been so racked with guilt. Please, just give me five minutes. Come out to the balcony with me?”

  I glance across the room at Gabriel, and though Trevor is engaging him in conversation, he gives me a reassuring nod. I take Alanna’s outstretched hand and follow her out to the balcony. Once the glass door is shut behind us, we both sit down on the wicker chairs facing each other.

  “Victoria, first of all, I have to say that I am so sorry I didn’t tell you before. I know it’s too late to say it now, but over the years I did try to tell you. Every time I thought I could, you would say something so nice, and I would chicken out. I couldn’t bear to have you hate me for what I did.”

  “I don’t hate you,” I reply softly. “I just don’t understand what happened.”

  Alanna takes a deep breath and her eyes fill with tears as she explains. “One night when I told you I was going out to do some errands, what I was really doing was looking to score. It had been over a week since my last fix, and I was broke, going through withdrawals and completely desperate. I was too ashamed to tell you how pathetic I was. I didn’t know how to get help. I didn’t want to admit to anyone that I had a problem.”

  “You weren’t pathetic,” I intervene, placing my hand on hers. “You were in a bad way. We all do things we aren’t proud of at one time or another.”

  “Well what I’m about to tell you is probably the most shameful thing I ever did,” she says regretfully. “Not long after I left the hotel that night, I realized there was a man following me. I don’t think he knew I was onto him, but I played it cool. I would lose him for a little while, and I walked into the seediest parts I could find, trying to make a deal with somebody. I just needed a little fix, that’s what I kept telling myself. After five different dealers refused me, and one even threatened to hurt me if I didn’t leave, I got really desperate. I kept walking, and the man kept following me. I figured he was obviously a creep, but he was probably only interested in one thing.”

  Alanna pauses for a f
ew moments, shaking her head as she gathers the courage to continue. I squeeze her hand for reassurance as the tears really start flowing. “I tried to sell myself to him, Victoria. I was that fucking desperate. I offered him sex if he could give me some cash.”

  A weird noise escapes my throat and I realize I’m shaking my head. It’s probably coming across as judgment, but it isn’t. It’s pure heartbreak.

  “I’m so sorry, Alanna,” I say. “I had no idea you were that desperate. I should have seen it sooner.”

  “No,” she says firmly. “I wouldn’t let you see it. You had taken me away from my hell, and I wanted to be strong for you, make you proud. I didn’t want you to see it.”

  I nod, even though I really don’t understand it. She could have come to me. I try to ignore my nagging thoughts and ask her what happened next instead.

  “Well, the guy wasn’t interested in sex with me,” she says with red cheeks. “Which was actually a huge relief. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking when I said it.”

  “Anyway, I guess he could see how weak and desperate I was, and he seized the opportunity. He made up some bullshit story about being an undercover detective and he was working on some case. He said that me and my friend fit the profile of two women who had been kidnapped and sold into human trafficking. He told me he would give me some cash, and all I had to do was verify our names. I knew he was full of shit, but I went along with it. I tried to lie, to make up some fake names and stuff. But he knew I was lying. He shoved me up against a wall and threatened to choke me to death if I didn’t tell him your real name. I was scared, Victoria. I didn’t know what else to do, so I told him who you were.”

  Alanna pauses, gulping in air and wiping the tears from her face before continuing. “As soon as he was gone, I went back to the dealer and got what I could. I came straight to the hotel and told you that bullshit story about being recognized. It was surprisingly easy at first, lying to you. I was so used to lying to Mitchell to cover my tracks. But when I saw how concerned you were for me, and thought about everything that you had already done for me, the guilt set in. I had never felt more like a piece of shit in my life than I did in that moment.”

  “After we ran, I knew what I had to do. What I wanted to do. Not only had I tried to sell my body for drugs, I sold out the only person I actually had in my corner. I was lost and depressed, and I knew I had hit rock bottom. I didn’t think there was ever any getting out of it. So when you left to get groceries, I took every pill I had. I knew it wouldn’t be fair to you, to find me dead like that, but I figured it would be better than if I left and did it somewhere else. You wouldn’t stop looking for me if I did that, and I was hoping that by the time you got back to the hotel, I would be dead. You could just pack up and leave without me burdening you anymore.”

  It takes a moment for what Alanna just told me to sink in. She actually tried to kill herself. The thought is unbearable.

  “My God, Alanna, I had no idea. I thought it was an accident. I never once felt like you were a burden on me.” I take a moment to control my own shaky voice. “In fact, just the opposite. You were the only person in the world I had to rely on. I… I don’t know what I would have done if you had died. I would have been devastated.”

  Alanna shakes violently with sobs from my revelation, and I pull her into a hug. We stay like that for a long time before we both finally calm down.

  “I understand you never meant to hurt me Alanna, and I forgive you. You aren’t a bad person, you were just struggling with things beyond your control at that point. Please, let’s just forget all of this. I want things to go back to the way they were.”

  Alanna nods as I pull away slightly. “I do too,” she says. “I’ve been so worried about you. And Gabriel too. He loves you so much Victoria.”

  My heart swells as I glance back through the glass windows to meet his eyes across the room. Always watching over me.

  “I love him too.”

  Chapter Nine

  Victoria

  I spend the rest of the evening surrounded by Gabriel and my friends. As I watch him laughing and smiling along with everyone else, I can’t help but notice how different he is these days. He’s a far cry from the angry, brooding man I first met. When he looks at me, I can see the intensity of his love, along with his ever-lingering concern. I love this man. And now I’m free to be with him. But what does that mean for us?

  My wandering thoughts are interrupted when the last of our guests stand to leave. I hug Angelina and agree to have lunch with her the next day before sending her down in the elevator. Abel and Trevor both left earlier, and now Alanna is the only one that remains. She looks at Gabriel nervously as the three of us stand at his front door.

  “What’s the matter?” I ask her.

  She opens her mouth to speak, but Gabriel interjects. “Victoria,” he says softly. “Alanna was attacked in your apartment when Allan came for her. After she got out of the hospital, she couldn’t handle being there anymore.”

  I give her a sympathetic glance, wondering where exactly they’re going with this.

  “I’m sorry, Toto.” She nods. “But it’s true, it was too hard to stay there, so I had to move out.”

  “Okay…” I nod. “But where are you living?”

  “I moved in with Nathan,” she says. “He asked me to.”

  “And we moved your stuff here,” Gabriel says. “I want you to stay with me.”

  “Oh.” I take a quick glance around the apartment, feeling a little weird about the whole situation. “I don’t want to stay here because you feel obligated, Gabriel. I can find somewhere else.”

  He furrows his brow and clutches my hand in his. “I don’t feel obligated. I love you, Victoria. I never want to let you go.”

  Alanna grins stupidly at his sentiment, and I can’t help my own goofy smile. “We’ll figure this out later,” I say.

  Alanna hugs me before making a quick exit, leaving me alone with Gabriel.

  “Finally,” I murmur. “I have you all to myself.”

  He smiles softly, but there is an unfamiliar emotion in his eyes. He doesn’t look happy, in fact, I would venture to guess that he looks a little sad. “I’m sorry baby,” he says. “I have to catch up on some work.”

  “Oh.” I frown. “Okay.”

  “It’s been a long day,” he says. “Why don’t you let me run you a bath and you can catch up on some sleep.”

  “I’m not tired,” I protest. “All I did while I was away was sleep. I can wait up for you.”

  Gabriel runs a weary hand through his hair and looks as though he’s in physical pain, but I can’t understand why. “I’m sorry Victoria, but I’m afraid I have a lot to do. I’ll be up very late. I’m meeting with some investors tomorrow for the new business, so I have to get this done.”

  “Okay.” I smile, trying to hide my disappointment as I kiss him softly on the lips. “I guess I’ll see you in the morning.”

  After my bath, I turn into bed and am surprised by how tired I actually am. Even though Gabriel is just down the hall, I feel an aching loneliness inside of me. He’s acting strange. I can’t remember him ever denying me before and find it especially odd considering how long we’ve been apart. As I consider all the possibilities, I drift off into a fitful sleep.

  When I wake in the morning, I roll over to find the space beside me empty. Gabriel is either up early or never came to bed at all last night. There’s a gnawing feeling inside my stomach as I walk to the bathroom and wash up.

  When I walk into the kitchen, I find him at the breakfast bar reading the newspaper, already dressed for work. “Good morning,” he says.

  “Good morning,” I mumble. “I was wondering where you were.”

  He looks away as he takes a sip from the orange juice in front of him. “I have to go in early today, you know to get all of this taken care of.” He waves his hand around at the imaginary burdens in the air around him.

  “Okay, well what time will you be back t
onight?” I try to contain the emotion in my voice. I’ve missed him, and I have no idea why it feels like there’s an ocean between us.

  “I’m not sure,” he says, rising to his feet. “I’ll let you know, baby. I’ve got to go.” And with a quick peck on the cheek, he’s out the door.

  The morning seems to drag on. I find that Gabriel has already put all of my clothes into one side of his walk-in closet, and the rest of my stuff is packed neatly in boxes. I sort through the boxes, pulling out my makeup and other necessities before I shower.

  After I’m dressed and ready for the day, I call Marvin at the courier office, only to be informed that I no longer have a job there. He had to hire two other couriers while I was gone, but at least had the decency to sound apologetic. I suspect that it has more to do with my stint in the slammer than anything else, but thank him politely anyway.

  I grab my camera and head into the city to take some photos. But after an hour, I’ve already given up. My heart just isn’t in it today, so I hop on the subway and make my way to Café Dolce to meet Angelina for lunch.

  It’s just past noon when I walk into the small Italian themed café to find Angelina waiting patiently for me. She jumps from her seat and pulls me into a warm hug. “Hey, dollface!”

  Her enthusiasm to see me feels nice, and I grin back at her. “Hey Angelina, thanks for meeting me.”

  “No problem,” she says, taking a seat across from me.

  The waiter appears and I order an iced tea while I look over the menu. Angelina watches me closely, and then laughs when I give her a strange glance.

  “You look like you might blow away over there.” She smiles. “I’m under Gabriel’s strict instructions to make sure you eat, so you better not even think about ordering a salad.”

  I laugh and roll my eyes. “He would say that.” But even as I say it, I feel a little pang of sadness. He didn’t seem so concerned about me this morning when he was rushing out the door.

  “What’s the matter?” Angelina asks, noticing my sudden shift in mood.